Feeling down

[arabella2]

Hello
This might be a little selfish to be posting this as I am sure more people have been through these feelings but to get it off my chest...
I am almost 6 weeks pregnant and the nausea is slowly kicking in - it has brought memories of how hard it was last time to feel so fragile except this time I am afraid it will put some kind of distance between me and ds...
I co-sleep with ds and also still breastfeed - I know this has to stop because a) ds is going to be 2 in November and b) I think he needs at least a 6 month gap before he sees a small baby drinking milk but the thing is that this habit is SOOOO entrenched that I really don't know how to do it without causing huge upset - dh was banging on this morning about how I had to stop because he didn't want to see ds distraught when the new baby comes along (as if I do) blah blah and how he could sleep with ds... suddenly this has made me feel very sad - as if I am going to lose my little boy to his dad!!! Anyway I am going to try to cut down on the feeding but I think dh and I should have a thing where if ds needs us it should be him one night and me the next - I don't see why I should bow out of the night thing altogether...
I'd forgotten how trapped I felt with a newborn but it is slowly coming back... plus the fact that there are going to be several weeks of nausea plus maybe bleeding as I had with ds and there could also be a miscarriage as I have also had before...
I know I am feeling sorry for myself and I do want another baby for ds etc... (plus I know how lucky I am to have conceived so quickly, it too 3.5 years with ds for various reasons) but I think maybe it is a bit soon and we should have waited until ds was sleeping properly. I hope the embryo or whatever it is called at this stage is not getting bad vibes from me because they are not intended in this way.
Plus this morning I was in a real fog - ds slept badly last night and I was feeling nauseous - dh was on the phone to his sister shouting at me to pick up a piece of paper ds was going to fall on... I was embarrassed at being shouted at like that and also embarrassed that I did not have the presence of mind to get rid of the piece of paper myself.
I don't know if I am ready for the same onslaught of MIL, parents and family on both sides that there was for the birth of ds and ready to feel so trapped all over again... All this has not been helped by the fact that dh's Aunt and Uncle from India have been staying and his Aunt has been telling me how I should be doing everything in the house etc... this has depressed me as well, I thought I was doing okay but her hierarchical view of things was like a boulder on my shoulders. They are away this week but are coming back at the weekend - luckily MIL will be here as well who has a somewhat different view on things so maybe that will temper the Aunts constant intrusive opinions. No-one knows I am pregnant thankfully.
There, this is how my cheerful thought pattern is going today.
Anyone know how long the premenstrual feelings go on for when you are pregnant? I can't really remember from last time. One thing I am remembering is the trauma of labour - it wasn't that bad last time but shocking all the same - aaargh - talk about being out of control.
Anyway, feel free to slap me round the face if I am being overly self-absorbed!

Poor you, arabella2, you really feel rough. Early pregnancy is such a drain, especially when you're not yet ready to announce. You're not being selfish or self-absorbed at all. These are important issues that you're bringing up. There are bound to be Mumsnetters who've had experience of your various situations and can give advice if you want them to. The one thing I can tell you about is the labour worry. I felt the same way as you, and guess what, it was shorter, easier, more painful (no pain relief this time), far less traumatic and just as marvelous. I felt embarassed about making a fuss over my first labour, but when I was at the hospital's refresher course I found myself getting very angry over things that had happened to me during that labour. So I got in touch with the Liaison Midwife and had a sort of debriefing one-to-one with her. It made a world of a difference and I'm sure helped me with the second labour. The things that happen to you are important to you and affect you, no matter what happens to others.

Arabella, my website is here . Some women experience PMS symptoms all the way through their pregnancies, some like me have waves of PMS that come and go. Your hormones are all over the place right now, and will not properly settle down until you are 12 weeks, so hopefully any depression should disperse then. But if not, there are things you can do to deal with these feelings, my site gives you a general idea of what your options are.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and having waves of depression hit me too. It is very hard to deal with and you do need the support of your family, so do sit down with your partner and tell him how you are feeling and what he can do to help. Also talk it over with your GP and midwife, you'll feel a lot better once you know that you have support available.

Don't worry though, it is normal to feel this way, even with a planned baby. Have a look at the thread above yours!

