Single friend can't be my friend now I'm pregnant

[sophielouise]

I have a very close friend at work, we are more than colleagues and regularly hang out together etc. She's suffered from depression ever since I've known her, and it comes and goes. Since I got pregnant she has been distancing herself from me, and last night she eventually texts me to say she doesn't want to hang out anymore as she 'can't relate' to my world. I know she finds it hard to be around me - I am happily married, and now expecting my first, but I am really hurt by what she's said.. I make sure that I don't talk about the pregancy unless she asks, and I consider her one of my best friends.. Should I push her to remain friends or let her be alone as she wishes? She is terribly lonely, and it just feels awful that I only seem to make things worse.. Anyone else experienced anything like this? Sorry for the long post! :0)

I think your 'picture perfect' life is just throwing her loneliness into sharp relief. She might even feel a bit betrayed and can't be happy for you cos she's lost her crutch. This is far from being selfish if she is depressed as you say. Let her know that you are sad she feels this way, that you still care about her and respect her wishes, but will be there for her if she does need you. Sad :(

You are not the cause of her problems, she obviously has some issues and your happy news is making her feel insecure. I have no advice but I dont want you feeling bad, over soemthing that is not your fault. Someone will be along in a mo with more advice on dealing with people with depression.

Hi there,

this is such a shame.

It isn't your fault and you don't want her dragging you down. Nonetheless, you are probably friends for a reason and it sounds like you'd miss her friendship.

I think the main thing is to "leave the door open" so that you can resume the friendship if/when she is ready.

She might be going through an uncomfortable phase, but she may come 'round.

In the meantime, remember to ask her about HER life too.

Good luck!

She soudns to me like a self-pitying whinyarse who needs a good kick in the fanjo. Is she recieving any treatment for the depression that you know of? Or is she just 'depressed' because she's got no friends because she is totally self-obsessed and everyone else is sick of her?
Just say nicely that you are sorry she feels that way and then get on with your own life. You are not responsible for her and you shold not have to pretend that something good isn't happening to you just for the sake of this friend's tender feelings.

This happened to me and a group of friends. Most of the group were getting married and having their first babies and this one friend felt left out and just stopped all contact.

She was my closest friend of the group at that time and I was really hurt that she did not return calls, etc.

Thank you all for your words.. you are right Pip- I will miss her friendship - she seems to forget that although (in her eyes) my life is 'perfect', I still need friends like everyone else.

To Solidbutshambling - She is not really the self pitying type and has been having treatment for depression for years. Maybe I've painted her out to be like this but she's not.. she's a lovely gentle soul- I just feel I can't help her and it's sad that she can't even hang out anymore..

Depression is certainly an illness that I've tried to understand but can't.

You are also right - I deserve to be happy and PROUD of good things in my life.

Thank goodness for all you other pregnant ladies! Don't be ashamed to be happy :-)

SL: Ok, you obviously know her better than I do. It is a shame that she is depressed but that doesn;t mean you should feel guilty or bad about enjoying your PG. You hiding your happiness will not fix her depression, and you did not (presumably) obtain your happiness at her expense eg stealing her boyfriend and getting PG by him.
By al means tell her you're sorry she feels that way and she is welcome to get back in touch any time she likes, but then basically put her out of your mind.

Both my mother and my sister have suffered from depression for years and it's very frustrating to be unable to solve anything, really the person themselves needs to put a lot of work into their recovery, the only thing you can do is always be there for her, if she finds it hard to hang out with you maybe e-mail or text as sometimes it's easier to get a message across in print, I think eventually she will get back to you!

I had a married friend whom I lost once I had ds. She was unable to have dcs and couldn't accept that I'd had ds despite not being married and having been told there was no way I could have dcs. We tried for about a year after ds was born and then I was involved in a catastrophic life-changing event. She told me to pull myself together and I realised then that we no longer had enough in common to maintain our 20 year old friendship.

She had suffered from depression for years and I'd always been sympathetic and supportive. However the event in my life left me in need of support myself and unable to continue to support her, which resulted in the end of our friendship.

The exact same thing happened to me. One of my closest friends of 17 years (and who was also depressed) hasn't spoken to me since I became pregnant with my first child. She actually cut me off in the phone call where I told her I was pregnant at 4 months (she was already finding it difficult that I got married I think). I went on to lose that baby at 7 months in very sad circumstances and had a dreadful time but I doubt if she knows that. She would not get help for her depression though which was very sad.

I miss her and would welcome her back in one way... but also realise I could never rely on her if we were to become friends again. It is very sad (and I was upset and even angry about it for a long time) but it happens. The good news is is that other friends have come to the fore.

Also, I did send kind and loving emails during the pregnancy to leave the door open and show her I was thinking of her but she only occasionally replied and was even quite curt. When we lost the baby I stopped doing that as I had too much else going on.

It might be worth doing that in case it is just a temporary situation and she will come through it.

its a shame. My single friend was very happy for me and is a great support but i dont push stuff like scan pics onto her not because she is jealous but because she is just not that interested. She has a great relationship with dd 8 and is a great female role model for her as a career woman with her own hosue etc. Pregnancy triggers off strange feelings in women.I was trying to concieve with dh for 4 yrs and did feel very bitchy and jealous when anyone was pg. I managed to recognise it for what it was and deal with it and was fine then.

Friendship is a two way street. I have suffered with depression before but have never forgotten to appreciate my friends and care about what is going on with them. I expect she has people "rallying round" her when she is depressed so it is only fair that she should be there for you at a time when you'd like to be able to share this experience with those around you. Just because you are not actaully depressed doesn't mean that YOU don't need support at a time like this. I have friends with all kinds of different lifestyles and every one of them is very happy for me and interested in my pregnancy just as I have continued to be interested in their lives - because they are TRUE FRIENDS. Sounds like she is a bit of a taker - I know it sounds harsh but a real friend wouldn't make you feel guilty like that. Yes, she can't help how she feels but putting it on you is unreasonable and unfair.

Why should you feel PROUD of the good things in your life?