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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling the family I'm pregnant

22 replies

LittleMissFirstTimeMummy · 28/09/2010 13:46

I had my dating scan yesterday so as a simple way to let the members of my family who didn't know (i.e. my mum and one of my sisters) I sent a text/email, together with a scan photo. I had previously discussed this with my sister and she was actually the one who suggested this method and I agreed that it would be a nice surprise.

It seems, however, that at least one of my other sisters (I have 4) was not impressed and said she would have preferred a phonecall and that I'd pissed other people off with the text/email.

I absolutely hate being the centre of attention and do not have the energy to answer the same questions over and over again (it would have been 6 phonecalls to tell immediate family on my side alone). I just wanted people to know, was this the wrong way to tell them?

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Iklboo · 28/09/2010 13:49

First - congratulations!

It'd be fine with me. If your sisters are paying your phone bill, then they demand you telephone each of them personally and impart the news. Until then, they should be grateful you didn't just wait and send them a list of what you want for the baby's first birthday.

(Can you tell I don't do families)

MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 13:50

Sorry, but I would have been a little upset about receiving a text with this news from a close family member. I rarely speak on the phone to my brother, we text or email but he did phone me with the news that his DP was expecting a baby.

I guess that younger folk (trying to think of a way to say this without sounding ancient and failing to do so) are less used to text being used to impart important and personal news so would be less impressed by it.

ShowOfHands · 28/09/2010 13:50

Getting pregnant and adding a new member of the family is a very personal and joyful thing. Texts/emails are deeply impersonal.

cazzybabs · 28/09/2010 13:52

Your baby it is up to you how you tell people...

BecauseImWorthIt · 28/09/2010 13:54

Up to you how you tell people, but you do need to be sensitive to other people's expectations - and it was a bit unrealistic to assume that everyone would be happy with this.

And what's six phonecalls? It's your family, not the Inland Revenue you're calling!

Marchpane · 28/09/2010 13:55

What SOH said.

Follow up with a phone call. And start getting used to the fact you are not just having a baby but a grandchild/niece or nephew and everyone will have questions and interest and you just have to put up with it. Particularly as the alternative to interest is disinterest which is so much worse.

Congratulations btw

Francagoestohollywood · 28/09/2010 13:57

I would never consider to text my mother and close relatives such big news, but as MmeLindt said, I'm from a different generation . Plus, I needed to debrief the whole pregnancy thing with friends and family.

ShowOfHands · 28/09/2010 14:09

My Mum would have been so hurt to find out that she was going to have a grandchild by email/text. I dream of the day my dd comes to me and tells me she's going to be a Mum. Makes me tearful thinking about it. What a beautiful and special moment rendered mundane by the method of telling.

It is of course your news to do with as you wish but their feelings are hurt and I can see why.

MadAboutQuavers · 28/09/2010 14:15

Firstly, congratulations and welcome to the club

Secondly, I would not have dreamt of telling my family by email/text. It looks far too casual, and far too dismissive of their feelings about such an important bit of news.

I actually drove 2 hours to my mum and dad's house to tell them face-to-face, because I thought even a phonecall was too impersonal.

I don't think your sister's advice to do this by text was the best, to be honest. Just my opinion.

Original poster

LittleMissFirstTimeMummy · 28/09/2010 14:19

I had already told my mum weeks before, so that is not really an issue. I am not particularly close with the rest of my family and so felt an all-encompassing communication would be the best (thereby avoiding the 'who did she tell first/last?' conversations). Clearly this hasn't worked out .

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feedmenow · 28/09/2010 14:23

I don't see a problem with this at all.

The most important people are you and your dp, then probably your mum. If you 3 all knew (difficlut for you not to have known!) then how you tell others is your choice entirely.

Having a baby is really personal and how much or just how you want to talk about it is entirely up to you!

The people that love you should surely respect your actions and just be happy for you.

Good luck! xxx

MmeLindt · 28/09/2010 14:23

Don't worry too much about it. At the end of the day, they know now. Phone them up and apologise for not ringing them and put it behind you.

Muser · 28/09/2010 14:26

It's done, don't worry. I can understand why you did it that way if you're not very close. I am close to family so either told in person or called them. I also purposefully called all my closest friends to tell them, rather than email/text. As some of them I only ever speak to that way unless we're meeting up they were a bit shocked for me to be calling. But they all said how they were really happy I'd done it. I think people do appreciate the personal touch on big news like that.

