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Original poster

How to respond to this text?

28 replies

WriterofDreams · 21/09/2010 22:08

Hi all,

My baby is due on Christmas Day (yes I know excellent planning on my part Hmm) and my parents who live in another country are planning to come over on the 1st of January (it's my first baby). I don't have a fantastic relationship with my mother but we have worked things out in the last year or so and we get along fine. Given that I know I'll be tired and worn out I've asked my parents to stay in a b and b rather than in the house with us. My mum seemed a bit surprised at first but now she seems ok with it. However, I just got a text from my sister (who I am NOT close to) asking why they're not staying with me and that how I treat my mum hurts her.

I don't know how to respond because my sister turns everything around to make out it's my fault. What could I say back to her?

OP posts:
lucy101 · 21/09/2010 22:10

Well done to you for standing up for yourself and making sure they are in a B&B. It really has nothing to do with your sister. I would probably just not reply, I am guessing that whatever you reply will start an argument. Do you think that is what your mother/sister wants? I am guessing your mother has told your sister that she is unhappy about it. I think you just need to quietly sail on and stick to your guns!

TeamEdward · 21/09/2010 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeamEdward · 21/09/2010 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe · 21/09/2010 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 21/09/2010 22:14

Thanks girls, I was thinking it's probably best to ignore it too but the text has really riled me up and it's going to be hard to keep quiet. My sister only criticises me. This is the first text she's sent in months and there isn't a hi or how are you, just an attack.

OP posts:
DomesticG0ddess · 21/09/2010 22:15

Ignore it. If she actually asks you face to face, or on the phone, then you can just tell her the truth: that you can't cope with guests while you're trying to bf, recover from labour, bond with your baby, etc etc, but would love your mother to meet the new baby.

JBsmama · 21/09/2010 22:16

"Fuck off, it's nothing to do with you. If mum has a problem with it she can speak with me herself as she's a grown-up."

Sorted.

cardamomginger · 21/09/2010 22:17

If that's the case, I'd definitely ignore it then! Hard to do, I know.... Grin

DomesticG0ddess · 21/09/2010 22:18

X post with you - definitely ignore it. My DH's sister is similar with all members of her family. We just ignore anything she sends (emails in her case). Makes her even more cross, which is quite amusing. And although sometimes in the past I have been DESPERATE to say something back, I am now really glad that I haven't.

LittlePoot · 22/09/2010 09:33

How about 'Yes, thanks - me and the baby are doing just fine. Hope all's well with you too'?

But that might just be my mischievous hormones talking....

For what its worth, I think you're absolutely right not to offer them to stay at your house - quite likely the baby won't even have come by the time they arrive so there's no way of knowing where you will be. Hope all goes really well for you and that Auntie-to-be gets her priorities straight soon. x

pinkgrasshopper · 22/09/2010 09:48

The fact that she made this comment by text just shows how immature she is being in interfering with a situation that is none of her business. Take a deep breath, delete it and be assured that you are absolutely doing the right thing re. the B&B!!

lilmamma · 22/09/2010 10:00

as littlepoot said,you might not have even had the baby by then,are they planning on staying down until you have the baby.

As for your sister,couldnt she put your parents up,until after the birth,seems as she feels the need to be involved..

good luck..

eaglewings · 22/09/2010 10:00

Could it be the cost of a B&B that's the problem? I have my friends Mum to stay when she has a new baby so her Mum is close but not under her feet 24/7. My friend knows she wouldn't cope with her mum in her house.

It seems quite common to have a strained relationship with your mum, you are not alone.

Your needs as new Mum are the most important!!

batsforlashes · 22/09/2010 10:23

Honestly there is no way in the world that I would expect my mother to fly in from another country specifically to see me and my new baby and have them stay in a B&B.

I would prefer them to stay for a shorter time but stay with us or else come a bit later when things settle down.

With regards your sister, ignore the text by all means but I would certainly take it that it was in response to your mum being a bit offended.

SkiHorseWonAWean · 22/09/2010 10:29

I have a shit relationship with my family.

Since having my son in July it seems the balance of power has shifted - my parents will do anything to be part of his life. Wink

My mum has already visited and stayed in a hotel. She's coming over again in a fortnight (I live abroad too) and once again she will be staying in a hotel. Those are my rules.

My sister whom I've not spoken to in a few years after a series of vitriolic emails wrote to me when I got out of hospital telling me to "put the past behind me and move on for the sake of her nephew" Hmm. I have not acknowledged her mail.

