when you don't feel the desire

[Batha]

My huband of 10 years wants to have a child. When we were married we agreed we wouldn't have children. He was 39, I was 22. He is now out of work - I don't know if the longing for a family is his response. I fobbed him off and when he realized that I was just pretending to think about it he has cut me off from himself. I'm not pretending to think about it. I just don't feel any desire or need for children. The logistics of being pregnant and giving birth worry me- I seem to be missing something. What do I do?

What you do is not have a child if you don't want one. Be honest with him.

I don't not want one and I don't want one. That's the problem. I do not feel either way positioned. I was brought up to believe a marriage was for life. His desires have to matter. However, when my sister and I were in our teens, we had to bring our brother up because our mother was sick. I know night terrors and bottle feeding and potty training. I was really hoping that there was a magical hormone that convinced you all this and giving birth was ok and tha I was just missing it

I don't think I have a year or two years to convince my husband it will all work out alright. As maybe backward as it seems, I have an obligation to the family that we have come together and created - even though, at ths point there are no children.

His desires have to matter

Well so, they don't have to, But if you feel that way, so do yours. This is a really hard one to compromise to, to be honest.

Because you either have a child & hope it all turns out OK, that you don't resent it, or regret having it (and don't believe anyone who says you don't regret having babies. You do. I am a 'regret' & have suffered a lot)

Or he doesn't have a child & lives his life wondering 'what if' and maybe resenting you because you won't have one. Or he leaves you to find someone to have a baby with.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children. It doesn't mean you are incomplete or anything. Some women just don't want them.

It sounds to me like you are resigned to having a child you don't want.

I cannot implore you enough not to do it, if you don't want to. DO NOT bring a child into this world that is only wanted by 1 parent!

The fall out is horrible.

Unwanted is not the question. In my time there have been spray-painted cats(
[green for whatever reason]I named her Gaybo), run over kittens (broken tail and leg, named Hopalong Csssidy), naked chickens (the Henriettas) and blinded quail. My little brother seemed to scream for four years-my sister and I, at 11 and 15, managed it. Anything that has come into my home has been both loved and given everything needed. Unwanted is not the question. Wanting is the problem. I feel so isolated

Batha, I too didn't want children - in fact could not imagine anything worse: Career-wrecking, social life-imparing, screaming, joyless exercise.

Then this year, aged 36, I conceived by accident after a one night stand. I had to do a LOT of thinking. About how my life would be in 10, 20 years with or without children, whether I would be strong enough to raise a child on my own for the next 18 years (if it came down to that), whether I would resent it for 'ruining my life', or actually, whether it would bring something extra to my existence.

I decided to go ahead. It's not been a bed of roses, in fact the worst thing is still the unknown - will I have a baby like your brother who 'screamed for four years' or will I have a very laid-back baby? Who knows... ultimately, it's the hardest decision to make when the variables are completely random.

What I'm saying is I never had an overt desire for children until it happened. I think that is quite normal. It's also completely normal to not want to have children. Sometimes pets are a great alternative!

Can you talk to your husband about where this change-of-mind has come from? Perhaps you could use some form of mediation (ie couples counselling) to find out more about where you both stand?

I had assumed that his change of mind was biological need combined with loss of identity and that, well really, its normal for people to want children.
I am the one with the career-and I am lucky, if I am pregnant it won't really affect it.

So it seems so silly to be dithering. I have everything a woman should need. a stay at home husband, a relatively decent salary.. I also have a mother in law in her mid 70s who between the athritis and the eye occlusion will be moving in with us sooner rather than later.
I have a husband who I love, but it appears not enough to have his child. This is tearing us apart because frankly neither of us can believe, deep down, that motherhood is not instinctual-especially when I am such a good mother figure to everyone around me.

Batha, I'm sure you've considered it but I'll say it anyway. Looking after someone else's child is not the same as looking after your own, you feel totally differently about your own.

I would have done anything for my son when he was a baby, and still would now he's 3. He was a very screamy unhappy baby but I did all the hours and hours of night feeds etc and didn't resent it. On the other hand, as much as I love my neices and nephews, the times I've had them overnight when they were babies have done my head in. I love them, yet I can't be bothered with them getting up at night, it really annoyed me and seemed ten times worse than my own son doing it.

