dumped 4.5 months into pregnancy

[valentinemum10]

I am devastated. my partner of 5 years has told me today that he wants me out because i chose the baby over him. he didnt want me to go through with it. i have had 2 terminations within this relationship already & regretted that& it affected me more than i realised.
i dont think i can go through that again &i don't want to! hes convinced himself that i dont love him and i love this baby more. this is truly bollox! i must have been stupid to think then, that i want his child cos i love him&cos he always talked of having kids etc.
this has been bubbling away for the last 3 months since finding out about the baby & hes finally said it!the stress is really messing me up and im worried about the effect it will have during my pregnancy im a mess!!
tomorrow i start looking for somewhere to live...i cant afford it..i cant think about all this now!!

boot him out. useless fecker.
Do you mean he made you have two terminations already? You'll be better off without him (and I'm not usually that person on this kind of thread)

for you, but it sounds like you and your baby might be better off in the long run without him.

and don't panic too much about the effect on your pregnancy, i asked my doctor about that when i was pregnant with DS, and my Dad had heart failure, i was obviously very stressed, she said, that it's mainly on eastenders that kind of thing happens so not too worry (and DS is fine)

I would speak to someone about this because you are going to need some kind of support whether from family or from midwife and a support agency.

I think it is best to remove yourself from the situation and get yourself sorted rather than hang around there and hope things will change. He sounds selfish and inconsiderate and he is using bullying tactics to get what he wants.

If you have already gone through 2 unwanted terminations then I am sure you know that a third will be incredibly hard and the fact that he cannot see that either is shocking.

The problem lies with him, not you. He is saying one thing and then doing something else and that is not fair. Try and focus on yourself right now and get out and find other accomodation so you are not dependent on him and seeing him every day. You really need some space and perspective right now.

I remember your previous posts about this man and when you found out you were pregnant. I'm delighted for you that this time you chose what would make you happy rather than him! :) He already had his "two chances" (and 5 years!) - this time, it's about you and your unborn baby.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but I'm not sure this man does want children - and it's emotional blackmail bollocks about this "you love the baby more than him". Normal men don't think like this - but tbh, why wouldn't you love this baby more than that mentally abusive piece of crap?

I promise you'll look back on all of this and you'll be happy that this is happening. Staying with him will mean that your child ends up bearing the brunt of his anger - he'll always be making you "choose" between tending to him or the baby.

A fresh start will be hard - nobody will deny that - but it'll be wonderful for you too. You'll get your self-confidence back and you'll have a child which it's so clear you've longed for.

You will be OK. There's a "single parents" board on mn, dig it out and introduce yourself - you'll get so much support there from women who've been through similar and have thrived, not just coped.

Best of luck for the future - you've got very exciting and wonderful things happpening! :)

PS In 5 years time please ask yourself "What sort of man asks his partner to have abortions as "proof" of her devotion to him?".

Actually, what would you say to your best friend if she told you that today?

thanyou everyone for your support and advice.
SkiHorse- thanks i will check that single parents board.
concordia- your comment actually made me laugh out loud which i don't think i've done for months!! thanks!i know now why i never watched Eastenders!

i just feel so hopeless&helpless.
i have no family (left home young) few friends as i kind of made my world round him & his friends. but my love for him hasn't ever changed or gone even though he seems to think it has.
ive read back on what i've just written and i wonder what kind of a 34 yr old hypocritical woman am i? I'm always telling women to stand up to men,be strong confident beautiful sisters whatever in life etc & i've become this pathetic lump!

i'm still terrified. i never though i would end up in this situation with a child.
But living here is making me feel ill...i am going to try get out today and see what help i might get practically-for moving on/out.
just writing this makes me soo heartbroken.

It must seem very overwhelming for you to be on this position. But you will sort yourself out and be well rid of that idiot.

Good luck to you!

What a shitty situation. I'm afraid your partner doesn't sound like the sort of person you need to be around at the moment.

Obviously the first step is to find somewhere else to live, but after you may think about calling the NCT or Home Start regarding meeting other mums-to-be and getting some rl support.

A few years back now i made myself a single Mum of 4 because i kicked my partner out because he wasn't being a nice person. I got a lot of stick for it at the time, 2 of my children have disabilities too.
It was so hard financially as he's never paid a penny CSA. I ended up in a lot of debt because i had to go 12 weeks with no benefits or income (besides carers allowance as i'm my daughters full time carer). My youngest was still a baby then too.

It was the hardest but best thing i ever did, as today 4 years later i have another daughter, i am married to a wonderful man and expecting a baby this December. I now have someone who treats me with love rather than just saying he loves me.

You're worth more and once you've got through the heartache and sorted the practicalities of somewhere to live i'm sure you'll be happy again. Even if it's as a single Mum. I was a single Mum for 18 months and grew to love it, was great having the kids to myself.

