Newly pregnant - any advice on big age gaps?

[sanityawol]

Hi there - this is my first post, so be gentle with me!

Well... the shock is starting to wear off - discovered last week that I am pregnant (now 5 weeks) and got through the weekend without wine! It was planned, but given that I am 35 and have been on the pill for the last five years or so I assumed that falling pregnant might take a little more time and effort, and not happen in the first month. We are really happy, and definitely appreciate how lucky we are to have it happen this quickly. Fingers are now crossed that all goes well

However, I'm not looking forward to the pregnancy - having done this before (albeit 10 years ago), I got so fed up with being treated like an invalid... got to the point where I wanted to shout 'I'm just pregnant, not ill... please treat me as a normal person'! Perhaps I will have mellowed with age... Although I am convinced that I must be mad to have kids with a 10 year gap between them. Managed to miss out on morning sickness last time, but couldn't go anywhere without a large bottle of Gaviscon in my bag for four or five months. Hoping that I can skip both the throwing up and the heartburn this time! And of course, having assumed that she would be an only I have passed on all of my baby stuff to others so am starting from scratch with everything!

To some extent, it is my daughter that causes me the most anxiety... her dad has not been on the scene for some time, and she is incredibly close to my husband who has been in her life for more than her real dad. She is very bright and astute, and I determined that she will not feel pushed out by the new arrival... we haven't told her (or anyone else) about the pregnancy, and we're planning on involving her as much as possible. If anyone has any tips for doing this then they would be very much appreciated. The plan is simply to talk to her, but she's a big reader, so if anyone is aware of any books aimed at introducing older siblings to new babies then I'd be grateful to know about them.

Anyway - thanks for reading and apologies for the ramble... think that I just needed to share the news with someone!

hi sanityawol :)

I'm 8 wks and have a 12 year gap! Like you my daughter is very attatched to her step dad (real dad not very interested in his kids) and i have been worrying that she may feel sidelined a bit when baby comes.

I have no fabulous advice for you - only to say that the very fact that you're thinking hard about this and are sensitive to her feelings means that you'll do fine! You will find the right way to help her, share your joy with her...let her be involved in the chats with your OH about appointments and milestones ect. so that she feels it's a 'whole family' event. You know?

CONGRATULATIONS too! :)

Don't know of any books, but have done the same age gap. DD1 (first marriage) is now 17, her sisters are 7 and 3. Do make sure you try to make time for her - particularly when she turns 11 and is at secondary school. I tried v hard but was guilty of indulging DD2 a bit when she was cute and 1 or 2 years old. Looking back, i should have tried to make a bit more time for DD1 alone, perhaps taken her to the cinema or shopping without a baby in tow. She does love her sisters, although now DD2 is 7 and wanting to be grown up they bicker like mad!

I very much let her dictate how involved she wanted to be with cuddles etc - it did seem to work better to hold back rather than trying to force a relationship or thrusting the baby at her for a cuddle.

If you're anythign like me you'll have forgotten how tiring babies are - that's when it's easy to just flick the telly on and veg out in the evening if you've managed to have dinner and get baby to sleep, but that's the sort of time that your DD1 might need a bit of a chat/go through homework/whatever. Have a strong coffee and give her half an hour!

I have a DSS who will be 9.6 when my first arrives. He's with us part time so the baby will end up sharing his room when s/he is old enough. We've kept him as involved as possible - DH was asking him about names last weekend (not sure about his choice of Harry and Hermione though!). No idea how it will work out once the baby arrives, I guess we just have to hope for the best! I would keep your DD up to date with scans/mw appointments, show her how her little brother/sister is developing. But I realise that doesn't answer you, OP, as you asked about books! There is quite alot to read in a Bounty pack!

Thank you all... and congratulations to those of you that are expecting as well.

Glad to see that from your suggestions I am hopefully thinking along the right lines - I had obviously thought this through before coming off the pill, but the reality has happened a little sooner than I anticipated.

In some ways, I'm lucky as she is very much like me so I have a very good idea of how she thinks and the type of things that play on her mind. That said, give it four or five years and I'm sure that us being so alike will make for some very interesting 'discussions'!

It's just typical that she's only just read Jacqueline Wilson's "The Longest Whale Song" which is a cheery, uplifting story... where Ella's mum marries a man that Ella doesn't like or get on with, then mum ends up in a coma due to eclampsia leaving Ella to cope with a useless stepdad and a new baby brother when all she wants is her mum... I don't think that I could have timed things any worse! So I'm now reading it very quickly myself to try and make sure that dd doesn't worry unduly about things that happen in the book... although given Jacqueline Wilson's reputation for tackling difficult subjects I'm not too concerned.

The reason for asking about the book is that she does like to work things out for herself - all the books that I have seen seem to be aimed at very young children, and whilst I am going to get myself another book and will use that as a tool to show how baby is developing, etc it's obviously going to be too old for her. Will just take each day as it comes, but thought it would be asking whether anyone had any tips or pitfalls that I should know about.

I'd forgotten about Bounty packs... and it's obviously far too much to hope that the new one will be as easy as a baby as dd was - I'm expecting to not sleep for at least five years!

DD was 18 when ds arrived so i beat you for age gap but at least she was old enough to understand. Mind you she was still worried she wouldn't be as important to me anymore.
Involving her at every stage meant that by the time he arrived she was as excited as us.
I think as with most things in life talking and honesty are the best way forward
Best of luck

I am overdue with my fourth baby and have an 11 year age gap. My youngest was very honest and told me he wasn't sure how he felt about not being the youngest in the family anymore. He has become clingy and tearfull recently. I think the baby being late is just adding to his stress. I have told friends and relatives to remember my other children please, when they visit to see the baby. The baby doesn't care if someone buys them a cute outfit or a toy, but the older children would love a book voucher or some sweets etc. I think as long as you are aware of your childs feelings you should be fine. I will let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

Hi there. I did a piece of research which (in part) looked at women over the age of 35 who had a ten year plus gap between children. I have called them 'renewed mothers'. It is my theory that this phenomenon is increasing particularly with repartnering and social acceptability of 'older' mothering. Let me know if you are interested and I could send you some more stuff....x