Sensitive subject - chosing what happens to baby if the worst happens

[jasmine51]

Hi
I dont know whether I'm alone with this, but as delivery creeps ever closer I am becoming preoccupied with the 'what ifs' and in particular what would happen to baby if something catastophic happens to me. Has anyone thought about this and put a plan together? If so, in what form? How can you decide what is best if your partner would not be able to take on the care and grandparents are all elderly? My own preference would be for baby to be adopted by a lovely needy wealthy couple who can fill his life with love and opportunities...but fairy tale endings only happen in films! Has anyone got any advice?

IMO the best thing for your child is to be adopted by someone s/he knows. Our GPs are all elderly and siblings not suitable for one reason and another, so we have asked two friends of ours who are married and have one DS (17yrs). This suits us as they have experience of parenting but don't have small dependent children anymore.

They don't have much money but would of course have our money to raise the boys on with some left over for the boys when they reach adulthood.

We do need to plan the finer details now though! (i.e. they would have to buy a bigger house but when our boys reached 18 would they then sell the house or not? All quite confusing!).

Good luck!

My DH and I have written mirror wills (very cheap to buy over the internet - Which have them online but there are lots out there which are more or less identical) which give you the option of choosing a guardian for any living or future children. We have chosen a good friend who we trust (we asked her first and she agreed). We don't want either of our families being guardians for various reasons... and they don't know about our wills/ the guardianship. We are also writing letters to go with the wills with hopes/wishes for our child/childrens futures.

I personally wouldn't worry too much about the money and would choose someone who you trust and whose values you would like your child to grow up with.

You should have this in your will. Now is a good time to take stock and write a will if you don't have one. I was quite surprised to discover how your assets are split if you don't have a will as I assumed that they would all go to DH. In our case our DD will have guardians appointed in our wills (my DB & DSIL as they will definitely still be around and with it enough to make decisions. But it is up to them who actually cares for DD. For example if she is 16 and mid GCSE then it might be that her guardians decide that it is best that she stay at her school and her grandparents go to live with her for a year. I would imagine that if she is little - as she currently is - then she would move in with DB & DSIL.

Yes, we did think about and put it in our will.

Does anyone know whether requests for friends to be legal guardians/ adoptive parents stand up in law? What I am wondering is if there would be some kind of social services interference and they would have a right (against the wishes expresssed in the will) to object to the adoption? So for example, we have a friend who would make a wonderful parent, capable in every way would give our LO the love we would want...but she happens to be disabled. The last thing I would want is for her to end up in some legal battle.

As fas as I'm aware it's legally binding jasmine. Certainly when we drew up our wills the solicitor didn't give us any impression it wasn't.

You family do have the right to contest any will so we have made it clear to our family who the boys will be going to so they know our wishes too.

This is a very good point but one that always makes me uncomfortable as DH and I just don't know who we would want to have the kids if we both died while they were little. If just I died DH would have them with his parents help, and I am fine with that BUT would not want my parents to try to claim them and uproot them back to the UK, when their home is here as far as they are concerned - I have never got around to discussing this with my parents as I don't get on brilliantly with them and would struggle to explain my reasons without causing upset.
If we both died the situation would be tricky as grandparents on both sides are already in their 60s (kids are 5, 3, and due in April!) so too old to be ideal, but again I would prefer DH's parents as they know the kids better, are "better" with the kids when they are with them, and although very similar ages to my parents are in better overall health. I would really rather have younger guardians, and if I could think of anyone ideal I'm sure we'd have asked them and written wills by now making this clear, but despite DH having 2 brothers and me having 3 sisters there are reasons why none of them are really appropriate, and although there are friends I could ask to look after the kids over night for example, I really cannot think of anyone who I could really ask to take on 3 children in addition to their own - I have no handy wonderful but childless/ 1 child friend who would secretly love another 3 and welcome them with open arms for the rest of their childhoods, and I'd hate my kids to be taken in but resented!

