Newly pregnant with 2nd child & terrified !

[mum2neve]

I have just found oout I am pregnant again, and although its something I thought I wanted, now it has happened I am terrified - how will I cope with my 3yr old while I am feeling sick/tired etc, and how will I cope with 2 when baby arrives.

Having had post natal depressional after number 1, I am having panic attacks already about number 2 - anyone else have the same feelings ?

[ScaredToo]

mum2neve - I could have written your post exactly too.

I too am extremely nervous. Although I had a good pregnancy, my first was a nightmare. I am dreading the arrival of no2. I am so scared that it will be the same as my first who was so exhausting. It's only recently I've found no1 (now 3yrs) easier to cope with.

[nerdgirl]

It's really not going to be as bad as you think mum2neve. I was pretty apprehensive about number 2 but it worked out great in the end. You have no idea how much parenting experience you've gained until you do it all again!

Of course DS2's favourite song is still 'Bob the Builder' 'cos I used to stick the video in to entertain his two year old brother when I was feeding him!

And now that they are 3 and 5 years old - it's much easier having two. They amuse each other and help each other and you don't feel so mean shouting at two of them to pick up their things!

[Rhubarb]

Blimey Mum2neve, you're not alone! I too have a 3rd old daughter and I am 23 weeks pregnant. During my last pregnancy I suffered very badly from depression which affected my relationship with my husband and the way I viewed the baby growing inside me. Luckily once I had my dd, all the depression faded away (mind you I did get progesterone treatment!). So when I found out I was pregnant again, I felt just the same as you. I didn't want another one, I was worried in case the depression came back, I wondered how I would cope, etc.

The depression has come back, but I am managing to fight it with lots of help from Mumsnet, friends, the GP, the midwife and the Community Psychatric Nurses. I still have doubts about wanting this baby, but I know now that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been there before and come out the other end, so I will again, and so will you. Even mothers on here who have planned their second/third/fourth babies all feel that worry and doubt when they do find themselves pregnant. It's only natural.

As to how you will cope with sickness etc, well you just do! It's amazing what your body can put up with! Get lots of support from your partner and borrow some children's videos from the library. Now your child is 3, will they be starting nursery in Sept? If so, that will give you a little breathing space. Make sure you communicate with your partner, tell him how you are feeling and what your worries are, he will need to support you. Also have a word with your GP and midwife to see what advice and support they can offer you. Visit my website here to find out more about pre and post-natal depression and the treatments available for it.

You know how much love you have for your child, you will have that same amount of love for your new baby. Really you will. And your other child is old enough to be a bit of help to you, it's not like having a baby and a toddler to cope with.

I'm sure you will get loads of replies from Mumsnetters who have felt exactly the same as you! So relax a little, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. And who says that things can't be different this time?

[arabella2]

Dear mum2neve
I feel similar in that I am now 8 weeks pregnant (only ) with a 21 month old ds. For 2 weeks now I have been feeling sick and I hate the distance this puts between ds and I as I am no longer able to do all the things I would like with him. I just keep on counting the weeks until the morning sickness will end and there still seems to be LOADS of them (last time it stopped at week 15) and they are going VERY SLOWLY. I'm putting on hold worrying about what it will be like with 2 kids until I feel better... One of my worries is that I am still breastfeeding ds and he is very reliant on this to go to sleep. I cannot tackle this now while I am feeling so rough but I reckon that if the sickness does stop at 15 weeks then I still have 25 weeks to try and sort ds's sleeping / weaning out.
I feel sickest in the evening and so far dh has not been particularly sympathetic but last night I just went to bed and left him with ds...
I'm a little worried at being trapped again with a newborn and loads of relatives around whom I do not particularly want to see, but that stage of people all over you does go away. My MIL has just stayed with us for about 9 days which did get a little wearing (spelling?) and I keep on thinking about how both she and my parents will be here all over their precious offspring bar one generation (my parents are all OVER my ds claiming their RIGHT to a relationship with their grandson, of course it is important for ds but it is the way my parents do it which is irritating) once the new baby is born. What I would really like to do is move house so that the whole thing of being trapped doesn't happen in the same place as last time.
Anyway, I am not helping at all, just to say that I recognise some of your feelings. I do want another baby, especially for ds, but I wonder if I will be able to love him as much as I love ds??? (Thanks Rhubarb for reassurance on that point).
The other thing that depresses me is lack of nookie for SOOOOO long... just as things were going nicely between me and dh as well.
My only advice would be (as it is to myself) to take everything in stages and worry about only the week ahead. After all 9 months is a long time. Also, the fact that your child is already 3 is good I think because they will know SOOOO much and be able to help when the baby is there.
But yes, I can totally relate to the "what have we done!!!" feeling. In the long run I really want 2 children so this is worth it. (I did want 3 but after feeling sick this time, I am definitely stopping at 2 and counting my blessings).

