Can anyone help me calm down, relax and start enjoying this pregnancy?

[Margie32]

I am 22.5 weeks pg, and I live in constant fear of something going wrong. I lost my first baby in March when I was 19 wks pg as a result of amniocentisis, which probably goes some way to explain my constant worrying. We had our 5 month scan a couple of weeks ago and everything looked fine, but I still can't relax and let myself enjoy it. I'm paranoid that our baby will die between now and the birth...there is no logic to it, but I can't get the thought out of my head. Whenever I do something "bad", like allow myself a glass of wine, I then spend the next 24 hours beating myself up about it.

I am usually a calm, optimistic sort of person, and feel so frustrated for myself and my baby that I can't stop these constant fears from taking over.

Does anyone else feel like this?

yes - all the time..........

Sorry I can't say anything to help but you are not alone.

P.S. I am at 14 weeks.

I'm 31 weeks and constantly fear that something awful will happen to the baby.... I can't get my head round the idea that our very loved and wanted baby will be ok. So I think you're worries and concerns are probably normal. Good luck :)

I lost my baby at 19 weeks too and felt exactly the same with my subsequent pg. Did you have any counselling through your bereavement midwife? - I found that helped me.

hi, i'm the same. we have had four miscarriages in a row and been through hell. i'm now 20 weeks pregnant and constantly fearing it will all go wrong. the next worry is the 21 week scan. there's always something else to be fearful about. i don't have any advice - i think if you've been through a trauma like this it's only natural to be fearful next time round....

I'm still a bit terrified and my miscarriages were all early. At 24 weeks I'm only just starting to think about possibly having a take-home baby by New Year.

I think it's normal, especially if you have a worrying history.

I just try to remember that stress isn't good for either of us, so even if I'm panicking mentally I try to use calm breathing and relaxation. It helps that baby is now kicking me regularly - it's like she reminds me that she's still there!

I have a science background so try to follow the evidence and that helps me - e.g. in that there is no evidence that 1 unit of alcohol does any damage, and especially not after the 1st trimester.

It's quite natural that you should be scared after your previous experience. One thing you could try is to imagine the rest of your pregnancy and the birth going perfectly well. What is the best it could possibly go? Imagine you are telling the story to a friend after the birth, and describing how everything went just as you wanted it to. Imagine you have your beautiful baby in your arms as you're telling the story.

I don't really have any advice but I sometimes feel quite anxious too. I'm 26 weeks now and now that miscarriage is no longer a risk I'm worrying mainly about two things - baby being premature or just something going wrong in utero. (I recently saw something on here about a Chloe's count the kicks campaign, which although it said didn't aim to scare women certainly scared me!) I'm not the sort to get in a panic if I touched a bit of soil with my bare hands or lifted something heavy, but I worry about things beyond my control. I have to tell myself that every day thousands of women have perfectly healthy term babies, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be one of them.

Yes love.
Am 17 wks now have 4 healthy dcs although one was born at 29 wks now 23 yrs old and huge. had a mc before dd now 8 at 12wks. am 43 now and been with younger dh for 3yrs we accepted we wouldn't have kids due to my age and chemotherapy but then hey presto! can't believe my little miracle and worry constantly. especially as I know its a one off. I reassure myself that so many of us do worry but all is mostly ok. also don't look on gloomy stuff on here. good luck x

Sorry to hear about your earlier loss, Margie. You're about 4 days behind me in terms of gestation this time round. I'm due on Boxing Day.

I had two early MCs before DS, and even after having DS a couple of years ago, when most things were fine, I still worry this time round. I'm 23 weeks and I do still check the loo after I've been, for Signs that something's wrong.

I think it gets a lot easier once you've had one healthy pregnancy and baby, which is ok for me to say but please remember, this pregnancy WILL be your first healthy one with a healthy baby.

I think we're all taught to be too risk-adverse during pregnancy - when it's a situation that's almost always out of our control. Most pregnancies that fail do so for reasons we can't control, not because we ate unwashed salad or soft eggs or blue cheese. But because controlling what we eat, or what we do, is within our control, it becomes something to fix on. I'm not sure it helps though - being sensible is one thing but the current guidelines could send a pregnant woman round the bend. I think the more you seek out 'safe' strategies like not touching cold cuts/soft eggs etc, the more you worry. You will find something else to worry about after you restrict your behaviour in one way.

I did a course of CBT in the first trimester of DS's pregnancy, because I was freaking out about another MC all the time, and I think it really helped me to stop catastrophising about everything. I'd recommend it - even just following exercises in a CBT book is good, as it trains you out of thinking of the worst case scenario.

I'm always worrying about some aspect or another- it's frustrating me as this is first pregnancy for me so I don't have any history to explain why i'm worrying- other than my natural tendancy to over analyse everything! my current worry is my triple test result even though it's come back low risk, purely because is not as low risk as the average for my age. I'm also already excited but also really nervous for my 20 wk scan in a fortnight!
Nearly all my mum friends have told me they were the same, ending one worry only when a panic about something else kicks in!
I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better but sometimes I really think it can help to just hear you're not the only one!
Take care! x

Also have that concern too as am 43. Had good nt scan at fmc in harley st and got i in 600 was really pleased and relieved and decided not to have cvs. Later read about other results and now my odds seem high. You cant win.I think its just a worrying time for everyone just try to keep it in perspective. If i do get really ott i console myself with the other good things in my life that will still be there if the worse does occurr.

I know what you mean, I am a natural worrier too, even worse now that I am 17 wks pregnant and also had 4 (early) mcs previously.

I'm sorry for your loss at 19wks, it sounds traumatic. I agree that CBT may be helpful. I went to my doctor after my 4th mc and have been referred to a stress control workshop, I'm hoping this will help at least a little bit. Could be worth a try?

I do also feel calmer when visually thinking about my baby and holding him/her etc when they come. Although then I worry that I am "jinxing" things - you can't win!

You are not alone, I hope things go smoothly and as stress-free for you as possible!

Thanks so much for all your messages, as you say amigoingmad, it really helps to know that I'm not the only one. Like you IlovePonyo I keep worrying about jinxing things - can't bring myself to buy anything for the baby yet, as I feel like it's tempting fate.

I did have counselling after we lost our son, which helped a lot, but because my pregnancies were so close together I think a lot of my feelings were still raw and mixed up, and the joy of the second pregnancy is somehow intertwined with the sorrow over the first one. But I'm not complaining - that's the way things went and I feel very happy and lucky to have been given a second chance so soon.

You've all made me feel much better, thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Good luck and big hugs to all of you .

We both need to stop worrying about jinxing things! (easier said than done )

Good luck with everything Margie, glad you feel a bit better :)