Unplanned 4th pregancy. In turmoil.

[Suzie3]

SO having decided that we absolutely don't want any more children (started taking bags of stuff to Oxfam), I discovered two days ago that I am pregnant with number four.
I felt totally shocked. My children are 6, 4 and 18 months, and both me and my husband were really looking forward to the next stage, and enjoying having our lives back a little. I am 36 - so not really very young anymore either - although not too old either I suppose (although I sometimes feel it!)

I sobbed and sobbed when I found out. I just felt so exhausted by the prospect, and as though I couldn't summon the energy and excitement to do it all again.
By the time my husband got home though, I was already starting to feel a bit more positive.

He is totally negative and just says "I'm so sorry, I just can't". I feel really sorry for him, but I think now we are in different places. I have made an appointment with an abortion clinic, to "discuss our options" but really, I feel that I just couldn't go through with this.

I know that he would, if it were up to him though. And i do respect his thoughts on this.
I feel backed into a corner. I don't feel that I can have a termination, not really , without feeling like i will always regret it, and blame him. On some level I have started seeing this as something that was somehow meant to be. I am one of four, and I have to say that I think it's a great number. BUT I had totally decided that our family was complete, and I was happy with it, and looking forward to the next stage. I feel worn out. Will I be able to do another 2 years of weaning, nappies, sleepless nights and "the wheels on the bus".

I think that really, I have made my decision, and that I want to have this baby. But I really need to get my DH on board too. He's an amazing father, and I just couldn't face a fourth child without his support.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Or have you been before? What happened and how did you work it out?

Would love to hear from you x

Suzie, it may be worth considering some counselling for the two of you to discuss this in neutral territory. I can see where he is coming from and also where you are coming from. For him it's simple - have a termination and pretend it never happened. For you it has already happened.

Interesting that he is one of 3 and you are one of 4.

Sometimes it helps to "talk it out" with someone who is not involved in the situation - just a thought.

We were in exactly the same position 7 years ago. I found out I was expecting no. 4 despite having the contraceptive injection (fell for no. 3 on the pill - GP told me that chemical contraception doesn't work for everyone, bit late though!)

I was in shock but didn't feel I could go through with a termination. DH said he couldn't handle another child, it would ruin ours and our older 3 DS lives etc, my mum even told me to have an abortion. I got to the point of ringing a clinic as I didn't feel anyone was on my side but couldn't do it. I told my OH that I would leave him first and (luckily as I loves him lots!) he gradually got used to the idea - as did the rest of the family.

DS4 was born 2 1/2 years after DS3 and (apart from some medical issues that no-one could have predicted) things are great. We have a busy house, lots of children/pets everywhere. We do have good local support from my family which helps us get some time to ourselves but tbh DS4 has kind of had to 'get on with it' - no time for any pandering (evil mummy!)

DH finally had the snip though!

So reassuring to hear, thanks NOTN.
It's really tough to feel as though you are the only one wanting to go ahead. I do feel that I have really properly explored the options though. I am sure he will get used to it, but I was feeling a little bit cross with him last night. I need to keep really calm with him though. Don't want him thinking - look.. it's already ruining our relationship!

I think you make a good point about local support. We don't have anyone near by, but lots of great friends, and other Mums with small children and we already help each other out a lot. I think extra help would be really reallygood - to avoid dragging everyone out on every school run in the early days.
My DS2 will be starting school in September, and DD3 can start to do a few hours at nursery then too, so all helpful.

I am getting ahead of myself. It's still very early days. It's nice to be able to finally really think of this as a pregnancy, not just a huge issue!!

x

Sending you huge hugs. good luck

How are things looking today Suzie?

Much better thanks Weblette. I think we are starting to get our heads around it.
My DH even asked about when the scan was the other day, which I take to be a good sign.

I think we will be OK. Have spoken to a friend with 4 kids (last two twins, so she also didn't intend to have 4 either!) and she was very reassuring and gave me lots of positive reasons for why four is a good number.
I just keep thinking that actually, now the initial shock is wearing off, there are so many terrible things that can happen in a person's life, and that really this is not a bad thing at all, in the grand scheme of things. Could even be seen as good... and I am starting to think this way! No sure quite where we are going to fit everyone, but I am sure that will work itself out!

Thanks again.
x

Sorry to reply to your post so late.. but when I read it it sounded so much like my own situation. I found out just before Christmas that I was pg with no.4

I am 36 and we have DD9 DS6 and DS3, and my husband was completely against idea of any more (though I am eternally broody - but in my head I had decided 3 was probably enough). He said similar things to your DH, too tired, too much financial strain, would spoil our relationship, be detrimental to our other kids, etc.

My mum's reaction was 'you're not going to keep it are you?' which I found really upsetting.

I had an appt for a termination, and only cancelled it the morning of the day it was booked. My husband couldn't see me go through with it, and I was very relieved as I knew I would regret an abortion. I agree with so much of what's been said. It's not the worst thing that can happen! It will be hard work, but better not to have those regrets of 'what if'.

I am now 14 weeks, and as you said, so nice to be able to be excited about a pregnancy instead of stressed about a big unsurmountable problem.

Hope everything continues to go well, I'm sure he will adjust and love no.4 as much as he does his other 3. Best of luck x

Oh gosh - Just saw your reply. It all sounds so very similar. Even down to your age (another reason that DH was against another baby... not getting any younger, three healthy children etc etc) I will be 37 in May, and this baby is due in September.

Now I am the other side of the decision, I really think that if I had decided to terminate I would have had huge feelings of regret later. Having said that, I suppose if I had gone through with it I would have had to try and move on and just gone with that decision.

