How to support friend struggling to conceive

[jeffily]

Looking for some honest MN advice please! I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our second child. A very good, old friend of mine is struggling to conceive their first. From conversations I have had with her, they have been trying for nearly 2 years. Last time we discussed it she was looking at having blood tests to check that she is ovulating, but that was nearly 8 months ago now. In the interim I have told her that I am preg, in September, after much soul searching by email as I felt that gave her space to be sad before having to respond. She was very sweet, and very brief in her response. Since then we have exchanged Christmas cards, but there has been no other communication at all. She moved away 3 years ago and since then we have seen each other probably 4 times a year, and exchanged regular emails and spoken on the phone about once a month, so this lack of communication is new. I know that it is because she is hurting and i totally understand, but I don't want to lose her, or for her to feel that I don't care about her or want to stay in touch. I just don't know what to do. Have been considering sending an email, just chatty with news (avoiding too much about my DD or this pregnancy) but that seems like I am ignoring the elephant in the room. Also don't want to send a heavy email all full of "I am here for you" when she just wants to get on with her life. What would you do? Any ideas really, very gratefully received!

Hi Jeffily I'm in the same position with a friend, so I'll be reading the responses with interest.

Has she ever tried natural family planning? I did that for 1 1/2 years and new my body inside and out!
You record every day of your cycle, you temp mucus, position of the cervix. Your temperature raises when you ovulate and your mucus changes when you start to ovulate, it's very different, they call it the sperm motorway to carry it up, and the position of the cervix changes and opens during ovulation. It could be that she's just so desperate, not relaxed and missing it every month, or, if she tried this, shell become in tune with her body and maybe know abit more about why she can't get pregnant. It's a very clever system and the natural family planning ladies are very knowledgeable in this field. Good luck, and all the best x x

I did struggle to conceive and had a lot of bad news along the way - went IVF route in the end, with success. During the ttc years I found it almost unbearable seeing pregnant friends or those with newborns. People were kind but didn't know what to say - just like you. The thing about infertility is that it feels very lonely. You feel no longer the same as your fertile friends, different from those that are already parents, you probably don't know anyone who is having the same problems and it may even separate you from your DP/DH.

I now find myself in the position that if I have a friend who is experiencing infertility I can speak from my own experience and be positive and encouraging about what they may need to go through. In this way I have encouraged one friend to go for egg donation - she now has twins - and another 2 that are about to have their first cycle of IVF. You seem like a lovely friend and I suggest you do contact your friend, face the elephant in the room and say you would like to be able to support her. I recommend that she looks at the Fertility Friends website. It's about making her feel that she can speak to people about it - and also giving her positive examples to give her hope. When you're on the "no child" side of the world when you desperately want one it feels like an impossible barrier to cross to have a family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I wish your friend the best of luck.

Oh - and if she hasn't already done so she needs to start banging on the door of the NHS to do as much investigation of her and her DP/DH as necessary. It all takes time and if she does need more serious interventions then she needs to crack on and not hold back.

First of all you are obviously an amazing and caring friend.

I can only tell you about my experience. When we were struggling to conceive I found it very hard to be around pregnant woman. I hated that I felt that way but you can't help the way you feel. I know that I kept several friends at arms length during their pregnancies (including my BF and SIL) but once their baby was born I was fine.

When I think back now I was lucky to have such patient and understanding friends. I feel quite ashamed about the way I acted but I suppose it was a sort of self-preservation.

I think you should give you friend a call and ask how things are going. My SIL sent me a letter which touched me greatly. Maybe a nice card telling her that you are there for her if she wants to talk? I'm sure she would appreciate it.

Hi there, I'm new to MN and this is the first post I've felt like I have something to contribute to!
It has taken me and DH over 4 years to conceive and were told that it was impossible by the doctors. But by some miracle I am now 19 weeks pregnant so I know what both sides of the fence feel like.
Jeffily your situation is difficult coz your friend hasn't really let you know how she'd like you to treat her. I made it clear to friends that they must tell me if they fell pregnant - I wanted to congratulate them. In a way it gives you hope that conception can happen, and people who the NHS says are infertile are the ones who think it the most amazing and special thing. The worst feeling is that people are treading on eggshells around you and I know I didn't want to be pitied.

Also big things to avoid - advice on how to get pregnant (sorry coppernoodle, your suggestions would have really upset me - not because they are wrong or ill-intended, just because when you can't fall the world seems to be full of people ready to tell you 'how to do it properly'). Believe me, she'll be trying everything! NEVER ever say 'just relax and it'll happen'.
I would get in touch with your friend with a newsy email and take it from there. She probably thinks you are too busy thinking about babies to get in touch (which clearly isn't the case). Send her baby dust for 2011.

Sorry, never thought of it like that! I never had a problem conceiving and would have no Idea what that may feel like, but it was just and idea of what your body is doing. Xxx

I've got to tell my friend who's struggling to conceive her 2nd that I'm pregnant. I was one of very few people who she confided in regarding the problems they're having. My pregnancy wasn't planned which I think makes it worse. I have no idea how to tell her :( any ideas?

