How To Gently Let Down Friend Who Wants To Be Birthing Partner?

[midori1999]

I am an idiot, I know!

My DH is in the army and is posted from April. Baby is due in July and I have decided to stay put until baby is born, partly as pregnancy is high risk and partly so my DC can finish the school year.

When I told one of my friends I was staying here she immediately said 'Oh, I'll be your birthing partner then!' and I didn't really answer one way or the other, I felt a bit awkward about it. Since then she has kept mentioning it and I keep trying to say things that will put her off, but she isn't taking the hints.

My Mum is coming over when I am 37 weeks (if I am still pregnant then) and the plan was she would come to the hospital with me and then come home again if DH arrived in time. I had planned to ask my friend if she could mind my DC for me.

I just don't think I'll feel comfortable enough to be able to relax and get on with it with my friend there. My last labour was with my twins at 23+5 weeks, and we lost both twins, 1 at 15 minutes old, 1 at 9 days old, so I am not sure how I'll react to being in labour again. Also, if possible I want baby put straight onto my tummy after she is born and want her left there until I have tried/been able to breastfeed her, which again, I don't feel comfortable about with my friend there.

There are a few other reasons I don't want her there, but I feel if I say no to her being my birthing parner I can't really ask her to look after my DC for me, so my Mum would have to stay with them and I would have to go to the hospital on my own. I would still prefer to be on my own than with my friend though.

How can I let her down gently?

So sorry to hear about your twins

I'd tell her that the hospital will only allow two names on the list of those who are allowed in the delivery room/birth centre with you and those names can't be changed during labour (this is policy where I am having my baby though not sure how strictly it would be enforced..?). Therefore, you can only nominate your Mum and husband to be in attendance. Also impress on her how worried about someone looking after DC you are and make her see that this is an incredibly important role she can play on the big day.

Whatever happens don't let her force her way into being with you. Every woman needs to be as comfortable as possible, and with the people she really wants there.

Good luck!

Hey! I agree with cocoachannel, tell her that you have already nominated two people to be at your birth, and you felt bad about telling her sooner, but the hospital has confirmed that it can not be changed!
Also, I too am really sorry to hear about your twins )= You could be honest with your friend and tell her that after what happened with your twins, you're worried in case of anything not going to plan, and you need someone who you can feel comfortable around! Like your mum, because you need someone to be able to handle seeing you in pain and someone who can make decisions for you in case, as you may not be in the right state of mind, being in pain and maybe with the drugs and all... So after everything that you've been through, you need to have your next of kin to be there, if that can't be your partner then it'll have to be your mum, and you can't change it!
Let her know that she would be a great help if she could look after DC, and she's the only person you trust to ask! You'd really appreciate it, will be helping you loads, and it may not be the role that she wishes to play when you're in labour, but it's the next and most important one!
That should make her feel involved and in some way, useful!
Don't feel bad about letting her down, it's your pregnancy/labour/birth and it should be how you want it, and find comfortable!
Good luck (= x

So sorry to hear about your twins. My partner is in the army and I miscarried our first baby while he was in Afghanistan so I can empathise a little. It was horrendous, but made bearable by my wonderful family and friends.

I agree with CobainsAngel, just be honest with her. She's trying to be a good friend by offering to be your birthing partner so hopefully if you just say 'please don't be hurt, but I just want my mum with me. It would be REALLY helpful if you could look after DC though'

If she's a good friend (and she must be if she's offering to be a birthing partner!) I'm sure she'll understand.

The friend who got me through my miscarriage is 'on call' with this pregnancy to get me to hospital and wait with me until mum or DP arrive but is well aware that her duty will then be done and will diligently go home and wait for DP to call her with news. She's the greatest! Hopefully your friend will be too.

Midori - I think you just need to say to her 'Thank you so much for offering to be my birthing partner, your support means a lot to me :) However, DH should be back on time and my Mum will be there if he can't be. I am worried about the children though - I don't suppose you would consider looking after them would you, it really would be one big worry off of my mind if you could'.

I really don't see why anyone would get upset at that tbh.

You have to do what is right for you, it's going to be hard, it's going to be emotional and you don't need to be worrying about feeling uncomfortable in front of her. The sooner you tell her and get this off of your mind the better x

Thankyou. It's even more awkward because she's just already assumed that she's doing it and I haven't had the courage to just tell her it's not decided, so she's talking as if it's 'a done deal'. (I am normally quite outspoken, so not sure why I haven't just told her!)

