How have your partners reacted to mc?

[daimbardiva]

I miscarried my second pregnancy last week - I am lucky enough to have a lovley 17 month old though,so although I feel very sad, am definitely counting my blessings.

My midwife and the nurse at the EPU have been great, as have the few close friends I had told about my pregnancy, but my husband has been less supportive. He just doesn't seem to get it that this is more than just " a minor setback" (his words) to me, and is writing off the fact I'm upset to "hormones".

Just wondered if this seems to be a general male reaction - I know it can be difficult for men to "connect" with a pregnancy, and I'm not saying that I want to wallow in despair, but it would be nice if he recognised that the mc has been an upsetting experience for me, and that i might be in need of some tlc!

Oh my dear, I am so sorry for your loss

Are you sure that he does not feel it more than he is making out to? It could be one of those manly-cover-up-my-feelings thingys. Or perhaps it has not quite sunk in that it was his child that was lost and not just a thing? Men can be very slow in letting these things through...

Otherwise it might be time to sit him down and explain exactly how you feel and what it means to you. He should be comforting and supporting you, not fobbing you off with those annoying hormone comments!

I am so sorry to hear your news.

I had many MCs and if they were early, there seemed to be no reaction from DH at all.

I remember telling him I had MCd and he looked at me and said ok and then asked what was for dinner.

I do think they find it very hard to connect with the pregnancy.

I had a very late MC over ten years ago and although DH was there when I delivered and looked after me he did not seem to react.

A few weeks ago I went to look in a bag that he had hidden at the back of his wardrobe, but he would not let me. All sorts of reasons went through my mind, as to what was in there.

When he went out I had a look in the bag and found my babies clothes, I had given them to him when I came home from hospital and asked him to bin them, I was amazed he had kept them all this time.

I think men try to act tough, but maybe feel more than they let on.

daimbardiva are you me? I had a mc last week and fell out with DH due to his lack of compassion and TLC. We are OK now and I knew we would be but I was really angry with him at the time!!
I need to rush off now but will be watching this thread with interest and will add more later.
Hope you got the big hug you needed in the end xx

Thank you ladies, it is very good to know it is not just my DH!

I have tried to explain to him how I feel, he has listened but he is very much a "just get on with it" kind of person...but also, I do wonder if you are right MrsNoggin - I think he may be sitting on any feelings he may have as he might be scared what it might let out. But really he just seems to have a totally different perspective from it than me - when I told him what had happened he did give me a hug, but then said "It's OK, we already have one child" as if I'd told him I'd lost a woolly hat or something "It's OK we've got another!"

Lynli that is a very touching story about your DH - I'm so sorry to hear you've been trhough so many mcs.

Mylittlebubble no, I'm not you (at least I don't think so!), I hope that you are doing OK!!

I miscarried earlier this year before I realised I was actually pregnant. We'd only been trying a few months but when I came down and said I'd miscarried (was obvious from what came out sorry if TMI) my DH's face absolutely fell and he was really upset. I think overall he was more upset about me than the baby as I was crying.

That's what gets me about DHs who don't have much reaction - it doesn't matter if they don't have a connection to the lost baby, they have a connection to you and so should be upset by your reaction. To put it in context I think most of us would say that if a friend of DH's died we would be upset even if we didn't know the friend because of the fact that it would upset DH.

My DH was clearly upset for a couple of weeks. When I asked him a few weeks later what was up, as he had been quiet and moody for a few days, he said he'd been thinking of the baby and it was making him sad. Knowing someone else felt the same way as me made a huge difference, so I can understand why you're so upset OP.

I had an ectopic pregnancy last year - DH brought me home from hospital after they gave me the injection to stop it growing and went back to work on the basis that the cleaner was there if I needed anything and he didn't want to get behind.

I don't think they do feel the same way.

We've had DS2 since then but I am still angry with him about this...

i can relate, i suffered my first mmc 7 weeks ago, at 13 weeks. My husband didnt connect with the baby as he hadnt got to see the baby, and his first time of seeing the baby, the baby had already died and was very small, 8 weeks.
He never shed a tear!! He used words like oh well it was only a fetus and not an actual baby??
Now 7 weeks on im struggeling to get back to normal me again, and every day is a struggle, but he thinks its happened and i should get over it and try again!! Almost like if we get pregnant again all with be forgotten and we can get over this!!!
Like the old saying men are from mars, so so true!!
Sorry about your loss. X

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had an mmc at 13 weeks with my second pg and my dh was very shocked by it. I don't think the thought of there possibly being bad news at a scan had ever occurred to him though. Having said that he recovered far more quickly than I did/ have and was rather perplexed with why I was upset on what would have been the due date.
The miscarriage association have some very useful leaflets on their website that helped me understand things from his perspective and vice versatile.

Really sorry about your loss. I had two mmcs last year both at 12 weeks and know how hard it is.

DH said at the time that it was difficult for him to connect to the pregnancies like I did as hadn't seen anything or had the hormones etc. While he said he was sad at it happening, he didn't feel the upset I did and was more worried about me being upset - and not really knowing how to deal with that part of it. He also said that men by nature are much more practical than us which makes their response very different.