I agree with the others about a note or card, just something to let her know your thinking about her

fifthpie is spot on about "just relax and let it happen" - i wanted to deck people who said that. Also "have a holiday, that'll help".

Been on both sides of this myself (3 years TTC for DD; 1 year TTC this time, now pg with DC2).

Agree with what others have said about a nicely-worded note, acknowledging her pain. I also didn't want to be around friends with children whilst I was struggling. This past year a lot of my friends have had babies and it has been really tough.

SMummyS - hi again. I've got a couple of friends who have also been TTC and once I've had 12-week scan next week, assuming all is well, I am planning to call them to let them know my news personally before making wider announcements, so that they can process it quietly. I plan on telling them I'm sorry it's not their turn this time and offering my continued support if they need to talk, then asking for updates on their situation.

Hi, my husband and I have suffered from both primary and secondary infertility, for two completely unrelated reasons, plus the loss of one baby at 14 weeks. Both times I have found close friends pregnancies very very painful and difficult, however sensitively, and insensitively people have told me ( one of my BF telling me the night before my grandmothers funeral) !! The only advise I can give is don't try and pretend you understand or give advise on how to try and conceive, unless you have faced the same problems. It is very isolating and heart breaking situation for your friend to be in, but you sound like a wonderful friend so please don't hate your friend for being distance, she is just doing what she can to try and minimise the hurt she is going through. I think the best thing you can do is drop her an email or a card would be nice, and let her know you are thinking of her and that you are there if she ever needs anyone to talk to. Then leave it at that, if your friend feels like she wants to talk then she will get in contact. You might find that once you have had the baby she will feel differently. With me it was always pregnant women I found much harder than new babies.

Thanks v much ladies. I have no idea how hard it must be to go through periods of infertility and your words about how isolating she must be finding it really rang true. I just want her to know that I am here for her if she wants me, and that I understand if she finds it too hard to be in close contact at the moment. I lost a baby at 22 weeks and remember that for about a year afterwards I had to keep pregnant women and those with children at a distance, so I do have an undertanding of why this is happening. I think I'll send her a card and leave it in her court, then maintain contact with birthday/christmas cards and the odd chatty email. I just really, really hope that something changes for her soon! Your positive stories have given me hope that at some point they will get pregnant. I'm sure she'd hate the idea of me discussing her though, so probably won't pass on any advice- even though it sounds like very sensible and good advice!

Thanks again all for sharing your experience and expertise!

I'd echo the good advice here, having been TTC for 2+ years and now 10 weeks pg with twins after IVF (touching lots of wood).

One thing I've tried to tell myself about friends is that if they're good friends they will always be there, even if I keep my distance for months or longer. Also they're not stupid - I'm sure they understand (or will understand) why I haven't felt up to hanging out with them/their children. I genuinely believe that I can get my friendships back. I just haven't wanted to talk to all of them about it.

Obviously it helps that I'm now pg. But I guess ultimately everyone gets to a point where they can make peace with their situation - whether because they do get pg or because they come to terms with not being able to etc - and so even if it takes a long time, friendships will come back.

Hope that makes sense.

One thing I would add is to ask her how she is doing or what stage she is at. Infertility takes over your life and you tend to think about it constantly, but lots of friends don't mention it because they don't know what to say or don't want to upset you. But its nice when someone remembers and asks as I never felt that comfortable bringing it up. Its not something that everyone wants to hear or think about so its hard to know how much to talk about it when you are going through it yourself.

LensPens - congrats and good luck with your pregnancy!

For us, there was only one thing worse than finding out someone was pregnant and that was not finding out. Or people making "that must be..." statements. Or assuming how I felt. The best, although still painful bearing in mind we were experiencing tough times, was not to patronise me and tell me info in same way as others. I felt that way after miscarriages, although kept them very private. you'll soon know if someone wants to talk about your pregnancy or not, after initial telling you can take their lead. But what worked for me might not work for all.

It's such a hard one to get right. It took us over four years and I definitely spent periods not wanting to be around pregnant women or babies, though I tried to hide it. It was also just a phase though, so she may feel better about seeing you soon.

Unlike ThisIsYourSong, I wouldn't have wanted people asking what stage I was at. I got annoyed when someone I had mentioned it to once brought it up again, as for me it was very private and I often found talking about it upsetting. I hated getting advice, 'Oh, have sex when I'm fertile? Gosh, what have we be thinking? I'll try that next month.'

Another thing I remember is def thinking it was my choice whether to talk about it or not-if I mentioned it I pretty much wanted to talk a bit, but otherwise it felt private like previous poster. And once I was pregnant I def wanted to be just like any other mum, which I was. Remember close friend saying, when I'd said I had resigned to be sahm, "well yes, with all that you've been through, that makes sense". Actually, it was what I'd always intended really. And when pregnant, colleague asked nitty gritty details of hormones, procedures etc. After three gentle "done treatment, want to move on" lines, I almost asked her the details of the conceptions of her children!!. Who knows if i'm like others but there you go.

