Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Really annoyed at DH! (Sorry - Bit of a rant)

16 replies

jollyjester · 06/03/2011 17:45

I'm 16 weeks with DC1 and DH has seemed happy enough so far but not too excited at all. At dating scan he barely said a word or smiled or anything.

Just found out his brothers wife is 12 weeks and DH has done nothing but gush about how great it is and coo over their scan photo. (We didn't get a photo as printer wasn't working that day )

Im really annoyed at the way he is reacting, Im really pleased for my BIL & SIL but DH has really upset me by not having any interest in whats going on with my pregnancy but wants to know every detail of theirs. BIL & SIL have gone private (which we can't afford) and DH is going on about all SIL appointments and everything but never asks me when mine are. Doesn't help that his parents are acting the same by showing no interest in our pregancy but loads in SIL.

Its really upsetting me but I'll be the most horrible person ever if I say anything I just want a tiny bit of interest and not too feel so alone.

OP posts:

greenzebra · 06/03/2011 17:54

ahh poor you, it is tough. But maybe he is just really scared and uncertain about what hes going to be like as a father. And seeing his brother in the same boat he can project his feelings in that direction. Its a happy family event but one he doesnt really have to be involed in.
Dont beat yourself up about being upset you are intitled to and you will feel more because you are pregnant.

Im pregnant in my 29week. Im excited but also a bit scared, my DH is over the moon. I found out a few weeks ago that my brothers wife is pregnant and to be honest I was more excited than I was about my own pregnancy, though that was then. I feel alittle different, Im excited for us as both and cant wait for our kids to grow up together.

Im sure he wil get more excited as he sees your belly grow and feels the kicks.

Scouseem · 06/03/2011 17:55

No advice sorry just wanted to give you a hug. My inlaws are the same and show no interest in our baby but are all over there daughters so dont know if thats somthing normal and they feel closer to there own daughter but its not nice :(

Hope your DH starts to show you a bit of support soon.

Congratulations by the way :)

flamegirl77 · 06/03/2011 17:56

I'm not surprised you're upset. If I were you I would say something now, otherwise it might get worse and worse and you might have an explosion further down the line!

It's hard to talk about things like this but perhaps you could take a deep breath, keep calm and say 'I've noticed you seem very excited about our nephew/niece to be, and I feel that you aren't showing as much excitement about our own bump. Is there anything on your mind that you want to talk about?' This might get him talking about how he feels and might help to get to the root of why he is reacting like this.

You can't do anything about the way your in laws are reacting, so I would suggest not wasting your energy on them. BUT you are entitled to support from your husband so don't let him off the hook!

Many congratulations, and hope you're keeping well.

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 06/03/2011 18:12

DO say something to him - he may be holding back until the 20-week anomoly scan, or he may be terrified about becoming a dad, or he may not realise that he's being quiet about your pregnancy vs. gushing about your relatives' pregnancy. You won't be horrible to mention it (as long as you do it nicely!)

Congrats by the way :)

SuperheroYuki · 06/03/2011 18:38

Totally sympathise - my partners awesome, but my parents are a nightmare and its causing problems with me and DH. We're not married and my mother refers to our baby only as 'the bastard'!!! ouch!

KatieWatie · 06/03/2011 21:22

I would tackle your hubby as described by flamegirl, and try to feel grateful that your in-laws are pestering your SIL rather than you. I bet it's getting right on her nerves!! Not trying to be flippant, just trying to be glass half-full :)

My niece is almost exactly as pg as me, but announced it immediately whereas I'm waiting a bit. I couldn't be more grateful to her - it's really taken the heat off me...

FluffyDonkey · 07/03/2011 09:12

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe as other posters have said it's because he's not letting himself get excited by your pregnancy in case it does go wrong?

DH is annoying me atm by calling our baby the "maybe baby". I get his point, I'm only 10 weeks so it could all come to nothing but still, it's very irritating when I say in x months baby will be here/baby's first christmas etc. etc. only for him to say "yeah, maybe".

