Choosing best time to tell a friend having fertility treatment this weekend

[rubybambini]

Hello - would welcome advice on this! I discovered on Thursday that I'm 15 weeks pg (medical steroid use stopped my periods...or so I thought...). An unbelievably fantastic surprise.

However, a good friend has been trying for children for many years, and this weekend, is having donor eggs implanted. I'm hoping and hoping it works out for her.

My dilemma is when to tell her my news. I would prefer to tell her myself, rather than her finding out second-hand - she's too good a friend for that to happen.

She'll know in two weeks if her treatment is successful. Do I tell her in the next two weeks, when she could herself be pg, or after she knows her news - which could be bad news?

I can probably physically hide the bump for another few weeks, but would love to start telling other friends and family too, now.

So grateful for advice, it feels very delicate, especially at this time, for her.

The fact that you are giving this serious consideration shows what a good friend you are.

I went through IVF several times, and within that time frame my best friend got pregnant twice, which was very hard for me to deal with.

The first time I was mid treatment and I found it difficult, but I was hopeful that IVF would work, so that cushioned the blow, with the thought we might have our babys close together.

The second time she got my sister to break it to me, in as much as she said "X called to ask how I think she should bring up the fact she is pregnant again". This gave me time to compose myself, cry, rant at how unfair life was, and then react appropriately when my friend called me.

My story had a positive out come I'm pleased to say, but I think sooner rather than later is better but keep it brief and non-gushy and be prepared for your friend to treat it as bad news...irrational I know but "accidental pregnancies" are harder to take when you are trying so hard.

Good luck!

I wouldn't tell her face to face. Me and DH were TTC for a year after our first PG ended in MC. My SIL got PG in that year. I found out after she phoned my DH and told him. I was so grateful she did that. It meant I could cry and be utterly devasted in the privacy if my own home rather than her telling me face to face. If she had told me face to face, I'd have had to have pretended to have been fine about it and happy and excited but dying inside. It gave me time to get myself together and then when I did speak to her i was able to give a more approriate response than utter devastation! The good news is I got PG a few months later and now 38 weeks gone. Your friend will be happy for you but it will hurt her terribly and she will probably want to do that privately and not show you those emotions. I knew that my devastation was totally misplaced and I was being unreasonable but I couldn't help how I felt... I'm just grateful she never had to see or hear my true feelings. Good luck :)

I agree with excitedmummy2be, definately not face to face! As much as normally we want people to speak to us directly, this one of the few occassions when we want to be able to "crumple" and without having to justify/hide how much it hurts.

I knew I was being completely unreasonable, and that it didn't change anything about my situation, but especially when you are pumped full of drugs (They put you through the menopause, then over-stimulate your ovaries and finally for good measure hit you with progesterone the pregnacy hormone!) you are irrational and very emotional at the slightest thing, never mind something that is so close to your deepest hearts desire!

I also agree, the sooner the better. I had IVF (Thankfully successful) and would have prefered to have been told news like this during the treatment rather than after the 2 week wait. i think I would have found it unbearable had the treatment not been successful to then hear another person's good news, however close we were.

I also agree that face to face isn't always the best thing as it means the person hearing the news has to maybe keep natural reactions at bay. If you tell her by email or on the phone, or even by sending a card, then the other person can allow themselves a more natural instant reaction and deal with it their own way without feeling awkward.

You sound lovely by the way :) and Congratulations on your pregnancy.

INterested to read this.
I am pregnant and trying to find the right time to tell my SIL. SHe has been trying for about 7 years now and has had several MC's :(
I was going to tell her tomorrow face to face, but after what you have all said that may not be the best way.
I just thought telling her over the phone would be too impersonal :(

Qwerty I am afraid I told my SIL over email - she had been trying for 8 years compared to my 2. We both had IVF and are now both pregnant but at the time I had my successful IVF she was waiting for a second round.

I really think that there is no good way to be honest, it's probably going to hurt however you do it, but hopefully your SIL will be able to get through it and work through her feelings, specially if she feels able to talk about them with you.

How is your relationship with her anyway? Face to Face may be as good as any other way if you have a good relationship and if she has been open about her feelings re her infertility in the past.

Do you know, i think that you should just do it, text her ask her to come to you as the kettle is on and you want to catch up.

Thats what i prefer, and i am just recovering from mc number 5.
I wanna know up front and so that i can join in the joy...have a little cry and marvel at the luck that my good friends are having and acknowledge that each and every one of them will make wonderful parents. And remind myself that i would NEVER wish my misfortune on any of them, on any one if it comes to it.

I cant deny it also makes me sob inside and wrenches my heart and it takes all of my control to not scream out "fucking hell, why cant this be me, what have i done to deserve this?"

Recently declined an invite to a Christening and when my friends asked why, i was honest and said that i just didnt have the resiliance and was experiencing a bit of a baby melt down, there was no issue, they said they completely understood and to come for a coffee when i was ready, and they sent their love.
Kinda quietly understood and appreciated my feelings. First and last time i have evr let my bad luck affect me in such a public way.

Tell her x

Blimey - I've been out all afternoon and it's amazing to come back to all these considered responses.

I'm weighing up that the chances of her success are unfortunately, smaller % than not, and it would be surely far worse to tell her if she's had yet more bad news.

I've decided I've got two options. Either way, I'll catch her for tea, late afternoon one day this week (we work for the same company, different areas and different floors tho) - and when I've heard how it went for her this weekend, say something along the lines of 'can you believe we may well be pregnant together'. But if it doesn't feel right then, I'll follow up with an email that evening.

