Stepchild issus

[ursulabear]

This is my first pregnancy....20wks+3. My issue at the minute is that my partner has a 3yr old daughter from his previous relationship. I have no problem with the child, she is lovely although displays typical only child 'syndrome' and is a little daddy's girl so to say. Firstly I don't know where i stand with this child...i don't feel i have the right to implement any of my views with her as its 'his daughter', i stay out of it at present as we don't live together and aren't married, don't get me wrong once shes in our home and if issues are regarding her or my baby, i know where my concerns centre. Our first is due in january and I can already see very different parenting skills, i would be tougher and take no crap whereas hes soft and gives into most things. he sometimes has the attitude of hes been there and done it...i in no way think this makes him a better parent!

I feel like i'm jealous of a 3yr old at times because shes the angel child...will she always be his first love, will our child come 2nd or have to share their daddy? ugh, i'm a tad confused! my concerns on this topic doubled when i got pregnant as now i'm considering the wellbeing of 'our' baby and not just his daughter. do i just need to relax?

Anyone been in or experiencing this, any advice?

Hi Ursulabear

You have my sympathies! I'm in a similar situation although I live with DP and we have his 2 boys (14 and 12) at weekends and I'm 10 weeks Pg with our first.

Having step-kids already part of your family definitely seems to complicate things! For what it's worth, I try to manage the tensions by on the whole letting DP deal with his children... they aren't mine, and they've already got a mum and dad and criticising your partners parenting skills is surefire way to start a row!

Having said that, your SD is a lot younger than my two SS's. Perhaps when the baby comes along there are little things that can be changed on the basis that it's better if you have consistent rules for both children and will feel much more like a family that way - but it's something I think you need to agree together. I try and not get wound up about stuff, on the proviso that DP will enforce some of things that I think are most important (that's the theory anyway!)

Have you talked to DP about how you feel about your different approaches to parenting?

As to whether his first daughter will always be his first love, I am sure he will have just as much love for his next child. So at least you can look forward to him doting on your child together too! Perhaps he is making an extra fuss of her to make sure that she doesn't feel pushed out by the new baby?

Hi Ursulabear,
You have my sympathies too, I understand just how complicated your situation is! Although my DP has a 19 year old boy and 14 year old girl (with us every Wednesday and every second weekend), so not had the same experience of such a wee one in the house.

I'm really close to both of them (I've been with DP for five years now), but one of the biggest things I have struggled with is the lack of control over discipline. And by "discipline" I simply mean house rules. You know, washing up after meals, making their own school lunches, what type of food they eat, whether they should be changing their own bed linen... All of this stuff sounds ridiculously trivial, but it makes a big difference when it all adds up. I feel I will be much stricter with my child, and have spoken to DP about this.

The problem is, when DP and his ex split up, he felt so guilty about not being there for the kids that he over-compensated by doing EVERYthing for them when they visited. I think it is a perfectly natural reaction, as he just wanted them to be happy when they were with him. But we both agree that it has had unfortunate consequences now. The other problem is that I honestly believe that men struggle to be the everyday enforcer - they're not very good at getting all those little things done. And it is only recently that I have begun to assist in the enforcement area.

My advice is that you need to get DP to recognise that his little girl is part of your family. And it is really important that all children in this family are treated in the same way. I can't stress enough, that he should not be spoiling her now, just because he may feel guilt over the separation. It will have major repercussions later. (Oh and re the guilt - I don't mean because the split was his fault. I think that any parent feels guilt, just by virtue of the fact that they can't be there for their child all the time.)

I do believe a new child will make everything better for you all. It will give your family unit some stability. There's no way your DP will love her less - although he will potentially want to protect his first child more, as she may find it difficult to deal with the new situation.

It is such a fine line, so hard to balance!

Would just like to echo everything buttercup has said (said it all much better than me!)

One of the great difficulties of step-families is rule enforcement (in my experience!) As a step-mum it's debatable whether it's your jurisdiction or not, but what are the options? Either you always bite your tongue and say nothing and drive yourself slowly mental, nag your DP about it, or discipline them directly?

Currently trying to work this one out with DP!

The fact that his DD is young still is good, as you're more likely to being able to bring his two children up together.. i.e. with the same rules

Good luck!!