So yes I think about it, but no I haven't done anything about it because I really don't know what the best option would be! :(

2and1...and theres the dilemma! Its so hard isnt it. My DH wants to name his sister as guardian but that would be the last person in the world I would ever want near my precious little one. DH says he would take on care if he survived me but is refusing to be rational about that and see that it just wouldnt be possible.
I have kind of opened the dialogue with my parents now and asked for their suggestions within the family but it aint going to be easy. Discussing it with friends might be a bit easier but is bound to stretch the boundaries of friendship!
This is going to be incredibly tricky since my DHs side of the family are very dysfunctional and have already lost contact with 2 children through splits and custody.
Oh dear, horrible to think about but so important.

Jasmine - I thought about this at about the same time that you are, and we pretty much decided what we wanted to do whilst I was pregnant. We didn't write wills until after DS was born though - not wishing to dwell on another sensitive subject, but with maternal mortality being better than infant mortality it seemed like the right way round to do things for us.

I'm not an expert, but I imagine it would be difficult to bypass your DH in favour of another guardian if he survived you unless that was his express wish.

We paid about £100 for a solicitor to draw up our wills which name friends as guardians. I think like yourself we were keen to make sure DS wasn't passed on to certain family members and so felt that we had to specify otherwise. We also have a life assurance policy which pays out on one or both of our deaths, as it didn't seem reasonable to expect anyone to take on the full financial burden of our DS - this is something that I did set up while I was pregnant.

The life insurance is a very good idea, which perhaps would make it possible for your DH to take on care if he survived you?

My anxiety would be for the situation where DH and I both died, say in a car crash, leaving the kids - it is complicated by us having 3 children (well 2 already and one due in a couple of months) as it is a lot more to ask a friend to take on! I know I'd happily take on one child for a friend if they asked me to in this situation, but although actually I personally like having lots of kids in the house and big families I don't know if I could ever persuade my husband to take on another 3! The only friends I'd trust with my own children already have at least 2 children of their own (not that I wouldn't trust somebody childless in theory, just that I don't know anyone childless who would want and be in a position to take on children if necessary), and asking anyone to go from 2 to 5 is huge! The in-laws are probably the only practical solution, but they are already in their 60s...

So the dilemma persists and if you don't have suitable friends to ask (for whatever reason) it seems impossible to solve!

I am a bit confused as to why you think your partner would not be able to care for his child? I manage fine :)

Sorry - meant to also say that I have a will that names my sister and her husband as legal guardians should anything happen to me. All drawn up by a solicitor so I assume it's legally binding.

LadyBiscuit I assumed the OP's concern about her partner being on his own with the child would be financial, especially if they have very little in the way of savings to see him through any period when he could not work... A life insurance policy would make that less of a problem I imagine, and looking into what his options would be with child tax credits etc. when paying for child care would be reassuring in a theoretical way, if a bit morbid! It is great you have a sister willing and able to be named in the "worst case scenario" but the dilemma is for those without a really suitable person or couple to name, for whatever reasons.

Lady & Rufous I have no intention of bypassing my DHs wishes and of course it would be the best outcome if he continued care, but there are very good reasons why he would not be able to bring up LO himself. On a good day he will admit that, but there is a long history here that is highly emotional and we need to come up with a solution that is realistic and in the interests of the LO and not with personal agendas. x

It's not that simple for me as my sister has a life-limiting condition which was only diagnosed last year so she is likely to die before I do. But I don't feel I can raise that issue with her so this is something that's been preying on my mind too.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry OP. Sounds like a good bet would be a friend in your case though if you don't have any suitable members of your family. It might be best to discuss again with your partner once you've had your baby and it's more real, particularly if he's really keen on his sister caring and you are adamant that she's not suitable.

since I'm married my husband would get the DC if I died during labour. If we both died after the DC was here I'd probably want in laws to raise the child or my best friend. Must do a will though.