Problems with midwife and booked for home birth

[mergle]

I'm booked in for a home birth with a midwife I don't get on with.

Had an internal examination yesterday. Afterwards, she casually told me that she had tried to do a "membrane sweep" but couldn't because I hadn't started dilating (EDD was yesterday). I have no idea what a membrane sweep is but from what she was saying its running the finger round the cervix with the aim of increasing dilation(?). My main problem is that she would do something like that without asking me first- I've said that my philosophy is that we have to give the baby time to show up when he's ready, and I'm prepared (if frustrated) to wait as many weeks as need be past the EDD so long as everything looks ok.

I've already had confrontations with this midwife-she refused to tell me my blood pressure, and has said repeatedly that "I'll let you know if there is a problem"-otherwise, basically, she won't tell me anything. I'm quite nervous around the medical profession and I really do need to know whats going on. The thing is that, unless she goes off sick, there's a 1 in 3 chance that I will get her for most of the birth. She's also very rude to my partner. I have never felt comfortable with her and now I actually feel worried about what she's going to try to do. Am I overreacting? If not-what can I do? I'm actually considering transfering to a birth centre in a different health authority (we're near the border) if she shows up.

Poor you. I think I'd phone the head of midwifery, complain and say you don't want her. She's WRONG to carry out any treatment without talking to you about it first, in fact I'd say it constitutes assault but I may be OTT. No, you're not over reacting IMO. Good luck with getting some reaction from the head of midwifery.

Mergle, I have no personal experience as am ttc #1 - however, i find it completely disturbing that a midwifde is able to attempt to perform somethign as personal as a sweep without asking your permission first - I'm actually quite astonished!

I agree with WSM, i would ring the head of Midwifery, explain what has happened, explain that not only do you wish to enjoy the experience and should not have to put with someone you don't get on with, you also shouldn't have to put up with this horrid person delivering your baby.

I would put me foot down and try to get other arrangements made ASAP.

Good Luck

Jemma7, picky I know, but Wickedstepmother (WSM) and WWW (me) are not the same person

mergle i'd DEFINATELY complain and say you dont want her at the birth! Nothing should spoil the joy for you. You wouldn't put up with that kind of service in a shop even so why should you for such an important event! Good luck

Sorry WWW

Must've just been reading a post from WSM and had a bit of a blonde moment!

Obviously too many W's for me!

Apologies
x

Mergle - I think you need to speak to the Head of Midwifery. Technically she assaulted you by performing a precedure you did not ask for. You are entitled to change your midwife - you do not need to have her. Phone the hospital today and ask to make an appointment with the Head of Midwifery. If she is not available ask for the senior supervisor of midwives. YOu need to be able to discuss this issue so that you are comfortable with the midwives attending you for your home birth. If you do not get any satisfaction ask them for a copy of their complaints procedure. Good luck.

Definitely try and ensure she is not there at delivery - you really need someone you trust, like and respect to help you through. I would have been really annoyed if mw did a sweep without consent - it constitutes an intervention, and you should always be asked for permission!

Jemma7, Mergle, sorry to hijack an important thread with such absolute trivia.

Thanks for all the support. This is my first baby so I wasn't sure if this would be routine. But I feel so strongly that he should come out in his own time if at all possible. I'm nervous about making a complaint though, because if I complain about her then presumably all the other midwifes on her team will know I've made a complaint about her. I think that my work has a similar set up in that we each have a caseload of clients and if a client makes a complaint our first instinct is to rally round the staff member who the complaint has been made about, we don't think enough about whether the complaint is justified. This IS wrong, but I think its because, as I work for a charity so just like her we are overworked and underpaid, and it just adds another straw to the donkey's back when you do something that you thought was the right thing and you get a complaint. I also feel a bit bad about making a complaint because I do know that midwifery is a difficult and stressful and badly paid job, but if she shouldn't be doing this procedure without consent then I think I should say something. Bottom line-do you think that if I make a complaint I will get less good "service" at the birth?

