Feeling I am going crazy

[cowes]

Hi mums
I was advised this site as my friend recommended it. I wanted to ask other mum's advice. I suffer from depression unfortunately and have had a very up and down pregnancy. I am 6 mnths pregnant and feel VERy scared. I have gone from trying to get pregnant with my husband, to getting pregnant very quickly (first time trying) and then didn't accept or seem to want it because I was so scared of the change to our lives and relationship which is not a feeling I expected to have.
This passed and I had an amazing 2nd trimester, where I would say it was 3 mnths of bliss, loving being pregnant, loving everything about out little imminent arrival, and really getting on well.
Then BANG, third trimester and 2 weeks ago I have been hit by the fears again of what if I don't want it, I like our life the way it is, I don't want to lose what we both have. My husband is one of the most supportive and amazing men you could imagine, and I feel I am letting him down as he has been nothing but over the moon from the day I got pregnant. I am just now scared that I am too selfish of his love and fear losing that, and fear not wanting the baby when it's born and feel terrible for even saying that. As I suffer from depression the feelings are ten fold, and I don't know if this is a normal feeling or if I am having second thoughts when there is nothing I can do anyway.
I would really appreciate to hear from any mothers who have had kids and felt this, and if it passed, if it's normal, if it's hormones or a real reaction of not wanting it. I am one confused and depressed mum to be and all I want to do is enjoy the pregnancy and everything that is to come. I don't want to let us all down by being depressed around the birth and ruining the experience for me and my husband as it's our first child. Any help and pointers that I am not going crazy would be greatly apopreciated. I just feel so guilty as my friends all say they always wanted their babies, never felt this way, didn't have second thoughts...I just want to know it will be ok but I am very scared right now.
Thank you mums - I am being honest with you so that you may be able to help and tell me if it's normal or if I am going crazy.
xxx

Hi,

First of all you are definatley not going crazy. Even when a pregnancy is planned which my second was (36wks now) you will have days from thinking oh my god what have I done too this is the best thing I've ever done, I know I do. I personally say that the hormones play a big part in how you are feeling. I'm sure when you have your baby you will feel totally different again. I wish you all the best with the rest of your pregnancy :)

your husband sounds fantastic - can you talk through some of these feelings with him?
i think pregnancy is a bit of an emotional roller coaster for most people....i don't suffer from depression but we have had a long traumatic battle to achieve this pregnancy and i am often very fearful/pessimistic when what i want to be is hugely grateful and optimistic that we have come this far. (i'm 20 weeks.) i also have moments of wondering how i'll cope with another child (we have one three year old) and whether i'm really cut out for it, etc etc etc. I think these doubts are very normal. It might also be worth talking to your doctor (you probably have already, if you have a history of depression) and making sure you have extra emotional and practical support in place for the first few weeks after the birth, which are an extraordinarily challenging time for anyone.

Thank you both for your words. I was really nervous about coming on here because sometimes people can just scare you...butI wanted to know if what I was fearing was normal or if it looks like I am having second thoughts. I hope it is the former.
My husband and I talk very openly, but at the same time I don't want to talk about it all the time as I don't want to take away his happines as he is over the moon.
I know what you mean watersprite, about good and bad times. I started off with 5 weeks of fear, anxiety, thinking I had made the worst mistake of my life, to then going into the 2nd trimester and LOVING it, feeling great, having an amazing time. Then bang, week 25 and I start to worry that again, it may be a big mistake. It makes you feel what are the real feelings and what are the illusions.
I am seeing the doc, who is very supportive, about taking tablets, as I am not ruling them out. I just want to know it's the right decision and that the two of us will never look back. All my friends tell me it's the best thing in the world I just want to know it wil be for me too.
Thank you for your kind words, I can't thank you enough. There is a lot of scare mongering on the internet but I am hoping I am making sense and able to get advice from people.
Thank you x

Hi Cowes,

I think most women worry during their pregnancy about the future and the decisions they've made.

I am currently happy with a planned pregnancy but of COURSE I have moments where I worry about the future, about money, about how my life will change, about my relationship, about things going wrong etc etc.

It is natural to have concerns. Pregnancy is often represented as being a big bliss bubble but a quick look around Mumsnet will show that many of us struggle with elements of it.

Having said that, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well and if your depression is taking a turn the worse then it is a good idea to keep chatting to the doctor.

It might also be worth looking in to getting some councelling, or perhaps finding a way to meet other Mums in your area.

Good luck. And you'll be fine :)

Hi everyone
The doc wants to prescribe Prozac. I am very sad about this as I don't want to feel I am losing the battle of coping on my own. I have counselling, I speak to my husband, friends and family, and I spoke with the doctor today.
Thing is there are unknown side effects with anti depressants and it also means you can't breast feed. I don't know what to do because I don't want to feel I am relying on tablets, or that I can't do it through my own resolution. Also, I can't stand the thought that if there is anything wrong with the baby because of my taking medication, I wouldn't forgive myself.
I worry about the affect it has on my friends and family and feel if I had ever known it would have had this affect on me, that I don't know if I could have gone through it. I just want to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and that it will be worth it. And very unsure as to if taking tablets is a bad idea.
Thanks all

Prozac (fluoxetine) is the oldest SSRI so most is known about it, which is why it is often the anti-depressant used in pregnancy.

Although Prozac isn't great when breastfeeding, there are other SSRIs that are considered fine when breastfeeding.

If you want to breastfeed, it could be good to talk to the doctor about using an anti-depressant that's better for breastfeeding, as you're already in the 3 trimester.

KellyMom have decent info:

kellymom.com/health/meds/antidepressants-hale10-02.html#Prozac

I think one thing you need to take on board is that it is totally normal to find pregnancy and having a baby scary.

Also, if you're not coping, there's no shame in needing medication. Some people just do. Better to be a Mum without depression and able to cope, even if it means meds, than to let depression get bad.

First, you can breastfeed on anti-depressants, I have been for the last fourteen months, and many women do.

Secondly, I felt exactly like this, all the way through both of my pregnancies. Both totally planned, and very much wanted, but as soon as I got a positive test, I immediately started doubting myself, whether I'd done the right thing or not, and even if I actually wanted the baby. And most of the time, I have to say, I actively didn't. I found the whole pregnany experience to be awful, just nerve wracking, depressing, and at times I was the lowest I'd ever felt.

I didn't see the doc about this, which in some ways I really regret, perhaps with care i could have enjoyed the time. But what I can tell you, is that from the moment I saw both my dd's, I was in love, and it was all completely worth it. And it will be the same for you, whether its instant infatuation in the delivery room, or whether it takes a bit longer.

Thank you EsmeWeatherwax. I feel so scsred that I won't get that when I have had the baby. I have such conflicting feelings that go from feeling very protective over not wanting to hurt baby's development, or health, but then total feelings of wishing I could go back to where we were before where my poor husband didn't have to suffer all this and where I felt like my mind was my own. It's been two weeks now and I feel so tired and anxious and can't see the way forward. I can't see me being happy about the decision for the damage it seems to be causing.

Getting very anxious as I am having a look around the site for more advice and see there are people saying they regret having kids and that they are very depressed all the time. I am scared incase that ends up being me and incase I should never have done this.
I don't want a life of regret and I am so afraid that these fears won't lift.