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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

dh doesnt find pregnant body attractive

24 replies

yummytummy · 03/01/2011 19:34

well, thats just it basically. had noticed that in the last few weeks dh not getting as um into it as normal when we were being intimate. i didnt think much of it till it happened few times. then i asked later and he said that he just doesnt get turned on by my pregnant body i guess he means with the bump.

now i found this quite upsetting as obviously you feel conscious yourself when body starts to change but this just made me feel so much worse. am never very body confident at the best of times.

he did try to say that he was happy about baby etc and it was just this part he had trouble with but he couldnt help it and he just couldnt turn it on and off like a switch apparantly. also that he thinks its a temporary thing and will get back to normal once baby comes.

i guess i was just wondering if this is common and how do you deal with it without feeling like a really repellent lump??

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fayc84 · 03/01/2011 19:40

No advice I'm afraid but I think it might not be uncommon. My hubby says he loves my pregnant body but he's had er... stage fright at the thought of hurting the baby since my bump started showing. He knows it is perfectly safe but the crucial part if him can't get over this and perform. Sure it will be back to normal when baby is born - in another 20 weeks!

Casseopeia · 03/01/2011 19:42

Enjoy the peace!

Seriously though, that's quite harsh to hear. It says more about him than you!

It's difficult enough to endure all the physical changes of pregnancy - let alone being rejected physically.

If I were you, I would be telling him he had really hurt my feelings & that he needed to make more effort to make me feel appreciated and loved, no matter what state my body was in. And I'd pinch any excess fat on his body very hard.

spidookly · 03/01/2011 19:46

Surely it's you he finds attractive, not just a body?

I think this is a very weird, hurtful thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Original poster

yummytummy · 03/01/2011 19:47

hi, thats just it though casseopeia, he doesnt actually have any excess fat! just naturally very skinny and tall which is why he has never really understood what a struggle it is for some people to lose weight!!

OP posts:

SarahScotChristmasSpirit · 03/01/2011 19:47

What a dick, he could've at least lied to you and said he was freaked out by the thought of hurting the baby. Poor you.

I have the opposite problem, DH still wants sex and I, frankly, can't be arsed!

autumnberry · 03/01/2011 19:49

Yes, it is you he finds attractive. My OH made this point when we were talking earlier on in the pregnancy (12ish weeks). It helped both of us.

Butterbur · 03/01/2011 19:50

He may feel back to normal once the baby is here, but the chances are you won't - not for some time anyway. If he doesn't want to be in for a long dry spell, he needs to make you feel loved, special and attractive now.

midori1999 · 03/01/2011 19:51

I wonder if it is more about worrying about hurting the baby/being freaked out by the baby being there and him just seeing that as finding you unattractive? People aren't always very good at explaining themselves.

berrycravings · 03/01/2011 19:54

I think this is a really difficult one for men. My DH does not want to have sex because of the baby being there throughout and I completly understand. (not sure how I would feel if he told me it was because I was now unattractive)

We are cuddle lots and he's so sweet to me, I'm happy waiting till the baby arrives till we are intimate again. I think this is very common so you are not alone!

del1 · 03/01/2011 19:56

You need to talk more, and hope that this will reasure you that he does still find you attractive pregnant.As Butterbur said, tell him you need to feel loved etc!!
My fella didnt want sex with me when I was pregnant and I found him watching porn. I have never forgave him for making me feel unattractive whilst carrying his baby.We didnt talk about it, untill about 4 months after the baby was born, and he explained that he still found me attractive. It was the fact I had another human being unside that freaked him out, thats why he didnt want sex!? I wish we would have talked sooner, as I felt really low for ages!

TheBigZing · 03/01/2011 19:57

Hmm. Are you sure it's not just because he's too aware of the presence of his unborn child?

My dh loved how I looked but didn't have sex with me from around 5 months. Was too conscious of how close baby was to the 'action' iyswim! He did keep telling me how fabulous I looked however, which helped obviously.

This did put a massive pause in our sex life however, because dd was 9 months old before I felt physically ready for sex again. So a break of more than a year. Maybe you should make your dh aware of this possibility.

But he really could be more sensitive of your feelings too and tell you every day how fabulous you look.