I have no reason to think she isn't competant (except that she keeps telling me that she is) but if anything happened to my baby because of something she had sone without my consent I know how I would feel. And she very much excluded my partner yesterday, which upset him.

Thank you so much for these messages, I really wasn't sure if I was over-reacting.

mergle, I can understand your reluctance to complain - could just make the whole thing worse. But I think you need to do something - are you feeling brave/calm enough to sit down and talk to her and ask her specifically how you would like her to behave (e.g. please include my partner in discussions, please tell me exactly what you would like to do and why, and ask if that is ok with me etc etc) Better to do this on home ground if you can possibly arrange it - say you have concerns about the home birth and would like to go through your birth plan with her at home. If this goes badly, then maybe you do need to do something more drastic. HTH

I understand your reluctance to complain, and I'd feel the same, but as an impartial observer, I'd say,
follow mears' advice & speak to the head honcho & make sure she's not there.
I doubt the other midwives would be horrid to you /give you worse care as a result, after all, they may not know about the complaint/ surely personality clashes aren't too unusual & women must commonly request a different midwife and this doesn't necessarily reflect badly on you or arouse anyone's hostility. after all it's important you feel confident with your midwife & the other midwives will know & appreciate this.
As you're already past your due date, you haven't really got time to um and ah, you could pop any moment! just pick up the 'phone & your courage & make the call. Like you said, how would you feel if you didn't say anything, she turned up & then did something that upset you (and if she turned up, by this stage you'll be so p'd off about it that everything she did would wind you up). You want to look back on this delivery with fond memories, so don't let this stand in your way. I'm sure the other midwives will be absolutely fine with you.

The very best of luck.

I'm also having problems getting the type of care I want and getting the medical profession to listen to what I want. I think that if you have made the decision to have a home birth with minimal inervention then this midwife has clearly gone against your wishes and in a very invasive manner. Also, not telling you details such as your blood pressure etc is patronising and insulting - the bottom line is if you want to know you should be told.... it should all be written down in your maternity notes that you have to keep with you? And exclusion of partners is a soapbox issue of mine - this is your partners baby too and if the two of you have decided how you want the birth day to go then both your wishes should be taken into account. We've had similiar experiences of husband being ignored, not included and it really does not help at all. Stick to your guns and have the birth you want - god knows its hard enough these days but the medical prof can't keep dictating to us how we should have our babies!! I would change midwife asap... at the end of the day she has broken your trust and if she spoils the day for you then you'll always look back with regret. I wouldn't worry about a new midwife not giving you the care you need - they are professionals and once you have explained your reasns for chaning midwife I'm sure they'll see your point. But if you are really concerned and you ca change to another authority then that may give you more distance from your current team. Good luck...let us know how you go...

She sounds like an ogre, not even telling u your BP. She could at least credit you with knowing that! I wouldn't entertain her and take Mears and co advice to see head of midwifery/senior to make aalternative arrangements that you and your DP/H are comfortable with and confident with. I had a sweep from a consultant and he only told me after and it did start things off. I only know now that he should have said. I was glad later though as birth was then imminent. Lots of luck xxxxx

If you sort it out now and get a midwife you get on with, it will also make the home visits after the birth easier. I got the same midwife for all home visits (the one i'd had all during my pregnancy, thankfully she was lovely!) and you dont want her making you or your partner feel small then. Do it....you'll feel so releived i bet!

Agree with everyone else - you HAVE to nip this one in the bud before it's too late. You cannot have this woman in your home, stressing you out at a time when you should be trying to relax and focus on giving birth.
If you are feeling a bit 'close' to it, could your partner or a close friend make the call to the Head of Midwifery for you?

