WWYD - family drama. Advice needed - warning long post

[lainey1981]

I basically need some advice and no one IRL is able to!
My sister went to visit some family in Ireland last month following the supposed breakdown of her marriage of 10yrs (had been on the cards for quite some time)
While she was there she had a bit of a fling with a local and seemed happy as she had decided to kick her DH out when she returned to London.
She also mentioned that she was bringing one of our cousins back with her to stay with her (background fact ? we didn?t grow up with our blood family and were fostered from age 6) as had just recently got back in touch with our family.
Thought it a little strange as had met this cousin once when I was back for my dad?s funeral 3 years ago and to say he was a loose cannon then is an understatement ? threatening to kill my DP (yes I know WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE??) over nothing.
I decided then and there that wanted nothing to do with him as he had been in and out of prison etc all his life (is 21 now)
Anyway my sister comes back and I speak to her to discover her, my cousin and her DH had been out drinking together (DH had called to ask for another chance) and the cousin punched her DH who got knocked out.
I suggested that the cousin be packed off back to Ireland as he had F*ed up on day 1 of being here ? but she was vehemently defending him saying he had been good to her while she was over there and she wanted to give him another chance.
IMO this WAS his second chance after threatening (seriously) to kill my DP.
I began to question why she was prepared to fall out with me, her MIL, her DH and others over someone she had effectively known for a month. Alarm bells started to ring
Then I received a call from my Mum who I don?t know very well but have seen maybe 6 or 7 times in the last ten years. She was planning to move back to England to support my sister start a new life without her husband (obv this plan changed when my sis got back with her DH) and get to know us all better.
On the phone she told me that my sis had slept with my cousin while in Ireland! I couldn?t believe it. A) I don?t care if it?s legal ? IMO it?s wrong (and in Ireland still illegal)
B) she somehow still thought it was a good idea to bring him to England to stay in her family home
Am so confused as to what she was thinking ? I mean she WASN?T thinking surely?
The only reason he is not staying with her now is because he hit her DH so is staying with my half sister who lives down the street (all very eastenders I know!)
I asked my sis about it who denied it and acted shocked that I had asked her, but we left it there.
Over the last week have been battling with saying something as there is a family christening this weekend (for my baby niece) which I don?t want to go to as the cousin will be there along with my BIL who has no idea about this situation (and has since made up with the cousin and goes out drinking with him!)
I feel like I can?t go and see the charade paraded in front of me- not sure if anything is still going on, but feel BIL is being taken for a mug and it?s not fair. I also don?t agree with this loose cannon being part of my nieces lives.
My DP who has been good friends with my BIL for 10 years thinks he deserves to know and keeps threatening to tell him, and I have to keep stopping him for fear of the reprisals.
I really don?t know what to do.
Part of me just wants to lock myself away and forget about them for a while as for years I have had to help through all their drama ? I am the only one with a ?normal? life ? ie went to uni, have full time job, not on benefits, not teenage mum etc.
But I can?t help thinking if I do that, I will be cut out of my nieces lives, and that I will be v lonely when my DS is born in Nov. I don?t currently get any emotional support from them and only hear from them when they want to borrow money (often), need help with something, or want to seek sanctuary in my house following marital rows etc

Another part of me wishes my mum hadn?t told me, and I know feel guilty as it will be obvious that she told me, though I tried to say I guessed. She is arriving from Ireland today and am worried about the reception she will meet.

So sorry for the mega long post ? I just need some perspective about this situation

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.
Ps I feel so much better just writing this down (spent all of last night in tears!)

I'm 29w pg btw

sorry 3rd post (am writing this at work so can't read back over what have written)
not sure if I made clear that called my sis last night and told her i knew, she acted v strange and just laid into my and said i was judgemental (i hadn't even given an opinion on it) and wouldn't talk about it
saying "don't you think i'm dealing with the fall out here"
what fall out - no one knows!!

lainey1981 - what a horrible situation for all concerned but to be honest, my advice would be to steer well clear of the lot of them for the foreseeable.

