I can't do this again :-(

[FailedAgain]

Sorry, this is going to be long, and I am not sure I have the right topic...

Neither of my first two were 'planned' pregnancies. Both much loved accidents, arising from contraceptive failures.

DC2 is only 10 months old, and still BF, not that I am relying on that, nor ever have. We had a condom incident about 3 weeks ago. Period only returned in January. I did my sums and reckoned my period was due within a few days so didn't take the MAP. Foolish, foolish woman, should have considered gradual return to fertility and cycle length not being normal. Tested postive yesterday, so about 4-5 weeks, going form date of conception.

DC1 was an extremely hard baby, and I ended up with PND. He is still a challenging little boy. We never intended to have any more, then along came DC2 who is the easiest baby in the world by contrast to DC1. I have just gone back to work in January, building up to full time by April, with a job I had only been in for a year when I gave birth to DC2.

I gave away all my newborn stuff, my pram and all my maternity clothes and have been clearing stuff out as we were adamant there weren't going to be anymore. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck!

I don't find pregnancy easy, had SPD last time, and could barely walk or sleep after about 5 months. I get painful Braxton Hicks from about 16 weeks, every few hours until I give birth.

I seriously don't think I can do this again. I am sure I would love it as much I do the first two, but I am not a natural mother and find it really hard to cope with 2 with nearly 5 years between them, let alone 3, with only an 18 month gap between the younger two.

Could we afford it? Possibly, but only by compromising what we are able to offer the two we already have.

DH is barely speaking to me, is equally as shocked. I have previously tried to persuade him to have a vasectomy but he won't do it. I think we are going to end up going down the termination route, and I don't expect any sympathy. I'm just scared and confused as although I am pro-choice, I never thought I would be considering this for myself, and have no one in RL to talk to, so needed to download somewhere

Hi I just thought I would say we were in the same boat a few weeks ago, except my DC2 is 18 months and also still bf. I did have a place at a university for September but I am going to do a open course instead and then DP will have a vasectomy. We were shocked at first but now we are happy and looking forward to our first scan. I know how hard things are for you and good luck whatever happens and whatever you decide.

Going for a third is always a big decision, we have 2 DD's 4.5 and 1.5, I'm now 37 weeks with DD3 and they were all planned, but that doesn't mean that it hasn't been really tough, I have horrible pregnancies and we have had to rearrange our lives and work in order to accommodate this third baby, I know our lives would be so much easier if we just left it at two, but I also know that we will love this baby as much as our first two and I'm also very excited about it.

Saying that, DH is definitely getting the snip after this and I may also use something just to be sure, this has to br our last, another baby after this would be devastating! I still don't think I could ever terminate but that's just my choice, but it would be awful and I can sympathise with you,

Sounds like a tough situation for you. I haven't got any advice, this is out of the realms of my experience.

Just a little and ((hugs))

Rest assured, that whatever you decide to do will be the best decision for you at this time.

I was in a similar situation a long time ago, it is easy to be against termination until you find yourself in a position that makes you look at the options, it is as you know a hard position to be in, I also had 2 children a husband who refused a vasectomy, I was unable to take the pill and our contraception failed, I had found it hard to be pregnant with 2 very much wanted children, suffered pnd and worried myself sick all the time they were growing up (still worry terribly even now)I chose termination for the sake of my mental health and for the welfare of my children, I would be lying if I said I never thought about about what I did, I often think about what it would have been like to have had the baby, only you can decide what is best for you and I know it won't be a decision taken lightly, take care, x

Thank you. I am lying here BF my lovely baby, sobbing my heart out. I didn't want an only child, so was thrilled with that accident! This one is just breaking my heart. I only did the test hoping to put my mind at rest, and am terrified.
I feel like I'm in a lose-lose position. I wouldn't manage 3. I look at my friends with 3, and their lives are so chaotic and financially hard or they can afford to get help. But, what about the emotional impact of termination? Can I live with that guilt, either?
The jump to 3 seems so much bigger than 1 to 2 and as if it should be something I wanted, not something to stumble into. Not sure I'm making much sense.

failedagain so sorry you feel like that, the shock must be horrid. I had gone back to work when my youngest of 2 girls started school and found out i was pregnant with my 3rd (I'm now 37 wks with 4th - and DEF last!).

The shock will pass - but try to look at it positively, not a lose-lose situation. I've never come across anyone who, whatever that initial shock and horror and terror, didn't go onto have that baby and have not regretted it. You will adjust - and thankfully pregnancy gives you that time to adjust. Don't look to your friends and how they cope. You are you, and your children are individuals. You WILL manage in your way.

The jump to 3 isn't so bad. You've 'been there done that', you will find you are more relaxed because you've done it before (twice?!) and the baby will be more relaxed because YOU are.

Termination? The guilt is something I know i could never have lived with. But a new bundle of joy - a precious gift you didn't ask for - now that is something else. Just trying to be positive for you?!

Hope it helps! x

Maybe if the gap was going to be bigger, I'd feel I could cope, but I genuinely don't think I can. The timing is just wrong in so many ways. The equivalent of my salary would be eaten by childcare for 2 little ones so it would be fairly pointless working, and I am hopeless at full time motherhood. I know a lot of people don't get this, but I am rubbish with very young children however much I adore them, and actually have a career which I love.

I grew up in a family of 3, and did not enjoy it. (i have 'issues' surrounding my upbringing, another story). I have loved every minute of having 2, whereas I hated the first 2 years of only 1. My family feels complete now.

I'm sure I should be thankful for my easy fertility but I'm nearly 40 now, so even if we go ahead, it will be high risk.

Rambling now.

I would go and see your GP, and that will hopefully help, he/she could refer you to the termination clinic where they will (should) have a counseller. This person would be good for you to talk to as they are unbiased, and can let you air your feelings.

Good Luck with everything.

Why should you not get sympathy? You were using contraception and it went wrong - you did consider whether you needed the MAP and, based on the information you had, thought the risk was so low you didn't need it.

What worries me is your DH. When's he going to start talking to you? He can't hide from the fact that this has happened and leave you to pick up the pieces. You can't wave a magic wand and make it all alright - the world's changed, whatever you decide.

I think talking to your GP is probably the best starting point to try and find someone with whom to talk through the options.

Try and be gentle on yourself. You've got a little time to make sure you make the decision that will be best for your family.

We have talked now, on and off during the day, not helped by the presence of the bat-eared boy child who picks up on everything we say, and can work out various euphemisms as well! And the baby has D&V so is clingy as anything, and I think my milk is reducing already :-(
This does mean I won't be able to work tomorrow, giving me more thinking space.

DH is stuck in the same loop as me, really doesn't want a third at all, but knows how I have always felt about termination (pro-choice, but always thought I could never do it myself) so he is scared about my long term mental health if we choose that route. Because of my issues with my parents (which compounded my PND), he thinks I am emotionally fragile.

I will be phoning my GP first thing in the morning. Thank you all for listening.

Just wanted to add my support. Every situation is different and if you and DP feel you can't handle it then you must make the best decision for your family as it stands now. I have a dear friend who was in the same situation as you who went for a termination, and although she still feels sad about it now, she is utterly convinced it was absolutely the right thing to for her family. She just knew she couldn't handle another DC - financially, emotionally, physically, space-wise etc. etc.

I will say, however, if you have any doubts about termination at all, give yourself and DP a little more time to think about it.

Good Luck at the GP and Hugs

Failed - your GP is definitely the right place to start. They should be able to refer you for some counselling with Marie Stopes or similar to help you get your head round how you feel.

Surely your DH will have a vasectomy now, especially if he is worried about your mental health?

A termination is not the worst thing in the world, and not an option you should feel bad about. Hoever I know that when you HAVE kids, the decision seems harder/more real. You have time. See your GP, live with it for a week or so and let thoughts settle. Then make a decison.

I was in a similar situation to yours and had a medical termination at 6 weeks. I was afraid I would feel guilty, but I didn't. Procedure itself was fine, not painful at all, but obv. that can vary.

I had a thread somewhere on the antenatal choices- think it was in April last year. Have a look, plenty of lovely people came to give their advice-maybe it can help.

winnybella thank you so much. I have just been and looked for your thread. Your situation does sound very similar and has really helped clarify my feelings, especially the Caitlin Moran article someone linked to.

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that even if we wanted another, now is not the time. DS1 has been pushed aside enough losing his only child status, and I don't want to make it worse for him. And DS2 is still so young. I want to be able to enjoy this time.,

I have already had a consultation at local BPAS as it was either this morning or wait 10 days, and have appointments for Wednesday and Thursday for medical management. I am only just 5 weeks, and concluded I want it done before nausea kicks in.

The staff were lovely, and the doctor made the point that the MAP might well not have worked esp with it being a rebound post-pregnancy high fertility thing. I don't know how true this is, but I'd like to think she wouldn't have lied.

I know this probably sounds hasty, but I think that will be better for me than having things in limbo. Now to work out the mundane issue of how to tell my boss I'm not going to be in this week, and not be on the business trip I'm meant to be takingng with him on Thursday. I know how callous I sound, but I have to stay practical or I'll fall apart again.

Oh, and yes Alibaba, DH has decided that he thinks vasectomy might not be such a bad idea after all!

I will be getting a mirena coil ASAP, to give us both some breathing space after this mess.

Failed I'm so pleased that you've been able to see someone about all this so quickly.
I don't think you're being hasty - you know whether you want to continue with the pregnancy or not, and no amount of pondering helps if you know deep down that you've made up your mind.
I was in your shoes once a long time ago, and I've never regretted the decision I made to terminate.

Good luck for this week, and I'm glad your DH is reconsidering his position re. vasectomy.

Oh, good, I'm glad it helped.
Feel free to PM me if you need any info re: procedure or anything else.

As long as you make your choice and you're sure it's a right thing for you and your family, you'll be ok

I'm feeling very calm and accepting about it today. No doubt by tomorrow, I will be scared again.

I also had a long chat with my GP about it, so it is on record there, in case depression rears its head again. I think this is a lot less likely than it would be if I went ahead, as most of my symptoms tend to be stress related, panicky type feelings from being overwhelmed with stuff.

I have been reading about the procedure, and hoping that the doctor at the clinic is right that I am so early it shouldn't be any worse than a heavy period.

There has also been a recent study looking at mifepristone in breast milk, showing minimal transfer, except between 6-12 hours using the higher dose, so I should only have to stop for a few hours, if at all. The advice they give appears to be based on there being no data.

Thank you again for listening to my ramblings. It definitely helps to be able to download it somewhere. As the counsellor said, 1 in 3 women do this by the time they are 45, but no one talks about it. It seems to be one of the last taboos, even less talke about than PND. Maybe if there were more openness, women wouldn't feel so guilty.