Eeek - please dont give them advice on how to do it...could of disowned my very good friend for that! Once you start TTC or get problems you know this stuff as you spend your time researching it or sitting with legs up in the air!

I isolated myself from friends who have me that "how to make babies" talk or those that went the opposite direction and didnt give me space when needed. You need a happy balance and for me personally the friends who just dropped a note or mail to say they are there if needed - were the ones that helped. The best friends were the ones who allowed me to whinge, never laboured their own opinions and let me get things off my chest and either moaned with me or just listened. I actually turned to other friends who I knew had been thru the same problems as me - so she may be getting the support she needs without wanting to burden you. Only my thoughts as someone who had problems but I guess thats what you want to hear.

Agree that would always want to be told you were pregnant - finding out from someone else would have been heartbreaking. She'll appreciate all that you have done so far - even if you havent said it. Life can be cruel sometimes huh - and no one ever expects TTC to be hard :(

Luckily it does happen for some people - Im now 15 weeks 4 days preg but my close friend who got me thru my losses and years of TTC has secondary infertility. She came to me and said she still wants to talk to me about that stuff as I understand where her head is.

You are a good friend - point her to Mumsnet maybe - this site has really helped me (thanks ladies!) xx

this thread has been so helpful to me, thank you op. my sil had a mc before i fell pg with baby no. 2 and was completel distraught, as was my brother.

when i fell pg i called my brother first so e would know and be able to get his head around it before i told anyone else. i found it so sad though because my sil didnt even mention my pg until i was 6 months pregnant, no text to say congrats.. not anything. i dont know how they are dealing with anything, whether they are having problems or are even still trying.. but i found it incredibly hard to be with my whole family and noone mention my futue baby for 6 motnhs for fear of upsetting. it has caused a bit of a rift... i have been massivley sensitive and only mentioned very briefly before getting on with 'norm' conversation.. but i havent known how to feel or act.

the thread has been really useful in some ways, but it only really ays what not to do, what can you do to support and help?

i feel constantly guilty for being pg but then get sad that i havent been able to celebrate.. its bluddy hard to cross the line and be able to communicate.

xx

I can see everyone's side on here and that is what makes it such a difficult situation. Im also very intersted in this thread as I am trying to decide how to go about telling a friend - give her space before meeting up as a group or just do it with everyone so doesn't feel treated differently, been round in circles a bit. I can totally unederstand for some its just too difficult to be around a pregnant woman, particuarly when they have been been vlucky and it just happened without trying. Mandy i also see your point i think although people should be understanding of the person having difficulties it would be unfair for you to miss out on the joy and sharing of your wonderful experience.
If it is too painful to be around a pregnant friend I think to tell them that you just need a little space helps them to know how to deal with it and not feel like they have done something wrong. It is a good friend that stays around but perhaps giving them the indication that you want the friendship to continue after some space would help as to re-start communication must be difficult after a long time.
Good luck to anyone in the tricky position and lets hope the baby dust is out in force for everyone in 2011.

mandy I would say to continue to give your SIL some space to come to terms with things and they will come round in their own time.

A friend of mine had a stillbirth 2 months before my DD was born. I can't imagine anything worse. I sent her a card with my condolences but gave her space and knew she wouldn't want to be around me. A couple of years later, she'd had a healthy baby and we were able to get the kids together and resume the friendship.

witches I am definitely going to tell my friends who are ttc before I tell our group. Having had issues ttc myself, this is much easier, believe me.

(Congrats, BTW!)

sorry my pg mind is not helping me write what i mean too, when i say about it hard to communicate i didnt mean it as a whinge.. i just feel so sad that i want to give them a hug and be there for them, but i feel like i am the one they are avoidng..they talk to my mum, sis etc freely and i am gutted that we have lost closeness. its just horrid that i want to be there for them but i am the last person they want to be close to or talk to about it. if that makes sense???? wish i could support more....

i guess it will always cause a divide and it nust be such a painful thing to go through...

xxx

Mandy, I understand what you're saying - a close friend is TTC at the moment, and I'd love to be able to lend an ear, listen, be supportive etc - but it is hard when I'm sitting there like I've got a basketball down my jumper.

We had problems conceiving. I only confided in one friend, although she may have told others in confidence. For what it is worth, I would have hated it if friends had felt they had to protect me from their own pregnancies and babies. A couple of friends did get pregnant during this time and I was delighted for them and honestly don't think my own problems made any difference to how I felt about their news (or babies when they arrived). To me they are unrelated and I find it very easy to compartmentalise. And I hate people feeling sorry for me.

This is more to those of you who have friends in this position and don't know how they will react - don't assume it will upset them and trying to protect them may make them feel worse and more isolated.

OP is obviously in a different position as it seems her friend does find it difficult. As ever, people react differently and you just have to take your cues.