A helping hand of advice needed urgently.

[salutbelle]

Hello everyone,

I am a 20 year old student who has just recently found out that I am in fact 6 weeks pregnant. I really don't know what to do. Should I have this baby or not?

I am currently in an extremely loving relationship with a gentleman that has been my best friend for years and are plan was to move in with each other next year around june july time. (My due date.)

My parents and family have been extremely supportive and have agreed to help and look after me no matter what i decide to do.

Before i knew i was pregnant, I always have said I would have an abortion at this age as i knew it would be completely the wrong time. But as soon as i found out, my whole out look has changed. Suddenly i'm reading up on when I'll be due and what I can and cannot eat. I'm having difficulty trying to explain this to my boyfriend how ever.

He is extremely aware of how i feel about things and He knows I want the baby. But his reaction have varied largely over the past week and few days. Straight out at first he told me he did not want a baby now. But after a few days of talking, he began to say how he oddly feels very happy and if i decided i wanted the baby, then he would be the happiest dad in the world. But then for work reasons he had to leave for two days.

Within these two days, I had spoken to both my best friend and a close friend who has already had a baby herself. Both said the same things. " It sounds like you already know what you want" And i knew i had my heart set on having a baby now.

Lighting struck when my boyfriend returned how ever, having not be able to speak to him about how i felt, his feelings had obviously changed. When i asked if he had thought any more about it, he replied "no. I can't have a baby right now."

And i was and still am devastated about that. I'm pretty sure even he didn't realise how upset him saying that would make me.

The day after he had to leave again and is still currently away. I'm hoping to see him tomorrow after work.

Do I still have a baby, knowing that my boyfriend is so against it in the first place?
The last thing i want is for him to leave me, he is my world and i couldn't possibly think of any thing i want more than to have a family with him.

To make matters worse, I'm getting rather ill with tonsillitis and im not to sure what i can take for it whilst being pregnant. Im having sleepless nights I'm worried sick about every thing and i don't feel like myself as it is. I'm worried that if this continues my boyfriend will not love me any more.

I'm also worried that if i have an abortion I will hate not only myself but my boyfriend also as i would only be doing it because it would be what he wants.

If any one could offer any advice at all, it would make me much happier Im certain. I'm so sorry that this isn't the most happiest of posts.

Salutbelle.

xxxx

In order of easiest to sort out

-Go to your GP and ask about tonsillitis, you should be able to have antibiotics. Speak to the practice about MW care just so you're informed.

-Arrange scans/speak to MW/talk about what you want to do.

-(into crappy territory here) - Will you resent your boyfriend if you have a termination? If you want the baby and your BF doesn't and you have the termination, then it may well end in the end of your relationship.

What do YOU want to do. Obviously this wasn't planned, but is there a gut feeling about it all? What's your situation at the moment, could you have a baby?

and congratualtions :) xx

Thank you so much for replying!!

I have an appointed booked for wednesday morning, where I'll be scanned, blood checked etcetc. Which i personally am rather looking forward to.

I know i want this baby but know how my other half feels about it is making the decision very very hard.

I'm very much in a situation where having a baby could work. Its not perfect timing but then again, nothing every really is! education would have to be put on hold, but things will resume when needed.

I shall book an appointment with my GP on monday, for some reason i was under the impression antibiotics where out of the question. But thats very reassuring.

Your the first person to say congratulations to me. Thats definitely put a smile on my face.

thank you xx

p.s please excuse my poor grammar and spellings.

I'm a very sleeply lady!

x

I agree, I don't think having a termination when it's not what you want, but doing it for someone else, is likely to help the relationship. Only do if if it's what you really want. If you want the baby, you should have the baby. If you do, your boyfriend will have to come to terms with it in his own way, and you'll have to accept he may not be delighted, but following your own instinct is more important.

Congratulations and good luck for the appointment.

You sound like you want the baby.. Whatever you do, whether it be termination or otherwise, make sure that it is something that YOU want.
In this situation, (and I appreciate how hard your situation is, believe me) the ONLY thing you need to consider as the number one priority is whether or not you want this baby.

Look at these random excuses. Write down your response to each one, think about how you'd deal:

-You're at the start of your career
-You're too young
-You can't afford it
-Your partner doesn't want a baby
-It's just not the right time.

Please.. humour me...

Copy and paste these into a post and reply honestly:)

I'm hoping it might help x

(I'm not a pro-lifer btw, argh.... hope I don't come across as pushy, honestly trying to help)

I was in a similar situation when I fell pg with dd1 13 years ago, and I'd also fallen pg before that and decided to have a TOP.
Do consider finishing your education carefully - I have been lucky in that I've been able to teach the 'cello without a degree, and managed to get a Certificate of Teaching from the Associated Board when dd was 1, but pieces of paper can unlock doors that will help you support yourself and your child.
I ended up making my decision based on what I could cope with, regardless of what everyone else decided. My partner at the time (ex now) did much the same as yours - flitting between saying yes and no, and eventually (funnily enough after a weekend away to think) said no. My parents disowned me for a while too, but everyone ended up rallying around on the day of the birth, and were all very supportive from that point on.
It worked out fine for us in the end, but it doesn't always, so I think you need to consider that.
Also, having had both sides of the coin, your ability to cope will also be affected by whether you're in a strong, stable and loving relationship, and it does make a huge difference. I found things very tough being a single mum, even with my very supportive parents, and when I was with ex-p, that was even tougher a lot of the time! Since I've been with dh though, things have been a breeze, even with more children & money problems!
On considering a TOP, it sounds like you've decided against one, but if you do find yourself considering it, do get counselling, talk to friends and family, and make sure you get as much support as possible. You can get through them and although you never forget, the emotional pain and memories do decrease with time. It's easy to carry guilt but not so easy to forgive yourself and validate your reasons and move on, which is what you need to do.

Hope that helps & lots of hugs

Hi Salutbelle, it is not easy to give advice. I can put myself in your shoes when I was 20 years old, studying very hard at university and looking for a career on Wall Street, and there was no way back then I could have imagined having a baby... It was all too disturbing. I also had no money, lots of college loans and parents who could not support me financiallyy. I was never pregnant until now (I just turned 35)... And I have had a successful career and there was never the right time to start a family... I regret now very much not having kids younger! It is a precious gift and one has to accept it and cherish it, because you never know if you'll be given this gift again...

I have so many friends who like myself waited till their 30s to start trying and have been having very difficult times (our fertility unfortunately progressively declines, regardless of how physically fit we are...) My cousin had a few abortions in her early 20s because there wasn't a committment from the partner. Well, she is now 39 and has a committed partner and really wants a child, and has been trying for almost eight years now, and it is not happening even with a fertility treatment. As a religious person, I believe this happens for the reason that she had terminations before (there is a medical reason for this too, if you are not religious - terminations do cause fertility problems as well as gynecological problems later in life).

I agree with many others on this thread. It is wonderful that you are inclined to keep the baby. Don't let anything/anyone convince you otherwise. Prioritize matters. You can always have a career - just a matter of being driven and very persistent. A child will not be an obstacle to your success. True, there will be challenges, but if you put you mind to your goals, you will reach them! Unfortuantely, it is not the same with regard to having children... Definitely, see a midwife soon. Keep in touch and keep your chin up!