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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

feeling deceitful and stressed

14 replies

stressed123 · 04/09/2010 17:40

Hi, I feel terrible and could really do with any advice.

I had a chemical pregnancy a couple of months ago. We told our parents straight away- I miscarried 3 days later.

I told my mum straight away and she was great about it. However, I just could not face telling my in laws- I felt so stupid and already feel completely inferior to my SIL who sails through pregnancy and is a complete natural at it (or so I frequently get told)

We decided that we wanted to try again straight away- my husband suggested that we not tell my inlaws about the miscarriage, and see if we're lucky and fall straight away, and if this didn't happen we would tell them then.

Well, I was incredibly lucky in falling pregnant in my next cycle. So I am now 6 weeks pregnant whilst according to when we told my inlaws I should be 10 weeks (although I haven't been too specific with dates when talking to them to be honest)

I didn't think that 4 weeks would make a huge difference but I feel stressed and so deceitful. Have I ruined everything? Is there any way I can 'get way' with this? (that sounds so awful, sorry)

Please be gentle with me as I just feel so stupid and just wished I had the backbone to be honest in the first place

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japhrimel · 04/09/2010 17:44

As it's stressing you out, I would ask your DH to explain that you did lose the first pregnancy but that you are pregnant again. I don't see why they wouldn't be understanding TBH - if you get to your EDD and they're wondering why the baby is a month late and you tell them then, I think they're more likely to be upset that you & your OH didn't tell them at the time.

nancydrewrocked · 04/09/2010 17:45

It really doesn't matter but why not just tell them now?

Explain that you mc but were fortunate enough to concieve straight away and hadn't told them at the time because you were very upset and didn't want to distress them either.

In all likelihood you MIL will have gone through something similar or at least had friends that had.

Original poster

stressed123 · 04/09/2010 18:10

That's what I'm concerned about japhrimel- I also have visions of the baby being late!

My inlaws told a relative who asked when the baby was due last week- I said the month but said it would be the middle of the month instead of it being at the very beginning, which the first pregnancy would have been- they didn't bat an eyelid as I haven't told them when exact EDD is!

Maybe it is just best to tell them now but was hoping I wouldn't have to tbh

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Original poster

stressed123 · 04/09/2010 18:11

Thanks for your replies by the way x

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Muser · 04/09/2010 18:28

I would tell them. I've had one mc and an ectopic pregnancy and told in-laws both times. They couldn't have been more lovely.

I would explain that you were so upset at the time that you didn't want to tell anyone, and then got pregnant straight away and were very overwhelmed.

sotough · 04/09/2010 20:10

i find this all a bit weird. surely they couldn't possibly be angry or upset over something so private to you and your husband? in what sense do they need to know what happened in any detail? if you feel so guilty (which you shouldn't - it's your business, nobody else's, unless you choose it to be) why don't you just tell them what happened? you have nothing to be ashamed about. you haven't been stupid in any way.
alternatively, if you don't want to tell them, don't! it surely shouldn't concern them when precisely you conceived. what they will care about most is your health and happiness.

LittleSilver · 04/09/2010 20:20

Oh sweetie you poor thing! I think telling them would put your mind at rest, butcan't you get your DH to do it for you if it's upsetting you that much? Don't beat yourself up. And congratulations!

clareanna · 04/09/2010 20:28

Please don't compare yourself to your sil- its not a competition and your inlaws won't think any worse of you. My sil has 3 dcs and I had a mmc earlier in the year and my inlaws were great. You need all the support you can get right now and this will only being you all closer together as a family. Good luck

Original poster

stressed123 · 04/09/2010 20:30

You're right sotough, it's none of their business. I'm sure they would have been understanding if i'd told them about the miscarriage but I feel stupid now for pretending everything was ok and I was still pregnant when I wasn't.

I think I'll have to play it by ear and see if anyone mentions it- I've just spoken to my mum about it and she doesn't seem to think anyone will notice as I haven't yet told anyone an exact due date. I'm mainly worried about when it comes to having the 12 week scan (as it'll obv be later than it would have been) but hopefully it'll be ok and my MIL won't ask too may questions

Thanks again everyone

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MammyG · 04/09/2010 22:13

Other people dont keep track really. I wouldnt worry about the dates thing esp as a doctor can easily change them anyway. Wait til your 12 week to see what your EDD is according to the doctor. Then if you are still strung out over it have your OH have a chat with his mum. Most women are very understanding and know how it can be. Its not unreasonable after what you have been thru that you wanted to hold off discussing it until you were in the clear. The most important thing here is that you do not spend your pregnancy stressed. Its only a conversation and it wont be hanging over you then. Good luck

CocoPopsAddict · 04/09/2010 22:54

Totally your call as to whether to tell them. BUT if you choose not to, I really doubt they will notice any discrepancy in dates. Other people don't tend to sit there figuring out exactly when you are due, and really, not every woman is 100% sure when she conceived anyway. I wasn't!

naitimum · 05/09/2010 09:11

Hi,
I just wanted to say that you will not need the stress of this around the birth of your baby as there is so much else to think about, so I'd get it sorted out now so you feel alright about it and you can carry on and enjoy your pregnancy.
Also hon, having a chemical pregnancy doesn't make you stupid, if it did then it would make an awful lot of women pretty dim (me included). It is just one of those things that happen, and unfortunately negative things can happen in any pregnancy.

Original poster

stressed123 · 05/09/2010 11:57

Thanks everyone, feel slightly better today. I honestly thought people would think I was terrible for not being completely honest with my inlaws- you've all made me feel alot calmer!

I think I'll wait for the scan and see how that goes- I've read that how the doctor dates you and actual weeks pregnant are two different things so maybe nobody will notice-I could say I'm a little earlier than I first thought or that I ovulated late in the month or something but hopefully no one will notice- I've effectively added on a couple of weeks already by saying my (rough)due date is later than it should have been (if that makes sense- sorry, am confusing myself!)

Just realised I sound a little like Natasha from corrie

OP posts:

rubbersoul · 05/09/2010 12:14

I had a chemical pregnancy recently- I felt it was my fault but it really is just one of those things that sadly happens to many women- and I don't blame you for not wanting to tell your family and just try again. It's such a personal thing.

Am not an expert but I don't think 4 weeks is a huge difference (?) I know that weeks from conception and weeks your doctor will time you from (first day of your last period) so I'm guessing, as a couple of other posters have said people might not actually notice

Don't feel guilty and congrats and goodluck on your pregnancy

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