Good luck with everything x

Violet5- my situation pales in comparison! i'm glad you have the happiness you deserve and more joy in Dec!!
its just that i don;t want to be a single parent!i don't when i always believed in having both..my parents were bad to me & treated me like shit & i always though i will not let this happen when i have a child!
it makes me so angry when i think what men can do to bully,manipulate a woman and her child!
Me & partner have never ever argued or had a crossed word. we've got our ups and downs like any relationship but as soon as i told him i was keeping the baby he turned into a completely different cold cruel person!! hes obviously in shock but isn't he going to live to regret this? I told him this & thats when he said i love the baby more than him!

i can't get my head round what's happening & still in bed crying! im somehow finding a little comfort in this thread as i cant even speak to my friends at the moment cos of all the crying!!

What an arse!

As others have said, he sounds selfish and manipulative! My DP didn't want the baby originally (now 18 weeks so at a similar stage to you). He KNOWS that I love the baby and if he ever tried to hurt it I'd rip his balls off, and that if he asked me to 'choose', I'd choose to keep the baby.

But that's normal! It doesn't mean you love him less, it means that you now have someone else to love and consider. He clearly can't handle having your attention on anything but him, and that'sreally childish.

He doesn't deserve you: by having two terminations you have gone above and beyond, and you can't be expected to try any harder for this guy.

Things WILL be ok. Can I suggest giving Gingerbread a call? They are a great charity for single parents: spoke to them when DP and I looked like it wouldn't work, and they were SO helpful.

thankyou mahraih- i literally just clicked on that Gingerbread site through a websearch & saw your reply!! i must be doing something right then to have looked at it. i will try get myself out of bed & ring some numbers. my biggest worry now is that i dont have much money & how i m going to afford to find somewhere to live on my own. i only work 17 hours a week & barely manage on that!
if i win the lottery today- i'll treat you all!!ha ha!...no i need to get out of bed,seriously!

Do you have family you can stay with while you sort things out re. where your housing?

Try and see your local wellfare rights worker they will tell you what you are entitled to etc and put you on the right track towards housing whether its council housing or private landlords, I work 16 hours a weeks and am pregnant and single and they have been very helpful towards me as to what I can and cant claim under my circumstances.

laurenamium - no i have no family- thats the problem too. friends around but its not ideal (shared houses etc) but i know they are there for me.
whats a local welfare rights worker? can i find them in a job centre? i've tried to look online but its all confusing because most of the info is for single parent,unemployed,return to work, under 25 etc.
tHanks for the info. x

The job centre is a tricky one, I was signposted there when I first started looking but they wont talk to you or give you advice because you are working! Ridiculous! I was so frustrated, there are wellfare rights workers that do drop in sessions in the library in my area, not sure about where you are but they basically can tell you what you are/ are not entitled to. The only problem I came across is that a lot of the things I am (and you are) entitled to cannot be claimed until the baby is born and registered, which takes time for the documents to come through and delays the money although they do back date it (I think). However, if you can get in somewhere of your own and get help towards your housing (this will be at a lower rate until your baby is registered) you can apply for the surestart grant which is £500 and you dont even need to pay this back its just for you! Thats a months rent where I am! There are also things like health in pregnancy grants (£190) that everyone can apply for when they reach 26 weeks and health in pregnancy food token things where you can get discount off formula/fruit/veg/milk etc which can half your shopping bill. What council district are you in? Il try and find you a contact number for a wellfare rights person in your area whilst Im at work if thats any help

laurenamium
thankyou for all your advice. went to the jobcentre, asked at reception and was told i can get nothing! because im not a jobseeker,because i work and i can only get child benefit. no mention of surestart grant & stuff you have just written about! I left there pretty much in the same state of upset i went in with.
but i have read a DWP leaflet about babystuff & yes it seems a lot of this help can only be post baby.
I live in (south)Manchester so its manchester city council. actually,i do work for the council but i just don't know where to start.
i will inquire about these grants...where? £500pm is about what i earn!

this link is for the surestart grant and if you would be entitiled to it, I think you can get onto the links for other money calculators from there too. You are definitely entitled to child tax credits after the baby is born too, and Im not sure if you could apply for help towards your housing and council tax where you are but a wellfare person should be able to tell you for sure.

Your MW will give you a form for the health in pregnancy grant when you are 26 weeks at that appointment. Ask her if she doesnt as mine nearly forgot!

0161 234 5678 is the phone number for Welfare rights in Manchester City I think, sorry if it isnt but Im sure they will point you in the right direction! The entitlements vary from district to district I think!

[http://www.manchester.gov.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?categoryID=200054&documentID=166 Came across this too] dont know if its any help! Might give you more idea of what you can get pre and post baby!

ts_info.php?categoryID=200054&documentID=166 Came across this too sorry that should work

sorry this one

laurenamium
thank you so much i put all the info in my pregnancy diary seeing some of this stuff is specific to how many weeks you are.
and try ring someone tomorrow. much appreciated
xx my friend has invited me for a meal & i just be glad to be out of the house tonight with some one who will listen to my woes!

Ah its ok, I only know because I've spent the last 4 months trying to find out myself! Good luck and try enjoy yourself tonight!!