I know she's going to be happy for me / hurt whatever I do - but what's that old saying: if you've got to do something bad, do it well?

That's my plan...tonight at least. I'll let you know how it goes - any other experiences will be gratefully read =)

I'd say wait until after the weekend, no? Because she's having the egg transplant this weekend.

No.... Definatly not at work..... I wrote my circumstances on here a few op up. DH called me at work to tell me SIL was pg. I was devastated and just crumbled. I couldn't hold it together and was in floods of tears... Couldn't even speak. Was the worst possible time he could have told me. I'm sure you will do the right thing as you are being so considerate... But I think work could be a bad place x

No! Please please not at work! I had to walk out when I got some unexpected baby news, as I was so upset and it made me feel so unprofessional on top of everything else, which in turn made me feel even more pathetic and flaky! Next weekend would be ideal as Duelingfanjo points out the transfer is this weekend, so wait until she has time to deal with it privately.

Rubybambini, I can totally relate to what you are going through... A good friend of mine has been trying for years and now is doing her 4th IVF (all previous ones were unsuccessful). She is a wonderful person, however, I have observed her on a number of occassions getting very sad/viciously jealous/frustrated when other friends (all in mid 30s) got pregnant without seemingly much effort... I am very superstitious and quite sensitive about others' feelings... I just had a discussion with DH as to when to tell her, and we decided to wait until I am 18-20 weeks (I am fairly skinny so hopefully I won't show that much before)...

I think you should wait a few weeks until your gets her results... However, if the results are negative, better to probably avoid the conversation (say, you have been sick or extremely busy and be totally apologetic about it)...

I am very close to my SIL, which is why it would feel wrong not to tell her face to face.
Would it be better if my DH told her DH? They are brothers. And then he breaks the news to her, or would that come across as cold?

In early August this year a close friend told me she was PG, she knew we had been trying for a while are were going to the fertility clinic. In fact she told me they were TTC so if and when she did fall it wouldn't be too much of a shock, which was nice. When she told me she had only just found out herself (we had booked to go to Alton Towers that weekend as a birthday treat for the pair of us, but she decided she couldn't go, understandably) I called my DH had a cry, did the whole why not me thing, lifes so unfair etc.

I got a BFP 2 weeks later, doing a test beofre a clinic appointment, just to say "i'm definetly not". I was actully so positive I wasn't i did the test at work! So my PG friend was the first person to know because we work together and I was in a state of shock.

We are now due within a week of each other. I'm 14 weeks she's 15.

OP Only you know your friend here, I personally preferred being told face to face. Your friend will know you haven't done this to upset her. yes she will be upset, but will surely also be happy for you in the long run.

Good luck :)

One of my oldest and closest friends got pregnant with her second as we were about to start IVF. Out of consideration for me she kept it quiet until she was showing, by which time I'd guessed of course anyway. All our other friends knew. And after she had told me she hardly mentioned the pregnancy or the baby - it was as though she felt she was rubbing salt in wounds, when actually she was keeping the biggest thing in her life from me. I know it was with the best of intentions but she hurt me terribly and made me feel 1000 times worse than if she had just got on with it. I wanted my baby, not hers and would have been happy for her, if she had let me.
So after you've told her, act normal and involve her, I'd say.

PLEASE don't tell her at work. PLEASE. And also, please don't tell her your certain good news at the end of her story of tenuous hope.

I've been on both sides of this.

When I had to tell someone, I wrote them a card. In it I told them, and said that I realised that although they loved me and I knew they'd be happy for me, equally I knew that this would be hard news for them, and so I was writing to give them the chance and space to react however they needed to without feeling they needed to be instantly happy in front of me.

They said they really appreciated it. They'd had lots of people telling them face to face and having to do big hugs, smiles, then slope off to the toilet to weep. I also had to do that when I was on the other side of it, and it HURTS.

But please please PLEASE don't tell her at work. Also don't email her if the email will be received at work. Let her process this at home.

No, not at work. I spent a couple of hours locked in the loo at work after someone emailed me their news.

I still preferred being told by email first (rather than face-to-face). That way I could have a little cry, bang out an appropriate response and have time to pull myself together by the time I saw them. I couldn just about cope with a phone call but it was tough to croak out the right words.

I guessed that one of my friends was pregnant shortly after I had surgery for an ectopic. I couldn't help it - I just crumpled and cried. I told her "I am honestly happy for you, I am just sad for me." She is a good friend and understood - she even kept the baby talk to a minimum until I was ready to deal with it again. And I honestly was happy for her, just not able to put a brave face on the rest of it.

Don't tell her this weekend and I think tell her before her 2ww is over. If the IVF doesn't work you are going to feel even worse about telling her and by then you will be getting to the stage where you have to say something.

If you are very close then I think it is okay to tell her face-to-face but be prepared for her to cry or to not hear from her for a bit afterwards if she needs time.

When I was trying (for over two years) I preferred being told by email so I didn;t have to face anyone and they couldn;t hear my voice crack when they told me by phone - my congratulations were real but it is still hard to control the emotion. Be honest - say to her you wanted to tell her as soon as possible but you know these things can be hard to hear and to let you know if she fancies a coffee next week.

Hello there - I thought I should conclude this thread with what actually happened. Thanks everyone, for sharing advice and experiences.

I decided to email, this would've been just over a week ago now, saying along the lines of ...this is probably the last news you'd be expecting to hear from me, but...

I received a speedy and lovely reply saying 'big congratulations', so I'm convinced I did the best thing at the best time, even tho it must've been hard to read.

We've seen each other since, and very sadly, she's had bad news about her transfer - it didn't work, and they're going to try again.