Massive panic about money - sorry long

[Rocklover]

I'm not able to work at the mo as I moved to Devon to be with my dp, but managed to get pg before the move went ahead. That coupled with the area I now live in has lower employment opportunities and i'm feeling ghastly I have no chance of getting a job before this pregnancy is finished.

My dp works and we get Child Tax Credits and some Housing Benefit, but are not eligible for anything else as my dp's salary is considered good (£18k doesn't go that far). Oh and I get maintenance for dd for my ex. Anyway to my point, due to having to spend loads on my car last month (tax, MOT and new tyres), then this month paying for food shopping, buying new school shoes, paying for dd's swimming lessons, I am skint. Plus I have to pay the council tax next week as dp asked me to do this since I am getting the housing benefit into my account.

I am supposed to be driving up to Oxfordshire next weekend then from there on the train to London to get dd to her Dad's for a visit and I just cannot afford it. I will have to go into the red and if that happens I will never get out of it again. I know it doesn't sound like a serious problem, but it just brings home to me how difficult it will be when we have a small baby.

I could go and work full time, but I am not qualified for anything other than office work and that will only just pay for child care for dd and new baby. Also I would have to commute somewhere as I live in a very small, rural town. It has really dawned on me that I have no way of earning money at all until the new baby is at nursery/school. I vowed that after my previous marriage ended I would never be dependent on a man again, and here I bloody am, it's like de ja vu!

I know this has nothing to do with my pregnancy per se, but despite the baby being very much wanted, I am now thinking it was stupid and irresponsible to get pregnant before I'd found a job round here. I guess I was so worried I was too old to get pg (36) that I didn't stop to think about the practicalities. I feel rather depressed about it all and refuse to ask my dp to help me out (he knows I am low on funds and is not offering to lend me some money because he is very anal about having at least £1000 in his account at all times, so I won't beg)!

And to top it off i now feel guilty for suddenly feeling less than enthusiastic about the thought of having this baby. It means I won't have a life and means of my own. Am I being stupid? Is it my hormones? Feeling very down.

Go to Citizens Advice and get them to check you are absolutely getting every benefit and tax credit you are entitled to.

Also look into some of the selling schemes like usborne books etc. Or offer to do some babysitting for local families for £5 an hour.

tell your ex partner the problem - am sure he will want to see dd and will help you find a way.

Money worries are so stressful. x

You're not being stupid at all. I'm worried sick about money. I get paid 3 months full pay and then maternity pay. We have no savings as we have used them all paying off debts and buying new baby things. As it's our first we needed cot, pram, everything. The thought of going back to work when the baby is not even 3 months upsets me so much. We can't make enough cut backs for me to have any longer off work. Being on SMP and with DH wage leaves us seriously short every month. I cry almost every day at the thought of having to leave our tiny baby to go back to work. I'm sorry I don't have any help or advice for you but wanted to let you know that I know how you feel and it's a big worry and stress. Good luck.

"I feel rather depressed about it all and refuse to ask my dp to help me out (he knows I am low on funds and is not offering to lend me some money because he is very anal about having at least £1000 in his account at all times, so I won't beg)!"

So you have relocated to make up a family unit with your current dp and you aren't pooling resources and finances? To me that is a warning sign, he has £1k in is account and expects you to go in the red?

You need to budget together, if you both need a car then it's a joint expense as is housing, council tax, food etc etc etc

Can't you ask your ex for the travelling money to London? Just be honest with him and say that you really can't afford it this time as all of the bills have come in at once. Surely if he wants to see dd then he wont mind?

As for you earning your own money what about selling avon? or some other door to door catalogue? You can take your baby with you to do that, it would be ideal as you can pick and choose your hours and deliver as many or as little books as you wish. What about buying baby clothes at carboot sales and then selling them on ebay? - You can make a profit from doing that, it wont make you rich but at least it will be your own money.

Your partner is being rather mean with his £1000 rule by the way!!

I really do feel for you, money worries are the last thing you need when you are pregnant.

Sorry, you're going to have a baby with your DP (which is a big part of the reason why you can't get a job). So what is with this 'lending money' thing? You should have a joint account!!

Thanks for your replies ladies. I have asked my ex if we could do the weekend after next instead (which he offered yesterday), but he has now said a point blank no as he has arranged to do something else .