[Northerner]

I only have 1 child, but hope one day to have number 2. And I already have the same niggling feelings mentioned here and I'm not even pregnant!

I shall follow this thread with interest!

[mum2neve]

Thank you so much Rhubarb, nerdgirl & scared too, for your messages.

I am going to see my doctor this afternoon, and am dreading it in case she expects me to come off the antidepressants, I will probably feel better after I have seen her.

I have spent the past few days working out how long it will be before my 3 yr old starts school, after number 2 is born, and although its not long, I feel as though I am already trying to offload her to make space for number 2.

I have been so ill over the last couple of days, my Mum has helped out with my little girl to give me time to " pull my self together", and already she knows there is something wrong. She is being v. demanding, wanting me to play with her all the time - it is probably reassuring for her when I am playing with her.

I see so many Mums with 2 children, and they seem to be coping, but I know from experioence that it is easier to look like you are coping, than it is to actually be coping.

[mum2neve]

Arabella2 - same here, thought I wanted 3, but the way I am feeling now, 2 is definatley the limit.

Thank you for relating your feelings about not being able to do as much with your first child. That is one of my biggest worries, I love her so much, and I can see that she is being affected already by changes beyond her control - it makes me want to cry (sorry v hormonal).

[Rhubarb]

I worry too about the effects my depression has on my dd. She has seen me rant and rave, burst into tears, and scream at her when things have got too much. I have fallen asleep on the sofa whilst watching her, and woken to find her stood next to me just looking at me. I tire easily and sometimes I will go to bed when dh comes in. She just says that mummy is ill again. I worry that she will blame the baby for all of this too.

But at the end of the day you have to remind yourself of all the good things you do for your kids. If you can't face playing with them, take them to the pictures, it is a treat for them and a rest for you! Piglets Movie is good for them. Find out if there are any NCT coffee groups nearby you could go to, then they could play with other children whilst you have a hot drink and a chat. Children are very accepting and they won't remember every bad thing that you do. 9 months is a very short period in their lives, and they really won't remember much about it at their age. How much do you remember before the age of 5? Yes it does worry them when they know there is something wrong, and I am a great believer in being honest with them, even at this age. I sat my dd down and told her that I wasn't very well and that I needed a rest every now and then. And when I did lose my temper, I would always apologise to her afterwards. Just keep reassuring them that you love them and it is not their fault that you are so down, tell them you are ill, it is easier for them to understand that. Your partners could help too. Ask them if they could take the children out at the weekend for a while to give you a break. And maybe they could take over the baths until you feel better, or put them to bed every night.

And do you remember your first pregnancies? Do you remember wondering how much you could possibly love a baby? Will you be jealous of your partner's love for it? Would you bond? And yet you did, and look at how much you love them now. Do you really think it would be any different with no.2?
Wishing you all well!

[moosh]

Please don't panic, it will not do your pregnancy any good. I am 11 weeks preggas and have 3.6 month old you just get on with it. It is like a normal day, you feel tierd but you carry on till little one is asleep in the evening, then you collapse. With the first pregnancy, I had time to sleep, there was no one else to look after. But this time you just keep going, the sickness you cope with as well. Some days are easier than others. Is your first little one at nursery/preschool in Sep it will give you that little time to rest till you have to pick them up. Also leave partner/husband to cope some evenings, if you feel rough and need to lie down. Mine is supportive, may frown occassionally when I go to bed and leave him to do the washing up and bath ds. But as I keep telling him as soon as the nausea is gone, I will be back to my "Superwoman self". I have not suffered PND so it is hard for me to comment, but I am sure you can speak to health vistor, doctor about your fears and worries. Please don't panic, I am sure you will be fine and Congratulations!

