First baby at 39 - dating scan Monday - scared when I should be excited

[LearningFast]

Hi all,

I've been reading other people's posts on MumsNet for a while now, but this is the first time I've posted a question myself.

I am struggling with not having anyone other than DH (who works away from home) to talk to as we decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until after the first scan.

Our dating scan is booked for Monday, when I'll be 12 weeks and 3 days. DH is really excited about seeing the baby. Only thing is, that rather than being excited about seeing the little mite for the first time, I'm just so scared of the results of the scan.

I'm 39 and really worried about there being something wrong with the baby. This is my first pregnancy and we conceived in the first month of trying, which we realise makes us very lucky. Both of us are fit and well, with no medical complications / family history of difficulties.

Can anyone offer any reassurance, or give me some tips about what to ask / look out for (soft markers?) when we go along to the hospital?

Your thoughts would be really appreciated.

Hi LearningFast and congratulations! Some of the things you describe have a very familiar ring to me... I'm also 39, expecting my first baby, DH and I both healthy etc., and up to the first scan my excitement was also mixed with a lot of anxiety. Just looking at the statistics was freaking me out, causing me to ask 'What the hell am I doing having a baby at my age?!' And then you hear all these stories from friends, family, the internet... Sometimes there is such a thing as too much information, but to be honest, I always thought that I'd rather know what might happen than live in blissful ignorance - not sure if that helps, though!

For me, the 12-week scan helped a lot in the respect that it made the pregnancy more real, i.e. that I had not been imagining things and that there really is a baby inside me. For that alone it was absolutely worth it.
We went for the combined screening - nuchal translucency and bloods. Are you having those? We spoke a lot about it before and what we would do, playing through all the different scenarios. Not a pleasant thing to do, but important. I also did a lot of reading, trying to gather as much information as possible...

At the screen itself, they checked for quite a few things - heartbeat, number of babies etc. They measured the nuchal translucency, but no other soft markers - but you should absolutely ask about those if you want them to be looked at! I think every hospital does those slightly differently.

Maybe make a list of things you want to ask them about? The scans are really good opportunities, and most sonographers will be happy to oblige!

Just fire away and ask them anything, there are no stupid questions, anything to put your mind at rest.

Not sure if anything I wrote will help with the fear... Try not to worry too much, remember that the majority of pregnancies has no complications and that in this day and age we have so much more help available than our mothers had!

Good luck for Monday!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm also 39 and 17 weeks with DC3. I found with all of mine that I was incredibly nervous for the first 12 weeks and really couldn't believe that there was a baby in there until I saw the scan. Please be reassured that it's completely normal to feel apprehensive. It's a period of uncertainty and, of course, there are no guarantees that everything's ok. That said, it's statistically far more likely that all will be fine. I was more worried this time because of my age but was offered the combined test (nuchal fold plus blood test). I got the results of the nuchal fold that day and the full results a few days later. The odds were good.

The first scan is fairly straightforward - they're basically checking that your dates match up, that the baby is within the womb and finding out whether it's just the one baby! You should be able to ask about the results of the nuchal fold, assuming you're offered it.

I know that there's no point in saying relax so all you can do is sit tight, wait for Monday and look forward to telling people your good news.

Very best of luck.

Congrats to you all! I'm 40 and expecting my 4th. I think if this was my first pregnancy I would probably feel the same as you as the first pregnancy is such a big deal, in terms of the unknown, the utter life changing experience, etc and I'm sure I'd be as nervous as you.

BUT, to reassure you, the fact that I'm 40 and expecting has barely registered with me that the risks are (slightly) higher. Probably because it's a case of been there done that, I'm relaxed about it etc.

I hope that gives a little reassurance! Let's face it, if nature didn't plan on us getting pregnant at such an old age (!) it wouldn't happen!

Don't feel bad about feeling anxious rather than excited, chances are you will have another 28 weeks to be excited! I've always felt worried about every scan and not relaxed until afterwards. If you have got to 12w without trouble, chances are good that all is OK.

My advice is not to try and read anything into what the sonographers say or don't say as they are all different!

With DC1 the sonographer was saying straight away 'oh yes I can see it's a 12 week baby', and told me straight away the nuchal fold measurement [Downs indicator] was fine.

With DC2 they didn't really say anything until the end, which got me worried, but all was fine. Because my hospital now does the blood test for Downs too (I don't think they all do?) they didn't even tell me if the nuchal fold measurement was ok or not [I got the letter eventually and it was, but it freaked me out when I looked at my notes afterwards because it was quite a bit higher than DC1's- however a quick bit of internet research reassured me that it was in the normal range as my baby was 13w+3 not 12w- so moral is I should have asked them at the time!]

Best wishes!

I think lots of people feel scared rather than excited. With my first I was apprehensive but with my 2nd I was terrified. Sometimes you can do too much in the way of background reading.

Try and relax, I know it is hard.

Hi Ladies,

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply, and for being so kind. I really do appreciate this!

You are right, I am thinking 'What am I doing at my age?!', at least some of the time, even though we made an active decision to try and have a baby.

We are having the combined screening. In our area this is standard for women who are over 35 and you can't have the nuchal scan without the blood tests - or at least, the booking letter implies this, but we would probably have gone for both anyway. We haven't done enough (hardly any so far) talking about the possible outcomes - I like the idea of thinking of them as different scenarios and how we might deal with each. DH is at home now until after the scan which has helped me to calm down. I broached the subject at breakfast this morning, so he has some time to think before we talk about it properly later.

It is weird having all of the symptoms of pregnancy (nausea and sickness, sore breasts, crying at inopportune moments, not to mention the missed periods) and yet somehow not quite believing there is actually a baby growing in there? I AM looking forward to the confirmation of this at the scan, and to being able to tell other people and enjoy their excitement? Just hope the results are OK. As you say, there is not much more I can do except wait and try to relax about it.

I?ll let you know how it goes? thanks again for the support.

Learning this is something I was worried about too and particularly as I'm 34, 35 by EDD. The sonographer was lovely and once I knew he'd had time to have a good look I just asked how the nuchal fold looked and also whether there was a nasal bone visible, no nasal bone is a soft marker, was reasured by the answers and as I was intrested they took the time to give me a picture a point out the fold looking thin and the bone. Definately ask lots of questions they understand you'll be anxious and will do everything they can to keep you informed and reassured. Good luck with the scan!