I have told him he will have to wait until the Oct half term to see dd instead (not being petty, this is just the next time he will see her and for more than a weekend as he will be on his half term too, being a teacher). So far he has not texted back.

I have thought about having a joint account with dp, but I am also worried about losing my last vestige of independence, I like having my own account and my own money, which is why I bloody hate not having a job. I was working part time before I moved and I enjoyed being able to pay for things myself.

We don't both need a car as dp can't drive, so I mainly use it for the school run, shopping and ferrying dd to swimming lessons. My ex doesn't drive either, hence the onus being on me to get dd to him in London, I tend to stay with my parents in Oxfordshire when I do this to break the journey up.

The thing that annoys me is ex is a teacher on London wages, lives with his Mum, so probably only pays a very small amount of rent and also he owns a flat which he rents out in my old home town. Despite these things he hasn't offered to help me getting dd to him. Also he was on on holiday abroad for a month during the summer holidays so I know he isn't broke.

I am hoping to go back to uni to re-train so that I can get a decent job when new baby is older, but obviously that won't be for a while yet and so for now I am left worrying and stressing about it all.

I think having a joint account with DP will give you more independence, not less. As you say, getting a job in Devon will be hard, and you won't be getting SMP while your new baby is small, and you probably won't be going back to work then. Won't you need to pay for things for the baby jointly? Your DP is going to need to support you while the baby is small and while you re-train. I'm assuming you don't have savings. If you don't get a joint account, it will come to him giving you handouts which I don't think is very healthy.

Well the onus is on the non resident parent to do the collecting and dropping off, why don't you explain that you simply can't afford the petrol as it will cost £x amount and if he's willing to pay for it your still willing to do the journey. Otherwise he could get the train to pick up and drop off dd.

Well I could try CarGirl, but I won't hold my breath (things are ok with him now, but he has a history of being unreasonable).

To be honest, although he professes to miss dd etc, he has on occasion faked illness to get out of visits so he can go out with his mates (found out on Facebook) and he never ever phones dd, or even texts me to ask after her.

He makes virtually no effor whatsoever to facilitate their relationship, even less so since I have moved.

That's a very good point Fuschia, it's something I really need to talk over with dp.

Perhaps write to your ex and explain now that you are not working you are not able to fund the travel costs anymore and that maintenance is not meant to cover contact expenses, then leave the ball in his court so to speak.

You could have a 'household account', into which you both put a proportion (the majority, I would have thought) of your earnings, and it goes on household and children things. Then whatever is left you can keep in your respective accounts for spends.

I think you need to be upfront with DP about money. You need to pool finances, agree how much money you will each have left each month after bills to spend on yourselves, how much money you will need each month for things for the baby.

My partner would never let me get stressed about money and we share everything bill-wise despite the fact he earns far more than I do. Admittedly it's a bit different as I earn about £7000 per year and he earns about £24000 but it's the principal. It makes no difference who puts in what money, we share a house (which is completely in his name as I couldn't get a mortgage), we share a dog, and now we'll be sharing a baby, and I genuinely don't think he's concerned about having to pay for most things. You made a very serious and major decision to move with your child to a new place without a job lined up and he should support you in whatever way he can, financially and emotionally. You really need to talk this all through with him.
Is there any way you could take on some kind of temporary work through an agency, or maybe even working in a bar or restaurant or something. I know that can often be counter-productive when you're claiming some benefits but it might be something the Citizens Advice Bureau could help you with.

Your DP needs to have a good think about his priorities. You've relocated and lost your source of income for him, and now you're pregnant which I'm guessing he played some part in too so he has responsibilities.

My partner relocated from Barcelona to Berkshire for me and as a result I supported him for 3 months without a word of complaint. Once he started working we opened a joint account which has since been used to pay household bills. We also have an account each for our "own" money. Now all we need is money left at the end of the month to go into these accounts, here's hoping though :)

I would tell the ex that he will have to meet you in Oxfordshire from now on - why should you be expected to go all the way to London just because he doesn't drive?

Pardon me, but you say you don't want to be dependent on men, but then you seem to be letting them walk over you financially. Your ex really needs to take some responsibility for seeing his daughter - it should NOT only be up to you. It's not your problem if he doesn't drive - surely he has enough money (from what you say) to learn, or to take a train?!

As others have said, when you are having a baby with someone, it shouldn't be 'my' and 'your' money anymore. I mean, it's in both your interests for your mutual affairs, i.e. children, housing, other bills to be sorted.