8 weeks pregnant with fourth child and desperate for advice

[TimTamDiva]

Hello everyone - apologies for the long post but I need to get all of this out of my system and I'm so desperate for advice...

I am now 8 weeks pregnant with baby number 4 - my other children are DD 6.8, DD 2.9 and DS 13 months - all completely gorgeous and I love them to bits.

This was completely unplanned and I have swung wildly between wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy and choosing a termination. I'm just turned 37 and apart from a severe PPH after DD number 2, all of my pregnancies have been natural, drug-free and completely healthy.

However I suffer from awful nausea and exhaustion in the first few months, which is making this decision even harder to make as I just feel sick and depressed and unable to do anything.

My husband - who is incredibly supportive - is saying it is my decision and that whatever decision I make is the "right one". Completely no help whatsoever, really, although knowing he will support me regardless is reassuring.

I know that the reality of a termination will upset me greatly - but I have only just begun to make inroads back into my performing career, which I put on hold (willingly) to raise my family. I would have to say goodbye to a large recording opportunity in September when baby is due and of course just the thought of juggling four children - and the financial side of things - fills me with dread. I've only just recovered from DS and I'm finally starting to feel like I have a grip on things, you know? And god knows my family will think I'm insane...

Equally I know that if I was to have the baby that I'll cope and that four children is a blessing. My sister-in-law and my brother have been trying to conceive for over a year and suffered their first miscarriage just before Christmas...and so many of my friends are in the same boat. Who am I to just cut a new ife short? Especially when evidently I am a baby machine!!!

I genuinely don't know what to do. I have an appointment for a termination this Friday and I'm struggling to make sense of the conflicting feelings...is there anyone out there in the same boat? Or can explain how they made their choice?

Hi
I cant really help you sorry but wanted to reply .
Only you can decide-noone on here can really influence your decision.

I have 4 x dc- had hyperemesis so bad with dc 3 if someoen had come along and offerred me a termination i cant say i wouldnt have considered it.
Dc 4 was much better if thats any help -i still had the sickness but not ALL the time so i coped.
dc 4 is lying here next to me in her crib and you maybe cant imagine having even more love to give but you just do.
On the other hand i can see you work life balance situation.
Are you missing a MASSIVE opportunity or something that could come along again.
You potentially have 28 years of your career ahead of you still - so plently of time.
It sounds to me like you are someone who does count your blessings and your not considering this willy nilly.
It also sounds like your questioning your decision to go for the termination, so if your not sure give yourself more time.
make the decision when your not tired and overwhelmed with the sickness .
Sending you a huge (((((((( hug )))))))))))

Thanks for the hug fakeblondie :) - half the battle is trying to find a clear head in the middle of the gagging and the passing out at 9pm every night.

I'm putting so much pressure on myself because I know with every day that passes my pregnancy goes further along - I haven't even spoken to my GP yet, and I haven't had a scan so have no idea if little one is even still ok - although this damn nausea (as well as having been through this three times over lol) is implying that all is fine. But I could go through all of this to-ing and fro-ing only for it all to go pearshaped at the first scan...

I know that the longer I leave it the more my choice is made for me, to be honest. So perhaps I am really looking for a way to feel good about this instead of really ambivalent...I was so thrilled with the other 3, it just feels so wrong to be on the fence like this.

Firstly (and I don't mean to be callous) but you have to forget about the struggle of others. I know that may sound mean & I don't want it to, but your choice has to be about what you need as a woman, and as a mother. Not about what others are going through.

I was in a similar position to you, end 2008. I had a termination in Jan 2009. It was a total accident, contraception failure (dd was 5mths old when I found out). My dr had refused until dd2 was a yr. I was beyond devastated, it was the worse thing that could have happened to me.

My reasons for terminating were many, although in main, I didn't think my body would cope with another pregnancy & section birth. And I knew I couldn't cope with a third child. It never really recovered from #2!

I do not regret one thing about the termination. I felt sheer relief when I woke (surgical under GA) and I look at my life now, with my 2 girls, and know that I have enough going on in my life & that #3 would have been a struggle for me.

It is a difficult choice to make, and one that only you can make. I knew as soon as the lines came up that it wasn't something I would go through with!