She's not really that close a friend tbh. We do see quite a lot of each other, but don't confide in one another or anything. I would love to think she's offering to be my birthing partner to help me out, but I sadly suspect it's more as she wants to be involved as she wants another baby but is sterlised and her DH wouldn't consider another anyway. When I was pregnant with my twins she kept saying she'd babysit and have them overnight, which on one hand is lovely but I just have a niggly feeling it was more for her benefit than mine. She didn't even visit me or ring me after my twins died, just sent a text and I can't even remember her at the funeral.

I realise I sound awful.

So sorry about your twins :(. DD2 was stillborn at 36 weeks and I'm terrified of having to give birth again if I ever get pregnant so I can empathise with your concerns.

I agree with much of what's been said. If it were me, though, I'd try and focus on what only your mum can do (she's your mum! and its easier for her to act as your next of kin if required, although might be worth checking with MW whether that's relevant before relying on it) and what you'd really appreciate your friend doing for you (looking after your DC - were they old enough to understand what happened with the twins? If so looking after them while you're in labour again will be a far more important job than it would normally be. Either way, knowing that they're safe and cared for for as long as it takes will make it so much easier for you to labour).

Personally I'd try and avoid getting into why you don't want her in the hospital (you wouldn't feel as comfortable, etc) or how you think your mum can do things better as that's where I think there's a greater risk of her feeling offended. Can you come up with a reason why it would be hard for your mum to look after the DC?

That way, hopefully, it can be a positive thing and it sounds like she's a good enough friend she ought to be prepared to support you - even if you need her support in areas she hadn't expected.

Wishing you a straightforward end to this issue, and a good birth :)

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You don't sound awful at all, and don't ever think that!

She doesn't sound like that much of a friend, tbh :(. Given how little she was there for you after the twins I'd be very concerned about how sympathetic she is likely to be during what could be a very emotional labour. Based on what you've said, I wouldn't worry too much about hurting her feelings - I'd focus on having an alternative plan for DC so your mum is free to be your birth partner.

Midori - you don't sound awful, I 'know' you well enough from around here to know you are most certainly not awful.

She made the assumption (or tried to elbow her way in by not just 'offering'!), I can see why if she wants another baby and can't have one she's probably wanting to feel as involved with others as she can, but really, that's her issue, not yours.

I can't believe that after not being there for you when the twins died she now thinks she can just 'asssume' you will allow her to be your birthing partner.

Just get it over and done with - you don't need to be worrying about her right now. She has brought this on herself and annoyingly on you too - don't you dare feel bad about it!

I have a good friend who wants to be my birthing partner - and Ive told her why NOT - my DP or if he's not available (works for - but not in the military) a friend who is a qualified nurse is my first port of call. Knowing that you'd rather have your DP or your Mum seems very reasonable - to me, if she takes offence then its her proiblem :)

Tell her that you are touched by her kindness in offering, but that you are lucky in that your Mum can come - and be honest - tell her that you naturally have some apprehension over the whole thing because of your sad loss, and this feel like one of those times when you need your Mum! Anyone would understand that!

Then a while later, tell her that if she really would like to help you out, it would be brilliant if she could look after your DC.

i would just put more stress onto that you were really hoping she would be able to have your dc, and obviously she cant be in 2 place @ once so if she was able to have dc instead of birth partner, then that would be more helpful for you. if she brings it up by saying she really wants to help etc just keep moving it over to the idea of her having kids and how useful that would be?

Hi Midori,

lots of good advice above. I think it is important to be honest and clear when you talk to her. Blu puts it nicely.

But be careful about white lies and mini-excuses. For example, if you say 'the hospital won't allow two people' the last thing you need is her saying 'don't worry, I'll phone the hospital to ask permission' or something!!

Better to be completely honest and say that you'd really just prefer your Mum. I really think she'll understand.

Midori - have you told her yet?? If not, you need to - just so you can stop worrying about it! You have all of us standing right behind you!!

Thankyou all.

I haven't told her yet, I am going to wait until I see her anyway, but I have made up my mind I have to.

I think I will just say that they only allow one birth partner at a time (which is true) and that my Mum is worried due to my last birth and had set her heart on being there for me, which is sort of true anyway.

Does that sound OK?

That sounds fine :)

Just be sure to ask if she can have the kids - one worry off of your mind and it will make her feel 'important' still :)