Hi
this is my first ever post on Mumsnet, so far I've just been a silent lurker - but your post reminded me very much of my own situation a few months ago. I'm about to give birth to my second child any day now, and I'm still co-sleeping and breastfeeding my daughter who is 2 years 2 months. When I first found out I was pregnant I panicked quite a bit about the b/f and the sleeping, thinking 'I have to do something about it', on the other hand not wanting to because I felt desperately sad to lose the closeness I had with dd. All this was not helped by me feeling nauseous constantly for the first 16 weeks, dd waking up all the time etc etc Well with regards to the b/f and sleeping I was undecided for so long that in the end I just had to let things run and see what would happen, because the closer the due date came the more I felt it would be traumatic for dd to have to stop b/f and then to see that the baby was allowed. And I have found that the problem has really sorted itself out, because dd has developed so much over the last six months, understanding so much more, you can negotiate with her about the length etc of the b/f, and she has suddenly started to sleep through the whole night, while still in our bed, without me doing anything about it. You also have to remember that many children will stop b/f themselves during pregnancy because the milk dries up, so that would take the matter out of your hands as well. Also, have you thought about tandem feeding, which is what I'm going to be doing? I think it CAN work very well, as the older child can be included and not feel rejected, even though I obviously don't know yet if this is really true.
Anyway, what I mainly wanted to say is: Don't make any hasty decisions which you might regret, when in fact some problems might solve themselves!

Hi Arabella, just wanted to say I sympathise with the PMT-like symptoms when first pregnant - I've had these both times and turned into raging hormonal monster from hell but this time it seemed to abate from about 15 ?ish weeks onwards. I'm not exactly Ms calm and reasonable now at 24 weeks but I'm better than I was. Labour, well, I'm still cacking it about that but come and look at the home birth thread, you're not alone (even if you're not going for home, just will show you that these feelings are normal). sorry, no advice on the other stuff but just wanted to sympathise. IKWYM about in laws/relatives and well meaning but unwanted advice too. Hard isn't it? So no slaps from me...

I'm so glad mumsnet is here so that we don't all feel so isolated. I have felt incredibly happy throughout this second pregnancy but over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling quite down. After the birth of my first son I had depression for 4 months. I feel like I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling incase people start giving me that look again that they did when I had PND. I also don't want people to think that i don't want my baby. Labour has a big part to play in depression so I think first of all it might help to face your anxieties over your first birth and to take control as much as possible in your choice of delivery. Don't under estimate how traumatic it can be to wean your baby off the breast, I think that more than anything else is what is causing you to feel so low. Keep focused on how to make yourself feel better in every situation and if neccesary completely ignore your dh as I have had to over the last few months. It sounds horrible but my dh is basically another whinging child and I really have had to abandon him for a while to concentrate on making my commitments and chores less strained. It will work out in the end and family are always annoying theres no way around it, focus on yourself until you feel better.

Thank you for your words of encouragement everybody. Everybody said something which helps and/or which I agreed with. It is the thought of stopping breastfeeding which is making me feel sad and I have to say that I am shelving this issue for the moment, though I do have to deal with it as I do not want to tandem feed and I know that at some point ds and I have to agree to "move on" - I just wish it would come from him which as you say emkaren may happen.
I think both dh and I are in shock really at this happening again so soon - dh is worried because of the continued disruption to his working life - he works from home a lot and just as ds will be getting more independent along comes another baby, but I truly believe he will be very happy when the baby is here. He really dotes on ds and it will be the same thing. I just can't believe how crap I feel feeling sick etc... (and how long the feeling sick part is going to go on for, it stopped at about 15 weeks last time and I am only week 6.
Once I have got over the "dangerous" first trimester then I will definitely make plans for a different birth to last time (well, in a different place) - the other major thing I have to do is help ds learn how to sleep through the night.....
Thanks again.

I think what is different being pregnant this second time around (well third if you count my miscarriage before ds) is that I now know what a HUGE undertaking it all is and how taxing it is on your body, maybe because I know all of the stages of pregnancy and birth it is somehow more frightening than when it is the unknown.

Completely agree with your second posting Arabella, I think it sums up how I've been feeling sporadically too.