What would you do if you wanted your mum or best friend at the birth but your DP didn't?

[nappyaddict]

Would you back down or not?

I think it all depends on the context. Why do you want them there? Will you expect mum or friend to stay throughout? Who would go with you if you had to have a cesarean?

My DP works about an hour away so I've asked my best friend to be my 'emergency' birth partner in case I go into labour while he's at work. She'll stay with me until he arrives and then quietly sneak off. If I'm in labour for hours I expect I'll ask her or mum to come back so that DP can have some support too!

If there were any big decisions to be made about me or the baby it would definitely be over to DP though and he's the one who will hold the baby first.

In an ideal world, I would not get pregnant by someone who wouldn't be my top choice to have in the room with me when I gave birth.

In a non-ideal world it all depends on why you want your mum there and why he doesn't.

I can't imagine why anyone would not give a birthing mother the comfort that she wants.

My DP just put me first for the birth. I would do exactly the same for him if he was in excruciating pain. Anything otherwise is totally selfish in my view.

upahill I don't see how it is any different than hiring a doula. Having 2 birthing partners means you can give the other one a break every so often, one can go and get drinks and food, phone anxious relatives etc without having to leave the mother on her own.

Trillian But if you can have 2 people there then you are not saying DP isn't first choice. He would obviously be first choice and the mum or friend 2nd choice.

Do you really think you'll need someone with you for every second during labour? I have managed all four of my labours with just one birth partner. In fact, I managed most of the second one with no birth partner. My only concern at doing a whole labour with no birth partner would be boredom, tbh!

I'd never heard of a doula until I came on mumsnet! Trn years too late for me. Anyway dh and docs and other staff was more than enough for me!

I would tell him to grow up and stop being a knob

YOU are the one who needs support during the birth, you are the one who will be coping with the pain and doing the hard work

Maybe he doesn't realize the benefits, especially if you have a long labour. I always thought I would just want DH, but my mum came to give moral support while I was on antenatal ward. The plan was for her to go when we were ready to push.

As it was, we were all there for 3 days. DH wouldn't have survived if my mum hadn't been there to hold the fort when he needed to go get a drink or fresh air. By the time DS was finally ready to come (after augmentation), it seemed right that mum stayed after we had all been through the ordeal. It was a fab bonding experience for us, and Mum has a really special bond with DS which I think is in part due to seeing him arrive. It also meant I had someone to support me during the, erm, repairs (forceps birth) while DH looked after DS.

So for me it was really positive. Maybe you can talk to him about how it might help both of you?

Flutey Do you think it helped your DH and mum bond as well?

My DP doesn't really like my mum which is why I think he wouldn't want her there. He would probably give in if it was what I really wanted but I would worry it might make the atmosphere a bit tense which isn't what you need.

I also think it depends on the mum as well.
Whe I first brought the subject up about mum DH was not impressed but didn't say much but did think she may try to take over. She is I have to say a bit opininated!

In hindsight I believe he was right. I think I had an idealized vision. Knowing my mum she would have been tutting and commenting!!!

She was best kept at home tbh!!

upahill does make a good point I knew my mum would be happy to be backround support and let DP be the main support and not take over, I also knew she would do what I wanted.

upahill She sounds like my mum! My friend or godmother would be happy to be background support though.

I have a 'strained' relationship with my mom and wouldnt want her at my birth. I only want hubby there so I can abuse him through the pain and he knows that his function will be to keep me happy and, after his sister in law nearly bit his brother in labour when they suggested she should bite down on something, to keep his hands away from me.

Not read all the posts but your DP should come first. There's no way my DH would want anyone else at the birth - after all it's our child and ONLY our child. His wishes should take priority I'm afraid - but that's how I feel!

Your DP's wishes should take priority over your own even though you are the one giving birth?

Why would you put someone else's wishes ahead of yours when YOU are going to be the one in labour?

And how on Earth could you love someone who expected you to?

Yes, I think it did help mum and DH bond, but they always got on well. I do think it might depend on what you think your mum would be like as well though. Mine is generally quite opinionated, but is sensitive enough to know when to hover quietly. The last thing you would want to be worrying about is how everyone else is getting on, so you would need to judge beforehand whether it would work if they were both there, for your own sake.

What blinder said. I agree 100%.

And yes, some people want and need someone with them for all of the labour.

I think there is no real answer to this because it completely depends on the personalities and relationships of those involved.

Good luck in whatever you decide, NappyAddict! :)

PS. Perhaps his ego is being damaged by it, and thinks that you're suggesting he isn't going to be helpful in labour and/or that your Mum will somehow be 'better at it' than he will be.

So perhaps you could reassure him that OF COURSE he is going to be helpful, you really need him, couldn't do it without him etc etc. But explain that your Mum is also important to you because she's been through it before/is a calming influence/makes you feel safe (or whatever the reason is).

While I tend to think "your fanjo, your choice" I can understand why a man might get a bit confused or about your reasoning if it hasn't been clearly, calmly explained.

Anyway, GOOD LUCK :)

*nappyaddict" - not necessarily, although i guess that's what I inferred! If you desperately want your mum there then unless your DP has huge, justified objections, then I guess you should have her there!

It's just that in my case, there's no way I would anyone there except my DH! Every one's relationships are different and that should of course be the deciding factor. Good luck!!!!