Feel Like an Unappreciated Servant

[justanuthermanicmumsday]

Hi just got a little rant, don't know if anyone can give me advice that could help.

i'm 38 weeks, fed up of waiting for the baby to come, i had last 2 @38 wks so i'm hoping any day now.

I love my husband but he has made this pregnancy really hard for me. It's been the worst in terms of SPD. The pelvic pain has been so excruciating i've sat crying, and i'm the type of girl who has a high threshold for pain. I mean i didnt cry when i gave birth to my last 2 kids and didn't take any sort of pain relief.

Husband did do some housework first few months of pregnancy, and i was happy, because i had major fatigue and dizziness. But since the pregnancy has progressed and my SPD has got worse to the point i can't walk to the bottom of my street, he hasn't lifted a finger.

If i complain or am seen crying due to pain he snaps at me like i am the problem. i mean do i need to always give him instructions vacum the living room please. i mean if i can see the dirt why can't he. I really think it's a lame excuse, i don't see why i should have to instruct him to do things, who instructs me?

same with laundry, ironing. Cooking is the worst in terms of pain, i mean i can feel the pain at night and can't sleep after a cooking session.i try and do it quick, and sit on a chair whenever possible. But ladies we know its hard to stir a pot sitting down, not on the right level.

My main problem is the pain, and midwife has told me the only way is to do less physical stuff and rest. i can't rest because he doesn't do anything, unless its with a grumpy face, then i feel bad about asking.

I haven't said much of late because its the month of fasting for us. I havent fasted because im very late in pregnancy wouldnt be wise. But that doesn't mean he cant do anything, i mean he still goes out to work, so why can't he do little things lke dishes, emptying trash?

ive had 2 other kids and straight after fasted a month with them. i didn't neglect housework for a month just coz i was fasting. i didn't see no sympathy coming my way then.

i duno i just feel like im a skivvy right now, im soo fed up. he likes to point out my faults but he never admits his. if i had the means i'd take my kids and go to my dads right now. But money is tight so im stuck

sorry about the rant, im just feeling really low, and hes too busy sitting on computer whenever he is free.

oh poor you justanothermanicmumsday, things sound really, really tough. And your husband sounds like a selfish p. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you are heroic to put up with all that.

Is there anyone he will listen to? DOes he respond to people in authority - e.g., could the midwife or a doctor have a word around the time of the birth? Or maybe a religious leader if he would listen to them and you think the leader would be sympathetic to your point of view?

I don't know what else to suggest, except this, and: stop doing anything for your husband. Don't cook, don't clean, and definitely don't do his washing. Just look after yourself and the kids, and even then do the bare minimum. They won't be harmed if they're not spotless and eating home cooking for a few weeks (or even months).

Going to your dad's sounds like a good idea. Do they live really far away?

PS, do you have any medication for the pain?

oh on top of this he wants to bring over his sister and their kids straight after i have my new baby. i wanted to go over to my parental home, so my dad and siblings could all see the new baby.i';ve recenty lost my mother still grieving, i want to be close to my family. Apparently it would be cheaper if his sister came down, as we will also be moving house at the same time.

i suggested we go to parents in xmas and his sister can come another time, since it will be too hectic with the house move and me having baby for them to come. but he doesn't understand.

The reason i dont want them coming so soon after birth is i need the rest. i've got a house move aswell, and im utterly depressed. i dont think i could wait on his sis they have afamily of 6 altogether, then my family of3 kids and 3 adults including me. it's gona be too much for me.

now if i say anything about his sis coming over he will think i dont like her, and thts not the issue at all, timing is bad i need to put myself first for once.

no i havent got anything for the pain. to be honest midwife made out like there was nothing i could do except take paracetamol or see physio. but physio waiting is 3 wks, ive only got 2 wks to go doubt i will get an appointment soon enough.

Well they're in the uk but its like a 6 hour drive away. plane tickets can cost a lot more money if not prebooked, its cheaper to drive over.

Does he understand how much pain you're in, that you have an actual medical condition and that you've been told by a health professional that you need to rest? If so I'm amazed that he's not taking better care of you, especially when you're pregnant with his child.

I agree about maybe getting the midwife or someone to talk to him (does he come to appointments with you?) so he knows it's a real issue, you're not just complaining or being lazy. It might just make more of an impression on him?

Rubbish re. pain - go and see your GP. They may be happy to prescribe something like co-dydramol, which has codeine in it. Don't hold back. Tell them that you are crying in pain, and that you didn't even cry when you had your kids. Sometimes they are a bit reluctant to prescribe when you are near to term, but I would think that in your case whether the benefits would outweigh the harm. No way your midwife should have just fobbed you off like that.

Now, about the house move and having your in laws down -that is totall totally unacceptable. Tell him no, in no uncertain terms, and don't worry what he thinks about you. He needs to get some respect! I know it's hard to see sometimes when you're deep in a situation, but really, it is completely unreasonable what he is asking of you.

Honestly, if I were you I would be tempted to get on the internet now and book trains or flights for you and your kids to go to your dad's ASAP after the birth. Tell your hubby he is welcome to come if he wants, if not, he can stay at home and look after himself.

I am really sorry about your mum, BTW. What a hard time for you.

Sorry for the typos, just so cross on your behalf I wanted to get it all down quickly!

I really feel for you, this must be so stressful for you. Firstly, if the MW has told you to rest, then rest and if anyone has a problem, point them in the direction of the cooker/sink/vacuum/washing machine. I got fed up last week and left my DP's washing undone, so he decided to do it himself. He left it wet so long it stank and then complained to me about it. I told him he needed to finish the job as the washing fairy was away at the moment. I think he got the point. He even did the washing up the next day!
In terms of what you want to do when the baby's born. You need to make that decision and he needs to support you so you need to make sure he knows how important that is to you. Especially having lost your mum, it must be a difficult time.
I hope you manage to work something out.

thank you for your advice narmada, saoirse and ephiny really appreciate support. Can't really speak to my friends about it. one would blab everything to other ppl, and the other close mate is going through rough time with terminally ill parent so i don't want to offload on her. it's nice to have a third party who take the time to listen and reply thank u so much.

Poor you - I do sympathise and think a lot of us have probably gone through this at some point.

My husband works very long hours and therefore does not do anything around the house. I don't have any children (roll on November...)so luckily don't have to look after them while pregnant but do everything else around the house. I can't really complain as I am not working anymore, but sometimes it would be nice if he washed up or took the bin out or didn't stomp dirt into the house and then leave it for me to clean up.

I have had 'the conversation' with him about being more thoughtful and he acts on it for about two days before forgetting.

Men can be very self-absorbed. Maybe your approach is too softly softly and you need to be more vocal (i.e demanding and loud).

I know that if I were crying in pain and my DH snapped at me I would tell him to F**k off but that is not everyones preferred method of communication!

Just look after yourself and your children and forget about him. Don't do his laundry and don't do his cooking etc. Sod him for the time being.

Look after yourself and only do what is absolutely necessary.

I agree with others that you need to be very firm with him and make it clear that you are not going to be bullied and won't be doing certain things. If he doesn't like it - well that's just tough.

ty daisy for your input