I am in control of my life - and whilst my son is still a "babe in arms", I have control of his too!

castleonthehill · 22/09/2010 11:36

ignore it. I found out my mum who I don't really get on with was pay one or us off against the other now both me and my sister ignore my our mum we get on a bit better. Not perfect but enough to just about spend the day with her.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 22/09/2010 12:14

Does your sister often put herself in the position of intermediary between you and your mum? If so, it says a lot more about her, than about your relationship with your mother. Ignore, or civily tell your sister it's not anything to do with her.

I think a B&B is the right decision at that time, particularly if you don't really get on well with your mum. Even if you did, having someone staying in the house can be very fraught when you're reeling with the shock of a new baby and being a parent, feeding, waking round the clock, etc!

Mine is due on Boxing Day. The embarassing thing is, that I miscalculated and thought we'd managed to avoid the 'danger month' the month before! Blush I can count, honestly.

Muser · 22/09/2010 12:21

Ignore the text. When my second nephew was born my brother gently told us that unfortunately they would not be able to have any of us to stay straight after the birth. We all completely understood this. They needed time and space, my SIL would be recovering from a cs, getting breastfeeding started, and my other nephew would be adjusting to his new baby brother. Definitely not the time to worry about house guests.

They gave us details of nearby b&bs. My sister drove up and back in a day (3-4 hour trip), my mum and my dad both stayed in b&bs, I stayed with friends who lived nearby. We visited for short periods of time, made our own cups of teas, brought supplies if needed, and then buggered off.

Why can't people realise that having a new baby is a difficult time and the last thing any new parent needs is to be hosting visitors? I will be having the same rule when our baby arrives next year. We have a tiny flat, there is no way I am having people sleeping on the living room floor while I'm trying to work out what the hell to do with this new baby.

PJen · 22/09/2010 13:47

Has your sister ever had a child? If not tell her to talk about something she understands. After birth you will need at least 6 weeks to recover completely and you will be possibly bleading and not getting sleep, etc. Besides, the baby won't let your parents sleep and it can be very annoying to have them around each time the kid wakes up.. Just in a polite way tell her mind her own business. If you don't respond, she thinks she made a great point, etc. I would respond and tell her that she doesn't understand what she is talking about!

DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2010 13:49

I would respond by calling her. Maybe by actually having to speak to you she won't act like such an arse.

pinkbasket · 22/09/2010 13:50

Ignore her. Hope the pregnancy goes well.

MrsGangly · 22/09/2010 13:51

My sister does things like this too. I would just ignore it. Don't answer, don't bring it up with your mum, don't do anything.

I think you are being completely reasonable. It is stressful having family to stay and staying with family so this allows you all a bit of space and you don't need to worry about waking them up in the night when the new baby cries.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 22/09/2010 14:07

Thanks for your messages everyone they really helped. I was advised by loads of people not to have my parents stay and even though my mum seemed a bit put off when I first said it, she didn't give me any inkling after that that she was annoyed about it.

I know a lot of people gave good advice not to text back but I couldn't resist and I did. Like one poster said, I felt that ignoring her would give her more ammunition and I felt compelled to defend myself. I texted back that my mum could talk to me herself if she has a problem and that I consider it hurtful that the first text I get from my sister in months is an attack.

Basically she then went on and on that I was punishing my mum for something (I don't know what) and that I should just let it go (again I don't know what). I suffered very badly from depression last year and my mum wasn't very supportive but there was no blow up or anything and while my mum and I are a little distant from one another I wouldn't say our relationship is awful.

As someone asked, yes my sister does often interfere in my relationship with my mother. She treats my mother like a child and also acts like I am out to get her when really I'm not. At the same time she totally unjustifiably treats my dad like shit. I have never ever once commented on that as I feel it's none of my business.

The cost isn't an issue - my parents have plenty of money. Also they can't come over later as my mother is a teacher and so has to come in the Christmas holidays. The earliest she'd be able to come after that is February.

I am so angry at my sister that I'm seriously considering just ignoring her from now on. We have never had a good relationship and to be honest I don't get her at all - she's very strange.

OP posts:
warthog · 22/09/2010 14:10

i would ignore. if you can't do that consider blocking her number. drastic but she doesn't seem to add anything to your life.

BalloonSlayer · 22/09/2010 14:11

Where does your sister live?

Can she stay with your sister when they come over?