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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Family & The Birth

13 replies

ChaCha · 20/09/2005 11:31

Not sure if i should have posted this here or in relationships...anyway, here goes:

Contrary to what was agreed upon in the beginning my in-laws want to stay as soon as baby is born. They will drive up (2.5hr drive) as soon as I go into hospital. I have gotten used to the idea now as they will only be able to stay a few days and have been very good to us all in all. I also appreciate that DH is going to need some TLC too and I may not be in a position (in fact doubt it) to give him any. At least his mum will be on call.
My parents are no longer together, living on opposite sides of the globe. Mum is going to come down too and stay in the spare room for a few days but dad now says he will not come as does not want a 'scene' during such a special time. I appreciate what he's saying but I did hope he would be there, feel a bit guilty now. Anyhow, he says he'd be happy to fly over as soon as mum is gone.
I'm feeling a bit guilty TBH. Anyone else gone through this and what was the solution? Do you think the above is reasonable?
Thanks.

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aloha · 20/09/2005 11:32

What do YOU want? That's the most important thing by far IMO. Are you planning to have your MIL and both your in-laws actually staying in your house when you return with the baby? That sounds really stressful to me.

Original poster

ChaCha · 20/09/2005 11:39

Ummm...yes. They were here at the weekend and said they'd like to be here for a couple of days. My mum also said the same. They can't stay more than a day or two due to work commitments/families etc.. DH wants them here as he says he may need to get to work (he is self employed you see) and doesn't want to leave me alone. I don't know what i want. In the beginning said I didn't want anyone around for the first few days but have since changed my mind at the prospect of being alone, tired and no one around to help. Baffled!

OP posts:

otto · 20/09/2005 11:43

Would it be possible for your mum to stay for the first few days and your in-laws to stay once she's gone home. I would have found it very stressful having so many people around when ds had been born. The only person who stayed during the first week was my stepdaughter.

Original poster

ChaCha · 20/09/2005 12:17

It might be an idea. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing to have family around to help out or is it really just too much?
Can't seem to please everyone, mum is now upset that dad doesn't want to be around when she's there. Great!

OP posts:

otto · 20/09/2005 12:23

I think it depends what sort of person you are and how relaxed you will feel about people 'taking over' your house. I know that I wouldn't be happy with that, but then I'm a bit of a conrol freak. My in-laws came to see us when ds was a couple of days old and she bought us a casserole that we could stick in the oven for our evening meal. That really was as much help as I got or wanted and that suited me.

Moomin · 20/09/2005 12:30

plus, no matter how nice everyone is individually, you never know about 'mixing' friends and rellies that don't usually spend much time together. There might be an issue of ownership, if you know what I mean, esp maybe between to 2 mums.

I get very funny about sharing my space with anyone other than dd and dh and I know I would find this stressful. I would much rather have a few days on my own - or maybe with my mum (mine died a while ago, sadly, but I would imagine if you're close to your mum that's who you'd have with you ideally). Your in-laws can come after if you feel up to it and then your dad. Dads in general are the least likely to get huffy about when they come and whereabouts they are on the pecking order, I reckon.
Above all, take everyone else's advice here and do what's good for YOU. Don't let people crowd you.

bee3 · 20/09/2005 13:16

As others have said, I think it depends on the sort of person you are, and how much privacy you need. Having your own mum around is probably v different from the in-laws, but it depends on the sort of relationships you have with them.

When I had ds my PIL wanted to come and stay straight away, and I know that their intentions were good - they truely thought it would help, but I was horrified at the thought of having them here. I like my privacy, and felt v uncomfortable at the thought of having people in my house when I was recovering from the birth, trying to establish breastfeeding and doing lots of skin to skin time, waking 2 hourly during the night, trying to bond with the baby, being knackered and maybe weepy etc etc. Mind you, I didn't know my PIL that well, and find my FIL particularly difficult so it was an easier choice for me. And I knew that dh was having 2 weeks paternity leave, and would cope fine with the house stuff/cooking etc

In the end we insisted they wait a couple of weeks, although we sent loads of photos, and talked everyday on the phone. That time with just me, dh and ds was so special.

Try to envisage how you will feel, then make sure you do exactly what you feel comfortable with, and don't feel pressurised to accept help if you don't want it.

Mosschops30 · 20/09/2005 13:23

Message withdrawn

Rowlers · 20/09/2005 13:23

Can your in-laws stay in a hotel for the couple of days? I found the first few days after giving birth very emotional and I could not have dealt with my own parents let alone the in-laws. Why do they have to be there so soon? Personally I think they should be asking you what you would prefer, not saying what they want.
It's hard to know how you will feel until it actually happens but in those first few days, you need time and space to get to know your baby without any other worries.

Pennies · 20/09/2005 13:26

CAn't stress the importance of doing what YOU want. You will be exhausted (physically and emotionally), your focus will be on your baby and you will not want to be playing hostess (which you will be doing no matter how self sufficient your family is).

I speak from bitter experience - my MIL stayed for the first week and it cause so many problems despite the fact that she's lovely.

As for the family politics re. divorce. My parents tried to play this trick on me. I told them that they would leave their problems at our front door or not see the baby. Harsh but fair.

Sorry to lecture but you really need to think about yourself here. Happy mum = happy baby. Never a truer word was spoken IMHO.

GhostofNatt · 20/09/2005 13:26

Do not under any circumstnaces have your PIL to stay immediately after the birth. Your DH does not need TLC as much as you need some privacy and peace. If you are concerned you need help have your own mother during this period (I did) and have PIL later. Anyone reasonable would undertsand!

Moomin · 20/09/2005 13:29

We actually went as far as to have a 'babymoon'. We stayed holed up together with the baby for the first 5 days before we had any visitors just so that we could see how we got on - it was lovely. We chose when to see the PIL (I think we went round to them after a couple of days for sunday lunch) but had no-one round until we were good and ready.

Carameli · 20/09/2005 13:56

I don't have anything new to say really just that everyone ehre speaks a lot of sense.

Do what you want. Its such a emotional time you need to take care of yours and your baby's needs. I don;t know what to advise regards PIL or your parents. My mum lives reasonably close so was able to come over and see me when I needed her there but also appreciated I needed time on my own as well.
After about a week I felt great about having visitors around. My dh even made a huge Sunday lunch a week after the birth for us and some close pals. WAs lovely as I was waited on hand and foot.

just see how you feel.

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