Hospital visitors

[isobelle]

I would be interested to hear your views?

I am so so worried about feeling overwhelmed with visitors in hospital when I am feeling tired, getting to know new baby, recovering from birth etc.

Previously when I went into hospital we asked friends and family to see us at home and we would be delighted with the company... everyone respected this bar MIL,FIL and SIL oh and husbands aunt.

We are in touch with these and husband even said this on the phone to them but in they came - around the curtain, had a c-section lost lots of blood, was really swollen and vomitting but no one seemed to care. We have a child that they see when they are local - perhaps every three months BUT now I am panicing that this will happen again.

I would very much welcome them first through the door when home - just not at the hospital especially now we will be introducing the new siblings. Felt it was disrespectful as much as we were so proud to show the world we wont get the time again and FIL is rather arogant and insisted they made a quick stop to tell the world they had been - quote from MIL..

Sorry for the ramble...

Visitors at the hospital are my number one fear in this pregnancy. Managed to get away with it last time as I was home before visiting hours started, but I absolutely don't want any this time around either. It's not my parents as such, it's my MIL, who's a terrible, terrible fusspot and SIL with her boyfriend I hardly know and I know that MIL will insist that this that and the other aunt comes too. Plus I'm not having DD not able to visit just because there are too many inlaws at the bed!

I plan to tell the ward staff not to let them in. But then in an ideal world I'll be opting for the 6 hour discharge, as last time I was starved, sleep deprived, and DD picked up an infection. Never again!

I am due on Monday and feel kinda the same as you to be honest. I don't really want to end up having to stay in hospital (as the thought of being left there on my own petrifys me!) and am hoping for a 'fingers crossed' quick discharge. I do however want to be left alone for a couple of hours at home before the stampeed!

I've already had the conversation with my DP that we will be seeing how I am before telling anyone they can come to the hospital. I really don't want to be in the situation that you were in above as I would just lose my temper and end up being really rude to everyone.....

The only person I really want to see straight afterwards is MY mum - and I no there will those people that find it selfish that I would be willing to see my mum and not the PIL's - but I have a very close relationship with her (only child, small age gap etc)and I won't feel better until I have seen her - plus she would worry no end about me.

Whereas DP's parents don't really care about seeing me - just there grandson. Which I understand I suppose.

But I will be under no illusion that if I don't feel like it then people will not be coming to the ward until I am ready - I don't think its fair to expect brand new mums to put a face on and grin and bear it IYSWIM.

Don't forget - you can get the MW's to make anyone leave at any time as well. I wonder how many people use that!

Hope everything goes ok - sorry for the lost post!

I have just said a straight no to any hospital visitors, I am booked in for ELCS in 3 weeks time and I totally don't want the inlaws visiting (or my father for that matter) as I know i won't feel like making polite conversation. I have explained that I won't feel up to it, they are welcome to come round when we get home and are settled but I want DD to meet her sister before anyone else does and as she won't be coming to visit at the hospital everyone else can wait. I know it's not easy to say no etc and people might think you are mean or selfish but it's your body and your baby and your new family so it should be your decision. it's not like you are saying they can't come for a month.
if they don't listen you could always ask the midwives to not let any visitors in !

I too am thinking about asking noone to visit in hospital and have the whole lot once home and comfortable. This is my first so not sure how Im going to feel after etc...

I have mentioned this to OH and he seems to agree but I have said that it will all depend on time of day, how long I have to stay in etc..
I may say just grandparents though ( I have a big family so dont think there would be enough time for them all to visit anyway!) as this will be inlaws first grandchild so I know they will want to visit asap!

When I had dd1 I wanted no one there at all.

We looked at 2 hospitals and didnt anyone which one we went to! It stopped anyone coming as they didnt have a clue where we were!

I would hate anyone to see me in a hospital bed and loved spending the time alone with my dd.

I completely get where you're coming from and think it's perfectly reasonable to lay down the rules on what you want and don't want.

Personally I felt utterly overwhelmed (not in a good way) and wanted everyone (exept DH!) to just F OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE last time when the hospital visitors came pouring in!

I found the hospital better for visitors in some ways- visiting times were an hour in afternoon and evening and because only 2 were allowed, that kind of meant you were responsible for saying whether folk could come or not, depending on other visitors

I feared the free for all at home. Tho we've been strangely quiet. Word must have got round what a miserable old cow I am

I work at a hospital
We are always happy not to have vistors as minimises infections like MRSA
So just say no hospital visitors
You will probably be sent home same day or next day.
Our hospital LSCS elective 24 hours emergency 48 hours.
Blame the Midwives they will back you up

Thanks so much - I am glad others feel the same too...

As much as it is exciting - it is exhausting and daunting and really don't want to be stared at, offered NO help, brought nothing whatsoever other than comments of 'you will have your work cut out' and stared at more...

I am sorry this sounds negative and I respect that they are family and will honour this in every way - just not during my time in hospital. Although in-laws are really pushy and insistant and I feel outnumbered - they even talk over DH so I feel for him too.

As I mentioned before we have a child that they see occassionaly - but have NEVER spent time with or offered to look after or help with but there will be a huge interest again with new baby - I know this may be untrue but I am sure it is to tell their friends they have been and seen (which I understand being proud GP) but HOW do I approach this?