Good Luck!

Hi Timtam I have recently found out I am expecting DC3 I was bf and using a diaphram.

We are going ahead with the pg and barely a week on I am very happy and excitedly planning for this one the same as I did for the others.

The reason why is because I had a termination when I was 15 and never recovered, I was very pro choice but I could not accept my decision and it caused me a great deal of pain, these feelings I am told are rare but I urge you not to rush I did rush so I could have the easier termination but I wasnt sure and that is why it upset me make sure it is what you want.

I am pregnant with my first, and suffering so bad from sickness and exhaustion. I don't think I could do again let alone having done it 3 times already and been the same!

Although it good yr husband is there whatever you decide, surely it would be better if he was to say what he would prefer to you. It should be a joint decision and it makes it much harder for you to decide (I think)

I think you really need to consider what it will do to your mental health either way. Are you likely to ever get over a termination? I know as a mother it isn't something I could do, but I am a 'coper' and know that I would be fine with more children (difficult as it may be). It totally depends on what kind of person you are and how you feel about these things.

hi, ive been in this exact situation with my third pg i too had an appt for termination booked (actually in the end id had 3 that i couldnt go through with but then changed my mind again and re booked) i really think that my severe morning (well, all day!) sickness was what made the decision so difficult.

It was a horrible, difficult time and i went through hell but i carried on and had a beautiful daughter. I had previously had a termination as a teenager so knew what i was facing either way.

every day i swung between thinking yes i will keep the baby then back to wanting a termination. i think my judgement was clouded by the severe sickness, the fact that my dc have a genetic condition and also that my ds was the worlds worst baby who cried non stop every day. I couldnt believe my luck when i had dd2 she never cries so my fears were unfounded.

pm me if you need to talk i really understand exactly what you are going through and if i can help in any way, offer support or advice or just be a shoulder to cry on iam here .

I am not able to help with your decsion, however please speak to your doctor about your morning sickness. I got to the stage where it was taking over my life, I couldnt eat or what I did eat came back up. I went to the doc's and I am now on some medication which has helped my feel normal again. I am nine weeks and what I have been prescribed is safe to use at whatever stage your at.

I think if you take the morning sickness out of the equation, you can make a more informed decision.

Sending lots of hugs

out of interest nicky7611 what med do you have? i had prochlroperazine with last pg and would be interested to know if theres something that works better (just for future ref!)

We were in a similar position in September when we discovered we were expecting DC3. The first 12 weeks were difficult with awful nausea, tiredness etc, but we are now 25 wks in to the pregnancy and I am sure we have made the right decision to continue with it. Do you have a cut off point for when you would consider termination unacceptable? I remember creeping closer and closer to mine and knowing I could never go through with it... You have to really consider how you would feel about it and make your decision based on that as much as anything else.

Hi timtamdiva Im sorry you are in this predicament . Very hard.

I have a 13 month old and a 3.5 yr old and I can't imagine being 8 weeks PG right now.

I have to point out though, with both PG, boy and girl, I had awful sickness for 12/14 weeks, on my hands and knees and I felt SO DEPRESSED. Even tough they were planned, at that stage in PG I wondered what I had done and felt no excitement, happiness or positive feelings about the future.

There are alot of hormones in you right now that are making sure you feel miserable, unable to cope, sick and generally down about things.

These evil hormones won't be there in another 4-6 weeks, what if you are making this decision on their influence IYSWIM?

I wouldn't say that but I can already hear the regret in your post and your at the worst stage of PG right now. How will you feel once you had terminated and those hormones calm down - still the right decision?

You know how fast they grow, you'd be back to where you are right now before you know it and lets face it, you have 3, another 1 won't bring chaos, your there!

I think, in your situation, you should look at 22 months from now (9 month PG then 13 month old baby), how will you feel if your last, #4 is 13 months and you now have 4 DC's?

22 months ago you had a termination?

I wish you luck with either decision and hope you will be ok whatever you do.

