abortion advice desperately needed

[binkymum1]

Please can you help me...

I have two daughters and have found out that I am pregnant again! I did want a third child but I feel that I am not sure now!

I hate the thought of an abortion and I even cry when looking up information on the internet, however I am not sure I we can cope with 3! I have a very needy 2.5 year old and she is very mummy orientated. I worry that if we go ahead their whole quality of life will be badly affected.. Space at home and their father's working hours are an issue. I am 39 so I am aware this may be my last option for any pregnancy.

However, I just feel that something is amiss...I worry that something may happen to me whilst I have any 3rd child and then my two daughters will have no mummy (hormones probably!!)

I worry that if I had an abortion I would spend the rest of my life feeling guilty!! I cant beleive I am even contemplating it...Do you get over it?? I just don't know what is best.....x

I agree with JuneBugJr in that doubt is your main enemy.

I also agree with DifferentNameForThis that an abortion does not definitely haunt you for the rest of your life.

That was an evil thing to say. Do not take any notice of poeple who try to sway you the other way, because they are not helping. And yes, some people do regret having babies and what mothers are they?

Anyway, I felt similar to DNFT when I was pregnant now 10 years ago. Not because of medical reasons, but just because I was 19, had no job, was in a new relationship etc. It was indeed the darkest cloud above my head (thanks for that expression). It all cleared up once I had that abortion, literally the second I came out of that room. I have, genuinely, never felt so relieved as then! Truly, it was like the sky instantly became bright blue again.

But, doubt is not a good thing to have in this case. Abortion can haunt you if you later feel that 'it wouldn't have been so bad after all'. I can imagine that you are a little scared, as some people have sited here, but that, in the end, you are not really decided on the no baby front. It depends what your greatest priorities are. Are they practical, then it's clear. Are they more emotional and practical issues are just a side-show, then it is not so clear.

And anyway, 2,5 and three years, there is a great difference. Besides, your daughter has to learn that she is not the only one requiring mummy's attention. Better late than never.

Binky, I came on MN to look for advice. I have 2 DS and have always wanted a 3rd child. But recently DH & I have hot a rough patch and are starting counselling in the new year. We agreed that now is not the right time to TTC.
We have been very careful, but obviously not enough as I found out on Mon that I was 5 weeks pregnant.
DH is 'stunned', I am panicking, we do not know what to do.
Termination is not something either of us want to do....but our relationship is not in a great place at the moment. we are planning to have a week to think things through before making a decision.
It is so difficult - I want a 3rd DC, but I want my marriage to surviv too.
I really understand what you are going through.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You have had lots of lovely advice and support from the Mumsnet members...but all I would say is, speaking from someone that has unfortunately had an abortion when I got caught at 18 from being very immature and stupid...long story short I am now 25 and there isnt a day that goes by when I dont think 'what if' - I am very regretful and feel very guilty to this day - so much so that when I've recently become pregnant again (this time planned with my wonderful fiance) I wondered if I actually deserved it.
I know this is a silly thought but all I'm saying is that if you think that it's the right thing for you to do then you must be 100% sure!
Its not a decision you can make lightly as you already know...
Overall stay strong theres always a reason for everyting and who knows this new baby may even make your 2.5 year old more independant and feel she has something to look after and love, it may be just what you all need?
Good luck - I'm sorry your going through these difficult thoughts

I just want to say thank you again for all the thoughtful and helpful advice I have received. I only joined Mumsnet yesterday as I have been feeling so low and I just wondered if there was anyone who could give me somewhere to start the thought process.

I am still unsure but feel a little happier...It's my birthday today and I just spent all yesterday in tears feeling so useless! I know I need to make some big decisions and I am trying really hard to listen to what both my head and my heart tell me. There is no wrong answer, I know that..

Just to say to Wrigglytummy, I really hope things are ok for you whatever you decide too!

Thanks again

x

Hi Blinky First of all...Many Happy Returns, I do hope you had lots of cake xxx

I know plenty of Mums and Dads, whom have found themselves pregnant again with several children already and made the tough decision to not have the baby.

You have to make a choice, and that choice is the one that is best for you and your family set up now..!

I've had an abortion and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew right away that I didn't want the child. I didn't even question what I needed to do. Yes I was upset about having an abortion, but it was the right thing for me to do at the time. This hasn't changed for me.

Maybe you could do a few things with your youngest child to make her feel like it's really brilliant to be a big grown up sister...?!?!

Do you think maybe you're still in a bit of shock at being pregnant again?