To be fair on DH though, as time goes by he is getting much better. He refuses to tell anyone except his mum until the 12 week scan so I'm hoping after that it'll be better.

sloathy · 07/03/2011 09:17

OMG Superhero! That's awful. How upsetting for you.

Bogeyface · 07/03/2011 09:20

Superhero, if she says it again say "Better a bastard than a bitch!" with a knowing look! How horrible of her!

SerenaJoy · 07/03/2011 09:52

I think you need to tell your DH you need a bit more support - he might not even realise he's doing this, or it might be as previous posters have said and he's just overwhelmed and not handling it very well. Either way getting it out in the open will help you both to feel better about things. Good luck and congratulations!

My DH kept saying 'I'll be more excited after the scan/when you get a bump/when I feel the baby kick', but now that we've had all those things and I'm 25 weeks, he seems to have bypassed 'excited' and gone straight for 'terrified'.

Superhero, that is terrible

ToriaPumpkinHead · 07/03/2011 11:02

OP, I can vouch for not wanting to be the one they're focusing on. BIL is marrying a woman with three children from previous relationships. MIL loves these kids but now we're having a baby I'm flavour of the week. Most frustrating when all I want to do is sleep and drink Gaviscon. Agree that your OH needs talking to though, think Flamegirl's suggestion is a good one.

FluffyDonkey My OH keeps saying things like that, I pointed out I'll need a new dress for his brother's wedding in July as I'll be over six months by then and all he could say was "Well, maybe." I get it, I'm "only" seven weeks, but come on, a little optimism?

SuperheroYuki · 07/03/2011 11:24

Thank you bogey and serena she had lots of miscarriages and one full term still birth before having me and she's managed to say some really hurtful things. Prime example when she told me
don't look at the ultrasound at all because if you do you might get attached to it then you'll miscarry :(

Almost none of our friends with children are married, and my partners best friends just had a baby ten weeks early - it's ok but in intensive care, weighing a tiny 31b 5oz, was telling my mum about them and mentioned they weren't married..'so another little bastard then' was her comment.

OK rant over..sure it's suposed to MIL you rant about not mothers!!! But really..what do i do????

Jollyjester swap mothers for partners see if we can iron out the problems then send 'em back?

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 07/03/2011 11:29

That's AWFUL superhero!

OP have you tried to bring this all up with your DH yet?

Original poster

jollyjester · 07/03/2011 14:02

Thanks everyone for your replies, its reassuring everyone has similar situations!

Brought it up with DH last night and to him he says because I don't have a bump yet it doesn't really seem real and because we don't have photos whereas BIL & SIL have had 2 scans so have a few already.

SIL is also 11 years older than me so that coupled with the going private thing she gets way more attention so has more to report whereas I don't.

Hopefully at 20 week scan something will tug at him and he'll feel better about it!

OP posts:

speffles · 07/03/2011 14:13

It could well be that your DH is worried about the pregnancy. I am just the same. My previous (first) pregnancy miscarried and I've found it very difficult to really let my fears go over this pregnancy. Even though I'm 19 weeks now. My DH finds it so frustrating as he is a natural optimist and he can't understand why I hold back and cross my fingers when I talk about the future.

I am slowly getting more confident though. Maybe a good 20 week scan will bring your fella round.

juneau · 07/03/2011 14:49

My husband found it hard to get enthusiastic about either of our pregnancies. He comes to the scans and goes through the motions, but for him the birth and holding his child is the proper beginning.

When I was pregnant with our son I was quite upset about it - but this time I've just accepted that this cautious approach is his way of dealing with a huge change in our lives. He's a great dad to our son - so I know he just finds it hard to 'imagine' and there are so many terrible things that can go wrong (we had a MMC last May, so we have a bit of experience of that), that I kind of understand where he's coming from. Give him time. Once the 20-week scan is out of the way you'll a) be getting a bump, b) have got all the diagnostic tests out of the way and c) need to start buying bits for the baby and maybe that will make it all a bit more real and exciting for him. I certainly found that.

Flip