help me work out how to tell my friend I am pregnant

[kitcat83]

Basically we have been good friends since the birth of our sons who are three and we have seen each other at least once a week since they were born.

She had fertility treatment to conceive said son as she has PCOS. She has been having this same treatment since his birth to try for number two and was recently told there is no hope but to try IVF which to be frank is looking like its going to be a slim chance it will happen.

I have also had trouble conceiving number two but nothing compared to my friends trouble. We have found that I am pregnant and I am so worried about how to tell her with as little distress to her as possible. Any advice?

I think all you can do is make sure that, when you tell her, you make it clear that you understand this will be hard for her and that you are not expecting her to be a full of congrats as one might usually expect. If you can manage also not to be offended if she chooses not to see too much of you for a while that will help - will depend on your friendship and to what extent you can keep your excitement in check around her. Equally, i think, whilst her situation is awful, if you are really good friends she should try, after the initial shock to be pleased for you and supportive. Many congrats anyway.

A very close friend of mine has been trying for a baby for 6 years and i was incredibly nervous about telling her. The most important thing was that i got to her first, so i made sure there was no chance she would find out from someone else.
She was aware that me and hubby had been trying for a few months so i just told her, on the phone as she lives quite far away.
She said congratulations but was fairly quiet, it wasn't a very long conversation as i could tell she was sad.
It was a few weeks before she called me again, i think she needed time to deal with it, but when she did we carried on as normal and she asked how i was feeling and how things were going.
It will be hard for her but she will be very happy for you once she's dealt with her own issues.

Congrats kitcat. Although i do not have a medical rason for not conceiving i am now pregnant with number 2 after trying for many years. Meanwhile my sister who does have PCOS conceived earlier than me with her second, I did find it very hard to deal with. And while I'm sure I will be hung out for this by many mnetters- a text from a friend who told me of her pg, made it slightly easier as i could read the text then lock myself away while i cried it out. She knew we'd been having trouble and it just meant I could self-pity first and then show a brighter face when i saw her. My siter however was less diplomatic when it came to telling me! But that is another story!

It does really depend on how close you are as to whether you tell her face to face or some other method.

wow thanks for all the advice from everyone. I am due to be having her over on Monday for her son to play with my DS. I am not sure whether to ring her this weekend and tell her over the phone so she can have a cry and be prepared for Monday
or
to wait and do it face to face on Monday.

I am soo worried for her as I know she is going through a really tough time of it at the moment with other things in her life without the PCOS and prospective IVF

Thnaks for the congrstualtions

*congratulations!!!!

I also experienced infertility, and found it very hard hearing about others successes. I agree that a quick phonecall before you see her might make it easier for her. My own experience was that my first reaction would be tears and obviously I didn't want to cry in front of others, and felt very selfish and that I was somehow a bad person for thinking of myself, when I should be happy for others. When I was tipped off in advance I found it a lot easier to cope with; could have a little cry; and then be genuinely happy for the parents to be.

I think that there is a bit of a feeling that telling difficult news is always better in person, but I think it is often much harder for the recipient who fels gutted, but doesn't want to rain on your parade.

You sound like a good friend, and I'm sure she'll be touched that you took such care of her feelings. And congratulations!

Thank you slopingsite, I think that a phone call is going to be what I do then it will give her time to compose herself if she still wants to meet up on monday.

Because she is a good friend I am worried for her as I think it will hit her quite hard as I am the last in our circle of friends to fall for the 2nd time. I also know that she is lovely and will know how happy I am to be finally pregnant and will want to be happy for me. Feel so awkward for her, as I know how devestated she will feel come tomorrow

Poor friend, but how considerate of you. A friend of mine who has been TTCing without success for years says that most people lack and forethought or sensitivity in announcing to her their pregnancies.

How about suggesting, if/when she feels OK to meet you, some sort of special day together for the two of you that's nothing to do with pregnancy, babies or children? You could take her out for a nice lunch and pay for you to have a manicure or reflexology together...

Hi, it is so nice you have thought like this. I have been in your friends situation and started ttc our first around the samw time as our friends. After 11 months, we found out we were infertile and had to have IVF, they found out they were pregnant. Our first IVF failed the week they had their baby. It was really difficult, but I would never have begrudged them their excitement. The fact that you have thought about how your friend feels will mean alot to her.

I would say, maybe tell her by email to give her time to react alone (not infront of you as initial reaction although not truly meant might be one of jealousy and disappointment) Also as the pregnancy progresses, involve her and talk to her about it but I agree to do and talk about other stuff so your friendship doesnt just revolve around babies.

Another thing is not to be afraod or embarrassed to ask how she is getting on and how she is feeling about it. Often people feel awkward and dont know what to say, but giving her the chance to talk about it maybe welcomed.

You sound like a good friend and Im sure you wont be insensitive and will know how to deal with it naturally.