SIL came into the delivery room after I gave birth and was all bleeding and still skanky. SIL and FIL then proceeded to stay in the ward nearly all day. I kept yawning and saying I was tired and looking daggers at DH but he's not the quickest fella to take a hint. I mean I just told my Mum to go home after an hour but I didn't feel I could do that without causing offence with the in laws

Next time I will tell the MW one-to-one (between contractions of course) that I want no bugger in the delivery room and tell DH to tell the relatives that due to swine flu / MRSA/ some other made up reason that people are only allowed to stay for 1/2 an hour. That's enough to say aah cute baby how was the labour nightmare glad its over congratulations thanks for coming thanks for the card byeeee.

That's what you should do. Or tell them no visitors at all.

I'm almost the opposite...don't mind parents and in laws coming to the hospital when I'm ready to see them (i.e. showered, changed and presentable!) as I know they'll only be allowed to see us for an hour so.
It's the next week or so at home when I go through the milk let down, baby blues etc. that I don't want visitors. I also know they'll be inclined to stay a lot longer! DH agrees and we're looking forward to a week or so just us and the baby - my parents totally in agreement, in laws not so much - I just wonder, looking at your posts if I'm being a little harsh not having visitors for at least the first week? (they will have seen the baby in the hospital)

NB Obviously if anything untoward happens and I or baby need to be in hospital for longer will have to have a rethink!

But I do think OP that at the end of the day it's your wishes that count. Can you just not tell them you've given birth till you get home?!

isobelle re how to approach it... I would tell your DH as it's HIS parents, siblings etc, HE needs to talk to them and make it very clear what your wishes are. And he needs to stand firm and not let them ignore him, for the sake of you both and your other DCs.

Thanks again - been there and tried this tactic - standing firm but both of us avoid confrontations and DH parents are overpowering (particularly my FIL) he insists on his own way.

I would love to say to MWs that I would appreciate no visitors but they are so so busy with all the important things to supervise this unless I called her over when they came (which would never happen). I hope you others find a solution - I am having a E CS so have at least a two-night stay but am spending way too much time worrying about this, it was so chaotic and unplesant last time I really feel out of control.

Thanks again

Don't tell them when you have gone in to have the baby. Tell them as you are about to come home then they can't turn up. If not, tell the midwives you don't want anyone.

I was happy to have a few visitors but it was only certain people and they had to be staggered. I found it easier than people coming around at home.

Most maternity wards have great security now. You are perfectly within your rights to tell staff you do not want any visitors except DH because you are sleeping or need to bond. They should act as gatekeeper for you.

There are downsides of giving birth in hospital, this is a definite plus.

No one will be allowed to visit me in hospital (apart from DH obviously) and if I get my way no one will be coming for the first week at home either. The 3 of us need to get to know each other. I want to establish feeding and get to grips with everything without helpful 'advise' from others. Selfish, maybe, but the baby won't know who visited it on which day and the grandparents can are adults, (alledgedly!!!!!)

completely differnet situation but my sibblings and I have issues with 1 parent and the fact that they never listen and disreguard our wishes to the point where silence is interpreted as agreement and we have just taken the new step of putting things we feel really strongly about in writing - remains to be seen if it works but might be worth a go.

Again I have found this very helpful, mostly to see that I have support in that our wishes should be respected for this short period of time. They thought it was odd when we requested it last time and FIL said no way, I am not being told that...

Thanks to all

splatt IME your plan is the best. Everyone else has to keep away. With my second DC I managed to piss off enough people so that XP's family didn't turn up until DD was over 2 weeks old . Totally don't regret telling everyone we needed space and we are all still talking, no harm done.

I felt like an animal in a zoo when I had my first DC and loads of people kept visiting i hospital and at home .

I can't imagine not wanting visitors! I was just very particular with who was allowed to come. My parents, my brother, my aunt and cousin, and three of my close friends. But I was in hospital for 2 weeks when DD was born, and visitors were one of the only things that kept me going.

I think tell your DH what you want and make sure he enforces it.

I was actually persuaded on here that having people at the hospital was better as it's somewhat controlled by visiting hours and hospital staff but now I am wondering if that's the right thing?

I think the biggest thing is when you're in hospital you don't have access to a shower or fresh clothes whenever you want them, and so when your visitors come you are dressed in your night clothes and your hair is scruffy and your boobs are probably leaking and there aren't any chairs so people stand around uncomfortably, and nurses keep popping their heads in and making everyone feel like they're being monitored. There's various things which make it a bit more uncomfortable than visitors at home. And because visiting hours are so limited and strict, you're only allowed guests at one point, so you can guarantee they'll come the only time DC has gone to sleep for more than 10 mins all day, and even though you just want to sleep, your FIL is standing there trying to think of something to say while your MIL tells you stories about her nextdoor neighbour's new car.

However, like I previously said, if you end up in hospital for more than a day or two, you can really depend on visitors as otherwise you just spend all day staring at the clock and re-reading the same magazines over and over again while your DC sleeeeps.

I had DD in a birth centre so I had access to lovely hot shower etc and was changed & fresh before friends arrived (I don't have family in UK). I hadn't really thought about it or expected visitors but I enjoyed them esp as they brought bubbly & cheese. I didn't sleep much for at least 3-4 days after the birth (which was over 3 days) as I was so hyped up - every time I closed my eyes all the events of birth etc flashed before my eyes & I couldn't sleep, so I welcomed visitors as a distraction and to check I wasn't going completely bonkers.

I heard all these cheers and clapping from the birth room next door to my room - the lady in there had just had her baby with all the family present - they were whooping & the dad came running up and down the hall. Must have been a least 10 people in there - for the birth!!

Good luck in getting what you want OP

Thanks again this has all been very useful