new baby - what help do you actually NEED?

[gherkins]

Hi all,

My first baby is due in January and me and DH live overseas.

The plan is for him to take 2 weeks' paternity leave once the baby comes, and then to have my parents come out about 2 weeks after DH goes back to work.

Question is this - how long should they come for? This being my first, I'm not sure if it should just be a quick week-long trip to admire the new arrival (we're a 6 hour flight from the UK), or if I might need more help than this. I'm also wondering what on earth they might actually DO when they're here?! Truth is I'm worried about them getting under my feet and driving me nuts

I mean, I'll be breastfeeding, and we're lucky enough to have a cleaner who blitzes the house twice a week, so what else will actually need doing? Surely there's going to be a lot of sitting round and twiddling of thumbs? Help cooking would be great, but other than that, surely new born babies don't actually require much actual input? (I know, call me naive ).

My parents keep going on about wanting to come out for a couple of weeks and 'help', but not having ever done this before, I'm not sure whether I'll welcome the extra help, or would rather just have them out for a few days and then have some space again.

I like my parents but we live on a small compound where there is very to do, and no way for my parents to entertain themselves and go out just the two of them when I'm sleeping/feeding or whatever, as they won't be able to drive. I guess I'm just worried that we'll end up getting on top of each other in our tiny house, if they might be bored, and if they'll be driving me nuts after 48 hours!

Also - Dad wants to come as well as my Mum - that's all well and good, but won't he be a bit of a spare part? Should I get him just to come for a few days and ask my Mum to stay longer? My Dad is lovely and means well, but can be quite hard work, and finds it difficult to sit in a house and do nothing for one day, let alone several in a row.

Sorry for all the questions - would be much easier if we were in the UK and we could just get brief visits for the odd afternoon here or there, or even a weekend at a time. Just worried I'll be overwhelmed by the constant presence of visitors, even if they ARE my own family!

Yes, there'll be a lot of sitting about being bored.

But I think babies have phases when they can seem terribly demanding: when all you do is sit and feed or rock them and they just scream. This business seems to peak at around 3 weeks (and again at 6 tbh!) so having a second pair of hands to put the laundry on, take the baby for a walk so you can get some kip might be useful at around the 3 week mark.

I think it might also be nice to have someone to go out for a coffee/to the supermarket with once your DH has gone back to work. The logistics of simple trips out can be surprisingly confusing when you've just given birth! I was quite pleased when my mum came to give me a hand getting out of the house with my DD1.

Can your parents stay in a hotel maybe? It might lighten the pressure.

Cooking, washing, (esp if using washable nappies, or if you have a sicky baby), shopping, washing up/loading dishwasher... Shoulder to cry on. breastfeeding support if they are supportive - actually if they are likely to be particularly UNsupportive of BF then I would avoid them coming at all so early if you can.

Only you can know! But other than the actual babycare (which probably is a bit more full on than you are imagining ) these things will all need doing and are surprisingly difficult - not impossible, but harder than you expect - to combine with looking after a newborn, especially as you get thrown straight into it.

If you have a c-section you will not be able to drive for a while too.

Thanks Hali,

Yes - I'm sure the company and extra pairs of hands will be useful, especially if screaming seems to peak at around the 3/4 week mark (can't wait!!).

I guess I'd just prefer to be able to have company/help on the occasional day, rather than a constant presence, but that can't be helped I guess.

Hadn't thought of the hotel idea - they might be a bit offended! - but that might work so thanks for the suggestion.

The other thought I had was that perhaps they could come to us for a week or so, then take a break/holiday just the two of them to see something of the region for a week or so, and then swing past us again for a few days on their way back to the UK - just to break things up a bit...

Hhmm Bertie I see your point, I know the day-to-day stuff will be harder to manage, but without having ever had a newborn to contend with, it's hard to imagine just how hellish it will be!

Hadn't thought of the C-section problem - how long does that knock driving on the head for? (you can't LIVE in this country without a car!)