Good Luck and Happy Birthday

hi blinky and happy birthday to you :)

firstly lilly13 i dont think you should be so judgemental people have there own choices there isnt a right or wrong there are also reasons aswell why people cant carry on with pregnancys such as health reasons. i admit i use to be the same never agreed with abortion, but i found myself in a position where i had to believe in it, cause when i fell pregnant when my baby was 8 weeks old, i had no choice in the matter i was still 18 years old just moved back home with my parents beacuse id split up with my partner after he was stealing off me, i had no money, and not to mention nearly loosing my life giving birth to my 1st child. even my doctor said to me look at what you have just been through you nearly died and it wont be any better this time. and i was using contraception too.
i cried and cried its a very hard thing to do i dont think anyone can go into and not be upset. and yes i do still think about it all the time and wonder would it have been a boy or a girl, what would he/she be like. but i know it was the right desision because i knew i couldnt have done it, and also i wanted to be here for my little boy growing up.
blinky its really upto you how you feel about this nobody can tell you what to do beacuse your the only person that can decide, but nobody has the right to judge you, this is your life.
i wish you all the luck in what you decide. good luck and happy birthday, makesure you eat loads of cake :)

Hi Blinky

It's a really hard choice to make for anyone. I'm very pro-choice yet never thought I could go through with having a termination myself, yet when I found out my much wanted baby had a chromosomal abnormality, I had a termination, fairly late at almost 14 weeks. It was an incredibly sad and difficult time for us, and I still love my baby girl more than anything. We named her Kitty Elise, and theres not a day that goes by where I dont think of her. Yet I know we made the right decision for us, and for her. Being someone that is desperate to have a child (I have since had a miscarriage as well!) I cant ever imagine being in a position where I didnt want a baby, however, at the end of the day the questions are the same, you have to do what is right for yourself, your family, and the embryo, which is not necessarily to bring it into a world where it isnt wanted.

ignore all the crap and nonsense about heartbeats and living with yourself, i had the same ignorant comments from small minded do-gooder 'friends' who had never been in the awful position of having to make this type of decision. the one about heartbeat amuses me the most - it may have a heartbeat but certainly doesnt have even the beginnings of most of the organs it will require to function independently (and even with the most state of the art neonatal equipment an embryo hasnt a hope of survival pre 24 weeks and very slim after that) so to all intent and purpose it is a parasite, certainly non-sentient and you should not feel guilty about exercising your freedom to choose whether to continue.

all that said, it is a massive thing to do and its not really a nice thing to carry in my heart, but i can carry it in my heart just about ok because i know it was the RIGHT decision - you need to be sure on that; i wouldnt be able to live with that choice if it hadnt been the right one, i have never ever been a suicidal person, but ending the life of my child did something to me and its a very fine line between knowing i did the right thing and being ok with it, and dying from the inside out if i had made the wrong choice. sounds fucked up, sorry, its hard to express. good luck, you will do the right thing for your family xxx

I am not feeling as positive as I thought I was yesterday. My mum has made it so clear that she thinks it is a terrible idea to have anymore. She thinks my life will never be the same again, which I accept, but she seems to thinks that it would be awful for my 2 girls plus hubby.

I phone BPAS just for advice and I cannot get any appointment till the new year.I couldn't stop crying after the phone call ended so does that mean something??? I am just so confused and hubby seems to be sitting on the fence somewhat!

I can't drive, have only 3 bedrooms and we don't have an easy life as it is..Would I be damaging the life on my girls if i selfishly put my feelings before their wellbeing? So many questions....

Blinky sending lots of big hugs to you...!

As hard as this is..you can't listen to your Mother. I know she will have your best intest at heart, but maybe she's only saying what she thinks you want to hear! This is your choice and of course you must speak with your DH. This must be really tough for DH too, clearly he loves you and wants to support you, maybe he doesn't wish to push it...? I think you still need time, which you do have.

You aren't being selfish, clearly you are a lovely mummy to your DD's since you are
thinking so heavily of them too

In the mean time make an appointment to see your GP.

hi

i also had an abortion when i found out i was pg with number 3. i had 2 dd's who were 2.8 adn 15 months. i have never regreted my choice. i was angry with myself for getting pg but i knew i wanted an abortion straight away. i can only imagine how difficult a decision it is if you are unsure. i would just say trust your own feelings and follow them.

Binky don't let anyone pressure you into a decision which sits uncomfortably with you. That's not right. Whatever way you decide it has to feel right for you. That's how you'll know its the right decision. Its not your mother's business to tell you what to do. Good luck.

It won't ruin your dds lives if you have another. You can't measure childhood happiness by how many siblings you do or dont have, or by how much stuff you have, or whether you have your own room. You measure it by the love your parents give you. Don't worry about the number of bedrooms either. 3 will be enough, certainly in the early years.

Hi, sorry, I know this is an old thread ... I'm just wondering if you could tell us what you decided to do?