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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling BioMum...

15 replies

stepjo · 29/01/2011 22:57

Wonder if any of you have been in this situation, from either side.
I'm stepmum to two brilliant kids who live with me and OH half the time. We've had loads of trouble with their BM but things have been calm for the last 8 months or so (ever since she had a baby with her current BF).
I'm 12 weeks pregnant now and starting to show. I want to start telling people, but feel I should tell BM first: this affects her and her children and I feel morally that she deserves to know. However, she didn't tell us at all that she was expecting- we found out at 24 weeks from SD (she was 3 at the time)so OH feels we shouldn't put her feelings first. Also, they are not divorced yet and her reactions are impossible to predict- I don't want her dragging feet because of this and I can't cope with the kind of stress she's put me under in the past.
Till we tell her we can't tell the skids. Advice please, from BMs and stepmums!?

OP posts:

Mummynumber2 · 29/01/2011 23:10

The way we did it was to tell dsc's mum on the same day we told dsd2 and dss (it's a long complecated situation but we had to tell dsd1 a while before as she lives with us and I was very ill).

I really wanted to tell my dsc's myself, so we told them while they were with us in the morning and then dp met his ex that evening and discussed it with her. This worked really well and I have to say she's been very positive about it. I think, despite the fact that your dp's ex didn't do the same in the reverse situation, your gut feeling is probably right. She's more likely to accept it if she's told upfrount. Good luck!

Mummynumber2 · 29/01/2011 23:15

Oh, I just wanted to point out, in a nice way, before you get flamed for it, that we tend to try not to say BM here. I know it's very common and not seen as a problems on other forums but people do get offended by it so we tend to say dp's ex or dsc's mum.

Original poster

stepjo · 29/01/2011 23:16

That's how I'd like to do it. I'd like to tell SD + SS on Saturday and ask OH to go over and see BM on the Sunday. I feel like I should be the one to tell her but that fills me with dread, but I do think it should be face to face with OH (he wants to text her!)

Thanks for reply and glad your dsc's mum is being ok with you. I don't know any 'real world' stepmums and my friends don't seem to see that this could be tricky

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Original poster

stepjo · 29/01/2011 23:18

Hmm, thanks mummy2. Ex then...

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WinterLover · 30/01/2011 08:08

Stepjo we're not telling the exW, well we don't plan too. DP may mention it when we drop DSD off at her grandparents (we very rarely see exW at pic up/drop offs).

She didn't tell DP she'd moved her BF in, she didn't tell him she was getting married, and she didn't tell him she was pregnant. The first DP knew was when she stopped contact because DSD only needed 1 dad, her step dad

I think you need to do what's best in your situation. For us WW3 will start which ever way we do it :(

Original poster

stepjo · 30/01/2011 14:13

WinterLover- I know what you mean, WW3 is likely to break out here too!
SD and SS are very likely to tell her so maybe I will just let them do it
Although ExW busted OH in Asda y'day looking at baby clothes....he bluffed some story about getting a baby gift for some friends who have just had their third :) but reckon she'll be checking out my belly at next PO

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WinterLover · 30/01/2011 14:53

Stepjo chances are they'll tell her at drop off so all your DP has to sat us, yeah we are :)

We tell DSD in 2 weeks, as she's coming on hol with us, so exW will be finding out in about 3 weeks.

I hope it goes ok for you :)

StiffyByng · 30/01/2011 21:38

How will your steps feel about telling their mum though? I do appreciate the situation you're in, believe me, but my husband's ex was so difficult that he made sure the kid were never bearers of news. Yours may worry about telling her or think it should be secret and get upset? I would tell her face to face, away from the kids. Good luck.

Smiler80 · 31/01/2011 10:50

Hi stepjo,

I'm pregnant with my first and have one DSD who we see very regularly. I obviously worried about telling DSD's mum, but our situation is a bit different I think because we are all very civilized and polite nowadays.

Anyway, we told DSD the day of the 12-week scan, and emailed her mum the same evening. We emailed her because (i) we didn't want her to find out via her daughter (seems a bit harsh) and (ii) this way she didn't have to react immediately and could mull it over first.

It all turned out well, with her reacting positively (or at least politely).

Overall, I think it is always best to do the polite / morally right thing, as at least then you give it a chance to work out well. Otherwise you may well end up in a vicious circle in which nothing ever improves. Sometimes it's hard, but when things get better it's really worth it.

Good luck (and congratulations of course!) - I hope things turn out well for you!

PipPipPip · 31/01/2011 13:21

I've never been in your situation, but I think you have the answer right here:

"I feel I should tell BM first: this affects her and her children and I feel morally that she deserves to know"

You don't need to hold back on the news just because she wasn't as upfront. Go with your instincts, I reckon.

Original poster

stepjo · 31/01/2011 16:33

Thanks all
I think I have made a decision (which I'd made anyway really, just wanted to have some advice from other mums)
I'm going to tell ExW myself, I just need to figure out how. We don't have face to face pick ups/drop offs except in school hols, so might be at half term. I think I'll tell the skids whilst they are with us and then tell their mum at drop off.
I don't think the kids would have any problem telling their mum our news for us! But I'd rather she gets the full story and feels able to ask any questions etc,
Then I can ask her to have the skids extra days just after baby arrives while I get on my feet!! (here's hoping)
Thanks all for advice and congrats. This worry hasn't stopped me being :O:O about becoming a mum

OP posts:

lucielooo · 31/01/2011 16:43

Hi Stepjo

We did the same, told DP's two boys first and then told their mum directly afterwards. We felt it was more important that they heard it from us than from her but also wanted to out of courtesy let her know as soon as possible.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Lulabel27 · 31/01/2011 17:14

We told dsd and DSS on the Saturday morning that we had them after 12 week scan and when their mum rang to speak to them as usual at lunch time DH answered the phone and told her. Didn't want to leave it to the children to tell them and didn't want her finding out from someone else - desipite yrs of unreasonableness and difficulty at the end of the day the only way I'd want to find out about an ex DH having a child would be from him.

He told her. She was surprisingly fine!

WinterLover · 06/02/2011 10:42

stepjo have you told them yet? If so how did it go?

I'm bricking for telling DSD next sat :(

ecuse · 07/02/2011 09:36

Stejo if not for you (since you think your skids won't mind) then for other in the same situation : I've never been on the 'grown up' side of it, but as a kid it used to totally stress me out when my parents made me the bearer of news about their respective remarriages/new children (or general conveyor of messages such as 'the maintenance cheque is late'). I would lie awake at night worrying about it and get myself in a right state wondering how the parent in question would react. Would have been SO much better if my parents had just told each other directly.

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