Can't cope with DP

[anonMum2]

Is anyone else in the same boat? Am I being too fussy?

Before having DS, I did everything for my DH. Worked full time, did all the house work, paid the bills and did the shopping. When pregnant with DS, I was really ill and DH was tolerable, helping out with chores whenever I nagged him. Now with DS being a toddler and me being pregnant again, I feel like I'm still working full time, looking after DS by working from home on certain days, doing most the housework(although he does help out quite a bit now if I nag him loads) and basically still doing most the other things. I am so tired everyday and never get a chance to relax till nearly midnight. Admittedly he too works evenings at times but most the time, he's sitting surfing the internet, playing his console or watching tv. He hardly ever interacts with DS, instead choosing to put the tv on for DS whilst he surfs the internet. Because he is having to do quite a few chores now, he is very bad tempered (he never used to lift a finger) and always shouts at me and DS, swearing quite a lot. On top of that, what really p*sses me off is the fact that every single meal, he just goes off, apparently needing the loo. He's been doing that for many months now and he dissapears for half an hour and sometimes never shows up again so I just have to clear all the plates up and sort DS out at the same time before finding out what's happened to him(normally sitting in a room reading a book or magazine. It happens at restaurants too (not sure where he goes to!).

I could go on but today these are the few things that have really bothered me. I feel like I cannot do much as I'm stuck in my situation, being pregnant and having a toddler. Have had a huge row with him a few weeks ago when he got so angry he swore at me and shook DS for making him miss one of his favourite tv programmes because DS wanted to use the public toilet and he was trying to rush home. After the row he promised to treat us better and help out more etc. But few days later everything's back to this again. I feel like just taking DS and leaving DP! That's how bad it is. Am I just overly emotional because I'm pregnant? Is it normal for DPs to act this way? Perhaps this is just what every couple goes through as pregnancy and toddlerhood is probably a very challenging time for everyone?

Yes having young DCs is a challenging time.
No your DPs behaviour is not normal.
Shouting at you and DS,shaking DS. NOT NORMAL.
Get some help. If you decide to leave, Women's Aid will help you.
Someone more useful will be along soon, I'm sure.

No, it is not normal.
It sounds like everything is still "your job" and you just end up nagging him (which is horrid and exhausting for you) so he feels he is helping out with your jobs. Can you sit down with him, work out what you are both good at, and allocate half the jobs so that they are now his? Then you never need to nag, he gets to chose when and how he does them, and if they don't get done it is his responsibility.

Your situation is not acceptable, in any way.

You shouldn't have to do everything, half is fair and less when you are pregnant because you already doing more anyway.

Your DP sounds like a waste of space to be blunt.

Don't be afraid of leaving, even with a baby and toddler. There is support, don't be afraid to ask - coming on here is the first step perhaps?

Please don't let your partner treat you(and your children) like this, - he sounds potentially dangerous and I think you know in your heart you need to leave.

I hope you find the strength to change your situation - you and your children deserve better, please believe that!

he shook DS? Do you really need us to tell you what you need to do? What are you waiting for?

If you need them, Women's Aid are fabulous, helped my friend get her P out of the house. After months of similar sounding behaviour, she had to call the police after he had her pinned up against the wall threatening to kill her (in front of their 2.5yo DS)

Good Luck, Stay Strong & remember you have to do what you know is right long-term for your DC however difficult that might be in the short-term.

If I was you I would weigh up the pro's & cons of leaving in practical terms eg will you still have adequate childcare to work, could you afford all the bills if DP wanted to be awkward & not pay his way financially? As he does so little around the house it would probably be easier without him as you would have 1 less person to cater for (emotionally as well as housework-wise)BUT a separation at any time is extremely stressful & dont feel that you have to leave immediately. Might be worth saving a few pennies & making a few plans just in case though? take care & all the best wishes.