Now though, I am starting to feel really quite excited. I saw my GP today and booked my nucal scan. I'm still only 9 weeks, so won't have the scan for another 4. There are a few people I really want to talk to, to explain why I have been the way I've been over the last week or so. I am sure some of my friends think I am a total nutcase. I have been so weepy and weird.

I totally understand how your Mum's reaction must have felt upsetting. But then, she must have been very worried for you too, and maybe she wanted you to know that she would support your decision to terminate if you felt that that was the right way for you?
My parents are away travelling, so I wasn't able to talk to them. I sent them a long emotional email, and got one back a few days later. They were very non-judgemental either way, and just said that this really had to be my decision (and DH) with no other influences. I have since let them know what I decided, and they are very pleased. So important to have that support I think - although it will be emotional, not practical sadly, since they are never in the country!

How is your DH feeling now? Mine still has reservations, and makes jokey comments like "do I have to be there for the birth this time?". But today I told him the scan date, and said I would understand if he couldn't make it, and he was adamnent that he would - which I take as a good sign. Also, we watched "one born every minute" tonight, and he still gets tears in his eyes whenever he sees a baby born - still a big softy really!

So - let me know how you get on. It's nice to know there is someone else in such a similar situation.
Oh - and do you think your other kids will be pleased? My eldest says that she doesn't want any more babies, three children is enough (!) but my second one, 4 yr old boy, keeps saying he wants another baby. That's because he wants another boy though!! May have to find out what this one is to break it gently!

Speak soon.
x

So great to read your reply.. Yes, very similar situation. Wow, your other half sounds like he's come round to the idea pretty well, that's really good, I'm so pleased for you. I think mine is still in denial! I had my nuchal a couple of weeks ago - he didn't come, which was fine, I know he's busy at work, so I didn't make a fuss, I think he was shocked to see the scan photo and realise there is actually a baby in there!

Yes, I too felt terrible not being able to tell friends, felt like I was being rude, avoiding people and looking very sad and gloomy all the time (sickness didn't help, thankfully passing slowly now) but you just can't face people when you're going through that kind of turmoil.

I'm sure my mum was just worried about me coping. She's very good and helps me out a lot, I don't want her to feel like she's going to carry the burden though!

I was really nervous about telling the children, especially my daughter (9) as her two brothers drive her mad most of the time! She was very pleased though (hoping for a sister I'm sure) and middle son very excited and wants another boy!

Youngest one (3 yr old boy) very indifferent, but has been saying things like 'babies are boring' 'babies always make a noise' so don't think he'll be thrilled! :)

Would be lovely to hear how things go with you.. Best of luck with scan, it's lovely to see a little life in there again.. And hope your kids react well...!
Take care xx

oooh. So you have been able to tell your kids, that must be nice.

I talked to mine a bit whilst I was going through all that turmoil. Funny, but i sort of wanted their views on things, without going into what was happening of course. I asked my eldest (6) whether she thought 3 or 4 kids was a good number and she said"well we'd always love another baby if we had one, but actually it is quite hard work so I think three is better" ! Very wise I thought! My 4 year ols asks for a brother all the time. He asked again yesterday, so I said - but if we did have another baby it might be another girl (he has two sisters) Would you like another girl baby too? And he said that yes, he liked girl babies too - so that was reassuring!

All being well, I actually really am looking forward to telling them. I think the eldest will find it harder. She finds having two younger siblings frustrating at times.
The little one (20 months) won't understand, of course, but she is fascinated with babies, so she might find it interesting!

I have been feeling totally wiped out today, and quite sick too. Just feel really bad when I am not on form for the other kids. I felt a bit snappy and grumpy by bedtime - I definitely have a shorter fuse than usual at the moment.

On that note, I really must get to bed...
Speak soon.
x

Just realised that I totally repeating myself - sorry! Please put it down to being up too late and baby brain! Night night x

We had 3 under 3 years old and I had planned on a 4th but it was so tiring I couldn't make myself go for it. Then I hit 39 and decided it was now or never. We were lucky and were soon pregnant. Even though it was planned it was really scary as, with 3 small children, I was so tired it was hard to imagine how I would cope it anything went wrong. By that I mean pregnancy problems or a disabled child. However (and despite a pregnancy problem in fact) it all worked out. I was a little overwhelmed for the first 6 months but now we can see see life is getting much easier (youngest is 3). For me the regret was in fact not going to it sooner. There is a much bigger gap (3.5 years) between the last two and the gap is really felt still at the moment. The older 3 are much more independent. I would say your family will be really well spaced so I do say, take this as a blessing. Would your husband gain from reading these posts and hearing how you are feeling? Maybe not but I just thought I would say, I hope you get to really enjoy this last child.

Hi Fossie. Not sure if you are still out there, but wanted to say thanks for your post.

My husband is still struggling with it a bit - I think he just feels worn out. I have my nuchal scan on Thursday so I am really hoping that will help him a little. And I am now starting to worry in case anything is wrong - which I take to be a good sign for me!

You make a really good point about him reading these posts. I think I will keep a copy of them all somewhere so that in the future I can show him - It might be a good thing, in time. Not sure he's ready for it just yet. It's still very unreal for him right now I think.

Many thanks for sharing your story - It's inspiring to me, and makes me feel happier that we will be OK! Just really need my husband to get on baord with it as soon as possible I feel a bit lonely with it at the moment.

Suzie
xx

Hi Suzie3, I was just looking back over this post and wondered how things went for you after all the early heartwrenching?

It would be great to hear from you!

xx

How are things going for you now with your 4 Suzie3? xx