who DIDN'T bond with baby from birth?

[onastar]

First timer. Usual fears, especially that I won't feel the rush of overwhelming love that some women feel from the birth.

Interested to know the truth about other's experiences?

I had an emcs and didn't see my DD as soon as she was born. So I did not have an overwhelming rush of love. DD had reflux and the first year was really difficult.

She is now 2.3 and I feel so much love for her. I can't imagine being without her. I enjoy being with her, even when she has tantrums. I can't resist looking at her sleeping. In other words, I am absolutely certain she is the best toddler in the world .

Don't worry about how you will feel about your baby. Some people do get an immediate rush of love, with others it builds over time.

I struggled a lot after a difficult birth - not helped by being constantly reminded of the 'rush of love' I should feel. But, 4 months on I was head over heels in love with him and still am.

I wouldn't put any pressure on yourself - you've got to get to know this little person and the process of doing that will make you fall in love with them. Of course, there's a fierce protectiveness that is there for a lot of women from the off. But, love, I think, comes later.

Goof luck with it all.

Hi,

Had my first when I was 21 and didn't bond with my daughter till she was 5mths old, not everyone is the same and at the time is was because I had post natal depression which wasn't found out till much later.
I'm now 28 and 34+3 and now I know the signs I'm hoping if I did get it this time round that I can get it sorted a lot sooner. :)

I had a really traumatic birth with DD. I did not even want to hold her once she had been born and felt indifferent towards her for quite a long time afterwards. She was colicy and had reflux which did not help.

However, I can honestly say that she is now my whole world. I love her so so so much..

I completely agree that even if you don't have an immediate rush of love, that has no bearing on how you will feel in the long run, so don't worry!

With my first DS I didnt feel "love" straight away for him I felt the need to protect and care for him but I wasnt in love with him that didnt come for a good few weeks, then one day I looked at him and thought god I love you!
With my second DS from the moment I saw him I loved him he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I was 26 when I had my first DS and thought this is it from now on I am not the most important person, he is! I will never again be able to do anything without thinking about him first. With DS2 this fear was not there because I had DS1 so I dont know if that is why my feelings were different

No rushes of love here. I fall for 'em slowly as I learn who they are as people, but it's amazing that way too. You will love your baby, don't you worry about that!

I didn't either.

I loved my DD, I would have done anything to protect her,but I wouldn't say I bonded with her until she was about 10 months old.

No real reason really. I didn't have PND. I had a nasty, but not particularly unusual, birth.

I think DD was just a very restless, unhappy small baby. And I am not good with tiny babies.

She is now 16 months and I say at least a few times a day how wonderful she is and how head over heels I am in love with her.

Don't worry yourself, but if it doesn't come instantly, that doesn't mean it won't come.

Nope. I didn't feel any huge rush of love for ds1. My first thought, was "F*@k that's a big baby. he looks like my brother. I'm tired"
The changes in my life were so drastic that I didn't even have time to recognise the love. It wasn't until he was about 5 months when he really started to smile and he could sit up etc and we could play together and he could hold things that i bonded with him.
Ds2, it took alot longer, he might of been about a year

FWIW, i seriously think this whole instant rush of love thing is way exagerated

If it doesn't come at first, it WILL come eventually and it will knock you sideways - honestly!! It's the best feel;ing in the world too.

Don't worry about it at this stage - deal with it if it comes to that. You will still be a good mummy and care for your child really well without the babymoon thing.

I was lucky in that I knew my mum was fairly ambivalent about me when I was born - she didn't have a rush of love. But I know she loves me now :).

I had nothing more than wonderment and acceptance when DS was born. The love grew over time, although there was a protectiveness which came sooner. I was really worried about it, as you are, especially as I was having a section, knowing I was going to have no labour and no hormones to help. But I'm not worried this time - not at all, because I know it will come and it will be amazing :)

I felt fond, but it took some months before I really fell in love.

Now she is my sun, moon and stars.

I think that experience was quite useful, actually. I've just adopted, and adore my new dd but, in just the same way, feel that the big love will grow over months. I think it might really bother me if I felt differently about my two girls in the early weeks of knowing them, but so far the feelings are very similar.

Interesting to see how many posters had experienced difficult births and emergency CS. Me too. Makes you realise how much is to do with hormones.

I had an EMCS and woke up to DH anouncing that I has lovely baby girl. I spent the first day drugged up/sleeping and the first night staring at her in her crib. She slept pretty much all the way through.