Hope you're OK. I think you know that his behaviour is not 'normal' - it sounds like you are getting no support from him whatsoever. Have you any close friends or family you could talk to about this? To be honest, it sounds as if being there is worse than being on your own as, not only are you doing everything, you're looking after him as well and have got the added stress and upset of worrying about your relationship. Alternatively, do you think he would be willing to try any kind of counselling? Does he know how big this problem is?

Thank you all for such kind posts. Not quite what I was expecting! I was so sure I've heard of many couples having issues when pregnant with children. :(

I'm not quite guilt-free though as I do nag DH a lot and have argued with him a lot throughout this pregnancy so far, mostly in front of DS which is really upsetting for everyone. Today I just completely lost of my cool and swore at DH during an argument in front of DS time before bursting into tears. DS has seen DH with his bad temper many times but never me, so seeing DS's reaction after my hissy fit made me feel so awful and guilty. I am determined not lose my cool in front of DS again.

Guess my post sounds awful, reading it back myself! But DH doesn't even smack DS! For some reason that day he was so angry that he shook DS on the street. It wasn't a long hard shake but a shake nonetheless. Which made me think it's all down to the stress of this pregnancy, the fact that he has to do things which he never used to, and probably my mood and all our arguments etc.

Thank you all for advise. I don't think I'm a victim as such because I fight back (or argue back) and the fact that I'm ranting here shows I'm not frightened and 'cowering in a corner' as such. But I definitely now know that other women don't go through this and it's not normal, and not to be afraid to seek help if need be.

Shaking your kid in the street is NOT because of your pregnancy, it's because your partner has a temper.

You are asking him to contribute to a PARTNERSHIP and he reacts badly because he is used to being centre of attention and not having to do anything.

He is like a kid having his toys taken away, and he's lashing out. At your child.

I'm glad you said you can seek help, I think if only to have someone to confide in or speak to it will help. Good luck x

He sounds very childish - playing computer games, not taking any responsibility for the household chores and only doing them reluctantly if nagged, having a tantrum and lashing out violently (towards a child!) for a ridiculous reason like missing a tv program - not the sort of behaviour you expect from an adult, though unfortunately it seems a lot of men do behave this way in relationships, even when they seem perfectly capable of behaving properly in other contexts (e.g. at work). I guess they prefer to behave like spoiled toddlers when they know they can get away with it, though I can't imagine how they can maintain any self-respect while doing so.

I think you're right that pregnancy and looking after small children is stressful and can put strain on a relationship, but it sounds like there's more going on than that here, you said yourself that even before you were pregnant with your first child, you did 'everything' for him. That's not right, you should be his partner, not his servant or his mum.

Ask yourself what do you gain from staying in the relationship?

Um, he was always a twat. You did everything before you had children and he did nothing. Why did you think that would get better once you had a baby?

I'm not saying this to have a go, just to point out that he hasn't changed from a decent man to someone who is now under pressure from DC etc. He was never bothered about helping you out, and he still isn't.

I have a similar (ish) situation (but sounds like he's more help than yours) - I have a 3 year old, am physically working full time and shopping etc - DH doesn't work at all but still doesn't do what I'd like to be his fair share of housework etc.

He is, I think, quite depressed - I'd go for counselling if I were you and all the better if he goes with you, otherwise you'll be coming home able to express yourself and get angry when his response is the same old same old. Good luck x

Sorry - but shaking a small child is very dangerous. That would be a final straw for me.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but he doesn't seem to be prepared to make any effort to change. Things will only get worse as the children get older.

And I thought mine (DH) was immature!! You and your DC deserve so much more. Please don't make excuses for him. How do you feel about counselling?

I know what you mean about the shaking bit, he didn't do it hard, as I've said, but after that incident I've been thinking non-stop about packing and leaving. He knows it because I told him. But we then had the sulk/row/chat after that and I did warn him not to ever let that happen again. We had another chat last night about his temper and once again, same old he 'promises' to be good and true enough he has been so far (less than 1 day so far). I'm not keen on things like counselling as I feel like I'm not in control then, but guess if I need to then I'll have to especially if situation gets worse and DCs are affected as it's not fair on them. But at least now I know who to go to (e.g. woman's aid) if I really do need help.

