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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

i dont want my OH at the birth..

18 replies

Chloejp91 · 20/01/2011 18:19

I have no idea if this is the right place to post but here goes..

I'm due in 5 days by the way..

Lately I've been dreading my due date approaching (mad isn't it) because I'm conscious of the fact that I do not want my partner to be at the birth of our son.

My mum is going to be there (and so is he) but I don't think ill be comfortable at all with his presence; this is because throughout this pregnancy all he's done is worry worry worry! I know its normal but I don't want him around if he's going to make me more nervous than I already am.

I don't know how to tell him cause I feel bad. I mean I've always said 'being at the birth is a privilege not a right' and others scoff at that but it's my opinion.

No idea what to do. Okay moan over!

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Leilababyno1 · 20/01/2011 18:29

Hummnn I understand your feelings and I do sympathise.. but would it be fair to deny the father of your child from being present at the birth? He is the daddy after all- an equal partner, and hopefully will be a brilliant parent to your child. Would it not hurt him, to deny him this? I can only speak from my own experience, and If I denied my DH from being present at the birth, he would be horrified

If you don't mind me asking, are you quite a young mummy to be?

Best wishes

rinabean · 20/01/2011 18:42

You won't be able to progress properly if you're nervous. You must speak about this with him. You don't know that the baby will stick to schedule and give you 5 more days to think about this! If he will try to act less nervous then would you be happier to have him there?

alarkaspree · 20/01/2011 18:50

I understand your concern but it will really hurt him if you tell him he can't be there, and I don't think you have a good enough reason to do that. You should talk to him though and explain that you will need him to be calm and supportive and strong for you, and that if he's fretting about something it will have an effect on you.

But I imagine when the time comes he will surprise you. Most men are very nervous about attending the birth of their children (my dh definitely was) and they usually end up making fine birth partners.

nightshade · 20/01/2011 18:53

had hubby in up until the messy pushing bit, whereupon he left. both of us happy with this.

tell him you are not comfortable with it, after all men present during the birth is still a relatively new phenomenon.

Original poster

Chloejp91 · 20/01/2011 19:06

I feel bad for feeling like this because I know it's unfair but I really feel uncomfortable will the thought of him being there. He's extremely nervous about the birth and it's making me dread my due date approaching.

I'm 19; I'd much prefer it if it was just my mother in with me.

I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings which I know it will, I think I'll just tell him how I hope the labour and delivery will go and what I hope(expect) of him. I just want support that's all.. He's already discussing getting an epidural as soon as possible "cause its going to be so painful and I don't want to see you in pain" yet I want to go as natural as possible.

OP posts:

Leilababyno1 · 20/01/2011 19:14

Hi Chloe,

Given the circumstances and your age, I can totally appreciate that you would prefer to labour with your mum.

I think you should just explain your worries to your partner, and that once you're in full established labour you might want him to wait in the hospital or nearby, so he can be called as soon as your baby has arrived. If he is also young, he is probably very scared and apprehensive about being present at the birth- so you may find he is more willing you accept being near-by rather than in the room with you and is slightly relieved!

Have a heart to heart with him and see how he feels. Ultimately, I am sure he will understand and support you decision- whatever you choose.

warthog · 20/01/2011 19:19

i think you shouldn't have him there. i think your birth is more important than his feelings.

i'd tell him that his worrying makes you nervous and you can't deal with it. you'd like him nearby so he can be there the second the baby comes out.

jasmine51 · 20/01/2011 19:25

Hi Chloe
I know exactly how you feel. When I picture my labour I see myself concentrating on my self hypnosis, hearing the calming music on my ipod and isolating myself from chaos and panic. My OH is a healthcare practicioner, very medical, very practical and very uptight. He wants to see my birthplan - not so he knows what I want but so he can 'correct' it if I havent asked for the right drugs. He keeps telling me about the risks of this and that and bascially will be an absolute nightmare to have in what I am deperately trying to make a calm environment.
I have told him in no uncertain terms what I am expecting from him and have left it at that. If he doesnt play ball at the delivery then I will be calmly telling him to leave and asking my friend who will also be there to take him aside and be assertive with him outside. If he cannot be who I need him to be just this once then I have no problems asking him to wait outside. Its not going to be easy and its not ideal but this is going to be a hard time and it has to go as I want it to.