They'll be supportive of breastfeeding etc, but not sure it would be better just to have Mum on hand - would Dad feel at a bit of a loss? He could cook and help shop I guess, but I'm not sure whether these things are more of a mother-daughter bonding thing, or whether it's better to have all hands to the deck!

Having someone to talk to might be surprisingly welcome Newborns are cute but you don't get much out of them - the first few weeks are pretty much give, give, give, so if you get on ok with your folks you might find it a relief to be able to offload.

Tell them to bring a lot of crossword books or similar Good luck with the birth and enjoy your baby! It's such a special time :)

Hi Gherkins,
I live in France and am due in 3 weeks.
We have decided that my parents are going to come when the baby is 2 weeks old for about 5 days. We live in a small house too, and much as I loves my parents, too much longer than that I'm sure we will all get bored / on each other's nerves.

I will have one week in hospital (c-section), then want a week at home with DP and baby to bond a bit and get him into a routine.
Also we are going back to the UK at Xmas, to stay with my parents (they have a much bigger house, so not so bad and also we have lots of friends to visit too.) so I am not that bothered about them only coming for a few days.

You are very lucky having your cleaner twice a week. make sure you have plenty of babygros and things, so that you will last till she comes to do the laundry, then invest in a Deep freezer and cook some meals in advance.

Your idea of them breaking up their visit into manageable chunks with a visit of the area in the middle is a great one.

Just make sure they do all the little things like make their own meals, teas / coffees, clear up after themselves etc. They shouldn't be creating any extra work for you & your DH.

Re. the dad thing, my mum died many years ago and my dad has been really great with me since DS was born. We live in different cities so I don't see him day-to-day, but it's been fascinating chatting about how he found new parenthood, and he was very relaxed about me breastfeeding as well, which helped me to relax.

Thanks Romilly - and good luck with your imminent birth!

Your plan re your parents sounds great, especially if you are going to see them again at Xmas. 5 days is probably just about right.

Sure my parents will do lots to help (they aren't the type to sit around and expect to be waited on...if anything the problem will be getting them just to sit down and just chill out!).

Cyteen - yes I know I'll welcome adult company and someone to chat to during the day. I guess I'll just have to tell them to bring LOADS of books and prepare themselves for a lot of sitting around

Hi Gherkins

I'm so pleased I found your thread! I'm in a very similar situation: due first baby on 10th Feb and living overseas. (Where are you by the way?) I'm in Botswana. And feelinga lot of the same confusions as you are. It's also made more tricky by not knowing when things will happen, being a first baby and all!

I think I'm going to suggest my parents come out for probably the 1st week in march. DP doesn't get paternity leave, but will take holiday for the first week or so. Do you know how long you'll have to be in hospital? Obviously you won;t know really, but is there a policy of a certain number of nights after a routine delivery etc?

I was wondering about getting them to stay in a hotel but I'm not sure how they'll take that.

We also have a cleaner who comes in 3 mornings a week, I know that will seem weird to a lot of people, but it's very much the norm here. So there won;t be the usual washing up, washing, tidying to do.

Hope everything goes well for you!

all sounds perfect to me. i have to admit i was quite bored with a newborn - he did just sleep and eat for the first couple of weeks, then he was more unsettled and grizzly but as hard (but only in the evenings) but what i needed then was to deal with it myself to work out what was going to settle him in the long run. it was nice to have someone to sit with him while i had a shower etc so i didn't have to wait for him to be asleep - sods law he would wake up and complain just as i got in the shower! and i didn't like to leave him on his own in his cot when he was awake. i also found it easier to sort out breastfeeding just being on my own - nobody else is going to do it for you and if you have any issues then a trained breastfeeding expert would be best to give you advice (or mn!) i have memories of sitting in a nursing chair in the small hours with no distractions trying to get things to settle down and that was the best time for me. the only thing i struggled with were the practical household stuff - i like to do everything myself but was very aware that if i didn't stop and rest my body wouldn't recover as well as it should.

so long as you have your expectations laid out with your parents well in advance then sounds like you've got it all sorted! as great as it was to have husband and family around for company i really looked forward to just being on my own so i could sort out my own routine and settle down to looking after baby.