People who know us never seem to react when I tell them these stories, as they all think that DH is such a great person. He is always very sociable, friendly and much less likely to get annoyed with others whereas I tend to get annoyed at the slightest little thing when I'm stressed(though I never ever start shouting and swearing like he does). Because of other's reactions, I always think it must be ME with the issue. My parents live miles away and they too seem to think I'm the unreasonable one for nagging DH to do chores(mum does most things for my dad too although my dad absolutely spoils her rotten by hiring cleaners for her all her life and is the sweetest ever husband to her so a bit different to my case). Perhaps my character is masking the fact that we are actually living under tremendous pressure from DH who is not pulling his weight and always raising his voice at us and swearing etc.

Once again thanks all for advise. It's a huge burden off me just knowing that this isn't a normal situation in a typical family with children! Breathe.. get on with my life and know I can get help if I need it.

Some of the others who have answered seem a lot more tolerant then me.

I'm not sure at what point you think this behavious is going to improve, you've already tried talking to him with little effect. The behaviour he demonstrates in front of your son is teaching your son how to behave himself in future. Your partner sounds quite immature taking tha age old 'I'll improve, honest I will' stance.

I think in all honesty that you should seriously consider couples therapy, I can't understand why this would make you feel as though you're not in control. This would be your way of drawing the line in the sand and demonstrating that 'this changes or it's over'.

All you've demonstrated so far is you can be manipulated quite easily, I really think it's time to take a stand, this situation isn't going to improve without some positive action. One of you is going to have to be the adult here and it's not going to be him.

Oh Im so sorry to hear about his. I think that men are selfish creatures and want things to stay the same after baby has come along and even though you both want a child it becomes your child to deal with in this situation. I was with my (now ex husband) for 15 years. I was with him from the age of 17. I fell pregnant at 22 and he did not want the baby he said it was him or the baby and then his mum told me to get rid of the baby I was such a mess I did the wrong thing and gave into them and had a termination which now I regret big time. I should of told him to piss off then. I did not I stuck with him got married in 2004 and had my DS in 2006. I worked and my husband told me to go back to work full time so we could pay off the mortgage quicker. My DS was only 3 months old I went back to work and ended up with post natal depression I wanted to be with my son. But during working full time and looking after my DS my husband did very little to help. He would come home from work eat his tea very quickly and go upstairs to play games evey Monday, Wednesday and Thursday all night on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday he was at the gym for 2 hours a night. We fell out several times where was the time for me? Who was running the house? Did he even give a shit? I started to hate him but stayed for another 2 years and blamed my self and the PND. In the end nothing changed I left to live with my mum. He was a complete idiot. He still is! But Im now with someone whom is lovley and wants to be with me and my DS. What Im saying is that is seems like your stuck and cant go. But trust me its rough and hard going but really its better.I just remember thinking I would be better on my own without another child (husband) to look after! Maybe if you leave it will shake him up a bit? His behaviour is not right and sounds like a total prat. Dont worry about finding someone else it will happen you and you child soon to be children need better and you should. Good luck.

OMG, that all sounds awful! This is why I feel quite bad sometimes complaining because DH is probably not half as bad as that, making me wonder if I'm just being too pedantic.

DH is back to all the shouting and swearing. All I said last night was 'don't you need to dust before using the hoover?' and he went ballistic so had to calm him down. It's always to do with chores or childcare, otherwise he is the nicest tempered person in the world.

I'm sure I'd prefer it if DH just smacked DS if DS was misbehaving (DS can be quite annoying just like any other toddlers). DH is against smacking DS so when he gets really angry he always ends up grabbing DS really hard by the shoulders and swearing, which upsets me and DS. Me on the other hand, I do a controlled smack before puting DS on the naughty step whilst I go into another room to cool down, which to DS is more like 'discipline' rather than 'Mummy or Daddy going nuts on me'. I think DH needs some anger management relating to household chores and childcare.