Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

husband not keen on being birthing partner

27 replies

sotough · 14/09/2010 12:55

Just thought i'd open this up for discussion and see how unusual it is...
DH is squeamish and was deeply affected by bad experience watching first wife give birth to my stepson (all of 19 years ago!) I'm not mad keen on having him witness me in all states of indignity either and know he wouldn't be a calming presence as he'd get so agitated, so for the birth of our first son three years ago i hired a doula who was absolutely fabulous and was my main birthing partner. DH kind of floated about, coming in and out of the room as and when i wanted. it worked really well for us and we're going to do the same with our next baby. DH was a single father to my stepson for more than a decade and is a wonderful hands on parent - just doesn't enjoy seeing wife's fanjo splitting open etc. i sense it's quite unusual for blokes not to at least pretend to be keen on the whole thing. do we put too much pressure on them to be at our sides? would you be offended/upset if your DH didn't want to be your birthing partner?

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 14/09/2010 13:02

My dh was there for dd1 loooong labour, birth etc, was great I think!! When I had dd2 he couldn't be there because of work (I was induced) he made it 20 mins before she was born and to be honest I found it much easier without him, able to focus, just get on with it etc!! I am expectng dc3 and am only half joking when I tell him not to worry about work around delivery time!!

I know he wants to be there but I can't be annoyed with all the back rubs, touching, well meaning but vvvv annoying platitudes etc

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 13:05

I think it's invariably up to the people concerned, with the PG woman;s wishes taking priority ie if she wants a particular person out of the birthing room then they should leave. However, it's not a very good idea to pressure a reluctant father into being there: it will be very stressful if you have to worry about his feelings instead of concentrating on yourself and the baby; if you have a partner who is reluctant remember that he is entitled to his feelings and it will be much less stressful to have your mum, sister, best friend or a doula instead.

goodlifemummy · 14/09/2010 13:10

I could have written your post!! My DH does not want to be at the birth, he says he doesn't want to see me in pain, which is true, but he is very squeamish. He wants me to have a cs again so everything is calm and hidden! However, I want a vbac, and there is no reason why I can't. He keeps making comments like, he's going to video me crapping in labour and making all sorts of wise cracks - I think he's hiding behind "humour". I told him if he's going to be like that then I don't want him there, he is also terrified of hospitals and would not be a calming influence. I don't mind him not being there at all, I want a calm atmosphere and so I have asked my mum to be my birthing partner. I am not offended or upset that he won't be there, he is just worried what people might think of him, but I told him its what I think of him that matters. I would like him to be in the vicinity once he has sorted out our twins, but don't expect him to be in the room, but I don't want him to miss those first precious minutes afterwards.

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 14/09/2010 13:10

Part of me thinks when when a birth father doesn't want to be at the birth they should basically get some balls, I think a large amount of women would rather not be at the birth either but we don't have that option. Saying that having a birth partner there that isn't supportive or even worse needs support to get thru the birth could have an adverse effect on the labouring women and therefore a different birth partner would probably be a better option.

Iklboo · 14/09/2010 13:11

Tell him he was keen enough when he put the baby in there

cardamomginger · 14/09/2010 13:12

We've hired a doula. DH wants to support me, but is VERY VERY squeamish - to the point that he is likely to faint. We decided very early on that a doula was the only way forward. She can support me, keep an eye out for him (if it looks like he's going to have a turn, she can send him outside), and this way we know that if he really needs to leave he can do so with us both secure in the knowledge that someone is still there to support me.

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 14/09/2010 13:13

To be honest I would JUDGE any father who didn't want to be at the birth, but then I give my DS fruitshoots.

ohforfoxsake · 14/09/2010 13:17

I didn't mind DH not being there - I had the support of some great friends who knew what they were doing and what to expect.

He was there for the birth of DC3, but I didn't really need him there. I loved having him around for the labour stage of Dc2, 3 and 4 (OK - he was in the pub for DC1, and that was fine - we weren't together and I had two best friends there), but when it came to the actual birth it made no real difference.

Personally I don't think men should be forced into it, they have no control and a tendancy to panic. Have some experienced birthing partners who have been through it. Much more useful. DH can get the teas in ad organise the toast for afterwards.

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 14/09/2010 13:18

But if DH/DP isn't there who do you shout
"YOU ARE NEVER COMING NEAR ME AGAIN" at?

cardamomginger · 14/09/2010 13:20

Good point, Libra, good point.

ohforfoxsake · 14/09/2010 13:22

You don't need to shout it if they aren't there. You are calm and serene, listening to your body and in touch with you baby.

Honest

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 14/09/2010 13:31

"listening to your body"

I was listening to my body and my body was saying if that man who did this to me comes anywhere near me again I am going to kick him in the nuts.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/09/2010 13:41

Look, some people are really, genuinely squeamish about blood/pain/hospitals. Some women have a genuine phobia about the process of giving birth - in these cases, usually, a kind and sensible doctor will arrange for them to have a CS. I really don't think it's reasonable, fair or kind to pressure a man to watch the birth if it's going to cause him a lot of distress. His feelings do matter, and a terrified, angry, nauseous and blubbering birth partner is no fucking help at all anyway.

