Any tips on how to make my DP a little more, well, helpful really?

[TinyDiamond]

I'm 8 weeks pg and REALLY suffering with intermittent sickness, backache, overwhelming knackerdness, anxiety and just generally feeling very crap.

He just doesn't seem to care and keeps saying things like 'you aren't disabled, get a grip' and moaning at me when I haven't done the usual household tasks.

He is totally OCD aswell and likes the house a certain way, fair enough. But when the smell of every single thing (including his dirty washing-yuk!) has me with my head down the toilet am I right in thinking that he should just bloody well do it all himself?

Bit of background too, this is our first child. Very hoped for but a bit of a surprise as I have pcos and endo and was told that it may be very difficult to conceive. Have been 'trying' for 11 months before bfp...DPs reaction originally VERY bad with 'well, I never thought it would actually happen'.

He has since got a little better and not quite going out buying babygros yet but getting there.

In the meantime how can I get him to be nicer to ME and cut me some slack??

Make him read a good pregnancy book, especially re: sickness.

TBH he sounds like a bit of a tool though. Why on earth is the housework all your responsibility?

Oh how awful poor you tinydiamond. He sounds very selfish. I would definitely sit him down and explain what you are prepared to do and explain how you feel and tell him explicitly what he needs to do to help you. The first 3 months is the toughest in many ways and made worse by the fact you often don't look pregnant and so people treat you as if you aren't. Try to talk to him when you aren't feeling emotional so he understands you mean it and are not just throwing a wobble and if that fails just go on strike. If he has OCD he will have to do it himself anyway. How odd that he has OCD and yet expects you to do everything.

Good luck.

You've also got to wonder if this is how he is now, how will he be with a newborn? OCD (if it is that - sounds more like expectations) and dirty nappies don't mix!

By all means give him a chance to understand your pregnancy etc but you need to nip this in the bud now, and reach an agreement on how things are going to work. The baby is both of your responsibility, and that include before & after it is born!

The NHS 'birth to 5' book used to have a good section for partners of pg women.

And one of the very effective things our NCT ante-natal teacher did was to lay out in the room things which represented everything that a pg woman deals with. So, she put in a bag several litre bottles of water to represent amniotic fluid, two litres of oil for the extra fat you put on, a heavy doll - feotus, a bag of flour - size and weight of the placenta, etc, and then she got the men to carry it about. It was a revelation to some of them.

Is there a more experienced, more sensitive male family member who might explain it all to him, and how important it is to support you? Or his Mum?

Encourage him to go out and get really (really) drunk. Then, while he's spending quality time hugging the toilet bowl, explain that this is how you feel constantly.

And that unlike him, you can't take anything for it (stubborn old me might even stoop so low as to hide the paracetamol etc!). And it won't be better by tomorrow.

It's cruel, brutal, but it might help him sympathise.

Certainly when I described the feeling to DH as being like a whopping, sink-gripping hangover that wouldn't go away, he seemed to fully understand.

Maybe just sit him down and spell it out for him. He will have to start doing more around the house. Salt and nomoreheels advice is good.

Good luck! And I hope you do feel better soon.

Replace him with a pot plant so at least he clears the air!

Seriously, give him a practical steer 'I need you to do X, Y and Z this week'. Or he needs to hire you a cleaner. Preferably the latter, cleaners don't require chivvying.

I agree with nomoreheels you are going to need to enlist his help. I had a lot of success with my originally reluctant/clueless DH by making him feel included. This can only really start when the baby is born but it is really important that you give him some jobs trust him to do them, and dont criticise even if he puts the nappy on backwards, congratulate him and he will feel like helping out more often.

My DH is a great dad now, and is very proud of how much more involved he is than other dads - the only hard bit is buttoning my lip and not taking the credit when he boasts how great he is!

Obviously you have a long way to go until then, but 9 months is just about enough time to get used to the arrival of a baby! Try and be kind to each other and help each other through the changes, but dont expect him to understand everything you are going through. He wont, he is a man, and he is not carrying the baby inside of you like you are. Ignore any comments that are less than sympathetic and try to make specific, direct requests for the things that you need that will help you feel better. ("Can you do the washing for the next 4 weeks as my first trimester sickness has kicked in now and the smell makes it worse") Keep throwing in "sciency" words too, it might make him curious enough to pick up that baby book and will also appeal to his man brain.

Hopefully your DH's attitude will change when he sees your bump growing and as he starts to accept the changes that are taking place.

I know my DP was slightly shocked with how quickly pg symptoms came on - I remember him saying "but you were fine last week - how can you feel bad so quickly?!" sometimes the reality of pregnancy and living with a pg partner can be a bit of a shock I think! It definitely took him time to adjust to the new (constantly vomiting) me.
I made sure he knew what made me feel sick and I also told him what help I needed, and he was great - hope you get your DP sorted too!

