My husband is being so selfish...

[cmutter]

Sorry, got to have a good old whinge. I am due to have my fourth child in less than two weeks time and despite this I am getting next to no help from my husband as far as housework is concerned. He works away from Mon-Fri, doesn't have to do anything other than think about himself during the week and come the weekends he sits on the sofa and if I ask him to help out there's always an excuse. The only thing he does do without having to be nagged at is his laundry and his ironing. Last weekend I asked him to do the laundry for me as it's getting difficult with my SPD. He washed it, stuck it on the clothes horse and it's still sat there, I'm tempted to leave it there for him as well. I asked him to hoover the sitting room- he told our 9 yr old son to do it. I asked him to make dinner - he ordered a take-away. I have just had to bite the bullet and get a decorator to finish my son's bedroom - my husband started it over 3 mnths ago and all he has done is stripped the paper. I am at my wits end and so frustrated. I don't get to sit around arsing about and I am heavily pregnant so I don't see why he should. I think he feels hard done by because he's working away and missing home and the kids but I could really do with some sort of support, not just another person to pick up after. Does anyone have any advice other than divorce?!

Sounds rubbish, you have my sympathies. Definitely leave the clothes on the clothes horse and I'd also forget about hoovering or doing housework of any kind that wasn't essential to your DC's immediate survival. Eat the takeaways and try to sit around arsing about as much as poss for the next two weeks. You deserve it.

No earth shattering advice but you have my sympathies!
I ended up at midwife yesterday (am 37.5wks) as felt ill. All ok but she said basically you HAVE to slow down, no housework or rushing around, all this said in front of DP .
I only have one DC but what I am now doing is keeping him fed, clean and loved and that is that. Yes I will potter around doing small jobs but hoovering, heavy cleaning, all that DP is having to do that or if not I can live with the mess!!

Thanks! I hate feeling lazy and not doing the housework but if it's not done it's not the end of the world. I am always the first person to jump in and want to help friends and family and can't understand how my DH doesn't feel the slightest pang of guilt not pulling his weight. I was so angry this morning when I went into my DS room to see if it was ready for the decorator arriving tomorrow. DH has ruined a bookcase with polyfilla, left dirty decorating clothes on the floor, dirty mugs galore and tools all over the place with tool box lying practically empy in the middle of the room after I asked him to clear up the mess so that they could get to work straight away. Hardly fair. Grr, men.

I can't imagine any mum of 4 being lazy, i have 5 and its really hard work.
No advice i'm afraid but i just wanted to say that you have my sympathy (i'm preganant and suffer SPD too,bloody hurts !).
My friend was saying her husband always uses the line 'well if you just tell me what needs doing i'll do it'. Laughable really because who tells us what needs doing,we've got eyes and can see and as such get on with it !
But at least her husband asks i guess and then usually does.
Its no wonder you sound fed up, i hope he gets a kick up the bum at some point and realises you need a hand, at least at weekends if nothing else.
Take care x

I've just cried reading your post because thats exactly how i feel. :(

I'm a CM and still working (also due in 2 weeks) and house has to be tidy to a standard and obviously there's more tidying and washing up etc because of this. However hubby doesn't 'get' that we still have 2 children who make a mess and need feeding etc but i'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to get him to help out. He's a shift worker and so unless he has an 8am start (earliest shift he has) then he won't bother getting up until at least 9.30/10am and moans when i turn in at 10pm cos i just want my bed.

Anyway, i'm a moany cow who apparently likes to nag because i'm bored and like picking fights!

hey hum!

I have no advice, but I am genuinely curious as to why you are all having more children with these vile sounding men?

Because unfortunately you are only hearing our sides of the story and us having a whinge and letting off steam!

Of course your only going to hear the bad bits about our men because we are sounding off.

I'm leaving out all the bits my husband does do.... The weekly shop, puts the kids to bed (when his shift allows), runs my bath, cooks the meals, etc

The joys of a forum means we can have a bitch and a moan without having to give a fair and balanced view of how great they can be too! Sympathy!

I feel for you. I don't know what would work but I'm someone who deals with these things in stages I start by asking nicely and explaining why I need the help if nothing happens I then ask again while getting rather snappy. If that fails I usually create an argument which he get's furious about and tells me how awful I am and how hard I make his life and he does everything for the family and so on then if hes still not helping me I usually do something quite dramatic like putting the chain on the door so he can't get back in, making him sleep on the setee or I have before now thrown away items such as clothes or any other crap he hasn't moved out the way. Although I save the dramatic actions for true nescessity otherwise it deadens the effect with him. He usually reacts furiously then calms down apologises and then helps me loads as he feels guilty.