The way to get round the length of time on the phone thing is to do the basic questions: when's it due, how are you feeling, and then say you have so many people to call so have to go. I don't think I was on the phone for more than 5 minutes with most.

warthog · 28/09/2010 14:28

fine. i don't see the problem.

i phoned my mum. i haven't even told my brother yet and going for my scan next week. can't be arsed really, and don't think he can either!

ShowOfHands · 28/09/2010 14:33

Sorry, confused as you listed your mum in the op as one of the people who didn't know.

In my family if you tell my grandma something, she will tell the whole family for you in a matter of minutes. Problem solved.

lilly13 · 28/09/2010 14:38

I don't blame you. I told my mom, but I haven't told the rest of my family, and I don't plan to even do it myself as I want to avoid unnecessary lengthy phone calls and unsolicited advice... I am so stressed out and worried with my first pregnancy that I cannot be bothered to keep up with the appropriate etiquette. At the end of the day, I think this is very personal choice, and really depends on how close you are with your relatives, and what they are like... I have some gossipers in my distant family and some cousins who would be simply jealous of me. I am also quite traditional and believe in evil eye, and will definitely not let them know my news for as long as I can... And I certainly will not call them myself . I could appreciate what other people wrote here and I see their point of view. However, do not let this bother you. It is your pregnancy, your wellbeing and your baby, and your choice how and when to inform people... No one should judge you. Good luck!

pinkgrasshopper · 28/09/2010 14:48

We decided to wait and tell friends in person. Due to busy lives this has meant that we are still telling people now at 19 weeks! It's great though, because we get to celebrate the news over and over again..!

Original poster

LittleMissFirstTimeMummy · 28/09/2010 14:49

Ah, I meant to say to tell the members of my family who didn't know (except my mum and one of my sisters). My sister is a midwife, so she was the first to know as I had some complications and then my mum. I was letting the rest of the family know.

OP posts:

PixieCake · 28/09/2010 14:49

It's totally up to you and depends on the relationship you have with your family. If this is how you would have communicated other types of big news (eg getting engaged, moving abroad) then I don't see why a pregnancy would be any different.

One thing that I am learning though is that people get sooo sensitive about anything pregnancy related - we have had all sorts of unforseen problems with: who we tell things to first (my parents or MIL/FIL, whether we tell them the sex, whether we want them to visit in the hospital or not, friends reacting badly (jealousy) etc etc. I even had my MIL get in a strop when she found out I was having a c section by choice!

It's a minefield of managing other people's emotions and it's driving me a bit crazy!!!

pinkgrasshopper · 28/09/2010 14:50

ps. the exception to this has been friends & family in the States and Australia. The Aussie contingent may have had a bit of a shock had we simply pitched up at a wedding we're going to down there next year, with a 8 month old...

1Catherine1 · 28/09/2010 15:11

I told my sister by phone and my best friend through e-mail. I even told my OH over the phone since he was visiting his family in Spain at the time I got my BFP. I did wonder if this was the best way to tell him he was going to be a papa but I knew he would want to share the news with his family in person. That he did within 10 minutes of me telling him.

I live a 6 hour drive from my closest family. I considered telling my parents by phone but it didn't seem right and I believed I'd get a better response by telling them in person. I drove up one weekend to see them and luckily my brother was visiting too so I was able to tell my whole immediate family together. The next day I visited my grandparents and told them too.

It is important to be sensitive to how others feel about things when communicated via more modern methods. A phone call to my sister and OH was fine because we all live on computers, phone etc. This didn't change how angry my sister got when she discovered I was "in a relationship" via facebook. In retrospect that was insensitive of me since that is how it should have been communicated to acquaintances not family. Regardless of whether it was solely my business or not. I do understand why some of your relatives are upset since I'm sure they would have loved to share their joy with you which is not always possible in a text message. If you wanted to avoid the same questions over and over you maybe should have invited them to dinner via text message or gone out for a meal to tell them. That way its just one big conversation and celebration.

It is too late now to change the way you chose to do it and I am not saying the way you did it was wrong. I just can see the point of view of your family. However that said, I've told my parents, grandparents, brother and sister in person or by phone. My aunts, uncles, cousins, other brother, my dad's mum and friends can all learn of the news when I decide to announce it on facebook. Only the most important people to you and to your LO deserve the personal touch.

bundlebelly · 28/09/2010 15:36

I think that it is a lovely idea to send a photo, and you shouldn't feel bad about how you told them. Personally I think that anyone who replies to your news with anything but a big congratulations is being selfish. This shouldn't be about them. This is a special time for YOU. Don't let anyone wreck it. Family relationships can be complex and stressy, not everyone has the fairytale advert family. We do what we can with what we've got. Congratuations to you. Enjoy your pregnancy!

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