I can't count. 20 months from now!

i havent read all the posts but thought id see if this helps. i am 15 weeks pregnant with my fourth. my other children are 6, 4 and 3. at the begining of last year i had a termination, the reasons i did was similar to yours. i am a full time student and struggle with keeping up with the work a lot of the time. at that time it was best for me. i am now pregnant again and although in the first weeks when my hormones were crazy and i was struggling to even get out of bed in the morning to get all the kids to school/childminder and then myself off to college. basically im saying im really happy to be carrying on with the pregnancy now and know i will find a way to make it work like i did the rest of the times. however, i also stand by my previous choice to have a termination as i was finding things quite difficult and although it was a very difficult decision to make and i just wanted someone to tell me what to do or tell me the future! i know it had to be my choice. just like this however hard it is, has to be your decision.

i know thats prob not much help to you but thought i would give you 2 percpetives that i have had over the last year. i was always told i had to be 100% sure what i wanted before making the decision but to be honest i never was until the decision was already made.

i can really sympathise with where your at right now and i hope you come to a decision your happy with.

Hi TimTam
so sorry for your predicament. Not sure I feel qualified to offer advice really but wanted to say that my sister became accidentally pregnant 3 months after having twins that were born 8 weeks early, one with health issues (that are now resolved). The first few months were incredibly stressful. She was in despair about how she would cope. She felt termination wasn't an option. & years later she has the most beautiful family, three girls that just love each other so much. My sister wouldn't wish it any other way. She did cope, it was hard but those early months in reality pass by so quickly.

There was a thread by cunchy3 about termination I followed last year, August time, if you search on the mumsnet 'Termination' you will see that, sorry, I'm not sure how to link it. It was another woman, not same situation exactly but very much in two minds about a termination.

All the best. X

Gosh, thank you all for your replies...it has been so reassuring to hear friendly voices! I haven't been able to tell anyone about the pregnancy and not having a soul to talk to about this is torture...

So, so sick this morning. I know it is clouding my judgement a great deal, and the exhaustion just makes me want to drop everything and scream.

I first enquired about a chemical (pill) termination when I was 4 weeks but was told unless they could "see" something that I would have to return at a later date - I have rescheduled twice since then, and now I'm really facing the possibility that at 8 weeks it's no longer an option for me. (I was going for that option precisely because I wanted to catch it before it became bloody visible, for crying out loud.)

Having done this three times before and been over the moon each time, it's bizarre to me to feel so negatively. It's as if with every new child I have lost a little more of the me that existed before motherhood, but with one or two children you can carry on pretty much as before. Once I had three, I found I had little time or energy for much else. Getting my body back to normal and reclaiming myself again is so much harder each time. And now, fourth time round I'm terrified that "my time" for anything meaningful career-wise will be completely lost - through total lack of time and energy, through the pressures of my particular career as well as financial constraints...

But on the flip side, I love and truly honour what motherhood has done for me as a person, too, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

So - I've booked a visit to my GP today with the hope I can arrange some kind of scan as soon as possible. At least then I'll know what the situation is - with this nausea being so much worse than the previous 3, I now have irrational twin fears at the back of my already stressed out mind.

Will keep you all up to date - and I really appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspectives...thank you.

Hi TimTam

so sorry you are feeling so sick. You put so eloquently thoughts that I'm certain so many others feel...how having children can be so wonderful but that you somehow lose yourself in the process...that complete selfishness that goes with being a mother.

I have 2 DC, I'm just over 7 weeks with my third, planned, but with a 10 year gap. For years we have procrastinated about whether to have another, our family never felt complete but circumstance never seemed right. 40 this year so decided it was now or never and we didn't want regrets. Pregnant first time of trying . Tbh, I'm bloody terrified about it, scared about the disruption, change to our lives...I could go on. My negative feelings have shocked me. I'm not thinking about a termination, personally for me I just couldn't, but what I'm trying to say is that for some, pregnancy doesn't start off being a joyous occasion, and maybe that's Ok?

Probably not much help but wanted you to know you are not alone. Whatever you decide, I hope you come out of this with peace in your mind & heart. Good luck at the GP. XXX

I have been in a very similar position.

I have experienced both termination and motherhood and I have decided to have another baby.

All I can tell you is that having an experienced psychologist is invaluable. They can talk through all issues and there might be a few even you are unaware of!

I think it is a very complex issue and there is no right or wrong. Trust your own instincts and get some professional help in order tomake the best decision for you.

