Am I expecting too much from midwife?

[germl]

Well, I've already posted about the attitude to my request for ELCS after ECS last time (eg they are pushing hard for a VBAC which has upset me greatly, but I can deal with this by talking to the consultant at a later date and seeing my GP in the meantime to deal with the anxiety). However, I was wondering if maybe I am expecting too much from my local midwifery team who will be doing all the other antenatal appointments at 25, 28, 30, 32, 34, 36, 38 and 40 weeks?

Basically, had an appointment last Friday and we did the whole urine test, BP and listening to the baby's heartbeat (I am 18 weeks btw) and then she about my appointment with consultant/registrar. I said they were very much for VBAC and how I wasn't really happy with that as I think a ELCS would be best (for reasons I didn't go into) - her response well, "Well they won't do it then". I replied that when I had gotten back to my car I had a panic attack - she said "You'll have to speak to them about that". I was shocked and disheartened to say the least and left pretty sharpish. I checked my notes and nothing was put in there about my apparent anxiety and that I had told her I had had a panic attack.

I know I have maybe blown this out of proportion - after all, plenty of time to sort out everything and it won't be the local midwives who make the decision etc, but I did think that maybe I would get a bit of advice/sympathy. The sympathy bit sounds pathetic actually, but I was really shocked. Am I being naive and expecting too much?

I sound so needy but this is really getting to me - how the hell am I going to be able to do 22 more weeks....arrrgggghhh! Sorry it's so long!

You are expecting too much. You are only 18 weeks along! You are getting way more midwife appointments than you get in my area. What did you expect her to do? Phone up the consultant and tell them off for upsetting you? There is really nothing she can do about it - its not like she is in charge of these decisions.
If they are going to push for you to have a VBAC then you will have to try and keep calm about it - try a hypnobirthing class.

Thankyou - I am going to get this thread deleted as I feel really stupid. Just realised I am not really ready to talk about how I feel as I am not in a great place mentally and this is not the place to talk about it probably. Anyway, have to go as I have a GP appointment.

Thankyou again.

germl don't get this thread deleted!

I was disappointed with my first midwife appointment too, and when I voiced some concerns (I had pain for about ten hours, which I now just have all the time but am used to) they really weren't interested.

However, they did flag it up. I think that you should expect them to put things in your notes that could be relaven tin the future, like panic attacks.

But don't expect too much sympathy - from what I've seen, they're very busy, have seen it all before, and simply want to get you in and out as safely and quickly as possible. That's not a bad thing - it just means that those of us who may need a bit more hand-holding (due to panic attacks or in my case, persistent paranoia!) have to find it from somewhere else.

Bear in mind that midwives only have fifteen minutes for your appointment and there is also an element of "that's not my job" when it comes to consultant decisions. We can't make the decision and we have no influence over these things and sometimes you can FEEL a woman beginning to think that you can do stuff for her you can't do, and when you feel that the impulse is very strong to quickly nip that in the bud! Also she may just have dealt with something really awful so maybe she just didn't have patience with your concerns at that point in time? (Not acceptable but midwives are human).

FWIW I have been a midwife for years and have NEVER heard of anyone being forced into a VBAC they didn't want. You'll get you ELCS but do listen to the consultant's reasons for recommending VBAC - they don't recommend it to meet targets or prove points, if they ecommend it it will be because they truly believe it will be a better option for you. As you are seeking their advice, you should at least take time to consider it. Best of luck!!

Don't get this thread deleted - you are anonymous after all!! & it may help you at least identify how and why you are feeling this way.
The problem is that its hard to understand what you do expect from your midwife. As I read it, she has said that if you don't want a VBAC they won't do one? Isn't that the correct reply?
I'm not sure everyone would want sympathy from their midwife (I might find it a bit patronising - i prefer to see things as medical conditions and at least pretend to people that I'm strong enough to deal with them without sympathy - then I breakdown on husband/best mate etc)
Ad I don't think you can expect advise from her (presumably about handing the anxiety you feel about this birth after the last one?) unless you ask for it.
You say you sound needy - we all have about as many needs as each other, but some people are good at breaking things down into specific needs - then getting each need met at the best place. If you say you are not ready to talk about things you are probably still in the 'breaking the issue down' phase. I don't think that from what you told her she had enough to go on to be able to help as much as you would like - even if she could/would.
I agree - in a perfect world she could have probed a bit more to try and establish if you wanted/needed more help and advice, but who here lives or works in a perfect world?

Hi germi,

Sorry to hear about your unsympathetic midwife and your panic attack.

You will find lots os support on here, both for your ELCS request and for the feelings of panic etc.

My midwife is also a bit brash. I too am having an ELCS and she just sucks in her breath whenever I mention it. She really doesn't approve- and I really don't care. What I do care about is my consultant's opinion and I have found him to be really understanding.

I think you just find out along the way which healthcare professionals are going to be your allies, and which ones you will just go through the motions with. I just go to my midwife appointments and sit there while she takes the blood tests, blood pressure and listens to the baby - and then I leave. If I have any concerns or questions I raise them with my GP or consultant, or post here on mumsnet.

Good luck with everything, and for what it's worth I do think that your MW should have recorded the panic attack. Even if she can't do anything about it, your mental health is just as important as your physical health and it should be documented. I would suggest that you raise it with your GP, especially if it happens again. You might be more likely to be successful with your ELCS request if they realise how much you are suffering.

My MW was referring to the fact that if they've said they want a VBAC for me, they won't do an ELCS. It's fine - I am not scared of giving birth btw - I completely am prepared to give birth if needs be - but I am concerned, greatly, with how I will cope with the exhaustion that could follow labour and the effect this could have on me.

I have fibromyalgia, and this pregnancy it is worse than the last. This means I am in pain all the time - the GP appointment was to get a prescription for codeine as I can no longer cope with the pain and exhaustion I am experiencing. I keep explaining to consultant/mw/doctors how I was affected last time in the lead up to labour (insomnia and pain starting 3 months before) and after 18 hour labour plus EMCS and how I want to avoid this at all costs (I was in a lot of pain - was ok on paracetamol for c-section, but 36 hours after the birth I was given morphine as the fibro flared so badly that I couldn't stand straight without having excruciating back spasms and was very disorientated), but as it does not hinder my ability to give birth, they don't think it warrants an ELCS.

My GP has it all on record, and wants to write to the hospital and local unit to let them know the state I am in physically and mentally as the pain gets me down and makes me a bit irrational and confused. She wants to act as my unofficial advocate as I can't keep track of thoughts well at the moment, again due to fibromyalgia.

I didn't want to mention the fibromylagia or the fact I am not scared of giving birth vaginally as I didn't think it was relevant to what I was asking; was my MWs reaction to my anxiety normal or am I expecting too much, but I don't think I made that clear, sorry.

Thankyou for the replies.

It sounds to me like your concerns are legitimate but that it isn't clear who you should be explaining them to - mw/consultant/gp. Good that you have your GP on side.

From what I have heard, they can't force you to have a VBAC. A friend of mine was in a similar position recently and had to really stand up for herself but is now booked in for an ELCS which is the right thing for her given her experience last time.

Good luck with it all.

I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from anxiety and that your fibromyalgia's become worse with your pregnancy. From my experience with the medical profession, (suffered from a long term condition and had a fair share of operations) the best thing is to have the support of your GP. It's great that you have this and I'd suggest filtering all your concerns and decisions through him/her. The GP has more influence than your midwives and will act in your best interest. It sounds as if you're doing the right thing expressing your concerns with your GP at this stage. No one can force you into birthing situations you do not wish to be in. I think midwives can be very busy and that this can come across in quite an abrupt tone during appointments. They're also very aware of the responsibilities that fall under their remit, which differ to those of the GPs and the consultants. Try not to worry too much and have a chat with your GP and agree some 'next steps' with him/ her to help alleviate your anxieties at this stage.

Good luck and take care .

Hi - I don't really know much about your condition so apologies in advance for not commenting on that but wanted to say that at 18 weeks, I think decisions about VBACS v ELCS are still in the early stages - it won't (from my experience) get decided or booked until much closer to your due date (I had an appt at 36 plus 4 to make a final decision). Midwives I saw were more in favour of a VBAC as was the registrar at 20 weeks - probably because there maybe less risks than another c-section and possibly because I was still unsure but when I saw the consultant at 36 weeks, he was very helpful.

I hope it works the same way for you, whatever you want - on the whole, I have found that the HCPs I have met this pregnancy, really just want the best outcome for you so I hope that happens for you whatever it is!

Thankyou - I have resigned myself to the fact that it won't be booked any earlier - just feel a bit powerless and that stresses me out more, making fibro worse than it otherwise might be (may also seem worse as I have a mad little 2 year old running around as well !).

I am going to try to chill out a lot more - just taken up knitting as that is supposed to help relieve chronic pain. My GP is onside as she has known me since I was a child and has seen me go from healthy to this. As I said, I get a bit irrational and desperate when I am in a lot of pain, and shouldn't expect midwives/other people to know what that is like - sounds a bit unreal if you tell people! Even though this thread may show me as a completely irrational and demanding person, expecting the moon on a stick - I'm really not. I know the limitations of the service - I just want to feel that I am listened to in this pg.

Right, time to get on with the day. If anyone else adds to this thread, I'm sorry I don't reply, I just am going to be signing off from Mumsnet until I can get back on some kind of even keel mentally and physically.

Thanyou again!