house guests - how long after birth

[Ilovekittyelise]

HI

Warning; I am going to sound like a cow. I know it. Ok, so my husband is from Canada. His parents have never been to visit. They are terrified to fly, very overweight and not mobile, and MIL is also an appalling cook, and I struggle to eat anything she has prepared even out of politeness so wouldn't dream of allowing her to prepare tasteless overcooked vitamin deficient food in my home. (just setting the scene.

We currently live in a 2 bedroomed flat, up some stairs, and dont plan on moving until next year. We have very little space.

Our baby is most likely going to be induced late August and MIL is already talking about coming to stay in september. i love her to bits but first off I want some time to get used to being a family (i'm thinking 2 months) and secondly she is going to get on my nerves (im not talking minor irritation im talking totally lives in a different way). She will want to help but can't cook (we like to eat lots of fresh steamed veggies, salad, fish etc etc, they eat overcooked pork with no herbs or spices and canned vegetables supplemented by donuts and garbage), doesnt iron anything, shares bath water with her husband, thinks its normal for family members to share bathtowels and will just pick up ours and use them (YUCH) and will be unable to manage the stairs up to our flat (one flight) and within our flat (another flight) and will just generally get in my hair and piss me off.

Any suggestions?

PS yes i probably am a bit of a cow.

My suggestion is to save up some money to put her up somewhere else, tbh, on the ground floor or with a lift. Say it's for her own comfort and space.

And leave the telling of it to him.

We live abroad so I have the problem with my own mother rather than in-laws - to be honest my in-laws are more active and more helpful in practical ways than my own parents anyway. I had my own mother staying here after the birth of my 2nd (let my dad talk me into it as she "desperately wanted to help" apparently) - she did not help at all, didn't so much as put her own plate in the dishwasher after eating meals (all of which I cooked). She wouldn't drive over here and doesn't speak the language, so no help with shopping, she is not over weight but believes herself not to be very strong so no help with the lifting I should not have been doing, she gave me her underwear to wash ("You might as well put it in, you'll be doing a load anyway won't you?") moaned about all kinds of small things (like the water pressure in our shower or my plans or lack of for the days, and my refusal to have evening meals out in restaurants with a 2 year old and a new born and a fresh c-section scar, even though she had offered to pay), criticised my house work (wasn't I going to get on and wash the floors soon?) and just wanted to sit on her bum and cuddle the new baby "so you can get on with things" - I had had a c-section, was using a sling and 100% breast feeding - the last thing I needed was her to take the baby all day every day leaving me "free" to look after my 2 year old, do housework and plan outings and meals out for her!

We have a reasonably sized house so have theoretically got space - but never again! I have told my mum that DH is taking a month off so I won't need any help thank you, and she can come over to meet the baby in June (c-section date is end of April), and have expressed a wish for my dad to come too as he likes to stay in a guest house where he gets an en-suite bathroom rather than slum it as a house guest sharing one family bathroom on a different floor from the 3rd floor attic/study/ spare room where we put guests .

My advice is don't let them stay with you, given all your reservations, stand firm on it or you will regret it - I had a show down with my mum after she'd been staying a week, and she responded by crying - I thought I was meant to be the hormonal one so soon after giving birth, and I was certainly the sleep deprived one dealing solo with night feeds (due to BF) but also with a toddler who got up at 5.30am every day - my mother got up at 8am every day and complained DH (who leaves for work very early) and I went to bed too early in the evening, leaving her "alone". Do let them visit but try to push the date back, and try to find a diplomatic way to insist they stay elsewhere, or you will all fall out and nothing will have been gained by letting them spoil your first weeks with baby!

Good luck!

Travelodge

You don't sound like a cow, but perfectly sane. Ever since I had DD no.1, my in-laws have assumed, ever more so with each child I have had, that they will be staying with us after the birth - ahem, no.
I couldn't think of anything worse than having my MIL staying when I am getting to grips with breast feeding, still bleeding, and coping with the baby blues. I feel so strongly about this, it blighted the first few days after the birth of my second DD. This time, they have no choice as we are in rented accomodation and there is no room. As jenga says, the local travel lodge / Hotel Ibis will be perfectly adequate!

You are not a cow.
Believe me, I've been through this and am now facing the issue now: we're expecting our 4th any day now, are in a 3 bed home with no storage space and space is at a premium, and we have one toilet.

And after years of having parents and inlaws staying I have now made it clear that it's now not feasible - and they DO understand. They are all 150 miles away so not easy to pop over the day/few hours but thankfully they're both sufficiently well off to stay at a local travel inn.

Frankly, my sanity would be in serious jeopardy if they came to stay when this baby is born or afterwards. You HAVE to be strong - and if they have any ounce of understanding they will accept it. Can they afford to stay in a B&B or somewhere nearby? If not, it's a difficult one - any family members who might poss have more space /less pressure than you to help out?

I totally agree with your approach. There's a difference between visitors who will be useful and supportive and those who will be hard work.

Could you (or ideally your husband) suggest that they hang off from booking flights until after the birth in a "let's see how it goes" way, i.e you'll let them know once you're ready for houseguests? I think that's entirely reasonable. Otherwise try to persuade them that they'd be more comfortable staying elsewhere and you can suggest some B&B accomodation nearby. Depending how sensitive they are you could frame this as easier for their mobility issues or easier so they get a decent sleep or whatever. They may have overestimated how much room you have at home, no offence but if they've not visited here before their Canadian standards of house / apartment size may not match the UK reality

I made the mistake of letting the in-laws arrive soon after the birth of DS. DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!

get your DH to tell them to stay in a hotel/b&B. by the sounds of it they won't have much of a good time with the stairs etc so could he use that as the excuse?