[eefs]

Can I join in?
Even though I'm glad to be pregnant again, happy with the age gap I'll have, ok at work, happy that ds will not be an only child etc etc I feel so sad when I think of all ds is going to lose out on once this child is born. All I can remember is how much time looking after ds as a baby took (and he was generally a good child) and how am I going to find any time for ds when I'm looking after a new baby.
I've even told dp that he can take care of the new baby as I'll have to make sure ds doesn't suffer. I am almost hoping I don't bond with this new baby so I can hand it over to anyone easily. weird. I don't feel particularly connected with it yet. I had a hard time coming to terms with being pregnant with ds (unplanned pregnancy) although as soon as he was born I was besotted, I think maybe I'm relating being pregnant with all those negative feelings.
However, I keep telling myself that I'm not the first person to have more than one child, I've always wanted a big family (not so sure on that anymore) and I am sure I will cope. I'm still sad about how ds is going to suffer though.

[motherinferior]

Sweethearts - I've only scanned your thread as have dd2 on lap, but I do understand how you feel - I worried very very much that my second daughter would affect my first the way I've always felt my sister's birth affected me. However, I personally found the second pregnancy slightly easier to cope with, and the birth etc much more so.

All I can say is that this far (7 weeks)I do find it hard, but having gone through one babyhood already I have enough 'slack' to care for the other. It is non-stop, it's wearing, I am frequently the ratbag mummy from hell, and so on. But I think I did do the right thing!

The one thing I realise is that with the difficult bits of a new baby, I look at my adorable two-year-old and realise my baby will be like her. And that is so much to look forward to.

HTH and lots of love.

[bluecow]

Mum2neve - I don't think you'd be normal if you didn't have such fears. I'm five weeks pregnant and have a 9 month old ds. I wanted to get pregnant too and yet feel apprehensive. But I am sure you will find a lot of support and understanding from all sorts of people.

[Dahlia]

Just to echo Motherinferior's comments - I too had lots of worries about having a second baby, but she is 8 weeks old now and I am starting to get into my stride and actually enjoy it - and dd1 hasn't suffered at all, she is overjoyed to have a little sister. And its very easy to love your second just as much as your first! (And the birth was a doddle compared to first time!)
Try not to worry too much, and - I know its hard - try not to think too deeply about the future, just concentrate on now. That's what I do and it works for me.

[elliott]

My second pregnancy couldn't have been more planned (IVF!) but for the first couple of weeks after the positive test I was waking up in cold sweats worrying about the implications.....should we move house? A new car? How to afford it all? I'm pleased to say I soon calmed down (can't even remember half of what I was worried about now) and I'm now really looking forward to meeting the new little one. Of course I am REALLY DREADING the months of broken sleep, but I remember feeling the same last time and in the event it didn't seem as bad as I had feared....
Anyway I think your feelings are normal and hopefully will subside a little as things progress...

[dippy]

Can I just reassure everyone? I became pregnant again when DD1 was 4 months old!! I never contemplated not having DD2 (now 8 weeks old) but went through months of feelings of not being able to love the 2nd as much as the first or indeed at all. I suffered morning sickness for 16 weeks - DD1 did not suffer - you do really just get on with it as you want your 1st to have a normal routine. Pregnancy therefore becomes easier as most of the time your mind is on your 1st and not what is about to happen. Until DD2 was born I was still unsure of how I would feel - let me tell you the amount of love I have for DD1 is the same as for DD2. I adore her. Whatever you feel now believe me you will feel as much love for the next. Birth wise - labour is far far easier. Coping with 2 - well I had a newborn and a 12month old - it isn't easy but it's rewarding and you do adapt to a routine of sorts! Keep a sense of humour and as long as they are fed & any nappies changed be proud of yourself. Hope this long message helps.

[codswallop]

Elliot the sleepless night are loads easier. and simple third time!

[elliott]

mmm, not sure I can believe that, codswallop! i just know how s I feel after a broken night with ds - which usually only takes about a minute to sort out and back to bed again - so I can't imagine how I'm going to cope with two or three night feeds every night for weeks/months, and no possibility for a lie in! (unfortunately I am NOT a morning person, but ds most definitely is!) Well I guess I will survive...