married, 2 kids, job, house-and scared 2 tell my mum about baby #3..

[jimmijam]

hello!
im 24, married with a 4 1/2 year old dd, 3yr old ds, been in the same job since my a-levels at 16, mortgage etc....yet still scared 2 tell my mum i'm pregnant (and it was planned) :-(
2nd time around when we told her she came out with 'ru sure, this will b hard work, is it really what u want' etc, and in a not very nice way, hence i was 2 upset 2 speak 2 her 4 about a week. she loves the both 2 bits now tho.
also our situation has changed, we all moved area together (me, kids, hubby and my mum) and got a house 2gether. we have seperate living areas but obviously sound does travel, making me even more worried about her reaction, so i have no idea how 2 tell her. we've got an early scan next mon, was going 2 tell her after that, but just found out she's off work all next week, was hoping 2 pick a time where we wouldnt have 2 c each other 4 a couple of days so the news could sink in a bit 4 her

has anyone else been this scared 2 tell a parent?
any ideas how 2 say it or when? perhaps if my bother is there when we break teh news she may not b quite so harsh?

If you dont rely on her support (financially, emotionally etc) I dont understand the problem.

She has every right to be concerned but none to make you feel uncomfortable about a choice you and your dh have freely made. You could try approaching it by behaving as though you assume that she'll be as happy as you are (especially having been proved wrong last time)?

Tebbles - she says they live together in the same house!

I was the same about telling my mum about dc3, I avoided it until I was 11 weeks and was rushed into hospital, in the end she was so concerned about me that she took it in her stride.
If I'd have told her otherwise I know there would have been more than a few comments. She just doesn't seem while people 'rock the boat' of stable home life, finances etc

thankyou for your replies
tebbles- the problem is that she's still my mum, i dont want 2 let her down, or argue with her or anything like that.
mshighwater- sounds like a good approach but not sure i'll manage it!thanks tho, i may try it :-)
nosleeptonight- hope everythings ok with u and babs now!! it feels a little comforting 2 know im not the only 1 2 expect a few not so nice words being said.
i dont know if its because of my age or... well im not really sure y she was originally so against dc2 at 1st.
she wasnt married when she had me, my bro has a different dad and shes been single for years (not that theres anything at all wrong with that, its just what life throws at you), i'll have 3 kids with the same dad, who know their dad (i dont know myn), in a loving stable home etc. if i knew y she wasnt happy last time around i might understand more, but theres no way im going 2 ask her and not sure i'll ever work it out 4 myself.
just going 2 have 2 come out with it-and perhaps i'll plan 2 go 4 a walk afterwards.

Not just you. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with no.4 and daren't tell my mother.

First time I got an "oh what do you want to do that for" lecture and she went off in a huff (I was 28, living with partner, good job, own house etc). 2nd time it was "again...why do you want another"?

In between 2 and 3 if anyone asked if I was having any more she would butt in and say "Oh no,2 is MORE than enough"

So, when I announced no.3 I a got another "what do you want to do that for" and "Don't expect me to look after it" and another sulk.

Luckily my dad was thrilled for me each time so it made up for it.

Now, I am 40. Same house, same partner (no job anymore, I gave that up)and I have no idea how I'm going to tell her. Sadly my dad is no longer with us, so no back up there.

I was going to wait till I'd had an amnio and was sure all was well but it seems I won't be having one now (another story) so I suppose I should say something soon.

I know from reading the above she sounds awful, but really she isn't, she just seems to hate me having babies. She's great with the DC's.

do you think it would be better to live seperately, that way she may feel she has less right to comment on your life?
but maybe when you tell her make it clear you are really happy with the news to give her less space to moan or make negative comments, eg mum we have some brilliant news to tell you, we are having a nother baby isn't it great etc. dont give her too much chance to get in with the "ohh are you sure about that"
i was actually bit worried about telling mine too as previously she kept saying oh dont rush any more you cant fit them in your flat etc, but when i told she was happy.
if she starts talking down about it i think you should just firmly yet politely stop her just say "mum we are happy with it, so just be happy for us" and dont allow the discussion to continue?
sometimes its easy for them to continue trying to treat you like a child as they may consider that you're young but you need to just make it clear that you are an adult and make your own decisions on these kind of matters, between yourself and your dh and it doesnt take anyone else's input.
anyway good luck! hope your mum is not as bad as you expect

I know they live together.

Just because you live with your parent(s) as adults does not mean you rely on them financially and emotionally.

If you do rely on them (and it doesnt sound like the OP does), then I would undertand the hesitation.

But as the OP states she has husband, job, mortgage etc. She shouldnt have any concerns about whether her mother approves of her family size! If the mother does has a problem with it then the living situation may have to be changed....but that would be the mother's choice.

Not a parent but my Nana lol. This is baby number 6 and on number 5 her reaction was "Oh Tracy" but once she realised I was happy and it was planned she was fine. I think in her case, the ideal is 2 kids, a good job, nice house etc, and I don't take after my Aunt who has that ideal but after my mother who had a lot of us.

That said, I aren't telling her until after its safely here this time, as I don't speak to half my family, and if I told any of the family I do speak to, it would get back and she and my ex would do all they could to spoil things.

Its not an ideal situation but I must admit, in this one case, its a good enough excuse

Good luck with your announcement, she will probably grumble, but you are her daughter and most mothers won't jeopardise that and she will come round xx

Tebbles-both myself and dh have taken a pay cut recently,would really doubt we'd get another mortgage,also even with that couldnt afford anywhere in the area,prob not even a 2 bed flat-and ther'l b 5 of us!thats y we all brought a big house 2gether. Come on lotto numbers!haha! I love the way u worded that firawla, i may well steal those words from u 4 that conversation! Thanks! Thanku all! birth is a lOng way thru without telling relys,bt ur situation is different.hope no1 spots u and bump b4 hand! 16wks is a long way 2-did u say u have any plans 2 tell ppl? Im 6wks and already got a little,yet rapidly growing bump,i wouldnt manage 2 hide it 4 that long. X

dh told my mum when i was at work a few days ago-and i have seen her since- she actually seems a little excited! :-) BIG relief!
thanku 4 all ur advice!

That's great news :)

I haven't told my parents yet - only told my sis because she had a dream I was pg for the 3rd time and text me to ask if I was!

I didn't tell my parents until I was 15w with DS1 - I was terrified even though I was 29years old! With DS2 I wasn't bothered and told them at about 8weeks. I guess the problem is the 3rd - people assume you're only ever going to have 2 children?

ur right,hadnt thought of that. people do just assume u'll stick at 2, prob doesnt help.though up until recently we were often asked if we'd have another, though i think this is because theres only 17months between dd and ds.
how far gone r u? ru nervous or just want 2 keep it 2 urselves and close friends?

I'm 11weeks now. I've just told some friends and my neighbour. Will probably tell family after the 12w scan week after next - but might just chicken out and text my parents a scan photo!!

haha, i believe dh passed my mum scan pic and said 'here's something you might want 2 look at'
but i suppose it needs doing at somepoint, and the longer its left the harder people can take it, feeling like they've been left in the dark