Hello. I am in a similar position to you in that I am 14 weeks pregnant with my 4th, result of one night's shenanigans, child. I have a DD who is 7, one Ds who is 4 and another who is 2. I have to say the first couple of months were dreadful. I felt sick constantly, my dh absolutely did not want another, we have no space, no money etc. When I told my dad he looked horrified and said 'oh no'. My mil said dh 'will have to give up his job and go on the social!' Although I am taking that comment as tongue in cheek. However, now I am feeling physically better and have had my first scan I feel much more positive and that of course we can cope. Those early weeks are tough. Now I am through them I am desperate for the 20 week scan to be ok.
On the other side of the coin, I have had a termination in the past, for fetal abnormality, and it is a decision I do not regret and am at peace with. I think we have to do what is best for our own situation regardless of others' opinions.
Good Luck.

Thanks again everyone. I had the scan last week and the baby is fine, heartbeat kicking away happily and the size dating me earlier than I had thought - making me 8 weeks today. Sicker than ever at the moment and now just trying to reframe the whole experience in a way that makes me feel good about it. I haven't told any of my family yet because I know the chorus of disapproval will be loud and strong, and I need to be in a stronger, more positive place before I put myself into the defence....

Still so horribly sick and depressed, and still frequently consider booking in to have it all etch-a-sketched out of my life. But honestly, I now believe if I had really wanted to do it, that I would have gone to at least one of those appointments I cancelled. Deep down I look at my other three kids and think "Look what you are becoming! You are all so magical, and this new baby will be the same.."

I'm just not yet at a place where I can embrace my situation fully. And that's ok, I think. It's not what I'm used to, but perhaps I ned to allow myself a little space to get well first. Looking forward to getting past the nausea and exhaustion...and then using what energy I have to work out how the hell I am going to cope!!!

Hugs to you all for your input, suggestions and advice. I've appreciated your perspectives immensely and hopefully I can connect more with those of you who are on the same journey as me....

TimTam It is absolutely ok to allow yourself the space to feel what you feel.

This is not about anybody but you at the moment and the mixed feelings are an important part of the process! Perhaps for the time being it would be better for you if you do not have to deal with judgement from others and focus on yourself. That said, I'm sure a little rest would not go amiss to enable you to recharge your batteries a little. Is there anyone you trust to open up to who could perhaps help with Dcs so you can have a break? My heart goes out to you, I too have been in the emotional muddle of a surprise pg!

I'm 26 weeks with Dc4 and have never been so apprehensive in my life! Although I haven't had the guts to admit that to anyone in my life . You see having 3 dds is difficult at times as I work and DH is a lorry driver so away often. But my middle DD is disabled and requires a great deal of extra care both day & night. Also have a 13 year old and DD3 is 22 months. DH and I had just agreed on a vasectomy when my pg was discovered. Unplanned. I wobbled thanks to exhaustion, sickness, lack of sleep & work stress but made my decision when I had my first scan. I am no less worried about coping now but am slowly coming around to the fact that I WILL cope chielfy because I'm too stubborn not to!!

I dont mean to drivel on but my point is you must make the decision which is best for YOU and have faith in your ability to cope. Certainly to raise 3 DCs you are made of tough stuff but you are also entitled to be unsure until such time as you are ready to come to terms with things.

Good luck X

Decisions are hard I will say. I'm currently pregnant with #4. I have kids ages (going to be in couple months ) 6 and 4. As well as a 3 month old daughter. I'm about 9 weeks along. Every person is different my partner had explained it's my decision if I want to go through with having another right now. There is no other options for me. I honestly know it will be super rough juggling a 10 month old and a newborn. I had multiple people with my daughter try to pressure my into termination. I couldn't do it (finally was having my girl). And she is a great blessing. I wouldn't have met her if I terminated like everyone wanted me to. Now (at 3 months old) she is going to be a big sister. And as much as it will be difficult we as humans can always figure it out. I've been homeless the last yr and battling with housing, funds bcuz getting a hotel room once in awhile breaks a person, and my emotional wellbeing hasn't been great bcuz I feel like I'm failing at being a mom. But things are finally falling into place. I am getting into a apartment and my kids have what they need. Blessings come disguised sometimes, but God always has a plan.