I think I do need to do something here. I'm going to talk this over with my partner when he gets home to make sure my preganancy addled brain hasn't forgotten consenting to this membrane sweep thing. I'm sure that all she said was that she wanted to check how dilated I was. And to be fair, she didn't actually do the membrane sweep, but she made it clear she was trying to do it. It was very painful and there was quite a bit of blood, so I think she was trying to do something. The thing is, I wouldn't consent to anything that would induce labour at this stage. I would love to go into labour now but I really believe he has to be given time to emerge. I've looked in my notes and there's no record that she tried to do a membrane sweep. I think a lot of it is a personality clash-I'm sure for a lot of people her approach ("let me worry about everything, you just do as you are told" ) would be fantastic, it just doesn't work for me. So I'll speak to my partner tonight and think about calling the head of midwifery or someone tommorrow.

Anyway, thanks . It has made a difference.

Mergle - the other midwives will be fine with you. For all you know, they may not like this other midwife either. Perhaps she is a known offender. It happens. I know a few who need to be challenged about what they do.

Mergle - the other midwives will be fine with you. For all you know, they may not like this other midwife either. Perhaps she is a known offender. It happens. I know a few who need to be challenged about what they do.

mergie - good luck. she sounds completely bizarre - leaving aside the sweep (outrageous), what is all that about not telling you your blood pressure? it is your bloody blood pressure for goodness sake! she sounds like a controlling bully which is the LAST thing you want when you are in labour. and if she hasn't written your bp in your notes (or noted her attempt for a sweep) she is also an incompetant, controlling bully. I'm very cross on your behalf, being a week or so away from a home birth myself!!!
I'd be very clear to the head of midwifery that you don't want her in your house again. I should think she will be only too happy to oblige - the last thing she wants is even more valid complaints AFTER the birth. Give 'em hell!!!

Do contact your head of midwifery as it is really important that you feel comfortable - especially as you have opted for a home birth - I had a hb and my midwife made it a fantastic experience. Dont be afraid to complain - after all you and your baby are the number one concern.
Good luck

Mergle, to back up mears's point; when I was pregnant I really didn't like the midwife at my regular practice and when she was on leave I raised the issue at my regular appointment with another team member (whom I loved and really wished I could opt for). This other midwife was both professional (ie didn't slag off her colleague) and straightforward in telling me that I didn't have to have someone I felt so badly about; in the end I started warming to my regular one, but clearly it wouldn't have been a massive problem to switch (I felt much like you) . My guess is that others on the team realise that your midwife is out of order if she regularly does things like this, which I bet she does. HTH.

(PS when I went into labour I lucked out - the total sweetie was on duty anyway!).

Spoke to the head of midwifery services this morning. Its all sorted: she will not come out to me and instead I will get someone from another team if she is on. Obviously I'd rather have someone I'd met but I figure I'm in no worse a situation than if I was in hospital. The person I spoke to was professional about it, although I did feel bad about complaining, I'm sure from her point of view she was just doing her job. But anyway-thanks for all the support. Now I've just got to hope the baby gets out of there before by next weekend, otherwise they're talking inductions.

I think you have done the right thing Mergle. Was the Head of Midwifery helpful?

She was willing to make sure we didn't get that midwife, and she did eventually admit that what happened shouldn't have happened. I'd have liked a bit more outrage from her about this-she did seem to imply that the midwife's behaviour might have been quite reasonable-but the main thing is we're not going to get that midwife, and of course she hadn't even spoken to the midwife involved, and she has to defend her staff up to a point. Also we have made it clear that if anything happens without my consent during labour then we will make a formal complaint.

Hope she speaks to the midwife concernd. Once you have delivered Mergle I would urge you to write a letter of complaint about this midwife's attitude to you. Complaints are usually only acted upon when submitted in writing. The reason I am saying this, is that the midwife concerned needs to improve her practice. She would not be sacked but would be given further training. I would wait till after the baby is born because you do not want to be focusing on negative things so close to the birth. Best wishes for your homebirth.