But with all this said my DH has quite a sense of humour and laughs about things afterwards and we do have quite an openly argumentative relationship. Usually we have small but quite explosive arguments but then the air is cleared he usually does what's required i.e. housework stuff or childcare although I have to say I'm yet to work out how to make him keep it up as he'll spend a few days being great then slip back to old habits!

I think if I was doing everything in the house and I had three children I'm not sure I'd go for a fourth

i think you should print this off and let him read it. then he should feel ashamed!

Can you afford a cleaner?

If so I think that this is your best bet.

If he is missing the children so much then at the weekends he should be taking them out and playing with them, not sitting on the sofa all day

Didn't sound to me like posters husband is vile, i didn't read it like that. Also everytime i dare have a moan about one of my kids i get the 'well why have so many response' lol, like no one with one child or two ever has the odd moan.
I think some husbands just lack a bit of understanding and need the occasional 'kick up the bum'.
That said it might be good for the poster to gently suggest to her husband that as he must miss the children (and they miss him) that he should play with them or take them out times when he is home as PfftTheMagicDragon suggests.
I'd encourage him to have some one to one time with the kids telling him how much the kids would benefit and then you pop round to visit a friend or have a piece of cake in town and enjoy some brief time of

I think it can be funny that when men work strange hours etc they see their time off as time to themselves and proper downtime? We on the other hand see time off as house cleaning, time with kids, help parents etc time. So maybe sharing the load. I had a similar issue (we have 2, no 3 due next month) so now we have certain jobs that I have nothing to do with eg rubbish etc. He cooks on evenings he is here what or how it happens is up to him. We have a few hours off while the other has the children on alternate saturdays. For just chilling and catching up with friends etc on our own. I also get he 'all you have to do is just ask?' statement to which I answered he doesnt have to ask to be fed or have clean clothes etc and he knows the things that bug the hell out of me and the things that I dont care when they are done as long as it happens. Bottom line was I put it to him he could easily turn me into a nag or he could help a little and still have fun with his wife who appreciates him. Turns out he actually prefers the latter!

God, you need to get really tough with him I think, OP. And you have 3 kids, and you are heavily pregnant, AND you've got SPD??! YOu really, really need to put your foot down.

I just don't buy all this nonsense about men 'not getting it' and needing a kick up the bum. They are just plain lazyand spoilt, and like little kids who have learned they can get away with doing nothing, with no consequences.OP, your husband is being utterly disrespectful. Sit him down for a serious talk, tell him this is not just about housework, it's about a basic lack of respect in your relationship.

If, after you've talked, things don't improve, tell him you are going to get a cleaner if you can afford it.

Stop running around after him. Stop cooking his meals, definitely don't do anything with his laundry on the airer, for heavens' sake, just do the very very bare minimum to keep things ticking over.

I am really sorry if that sounds harsh, but really, he is being a lazy sod and you deserve better.

I think you should just go ahead and book a cleaner. Go on, just do it. Having a clean house will be worth it and will give you a boost. Book it in for two weeks. It's not worth having a fight at this stage of your pregnancy. If he queries the expense, THEN you have the fight.

Thanks for everyone's support and advice. The decorators have finished my son's room and it looks fantastic. I have the cleaner starting this Friday for an indefinate period of time. The in-laws are arriving Monday with baby coming this Tues. I hope with the support of his parents I will have less nagging to do, I don't think for a minute his parents will tolerate his behaviour. I have found throughout our relationship that whenever we get to a crossroad he acts very selfishly and disrespectfully as if he is trying to push me away or challenge me. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy or inclination to argue with him about every small detail. Plus, if I'm in hospital for 3-4 days he will have to pull his weight, no other option available.

This rings a bell for me in a way, my husband isnt a bad sort at all, he does do the hoovering periodically, and I have to say he works long hours himself. However the difference recently has been amazing. We have a 10 month old and I'm now 6 months again, I've gone back to work for 2 months 3 days a week. It happens to be a slack period in work for him, so he's taking our DS for the 3 days a week. Its been a good excercise all round. He realises now that when he comes home in the evening and it looks like everything is the same as he left it and nothing done, it doesnt mean I've been sitting on my butt! He knows how busy it is to just keep ticking over. And thats despite the fact that when I do come in from work I still do the dinner etc.

I know not everyone can do a swap, in fact we are downright lucky in a sense. But if there was some way your hubby could be given responsibility for the kids for 2 or 3 full days and nights, he might realise just how much it takes out of you. Having said all that, I know he might not agree to it, you know best.

Anyway, regardless of that you have my sympathy. No mum of 4 is lazy, its not an option, and with a pregnancy as well its nothing short of superwoman in plainclothes.

op i do love the bit about your inlaws coming! why is it men are still scared of a telling off from mummy but cant respect their wives? i would get mw to tell him out right 'your wife needs more hands on help' my friends mw did this and it worked a treat. hope it works out for you all in the end