I know you want them to be around when you have your baby but you can meet other people at mum and baby groups etc... and right now, with all that is going on in your sisters life, she's not going to be that much of a support to you.

Good luck, it all sounds very complicated and horrible.
xxx

lainey watching any relative go through this is horrible. My baby sister is in a realtionship with the most sucky guy, he hates us all, won't let her see us and he is really strict with her, she earns the money, he loafs at home. But I've had to stop and step away from it, as it just stressed me out too much. It's the best thing. I've asked my ma n pa to do so as well, they will continue to give her extra money even though they can't stand the relationship, rather than step away.

There is no way I can talk sense into her, or anyone else for that matter. If we all stand up and object, she'll never speak to us again. Whatever we do won't help. The only thing I can do, is provide a shoulder for her to cry on if it all goes pear shaped. Part of me has my fingers crossed it all goes bad and she comes back to us all for support. I'll be there for her when it does go wrong.

Oh Lainet, sounds like you need to stay away from them and this situation. It's not fair on you our your dp to be put in the position where your loyalties are tested like this.

When it comes to your own baby, do you think this set-up will be a good support system for you? I seriously doubt it will all be sorted by the time you're due, so step away now.

I appreciate this is going to be hard for you, but you need to put your own immediate family (you, dp adn baby) first.

Good luck with it all.

Lainey - damn typo!

I had guessed she had slept with the cousin before you said and I think you need to tell her that if she doesn't tell her husband, you will.

I don't think you should tell her husband, and neither should your DH.

This is a messy situation but it is really her mess, not yours... and will only get messier if you get more involved. IMO you would be advised to leave it all well alone, you can choose not to go to the christening/have contact with the cousin etc. for your own good reasons.

I don't quite understand what you think would be gained by telling her husband.

this is tricky. I'm taking it as fact that you sister and cousin did have how's your father in Ireland, and not that your Mum was expanding the truth/guessing (you said you wern't that close to her....).

I think telling BIL will mean of course that everything will get out in the open - but this will have consequences for you in that your sister will always blame you/your DH for 'blabbing' (can't think of a better term) and may mean your relationship is very strained for a time. If you kept out of it and quiet then if this relationship with the cousin did progress to anything serious (and it may just fizzle out quickly when she realises how bad he is) then your sisters DH would be bound to find out eventually through his own means so at least then it wouldn't be classed as your fault (although your sisters DH might be annoyed at your DH for not saying anything if they are friends, but then could you both plead innocence to knoweldge??).

I think telling BIL could have problems also with this slightly manic cousin who seems to be known for physical outbursts - that's certainly something you and your family don'e want to be in the receiving end of.

Could you speak to your sister and tell her how unhappy with the situation you are but as she's your sister you will support her whatever she decided (despite thinking the whole thing is wrong) but tell her that as much as you love her, you're not prepared to spend time at the moment with the cousin. Maybe say you'll keep the secret as you love her, but you arn't happy with it, you're only doing it for her. IMO secrets in general only lead to problems later down the line, but I'm also worried about the loose cannon-ness of your cousin when he find sout if you tell anyone.

If you ahve to go to the christening, can you just be politely sociable to your sister/cousin but try and avoid where possible (ie not sit right next to them) and leave early?

Sometimes the phrase keep your friends close and your enemies closer is useful - if you're perfectly pleasant to the cousin in an informal way (not getting too friendly) he has no reason to lose his temper etc with you, and I always think it's incredibly hard to hate/be ride to someone who's incredibly nice and understanding...

This is just rambling, sorry, not sure if there's any sense in there.

thanks for all your advice, I see by the fact that everyone has a different opinion that there is not necessarily a 'right' way to deal with this. Think am going to take a break from them all for a while, but will speak to my sister first and see how we get on. If the cousin could get out of our lives think it would be a lot easier to forget, and not make me eel guilty for my BIL all the time

thanks again for listening to me