When would you tell older children...?

[knittymum]

I'm nearly 7 weeks pregnant with DC3, and DH and I are trying to decide when to tell our older children. They're 10 and 7 next month (both April babies) so I suppose a bit bigger than the average age gap. I remember when I was expecting DS2 we didn't tell DS1 until well after the first scan, but then he was only 2 at the time! Does anyone else have experience of telling older children like mine? When did you do it? I'm a bit hesitant about saying anything to them until at least after the scan, but DH is insistent that we tell them before we tell his mother, so now I'm not sure. Help!

I have no idea onl;y got a 4yo ds and im trying to work out wen to tell him

I didnt tell my DCs (10 and 8) until after the 12 weeks scan, just in case of miscarriage. we told them just before we announced it more generally. I had told my mum by then but just told her not to mention it to them.

why does your DH wants to tell them before his mum?

congratulations by the way, my two older DCs dote on their new baby sister.

Thanks, pinkelephant, I think that my boys would probably like a sister as well. DH says that because it affects their lives more than anybody's, they have the right to know first. Now, I can see his point of view, but as you did, I'd rather wait until after the scan, just in case. So it looks like we won't be telling his family until then either. Although I'm fairly certain that his sister has already guessed and told his mother. She's expecting in August, and so I suppose she's tuned in to any suspicious symptoms!

drivencrazy I think it's probably easier when their younger to wait longer before telling them. A couple of weeks seems a long time at that age, so telling them about a baby coming in 6 months must seem like a lifetime away! Mine are old enough to notice things now, and pick up on when I'm feeling a bit rough every day. I definitely hid it better last time!

Hes quite switched on for his age has asked for a baby for his birthday and im due a few weeks before his birthday. Hes seen im not feeling to great at times and has told me ive got a baby in my tummy so makes it a bit moe difficult not to tell him lol.

I waited until after the 12 weeks scan before telling my two. It was hard though as I was showing and people would comment in front of the children so I had to keep telling people to keep quiet! I would have waited longer if I could have. Six months is a long time for little ones to wait!

GreenCar that's another reason I'd like to hang on. Having shown early on the last one though, I'm assuming that in 5 weeks I'll really have to breathe in if I want to keep it a secret! I'm hoping for an early scan date now, I really hope I don't have to wait until I'm nearly 13 weeks! How old were your two when you told them?

knittymum I'm kind of with your husband - I told my kids before anybody else (except DH) and would not have wanted anyone else to know before them - mine are only 5 and 3 though.

My 5 year old has always been obsessed with babies / mummies having babies though and the subject has never been far from her mind, ever since her first little brother was born when she was 2, and she guessed before I had even done a test (she was not quite 5 actually at the time). I wouldn't lie to her - I told her maybe one of the eggs in my tummy was going to turn into a baby but we would have to wait and see, and couldn't be sure til the doctor had "looked in my tummy". She really did seem to understand quite well and agreed we wouldn't tell anyone outside our family til we knew if there was really going to be a baby, and after the scan I told the kids more "officially" and let them tell the grandparents and then let the news slip out to many people via the kids, which was a nice way for me rather than making big announcements.

I think it depends a lot on your kids but I could not imagine telling other people before the baby's older brother/s and/ or sister/s!

2and1ontheway I can definitely see your point. Although having two Ben10/Doctor Who/Star Wars (etc etc) obsessed boys, I don't think the thought would occur to them that I'm pregnant, especially as we've always said that we'd need a lottery win before we had any more kids! I'm wondering now whether it was all a ploy on DH's part as he knew that I'd want to wait to tell the kids after the scan.

I'll know on Tuesday when my scan will be - perhaps that'll make my mind up one way or the other!

We waited until about 15 weeks to tell our 2 and then it was only because we couldn't hide it anymore . I'd had a miscarriage previously at 10weeks and couldn't bear the thought of having to explain it them if it happened again. No-one else knew (except a friend who had been through a very difficult time with trying to conceive) and once we had told the children they phoned up our parents and told them for us! It was also the way it made it around the school playground, so much easier then an announcement!

With that age I think 12 weeks is fine, I have a 5yo ds who attacks me regurlarly about when I will have another baby, and a 18 month old I will be waiting as long as possible and keeping quiet to family to because I told DS last time at 12 weeks and it was a long time for him to wait.

hi, im 9wks pg and my DP has 2 DD's from a previous relationship, they are 6 and 8. we are telling them at 12wks before we tell friends, as their mums friends are the same friends as mine and my DPs and we dont want to risk someone telling her then her telling the girls. shes a witch like that and would love to burst our bubble by telling them herself. if, however, the girls were ours at the age they are we would of wanted to wait til i was about 4mths, just because we know how excited they'd be and we feel it would be cruel to tell them so early on- 9mths are long for a child!!

I want to keep mine secret for as long as poss but have similar circumstances to no1chikdminder. 20wks if we can keep it quiet- but prob more like 12 wks if I carry on feeling rough!

I told my two very early on. They are 7 and 3. Someone on my antenatal thread told their DC early, but told them they were carrying a seed that would maybe become a baby. That way if anything sad happened, she could explain the seed hadn't developed. I thought that was quite clever.

we waited until after the first scan to tell anyone, the older children were the first to know. I felt very strongly that they should be the first, and knew how upset they would be if they had found out from someone else, it wouldn't have been fair on them. Of course then I didn't have to tell anyone as they did it all for me!

Dh told our four who were 16,14,10 and 8 when I was 26 weeks with our little surprise They hadn't noticed but I was worried someone would and ask them. As it was I was first asked if I might be pregnant a day after my due date so I needn't have worried I had more people questioning whose baby I had when I appeared with a newborn out of the blue.

When I fell pregnant with DS2 in 2009, DD and DS1 were 14 and 11 respectively. I told them the very minute I found out! Partly because they knew we were trying to get pregnant, partly becuase I knew that even if it didn't work out I wouldn't be able to hide that from them and think at their age why should I? There are valuable life lessons in things not turning out the way we imagine as much as it may be painful. I did talk immediately to them both about the fact it might not stick (obviously it was ok though) and we've always been like that - open and discuss things. It comes down to what you think/know your children can deal with (both good and bad).

Oh and the othe slight factor in me immediately sharing with them was that they were home with me and I was bursting to tell someone them!

I've also told them the day I found out this time too... DS2 is still not quite a year so no bridge to cross there yet - more of a a baby will suddenly just appear, for him!

On the subject of it small children not understanding the wait - it really hasn't been an issue for my 5 and 3 year old - we told them the baby would arrive after the Easter Bunny had been :) Handy date as I am due at the end of the Easter holidays! I also knew from the outset I would be having a planned section (due to previous sections) so this means there is not the worry of going 2 weeks over due after Easter and having the impatience then! They have to wait for birthdays, Easter, Christmas, this was just like that I think and neither have seemed impatient about it at all.

They both like to know how big the baby is currently and how big it needs to be to be born safely, and we started off saying it is the size of a Playmobile person, now we are up to comparing it to different sizes of baby doll my daughter has, with the final aim being the size of her big "newborn" size doll. We have also looked at pics in a children's encyclopaedia and a pregnancy book of the developing baby, this seems to have helped them understand the progression towards a baby being born...

So I don't think telling children early on is necessarily a problem in terms of the birth being a long way off, although the risk of loss is another matter especially for anyone at higher risk - I would have thought more than twice about telling my 2 so early if I had a history of loss.