Mine also described it as a minor setback which I as I now understand his way of trying to help me put it in context and be positive for the future - he was trying to help me move on in his way. Alot of men are practical (the men are from mars thing!) and deal with it in a different way. Mine also flew to the States with work for a week after my first mmc - very practical but think he actually found it bloody hard!

Regards hormones - the hospital did tell us that I would feel better when hormomes settled down which DH being practical picked up on - not sure if you had the same thing but might explain his response a little??? DH also said after that he found it very difficult seeing me being upset and found it difficult to manage - and escaped into work a little!

Having said that, even with hormones he should realise you do need some tlc and should recognise that. If you do have a talk with him, might be worth saying exactly how you feel and being practical - what it is you need and how he can help - many men can deal with that better - practical ways of helping.

I'm sorry daimbardiva.

I found mine a bit cold about it but it was a very early miscarriage so I was physically okay really. I don't think he really understood or took it all in. I don't think he was upset and he was just baffled about how to support me.

should have said that alot of our understanding of each others response was explained some months after the events - struggled along a little at the time!

Good luck to you both for the future!

Daimbardiva so sorry for your loss. Wishing yoyu lots of support as you recover.

I think like us girls, our chaps all have their own ways of dealing with things. Some try and act all manly and keep a stiff upper lip but bury their own upset feelings (trying to be strong for us); others cry with us and still others don't really seem to grasp how we're feeling (men are from mars etc). It was good advice about checking in with the miscarriage association above - who have some very informative factsheets which might help you both.

I had a mc last March and was then worrying it might happen again he said to me things like "oh that wasn't a proper baby" and normally he's quite a sensitive guy. We had a good chat and I explained how I felt and he then said that he was just trying to make me feel better and more secure. Sometimes the clumsiest things come out of their mouths but with the best intentions behind them!

Having spent my life surrounded by males (4 brothers, engineering degree, work in rail industry!) I tend to have a bit of a male's approach to things and whilst shocked at finding out I had a mmc at the 12 week scan I found the level of sympathy shown by the midwives at the time of finding out annoying (?!?) and just wanted to know the logistics behind getting back to 'normal'. I saw it as a bit of a set back, obviously not the right baby, wanted to get pregnant again immediately to get back on target etc ... it allowed me to label it and they were controllable things, which I could act upon. Of course it all hit me a few weeks later and I found the lovely ladies on MN where I could talk obsessively about it and I luckily have a lovely support network in RL but I imagine if I didn't have this, I would still be trying to approach all this in a 'logical' fashion - one of the many times I am grateful for being female!

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.

I think men just feel a bit disconnected from it all. I have had four pregnancy losses and it has upset me everytime that DH just seems to carry on as usual and doesn't remember what would have been my due dates and so on.

We have argued about it and he says it just doesn't seem real to him. He didn't feel physically any different and so the only evidence he had of pregnancy was a line on the pregnancy test.

I am now 29 weeks pregnant and he still doesn't really connect with the pregnancy. I know once the baby is here and he can hold it in his arms he will be great. I also think in part that he is holding himself back because of our previous losses and doesn't want to get too attached.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Men are just different to women, in how they deal with things and how they show their emotion. I also think they tend to be more practical too.

I had a late loss this year of twins, one survived in NICU for 9 days, and then a miscarriage at the end of August. My next door neighbour is 16 weeks now, what I would have been if I hadn't miscarried. My husband was devastated at the loss of our twin girls, I could see just how much he loved them when he held them and we talk about them all the time. My husband was also very upset at my miscarriage, but he just doesn't feel the same way as I do, probably because, harsh as it sounds, it's wasn't a 'proper' baby yet. I mentioned to him yesterday that the lady next door is 16 weeks now and he just said 'and?' as he didn't have a clue how pregnant I would have been if I hadn't miscarried.

I am now pregnant again and I am terrified. Not least as the problems that occurred in my twin pregnancy and that caused my miscariage are a factor in this pregnancy. My DH doesn't really understand that either, but he does tryhis best to be supportive.

Really sorry to hear your sad news.

I think, like most things, it depends on the DP. My DH was devastated when I mced and I have memories of us lying in bed on new years eve last year both in floods of tears as we had just come back from a and e to find out I had mced (I actually have tears now just with the memory :( ). Now DH is really not an emotional or feelings type person and never really crys ever.

However, a couple of weeks later and although he still felt sad about it, he was able to get over it quicker than me. It took me a good few months with tears every now and again and feeling a real sense of loss but for him the process was quick (although I think it's harder for us as we live it - it was our baby in our body. Much as it was DHs too, he didn't have that living thing inside of him growing for that time).

I did also find btw that this time when I got pg (now 25 weeks) he was much more reserved and almost didn't want to admit that I was pregnant or feel anything towards the baby as I think he was worried something might go wrong. It was his way of protecting himself. He started getting a little excited at the 12 weeks scan, and when we had a provate 3d scan a couple of weeks ago I think it brought it all home and he is now very much involved and excited.

Thank you ladies, you are all wonderful!!!

It's also very humbling to hear how many of you have also been through mcs - thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me.

Wishing you all all the very best for future/present pregnancies....and for continuing to try and understand our menfolk!!!