Give him things to do that play to his strengths eg if he likes research, ask him to research different car seat types. If he is medically inclined, ask him to look up some of the drugs you have the option of taking in labour. If he's into design, ask him for ideas for the nursery. Ask him to help you understand some 'difficult' sections in your pg books!
If he's intimidated by how much he doesnt know, suggest you have a private antenatal class without the pressure of a group. (although a group can be good to help him see hes not the only guy who doesnt know everything)

Honestly, some dps are more work than the bub!

My DH is rubbish too. My way of dealing with it this time round has been to just not do the housework, he has been driven to do it. I've had to lower my standards (a bit, am no domestic goddess), but at least he is helping me. Most MNers would probably disagree but I just don't expect any sympathy etc from him, then I am never disappointed. However when the baby comes he is v good, which kind of makes up for it.

Thanks for all your advice.

I have tried the pg book thing...nope not interested, he keeps saying yeah yeah I'll read them. (never does).

TBH I was so shocked and disappointed at his reaction to the pg, I thought it was what we both wanted as we have talked at length about it for a LONG time.It was when I was diagnosed last March that we decided yes that was it we def were trying as we knew how long the process of any referrals to fertility could take... I couldn't have been more wrong.

He has got alot better than when I first told him, literally he almost left. He started to come round and I know he is still in shock probably but I can't help feeling that now is the time to stop being in shock and help me out!!!

We do share most of the household stuff usually and if it was up to me certain things would no way get done as often as they do but I keep on top of it well because I know it bugs him. There are much more things I'd rather do than cleaning the house I'm sure you'll agree.

Not sure if I can talk to any of his friends/family to get them on my side as he has already talked to them all in a negative way about the pg.

I'm so hurt, if this is how he felt why oh why would he be trying for a baby with me in the first place?? Neither of us thought it would happen without intervention but I really want to look at that as a positive thing rather than thinking that the world is going to end, as he is.

Rubbish

Well, he is being very hurtful, and it's sad that your early sickness isn't matched by a little excitement and love over the pregnancy. Your problem isn't really about practical support and consideration, is it?

I think lots of men have found it hard to come to terms with the beginning of pregnancy, and then become more and more excited as the baby becomes more of a reality. Your 12 week scan will be soonish - take him with you and maybe seeing it on the screen will make him think 'aaaa, my baby...'

But I don't know anything about this, and am making this up - someone who has been through it will have better advice.

That's what I'm hoping, about the 12 wk scan. Friends have said the same. You're right I just want to be happy about the pg, and I am over the moon infact, deep down just can't help feeling nervous about him and his attitude.

12 wk scan can't come fast enough. Have had 2 early scans already but he hasn't been to either of them. I wasn't too fussed (honestly) as they were so early nothing much was visible so didn't think it would particularly help him

I second Blu's suggestion, take him to the 12 week scan. My DH changed a lot after seeing it and it became more "real". I say "a lot" but it still wasnt enough for me. I was very hurt, much like you are, for most of the early pregnancy, because I couldnt understand how he didnt want to be involved and get excited about it and be sympathetic to all my bodily changes.

We did go to couples counselling and it helped enormously. One of the first things that was drummed home was that while I felt instantly bonded as soon as I got a BFP (and when the symptoms kick in, you cant ever take your mind of being pregnant) he was taking a long time to really accept that it was happening. Men can be so much more detached when they dont have morning sickness/constant peeing etc to remind them that a baby is on its way.

Give him some time, and in the meantime dont forget men are not your greatest support system when it comes to pregnacy, women are! Do you have any female friends and relatives that you can get some of the emotional support from that you need right now? Preferably ones who have been through it themselves?

My god that's horrible... You should be resting as it's usually the first trimester that gives people hell. But then again it's my first pregnancy too - 9 weeks and yes, I'm certainly suffering from one hell of a bunch of stuff.

I'm actually in a similar situation. I'd suggest talking gently with him and telling him that going near smells - especially strong ones such as cooked food, and dirty laundry - is making you feel horrible and thoroughly sick. He needs to understand you need your rest, and hopefully he'll come around eventually.

My DP and I were surprised by an unplanned (but wanted) pregnancy, and he's been negative ever since. Even telling family members and friends about it in a way where it's obvious he's not happy. It hurts and you aren't alone, I just hope things ease up for you, it's never easy having to cope with everything plus someone else's negativity on something this important to you. They need to deal with the news in their own time but hell you are right - they need to help you and you're going to need their support more than ever right now.

I wish you the very best. :)

Oh you poor thing. I have also had major problems with endo, a miscarriage and several surgeries and didn't think I'd be able to conceive. I was literally shaking when I told DP that I was pregnant completely unexpectedly, but luckily he was over the moon (although he does every now and again - jokingly I hope - accuse me of 'trapping' him!)

