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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

My friend

5 replies

PYT · 19/08/2010 20:34

My best friend has just discovered she is pregnant as the result of a casual relationship that has only been going on for 2 months.

She is 34 yrs old and has had two previous terminations (one in her teens, one about 3 years ago). She has always wanted children, and says that part of her feels like she should go ahead with the pregnancy regardless of what the guy thinks. She also says she doesn't know if she can go through with another termination.

Hoever, the guy has gone ballistic. He was due to leave the country at the end of the year to work abroad. He says he is too young to settle down (he's 27) and that he absolutely does NOT want this baby. He has pressurised her into going to the doctor's together to discuss their 'options' next week.

My friend is a very successful woman with a good job, although the maternity benefits are pretty poor (12 weeks on 90% pay, then 12 weeks on stat maternity pay). She is currently sharing a rented flat with a friend (such is the life of professionals in London!) and has few savings and quite a lot of credit card debt. She is an only child, but her mum does live close by, is retired and they are very close. She is desperately worried about how she will manage bringing up a child on her own, and whether it would be fair to go ahead with the pregnancy or not.

As you can tell, she is very confused. We had a long chat on the phone earlier and I tried very hard just to listen, be supportive and let her know that i am there for her whatever she decides. We are having dinner next week and I want some advice on how I can handle this situation with her. What else can i do to help her? My gt feeling is that she should have the baby. She really wants a baby but just hasn't met the right guy (has had several long term relationships with men that didn't want to settle down).

I know I can't (and won't) tell her what I think she should do, because it is her decision and she will have to live with it. I guess I just want to know what the right thing to do is.

TIA!

OP posts:
FourEyesGood · 19/08/2010 20:43

Seems like you already know what the right thing to do is: listen to her and support her, but don't tell her what to do. It's probably best to avoid making any judgments about the man in case it all works out for them (or he might turn out to be essentially irrelevant in the end). Many women bring up children in much tougher circumstances, but that's scant consolation for your friend; this is her dilemma and she has to do what feels right for her.

Whatever she decides to do it sounds as though you're a good friend!

PYT · 19/08/2010 20:49

Thanks FourEyesGood. I know I can't make any judgement call on any aspect of her situation, really. I just really feel for her. She is completely confused.

I am totally pro-choice, but can't help thinking she will regret it if she terminates. Also think she would be a brilliant mother. It's quite hard to keep that in (although of course, I will!).

OP posts:
KnockedUpMell · 19/08/2010 21:10

wow that's a tough one. I found out I was PG a couple of weeks ago and have been really struggling to get my bf to come round to the idea that having a baby is not such a bad idea, and he's finally agreed that it may not be the end of the world if we did. But for a while, I was seriously considering whether or not I could go it alone if he said no, and it was incredibly stressful. I know one of the options I was thinking about was getting my parents to help out initially, and I think at a time like this, you need all the support you can get. I too couldn't help feeling that I would really regret having a termination, and that although the thought of being a parent scared me (just thinking of all that responsibility), my very first reaction when I saw that BFP was incredible joy, and from that moment, I knew my heart was set on continuing the pregnancy. It was just a matter of getting my head round the idea, and getting my man to bf to see my point of view. Just be there for your friend, she probably just needs someone to listen so she can figure out her feelings.

PotPourri · 19/08/2010 21:15

just let her talk and reassure her that you will be there either way and that it is her decision now (the man has no right to force a termination)

fwiw, I think you sound really lovely. She's lucky to have you

missedith01 · 19/08/2010 21:27

I think all you can do is try to give her the confidence to make her own decision and not be pressurised by this man or anyone else. She will be the one dealing with the outcome, after all. Perhaps get her to imagine herself in 12 months time and how she would like to be once her immediate difficulties are passed.

On a practical note, her maternity pay must be better than that, if she's eligible they will have to pay SMP for 39 weeks for one thing. Perhaps suggest that she gets some benefit advice from CAB so she knows more about how her finances will work out?

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