PinkElephant73 · 14/09/2010 13:46

Not really but my main problem is persuading my 8 year old its not a good idea for him to be present at the birth - thats a whole other can of tuna!

spiralqueen · 14/09/2010 13:55

If DH didn't want to be there for those reasons I wouldn't be offended or upset. There's a lot of pressure on men to be present regardless of how they feel about it - if he had been a first timer and you wanted him there I would have suggested that he speaks to some fathers who had been present to see how they found the experience itself and how it affected their relationship(both with DW/DP and DCs).

naturalbaby · 14/09/2010 14:04

am on 2 sides - a mum doesn't get to opt out if she has a fear of hospitals and giving birth. i did when i first got pregnant so i decided to take control, i dealt with my fears and ended up having a lovely calm relaxing home birth and am thoroughly looking forward to my 3rd home birth. my oh wasn't mad on the idea of any of it but knew he had no option so we did several classes together. there are still several moments during labour he was in the vicinity for (open plan house so he couldn't get too far away) but had no idea what exactly was going on!

on the other hand, if the oh is going to be totally useless and collapse on the floor then there's no point being in the room. there are enough bodies about in a hospital during labour and birth without a reluctant man going green in the corner.

but honestly, he's got 9 months to get ready for it, if the mum to be wants him there as a supportive birthing partner then i don't see any reason why he can't be. even if it ends up being a very complicated, traumatic birth then how/why does he get to opt out cause he doesn't feel like it? is that mean, to make him go through it just cause the mother is? would it make the mum really resentful if he just left her to deal with a traumatic birth on her own? have seen plenty of posts by women who resent their partners for leaving them shortly after a traumatic birth so it just seems unfair for them to not be there at all.

formerdiva · 14/09/2010 14:18

I just don't get it - wild horses wouldn't keep me away from supporting someone I loved who needed me. What are these same fathers going to do if, god forbid, their children ever have a medical emergency? Does being squeamish excuse them for not supporting their children in the way it excused them for not supporting their wives?

Reminds me of my friend's brother who never once visited their mother in hospital over all the years she was being treated for MS because he didn't like hospitals. Feelings are important, but sometimes you've just got to be there for people.

(Just realised I sound slightly ranty. Must have touched a raw nerve...or maybe I need some chocolate)

Original poster

sotough · 14/09/2010 15:00

let me throw this into the mix: my DH, very honestly, in my opinion, quietly admitted that he wasn't ever able to see his ex wife in quite the same way after witnessing her giving birth. i wonder how many other men privately feel the same way but are too decent to admit it.
i await a barrage of abuse on his behalf! there may be something in the old fashioned approach to all this though - it's only relatively recently that men have been so encouraged to be part of the birthing process. i personally do understand why men don't find the process of labour as beautiful as the result of it, though have huge admiration for men who do roll their sleeves up, video the whole thing, and love every minute of it.

OP posts:

MarsLady · 14/09/2010 15:07

I've supported couples where Dad hasn't wanted to be there and so I've filled the gap. I don't think we hear about the times when the Dad doesn't want to be there, so I'm not convinced it's so unusual.

As long as mum is supported and happy then all good.

mum2oneloudbaby · 14/09/2010 15:35

I can understand why a father might not want to be there it's a very fish out of water experience and at least as a woman you have something to occupy you so to speak if the dad does not know what his role is I reckon he could end up feeling a bit of a spare part.

I even gave DH the option with my first pg to make sure he was entirely comfortable with attending but he was totally up for it fortunately not sure I would have coped without him, it turns out he is really good under pressure, who knew .

PinkElephant73 · 14/09/2010 21:16

I'm not sure I would have wanted to have babies with someone who couldnt hack being there for the birth or would get all funny about "seeing me differently" afterwards. I'd wonder what else he would be liable to bail out of to be honest.

Yes men didnt attend births in the olden days, there were a lot of other things that went on then that weren't great either.

slimyak · 16/09/2010 10:40

I think I would be upset if DH didn't want to be at the birth of our child. For me we're in this parent thing together and that's the gore, tears, and poo (whoevers) as well as the laughter, gurgles and milky smiles.

I didn't give DH the option to not come to the birth of our DD (if I'm going you are, this a task and finish group!), and although he says he felt a bit useless he wouldn't have missed it for the world. All he did was hold my hand and pass the G&A/ TENS button really, but he was there and calm and on my side should I have needed it and that really mattered to me. Far from useless - I didn't expect him to deliver the baby.

He will be there after Christmas for DD2's entrance into the world.

lilmissmummy · 16/09/2010 10:51

I think it is more important for a woman to have someone she can rely on for support there than the father to be honest. I wouldnt want him there if he didnt want to be there as I wouldnt want to deal with him throwing up or passing out and then being left on my own.

Mahraih · 16/09/2010 11:53

I think as long as both the man and woman are comfortable with the arrangement they have, it's fine to do either.

I would like for DP to be there at the birth and have made that quite clear. He has no option, as slimyak said. Give him the choice and he'll dither for weeks. I don't, however, want him at the business end and have reserved the right to tell him to sod off.

Having another person there, just in case, especially if the DP/H is squeamish (mine is!) is important though. Prepare for all contingencies!

I genuinely don't expect DP to be useful (handing me sandwiches, and making soothing noises is about the limit I think) but do expect him to be there, and involved.

1Catherine1 · 16/09/2010 13:52

I hadn't even considered the idea of my OH not wanting to be there. He wanted the baby, he wanted the trying for a baby so it only seemed fair he'd signed up for the arrival too. My family and his family are miles away and I don't have anyone else close to me so it is only natural and logical that he should be the one to support me. He is squeemish but usually only when it involves him (He can't watch a needle going into his own arm without fainting) but I'm hoping he can cope with others since I'm going to need him.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread