Gone off partner (and not just sex)

[Ali79]

I'm 31,and 7 weeks pregnant. All I've wanted since I met my partner 7 months ago was to settle down and have a family with him. It was a bit of an accident but not a wholly unhappy one. But now I'm actually pregnant, I am completely paranoid I have made a huge mistake and picked the wrong man. Bit more background: I was engaged before to a lovely man who I'd been with for 4 years. He was very caring and adored me, but we were fundamentally very different and I couldn't see us growing old together. I met my current partner as things with him were going rapidly downhill. We have very similar values and outlooks on life and much more in common. Now I'm worried I've just flung everything into a new relationship and assumed it was right without giving it time; I even worry that I don't really love him. I feel trapped and scared. But is it just the hormones? I definitely didn't feel like this at 4 weeks. Appreciate any advice.

At seven weeks preg your hormones and emotional responses to things will be all over the place. I know I was, it is difficult to trust your own feelings at a time like this. I know I felt full of self doubt, worry, insecurity, irritability and sadness at this point. This is not a time to make life changing decisions. If he is kind and supportive and the relationsip is not abusive in any way this is not the time to leave it. It's still a new relationship seven months in, you are barely through the heady honeymoon phrase and are now dealing with all the responsibilities and changes that a baby will bring. Hang in there and give him a chance.

Being pregnant for the first time is terrifying. Very exciting and wonderful too, but terrifying.

A friend of mine who was happily married had wobbles of worry about whether or not her husband was the right man to share this with. It is totally normal. No relationship is perfect and so there are always things to worry about and wish differently, no matter how long you have been together.

So, whilst hormones effect these things, it is also likely to be because there is a huge life change ahead and that is scary. As bundlebelly said, but modern standards it is a very new relationship that you are in, and you are both still getting to know each other, and finding the ways of building a partnership together. Hopefully everything will work out and you will grow closer together through parenthood, and will continue to build a happy relationship together. But there is never any guarentee - people can be happily married for years and then get divorced. That may sound really gloom and doom but I'm actually trying to say stop worrying about it. All you can do is take each day as it comes, and keep working on the relationship. Enjoy all the things that work in your relationship, and work on the things that don't. And don't worry that it is new, and not perfect. It will take time for you to build things up.

Take the pressure of yourself and him. Hang in there, and give him and yourself a chance. And enjoy being pregnant. It is scary, but totally worth it.

Are your worries specific to him?

ie does he expect you to do all the housework? Is he unkind or dismissive of you? Is he fair with money?

Or are you just worried that having a baby with someone you've only recently met is a big challenge and you're seeing that more clearly now it's a reality?

If the former - if he doesn't treat you well, then leave. It will be much harder to get out of a shit relationship once you have children.

If the latter, then hang tight, this is what you signed up for. You took a bit of a gamble with this guy, but you were 37 and wanted a family so it was reasonable chance to take imo. I know it's happened faster than you had planned, but you had already decided on the path. Suddenly you're further along than you expected, but you were on your way there sooner rather than later anyway.

I couldn't stand my partner being near me at the start. The small of him made me feel sick (he isn't a smelly person but ANY smell made me feel ill - I would wretch at many previously smell free things) and i didn't like him getting too close to me. I don't know why, my comfort zone just got bigger around everyone - not just him.
Although i didn't think we were wrong together, i kind of went off him in a way that would have freaked me out if we had only been together a few months.
LUCKILY i returned to normal about half way through the pregnancy.

It reads to me that you are more worried about this relationship turning out to be as unsuitable as your previous one (not sure why else your previous one would be so relevant - so perhaps you are looking for comparisons). But it seems to me that there is no reason why this would be the case.
Its also normal to feel trapped by a pregnancy, especially when it happens quickly and you wonder if you are ready for your life to change/you no longer are able to do things you enjoy etc. I certainly felt like this and another thread on here is also talking about it.
I wouldn't make any decisions about the relationship. As everyone else says, really. If you have a lot in common and similar outlook in life, and 7 months in you are still getting on very well, then I think its as good as it gets for the making of a great relationship.

Estya- that sounds so familiar! I can't stand the smell of him, and feel so bad about it. I think given my previous relationship I'm just worried about my judge of character, although everyone around us says we seem so happy.
Spidookly- he's very kind and not abusive. We actually have a very equal relationship. But yes, I'm terrified this will be too much for us, and already is in a way.
Bundlebelly and allyfe- thank you for your words of support. I think I know deep deep down I am irrationally worrying, but it's just really hard to deal with day to day. But I will keep on trying. Am seeing my mum tomorrow to tell her the news- really excited about that and need her support.

You're not the only one :) I've been with my partner for 3 years and love him to pieces but at around the same time had the same panicky feelings. Having a baby together is more of a commitment than getting married as whatever happens in the future you are tied to each other by sharing a child (plus once you're pregnant you know there's no going back) so I think it's perfectly natural to have moments of cold feet especially when you're hormones are up the spout.

Being pregnant also made me question what I thought DP was like as I was worried he wouldn't be supportive enough etc.. which is really silly because he's never been anything but so I have/had no reason to doubt him but for me it was just weird hormonal paranoia. I can definitely understand why you would feel like this especially after being together for seven months but I honestly wouldn't worry about it :)

For what it's worth, it passed for me pretty quickly and I really couldn't love and adore DP any more than I do :) :)

Hi
I've got a friend who was convinced throughout her entire second pregnancy that she had gone off her husband of about eight years and wouldn't want to be with him even after the baby was born.

We kept saying it was probably just hormones and it was!!

Hope it passes for you.

I went off my husband of 13 years in my second pregnancy. It really worried me. Now DD2 is 7 weeks old and I feel much happier with him and we have started having a physical relationship again when I'm not too knackered (so not often!). I am very relieved. Pregnancy hormones can do odd things and each pregnancy is different.

I think I go off people (including DP) during the early days of being pg, maybe because I do feel ill & if you are feeling a bit queasy & everything smells awful it doesnt make you want to be close to people. Perhaps he is just a little too close for comfort at the moment.

I agree its not the best time to make big decisions, just allow yourself plenty of 'me' time & explain to your DP that you arent feeling well (blame it on hormones) at the moment so that things are easier to pick up when you feel more back to normal in a few months. TBH being pg just makes me very odd & in an ideal world I would just sleep (alone) through the whole ordeal!

I really hope this works out for you but as the old saying goes 'marry (in your case get pregnant) in haste repent at leisure'. Its hard enough managing your feelings about having a child with a man you have been with for many years so I am not surprised you are feeling how you are. Dont worry too much though as your hormones will skew things a little. If you are seriously doubting this is the right thing then you still have plenty of time to rectify the situation.

Thanks all for your messages. Two weeks later and I am already feeling a little brighter. The sickness is easing a little, and we have had sex a couple of times which has helped me feel close to him again. But he still smells weird ;-)
Here's hoping it's just the hormones- I am looking forward to a point not too far away when I start feeling excited about all this.

Thanks for this post. Married for nearly 3 years, TTC#1 and i've totally over thought pregancy, childbirth and worry that DH (who wants to have kids) isn't the one for me and won't cope well with the change that parenthood brings. Also I am just generally scared at the thought of being mum. So its good to know tha I am the only one who thinks like this.

Ali and others, I'm really glad this post is here. I am 16 weeks pregnant and can identify with wanting to spend a lot of time on my own since becoming so. I'm actually out of bed just now because I want to be alone. I'm finding it hard to accept that this might just be the best thing for me at the moment - ideally I think we ought to be trying to spend a lot of time doing things together but it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I am just feeling ultra protective of my baby? DP is lovely and not abusive or anything so maybe the pregnancy hormones are making be irrationally sensitive.
I hope all goes well for you Ali.

Thank you so much for this post!, I feel much much better now! Thank you for your honest x

My DP smells weird too - hope this goes away ionce baby is out. But I know this happened with my ex too when I was pg with DS so should be temporary.

Just had a resurgence of him smelling weird in weeks 26-32, but it now seems to be easing again. So I'm very much hoping to put it down to hormones!

Thanks to you all, you've made me feel so much better. This will be my first baby and i'm only 8 1/2 weeks. My family history of miscarriage isn't good and i'm also nearly 36, so I have many worries although it should be the happiest time of my life. My poor partner can't do anything right, I know what you mean when you say if he left you wouldn't feel like you cared and about the breath thing (especially when he's had a beer or more). I am being horrible. I know in somethings I am being rational, where he doesn't seem to get something and asks me the same thing so i'm forced to repeat myself, but him having another biological child with disabilities and because he's been through bad times and says 'you deal with the hand you're dealt', isn't reassuring me that everything will be ok. Is it me ?? I feel like I need so much time apart from him and so much me time and sleep, yet I want attention at the same time and positive reassurance becuase of the anxiety its causing me - help !! How do I deal with this and also reduce the hating him stage ? after all i should be happy he's given me the best present in the world :(