My advice would be to make sure your mum knows what you want from him and ask her to manage him, taking him away if he is being a distraction

Echoing some of the others though I think he might surprise you when the time comes and be a totally supportive mush! i do hope so
Take care
xx

BelieveInLife · 20/01/2011 19:36

You should at least give him a chance to be there, he might surprise you. My DH is a terrible worrier, very anxious, faints at the sight of blood but he really pulled it out of the bag when I gave birth and was amazing.

1Catherine1 · 20/01/2011 19:36

You have left this conversation with him rather late tbh. I was 16 weeks when I sat down with OH and asked him if he was able to support me as a birth partner or not. I made it clear it was his choice but if he choose to be my birth partner then I would expect him to be there to support me not stress me out. We had a proper chat and he said he was sure he'd be ok really he just hates the thought of me being in pain. We ended the conversation by giving him a deadline to decide by, the deadline is 36 weeks, so he still have another 4 weeks to decide even after having 16 weeks already.

I know he has decided already to be there as he can't bare the thought of missing the birth of his daughter so he'll man up, deal with it and support me. We're doing the NCT antenatal classes together and if they don't ease his worries or they make him worse then I still have time to ask my mum.

I would like to say though that it isn't a selfish request for him not to be there if you are worrying about him coping and making you worse. You are thinking of both of you so you really shouldn't be worried about offending him or have a problem bringing up the subject.

Leilababyno1 · 20/01/2011 19:47

If I had had a baby at 19, I'm sure I would have only wanted my mum present. Don't worry, you bf will understand.

I hope you're not waiting too long to meet your baby!!- good luck hun!

TheEvilDead2 · 20/01/2011 20:40

The child is both of yours euqally. But the birth is YOURS alone.

If you think you will better and it will go more smoothly don't let him be in the room.

StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 20/01/2011 20:54

My DH won't be in the room when I'm labouring, or at least we're not planning on him being there.
He is very similar to what you described your OH to be - and I really felt like he slowed my labour with DS because I spent more time worrying about him than being able to just concentrate on myself.
This time we've decided that he can pop in and out if he likes, but I've reserved the right to have him thrown out if he starts distracting me again :o

We did discuss this at length though, and both decided that it would be the best thing for both of us, and you should probably discuss it with your OH.
My DH will be called in for the actual birth. We are booked for a homebirth, though, so things are a little more flexible regarding popping in and out.

Spanky100 · 20/01/2011 21:17

I didn't have my dh there.

I didn't have anyone in there with me because i felt it was a private thing and i wanted it to be just me and the midwife.

Lots of people thought it odd but i wouldn't have had it any other way.
x

alarkaspree · 20/01/2011 21:18

After reading what you said about the epidural I've changed my mind. To be a good birth partner he needs to realise that his role is to support you in your decisions, not to make it all about him. If he can't realise that and insists in making it all about him, he'll have to wait outside.

Original poster

Chloejp91 · 20/01/2011 22:27

Thanks for the replies. I'll talk to him tomorrow about it because he's out late working on his dissertation so now is not the best of times as he's stressed with research.

He's 23; I hope he understands. He is an understanding man so I hope he doesn't take offence to it. I'll definitely tell my mum so if he is in there with me then she can step in if needed.

Oh I think he's watched too many films and thinks its going to be fire and brimstone so he keeps fussing and worrying which isn't helping me.

I have left it too late true, but I thought that the feelings would go away the closer it became but I guess not.

Thanks for the advice though! Really appreciate it, made me feel tons better :)

OP posts:

jasmine51 · 21/01/2011 08:55

Good luck Chloe, let us know how it goes
xx

laylasmummy09 · 21/01/2011 09:49

it might be a good idea to just lay some ground rules, ask if he wants to be there and if he says theres no way hed miss it just say fair enough this is what i want from you and if you cant do as ive asked you will have to leaave, that way you wont offend him by saying he cant be there and he will be less nervous because he will know what is expected of him HTH, let us know how you get on.

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