Hi Gherkins, if your parents aren't going to create lots of work for you (running round after them), I'd definitely consider having them over for a few weeks.

My mum came out for 1 month and it was great. I found that I was quite bored with a sleepy newborn. When my mum got here, we took DS out in the car or sling while we went sightseeing and had a whale of a time. As long as DS was on the move or being fed, he was happy!

On the hotel thing, my mum actually suggested that her and Dad will stay in a hotel or b&b when they came, as she said "you don't want to be worrying about us being awake as well when the baby is screaming at 1 am, 3am, 5am and 7am" - i.e. you can dress up the "maybe you could to stay in a hotel" as a "it will be more relaxing for you, less pressure for me" sort of thing. There is no point having four sleep deprived adults in the house - if your parents are staying at a hotel, they can get a good night's sleep and therefore be much better able to help you out so you can have a kip in the day.

FWIW, I've banned all overnight visitors for that very reason. I also don't want to be worrying about having to ensure I'm fully dressed when I waddle to the bathroom leaking milk and loccia at 3am.

My parents are in the U.S. and DH's are 3.5 hours away in the UK and can't travel, so we were on our own (new area, didn't really know anyone). We managed fine with no help, even though I'd had a EMCS.

My mom and her husband came over when DS was about 10 weeks, and that was much better than having them earlier. I had time to learn by myself and was quite confident. Not driving for 6 weeks was hard, but it seemed to fly by in a haze of BFing on the sofa for hours and hours.

I wish he was as easy now! 13 months, and I need another person to hold him down whilst changing his nappy, and he is walking and into everything!

Hi Canoe,

Glad someone else is in the same boat as me! I'm in the Middle East, and as you say, it's common here to have regular house help, so - just like you - I won't need any help with the usual cleaning/laundry/ironing etc. Which is great, obviously, but just leaves me wondering what visitors will actually DO

Not sure how long in hospital, but I think that even after a normal delivery here, women have 2 to 3 nights in the hospital after birth.

I imagine in Botswana there will at least be a lot for your visitors to do? Markets, driving around, bit of sightseeing etc. Where I am in the Middle East it's a bit more restrictive. I think your plan sounds great.

Naturalbaby - yes, I'm on the same page as you, not sure I want an audience while I get to grips with feeding and babycare etc. My Mum certainly, but not sure about undertaking all this under the same roof as my Dad, might be a bit weird!

Santa - good idea on the hotel front, dress it up as being for 'their' sanity, rather than mine

Scroobi - is the general vote for Mums to stay longer then?

Has anyone else had experience of their Mum AND Dad both descending on them overseas - how did it all go?

My Dad is great, but not very self-sufficient at amusing himself with DVDs or books, he'll be wanting to get involved in every stage and I'm worried it will all be a bit suffocating.

Hi there - I also wondered what could possibly take up so much time as everyone said...until I had my daughter! Everything just takes ages to do when you are constantly interrupted by a little baby needing feeding, nappy changing, cuddling, cleaning up sick etc, and you'll probably be very sleep deprived. Also breast feeding can take it out of you. It's fantastic to have someone there to give you a break and cook your food/let you get some sleep/take a turn trying to sooth a screaming baby while you have a shower etc! I'd often get to 2pm and not have had chance to eat or drink anything... And with all those hormones whizzing around you might need some emotional support, and that can take you by surprise.

That makes it sound awful, it isn't, it's amazing, but it's also unbelievably exhausting.

I was absolutely determind to breast feed, but for medical reasons I could only do so for a few weeks, so I'd recommend being prepared just in case you do have to resort to bottle feeding.

My parents were brilliant once DH went back to work. I looked forward to each visit (they only live 30 minutes away) so that I could catch up on some sleep as newborns wake up every 2 or 3 hours at night. I'd keep a fairly open mind if you can about how much help you want.

All the best with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth!