10 weeks and stressed!

[NatzCNL]

Hello,

Just hoping I could have a chat and hopefully be cheered up a bit. Im 10 weeks pregnant, I have a 4yr old and 3yr old at home. We lost our 3rd baby in September due to many problems with her which meant we had to end the pregnancy. Since we have found out we are now expecting again, I have been very stressed out worrying about impending scans. But I have no patience and my poor DD's are always in my bad books.

I feel awful as they are my little princess's, and they are just typical pre-schoolers, also close in age which means quite a bit of bickering. I just get so stressed out which is really upsetting me as I hate being cross with my girls, I love them to pieces and am so thankful to have them. I just wish I could explain to them why mummy is so grumpy.

My eldest is also having sleeping problems due to eczema so we are all very sleep deprived. DP is a saint and always helps out when he is home, but he works rubbish shifts which means he is rarely around for bed time which is when the girls are at their worst (being tired). I have more than a couple of times this week just ended up sobbing on the sofa whilst the girls are asleep because I hate who I am at the moment. I never smack my girls, but I have noticed that I just snap and shout at them if they play up. Usually Im very relaxed and talk them through their bad behaviour which works so much better than just telling them off all the time (unless the talking doesn't work of course).

Does anyone have any advice on how to relax my temper and stress levels? I hate the kind of mum I am at the moment and I am sure it's not good for the baby either, it certainly isn't good for my girls.

I would hate to think that these memories of me like this will go through their lives with them. I want to be the mummy I used to be before everything went wrong last year. My little girls deserve that

Hi, I'm going to start by sending you some very unmumsnetty (((((((((( hugs )))))))))).

My DH's mum had cancer, which took years to kill her and she was very ill for a long time. It affected her brain and for a long time she didn't even recognise him. He loved her very much and has very good memories and understood even then that it was an illness that made her that way. I'm only telling you that to help you put any thoughts of ongoing trauma to your girls out of your mind. Children really are amazingly resiliant and, in the grand scheme of things, they aren't being put through very much at all, just a slightly grumpy mum. It's you that is dealing with the stress of your situation.

You only have about 2 weeks until your scan. Your little girls have lots of memories of you and this won't be a stand out one for them, even now. Given their ages it might not be a bad idea to sit them down and tell them that mummy isn't feeling very well at the moment and so has less patience than normal. Give them lots of praise for being good and tell them how much it helps you. Tell them that you'll be better soon.

Now, practical help. Take a nice bath after they're in bed, add chocolate and wine, as necessary. Plan nice things to do, days out, things to distract you. Take a few deep breaths and count to 10 if they start to wind you up. Can you take them to toddler groups or the library or other organised activities to give yourself a break. Don't forget that early pregnancy means your hormones are all over the place as well so be gentle and forgiving of yourself.

Good luck with your scan.

Poor you, sounds like you're having a rough time. I was exactly the same early pregnancy with my 2 as well. I found one of the ways that helped me through was to spend a bit of time everyday doing something nice with them. It wasn't even that long a time but it helped me to remember at the end of the day I hadn't spent the whole day shouting at them! I've also had to train myself to not pick up on everything that stresses me out/annoys me/ makes me want to throw things. I focus on a couple of things that really bug me (getting ready in the morning and toothbrushing for ds and dd winding up people on purpose) and try to only focus on these, letting the other bits slide, unless it's aggressive/rude. Oh I also warn them I am losing my patience/very tired/getting cross, etc. It's by no means perfect but it helped me through a tough few weeks.

They won't overly remember these times so don't worry too much about that, try to do nice things with them every so often and those are the things in the longer term they will remember. Stress apparently doesn't damage babies according to a new report I read somewhere.

I hope things improve for you and remember you're not a bad mummy, just having a rough time at the moment. The stress you went through with your previous pregnancy is huge and everything you had to deal with then. Although not at all the same, I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy discovered at the scan and was very shaky with this one until the 20 week scan. You have a lot on your plate to deal with so try not to be too hard on yourself. Have you talked to the gp/midwife about how you feel?

Thank you so much for your replies. Happycamel, Im so sorry to hear about your husbands mum, that must have been awful. I have been cuddling them as much as I can and telling them that I am a bit grumpy and tired. They are such good girls - most of the time - especially my eldest who is big into cuddles. But almost guarenteed 10 mins later I am shouting again!

Today has just been a tough day and I have been a weeping mess in the kitchen cooking dinner, which strangely has made me feel tonnes better. My lost DD is playing on my mind a lot as her due date is in 7 days. The nuchal scan is still 3 weeks away and I feel sick thinking about it.

Half term has been tougher than I expected, the girls go to pre-school a few afternoons a week. I hadn't realised how much that was helping. Terrible isn't it?

Knackered, good advice regarding doing something nice each day. Ive been relying on Nick Jnr over the past few days to keep the girls entertained. We went out to a farm 2 days ago which was such a great distraction and the girls were angels. I try to get them out of the house at least once a day, even if it's to walk to the shops. A change of scenery helps to keep me sane and it has a positive effect on the girls too.

Knackered, I hope you are enjoying your pregnancy now, I am dreading the whole thing this time round which is such a shame because I loved being pregnant with the girls. I am sure things will change after the nuchal scan, which is when the problems were identified last time.

Im scared to tell the GP how Im feeling. I hate being judged and dont want them sticking a label on me. I know that sounds silly, but there is nothing they can do anyway. I just need to get past the next 3 weeks. Time has ever gone so slow.

It's good to see that you dont think Im insane. Im an emotional wreck some days, others Im normal. I know hormones are to blame in some of this.

Hope you're feeling better today. A good cry always helps, well that's what I do :)Is there a chance they could move your scan forward? They can do nuchal from 11+4 (I think).

I hope you get through the next week okay. Maybe do something on your lost dd's due date to mark it in someway.

Fingers crossed it all goes well for you and you can begin to enjoy this pregnancy. It took me a while but now I'm 26 weeks and enjoying it probably more then my other 2 (making up for the 20 weeks I was full of dread I reckon ). Let us know how you get on and remember you can always come here and rant/cry/etc, sometimes just writing it down helps.

Oh, and if you are insane then save a space for me on your bench as I'll be gladly joining you!

Thank you! I am feeling much brighter now. I asked if they could move the nuchal scan but due to the demand it wasn't possible and would only change it in exceptional circumstances - stressed out and worried doesn't fit that catagorie Im afraid.

We are visiting the cemetry on Saturday and may do something else afterwards as long as my SIL is ok to hang onto the girls for a bit.

I was at my lowest when I posted the original message, and have managed to get myself on track with the kids. I was curled up on the sofa last night and they both decided to come and rub mummy's back to help me get better.... bless them!

Im glad you are able to enjoy the pregnancy now, the scans are so stressful and you must be so relived they are out of the way. Am hoping my feelings change soon!

Will get the and ready for the insane bench if anyone else wants to join x