I was in shock I think. I was expecting this big bonding thing and it never came. I had the urge to take care of her and an overwhelming sense of worry/resentment that I was somehow "tied" down. It took weeks, but the "love" thing kind of crept up on me. Then I was totally smitten.

I felt terribly guilty and it was only afterwards that I learnt that not everyone gets this full on stuff from birth.

Onastar, given the wording of your thread title you might just get the mothers who didn't bond iyswim - it's what drew me - so it might skew the response.

The reasons I didn't bond with dc1 were similar to what has already been written: traumatic delivery, post natal complications, failure to bf (which was a big deal to me), a colicky baby, undiagnosed pnd, no family support and loneliness having moved to new area. In fact looking back pnd or bonding issues were almost a given.

Was worried about bonding when pg again, but I did things that made a big difference:

• plenty of skin-to-skin (even if not bf) as soon as possible after birth and subsequently as often as possible, so you get to know baby, get confident in handling them and to sleep when they sleep
• not having all and sundry visit for 10 days immediately afterwards but giving time to nursing, sleeping, eating
• to not stress about bf
• taking charge of the birth

I didnt. No idea why. First wk with ds I was in a lot of pain with sitches and not having the ability to poo- it was hurrendous. I was exhausted from such a long labour. You never get that sleep back. I should of stayed in hospital longer rather than rushing to leave. Maybe that would of helped. Anyhow, 6 weeks on I absolutely adore him and am consciously aware of not being pfb with him.

Nope - DD was C-section baby. She irritated me for a long time... I had PND then the love came from somewhere. Same for DS. Had PND, failed to BF and again just hated the broken nighs of crying etc. Never minded being parted from either of them as babies, and again somewhere along the line I fell in love with both of them. They are gorgeous. One of the best pieces of advice I got was not to worry if I didn't have that massive rush of love.

Me. Didn't feel that until about 12 weeks. Before that I'd have happily given him away to anyone who'd take him. I found the relentlessness of a newborn (particularly one who didn't sleep at all) overwhelming. I also hated bfing but felt obliged to carry on and resented him for demanding food all day long.

Did feel the overwhleming rush thing with ds2 though.

I didn't feel the rush of love thing either - AND I had a reeeeally easy birth (45min labour!) and DS is an easy, sleepy, jolly baby. Go figure.

I did feel the urge to protect, though. I also felt the resentment at being tied down thing that someone mentioned above.

Now DS is 10mo and is a 'real person', I am besotted.

Thanks very much - some interesting and comforting responses. Makes a big difference to see the other side to the mythical 'mind-blowing rush of love.' Makes me think whatever happens at birth, the love will come - seems to have done for everyone on this thread, at some point

The love WILL come - I promise!

The love will come - totally!

I did bond with DD straight away but the combination of horrid traumatic birth, sleepless nights, problems breastfeeding and little support led to PND and basically not wanting to be near her at all for a while. Once I got treatment and things got better I slowly got to know her and gradually fell in love with her again. Now at 22 months I love her more than its possible to imagine and I tell her all the time and give her loads of hugs and kisses every day - she is amazing!

I don't think it makes any difference in the end if you 'bond' immediately or not, it will happen.

Oh no, I didn't feel a huge rush of love, but it didn't bother me as I wasn't expecting to feel one! After all, I didn't love DH when I first met him, I didn't love the cat when I first got him (yes I know cats and babies are different!!). I'm sure if anyone does feel like this straight away it's down to all those hormones!

Anyway - 4 months on and OF COURSE I'm totally besotted!! And you will be too whenever it happens

With dd I didn't have a rush of love. I was all groggy from anaesthetics and had a caesarean and didn't pick her up much the first couple of days. Wasn't interested in her somehow. Dd didn't breastfeed well either so that didn't help. Took me quite a few weeks to bond with her.
Was very different with ds. Had a VBAC, cuddle and bf immediately and felt on cloud nine.
Now she's 9 and he's 4 and it doesn't matter at all - they are both my lovely kids.

Found there wasnt the same rush of love with DS2. Nasty birth and was a bit shook but found myself really missing DS1 and felt he was struggling with the change and wanted to keep all normal for him. The balancing act wore me out really. I did love DS2 and would have done anything to care and protect him but it just wasnt as intense. Then as his own personality etc started to emerge I just began to fall in love with him. By the time he was 10 weeks old I totally adored him and actually really loved our journey too. For a while it just 'the baby' but then when you get your head around the change and adjust to it all you see them for themselves and the love just deepens.