Grumpla · 03/01/2011 20:01

Tell him that since becoming pregnant you're no longer quite so turned on by skinny men with inadequate penises, but that you're sure it's just a temporary hormonal thing and you're prepared to make an effort because you love him.

sum04 · 03/01/2011 20:06

That sounds just like my partner.
Constantly calling me fatty and im only a size 8, but got abit of a bump now and have been stuffing myself with chocolate, but i think the name calling is only to make himself feel better lol. Men can be such asshole's, but i'd love for them to put themselves in our shoes for once, cause i really doubt any of them would be able to cope with pregnancy and god forbid they had to push a baby out!!! :)

spidookly · 03/01/2011 20:09

Too aware of another human being inside?

What a load of utter bollocks.

That's worse than just not being sexy - "when you are pregant all I see is a walking incubator, and I don't want to stick my penis is that"

spidookly · 03/01/2011 20:13

Sometimes I think mn is just a misandrist conspiracy

tebbles · 03/01/2011 20:14

That is one question I would never ask!!!

I wouldnt want to know the answer tbh.

I dont think any answer would be 'correct' for me.

If he said he didnt find me attractive I'd be crushed.

If he said he did find me attractive Id be doubting his sincerity/thinking he's blind/thinking that's a pity as I'll only be looking like this for a few short months!!

Dont worry about it too much, tell him you are hurt but dont fish for more info.

Hopefully others are giving you lots of compliments and he is showing his love for you in lots of other ways.

JuneBugJr · 03/01/2011 20:35

We had this problem too when I was pregnant with DD. I personally didnt like having sex as I was too aware of the baby, and as someone else put it being too close to the action, it felt wrong in some way. DP felt the same, and was put off. I cant say I was offended, as I understood how he felt.

Normal antics resumed 6 weeks after baby was born. Now Im pregnant with DC2, and its been better this time around.

Hopefully he can show his love in different ways, if he feels weirded out showing it physically. Dont worry, its not uncommon.

mamacorner · 03/01/2011 21:27

I think it's quite normal for some.

My DH is less keen since I've been 26 weeks or so,I have a lovely large bump..now 35 weeks. He says he thinks I'm beautiful pregnant but finds it difficult to find (my body) sexy!

That's fine with me, we're a close and affectionate couple and he shows me in lots of other ways how much he loves me and the coming baby.( To be honest, I've been too knackered most of the time anyway, and find sex starts of BH BIG style, kind of takes the edge off!!)

This is 3rd DC and things always get back to normal pretty swiftly afterwards.

YellowCecil · 03/01/2011 21:51

I think this is pretty normal too, and it isn't fair to get too cross with him for being honest about it.

DH and I are lucky that we can talk fairly openly without taking things the wrong way, but it was still upsetting when he admitted that he finds the bump offputting. I don't think its the proximity of the baby that puts him off, just that my body is a properly weird and not very sexy shape! I didn't like hearing it but to be fair I'd probably feel the same way if he'd suddenly grown a massive belly!

Anyway, to make long story short we get around the problem by choosing positions where he isn't looking at it! This is also helped by the fact that he seems to enjoy my new larger bottom rather a lot (Welsh dh must be part black man!)

Original poster

yummytummy · 03/01/2011 22:20

thanks for the replies. really helps to know that its quite common for men to get freaked out. they are such delicate creatures arent they! so true that no man would ever be able to deal with pg, giving birth etc. i guess i just felt really shocked as last time i was pg this wasnt an issue at all.

any other advice gladly welcomed!

OP posts:

witches · 03/01/2011 22:56

Grumpla tht is the best piece of advice i have eva read throughout mumsnet!

Pinetreeland · 04/01/2011 10:54

Yeah DH is quite freak out with the thought of the fact that there's a baby at the other end of the tunnel even he knows it won't hurt the baby.

MollysChambers · 04/01/2011 11:04

My dh doesn't particularly fancy me past 20ish weeks. I do put on stones of weight though.

Normal service was resumed after the dc's were born.

Don't be too cross with him. There may well be times that you don't feel like it. You would want him to be understanding of that surely?

del1 · 04/01/2011 19:18

In addition to my older post, I just rememberd this.
When I was about 8 months pregnant and massive with my first, I was out with my partner (who didnt find me attractive by this point).
A very sexy man walked over to us and said to my fella - 'DONT YOU JUST FIND PREGNANT WOMEN SO ATTRACTIVE'. He then walked back to where he was first stood.
It made me grin from ear to ear, and my fella was left gob smacked!

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