I'm 12 weeks now and have been feeling rotten for the last 6 or 7 weeks. I've definitely been relying on DP to do more than his fair share of household chores. He's been brilliant (sorry, not rubbing it in!!), but every now and again I hear muttering coming from the kitchen and know he's not exactly happy about it. We have a deal where I will be 100% honest - if I can deal with cooking or washing up then I will do it, but if I just need a lie down then off I toddle and he'll sort everything else. I've promised I won't take the mickey and expect him to do everything, but he knows he needs to step up to the mark, especially during this knackering first trimester. I'm sure you've tried it, but is there any chance that if you could just explain very bluntly how you're feeling he might get it?

I've also recently realised that DP is absolutely terrified (excited, but terrified) about the prospect of being a dad. Because we didn't expect this to happen he didn't have a chance to prepare. Is it possible that your DP is just a big mess of emotions and not too sure how to deal with them?

I'd second the idea of him looking at a book (or a website, or a phone app if he's more technically minded?) Lots of those include 'information for dad' which emphasise how tired and pathetic we are!

Final idea, do you have any male friends who could talk about what they did for their partners when they were pregnant? Peer pressure may do the trick?

I hope you get it sorted. And, of course, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Thanks again all for your helpful and understanding advice. I know that I probably need to just give him even more time to get used to the idea. Isn't it frustrating that blokes can't just get on with life like we can. I am fiercely organised and would've been looking at buggies and measuring up the spare room at 5 weeks if friends hadn't gently told me to chill out a bit.

I am now really trying to put all the hurtful things he's said behind me, esp things said in the first week as I know he was in shock (doesn't excuse it but you know, gotta try). I have my booking in appt on Fri morning when I will be 9 weeks so will just try and get through the week without vomming too much. Fingers crossed not in public pleeeeaaaasssseee, been ok so far but I am a teacher so am dreading it happening in a class-eeeek.

On a lighter note for those of you who fancy a giggle at my expense...
I have been having ridiculously vivid dreams and also not sleeping well. Figures.

On Sat night I had a hilarious dream that a colleague had a bbq garden party thing and we were all in his garden. Everyone was drinking (including me) and I was dancing on said colleagues brand new garden table that was some sort of modern affair made of Lime green plastic and stainless steel(?)

My dancemoves got ferocious and I broke the table it came crashing down. Terrible situation you see.

I woke up, I felt so, so awful for what I'd done I texted immediately saying 'Greg, I'm so, so sorry about your table-please forgive me' (This is now real life. 3am.)

Received a text back swiftly from drunk Greg out in town saying wtf are you on about have you done something to my desk?

At this point I realise it was a dream. Damn.

I was so UTTERLY CONVINCED that it had happened. Why I would be outside, pissed, at a bbq in January is beyond me anyway.

Replied with an 'oops sorry wrong Greg' excuse, hope I got away with it.

Pregnancy brain is doing everything possible to out me

I really feel for you, your DP is being a bit of an ar$e TBH. I managed to negotiate a cleaner pretty early on - I simply couldn't cope with doing all of the housework along with full time work. DH works v.long hours and so I did have the lion's share.

I am now 25 weeks and it's only been the last 8 weeks that he's got all excited. It goes back to someone's point about it being 'real' fr them - they cannot feel thing, you look the same (ignoring dark circles under eyes and spots!) and until you see a scan pic, it's just so removed.

We signed up to Babycentre emails - give you an update on baby's progress, which helps bring it to life for both of us. And share in the excitement. ANd i second comments about scans - drag him along next time!

Long term I am sure he'll perk up as it starts to become more real. And you mustn't let him bring you down - this is a phenomenal time!! In the short term, just do what you can and don't push yourself - it's really important that you look after yourself.

Good luck! xx

I sympathise with you TinyDiamond your OH sounds like mine! And we are now on number 2, a baby he wants even less than the first one (who he now adores, and daddy is my son's favourite person, apart from me lol).

I don't really have any tips as the only way I have ever really got him to help is by yelling things in an argument, e.g. 'do you realise I was throwing up for the whole of December?' (this was on Sunday when we had an argument because I hadn't folded a table runner neatly enough. Yes really.)

The benefit of such OHs is that you get a very clear division of labour when the baby's born (you do everything to do with the baby, he does everything else). I also find that most of the decisions are ultimately my call; although he'll listen and advise, he sees it as 'my department' and I've been able to do things my way that wome OHs would probably not be happy to accept (e.g. BFing to 20 months, co-sleeping, BLW, sling for baby, no sleep training crap). He has stepped in and been very useful with things like bedtime and bathtime though. And any car or garden related equipment/toys, and storage!

He was also utterly fantastic during labour (unplanned home delivery where he ended up being 2nd midwife until 10 mins before the end)

I'm not saying you should just put up with it, more that I personally spent too much time during my first pg trying to change him into some vision I had of a perfect father, whereas now I am more aware of how he is and what he can cope with.

You are not alone :)

PMSL at texting Greg at 3am!