You have an unconditional love for your own kids that you don't have for other kids, even the ones in your immediate family.

Can I just say that raising your OWN child is nohing like raising a sibling.

I seem to have very little patience for other peoples children, even my own nephews! But I haveall the time in the world for my own, my life is totally devoted to them and nothing makes me happier. Its hard work but it just comes together.

Batha, my personal opinion is that you and your DH do have to sit down and discuss this but expect that a middle ground will not be possible. You have to evalute the actual reasons for you not wanting a child.

Through your many posts on this thread you don't seem to have a definite reason so could it just be that you don't want to do the mother business. That is perfectly fine but you need to admit it if it is the case. If you just don't want to redo the years looking after your brother I would take note of sarahscot and TotorosOcarina post since although I don't know it to be true every mother I've ever spoke to assures me it is.

Just to address the comment "I have a husband who I love, but it appears not enough to have his child." I don't think you are being fair on yourself. The decision to have children has to be agreed between the two of you. I decided a long time before my OH that I was ready for a baby and then months later (I swear I didn't nag him since it was his choice too) he randomly brought it up again and told me he was ready. Personally I think it is unfair of your husband to put you on the spot like that and expect you to make a life changing decision overnight.

Good luck coming to your decision. It's not like your getting a dog now, you are allowed to take your time over this one. And if you decide it really isn't what you want you have to be honest. That said, I know a couple who disagreed about having more children, the father wanted more but the mother didn't. She went ahead with the op so she couldn't have any more children and although they are still together the father has still not forgiven her for it (over 20 years ago). They still have a good relationship but I don't think he will ever get over this completely.

Someone once slipped up and said "you'd be a great mammy" (by slipped up I mean that most people assume we don't have children because we can't, so I could see the poor fellow instantly regret what he had just said). I spend my life being a "mammy" to everyone around me, but I don't seem to have the urge to actually create life. That's really my only reason on the no side. It always seemed to me that, in this one area, you should only do it if you really want to because it's so important.
I think I had just always assumed that a "proper" woman just had an overriding urge and that I was missing that element and so was defective.

Hi Batha
I don't know if my situation is similar to yours. When i was really young - 8 - i loved kids and helped my mum look after my youngest sis who is 4 yrs younger than me. And then for some reason - generally i was good at looking after kids and went through phase at gcse and older where aunts/ uncles requested for me to look after their kids. I did the whole potty training, feeding , etc. At first it was okay but then started to not like it and because couldn't get out of it, in the end HATED it with a passion!!! Did it right up to leaving university. After university, I didn't look after any kids and when i did, I hated it. This made me worried as i felt no urge to have a child because i was tired of mothering and wanted to have my life not filled with the troubles, responsibilities of looking after others. When i turned 32, i suddenly got the urge to get pregnant which i did reasonably quick. But as time progressed, i became worried that i wouldn't enjoy/ like my child as i hated looking after kids - i'd had enough. But as the others have said, looking after your own child is different to others. You "fall in love" with them like you do with a partner except it happens relatively quickly and instead of thinking "Oh gosh they are crying again! I have to do x, x", you think, "Oh no why are they crying? Are they hurt?" To summarise, i love my child and don't regret having her at all and love looking after her. I think my experience influenced had a big influence about my decision not to have kids but luckily, i suppose instinct took over otherwise, i wouldn't have bothered!

If you don't want to have kids because of the experience of looking after your bro, then it is worth knwoing that your own child is different to any other child. But if the reason you don't wnat to have children is because you don't then that is fine but worth having a think about why you don't so you know if it isi because of the past or because you have no desire to be a mum and also as suggested to discuss with partner. You'd be surprised how understanding he maybe about it all.

I am sorry for rumbling but feel for you. hugs

I think you need to talk about it and actually think about what it all means - e.g. might your husband resent you if you say definitely no? Or what if you change your mind in a few years and then maybe can't get pregnant - would you resent yourself?