Preg after Miscarriage & Scared About The Father

[kyekitten]

I had an unplanned pregnancy about 2months ago, I felt dreadfully pressured by the father, my partner of almost 7 years, to have an abortion which I didnt want. This didnt come to pass as only days after telling him I had a miscarriage, which was a terrible and heartbreaking time for me, he tried to comfort me but as he didnt want the child, it was somewhat lacking and begrudged.
Now, less than 2months later im pregnant again, this was unplanned also. I only had sex once with my partner and I didnt think I could get pregnant so soon after the miscarriage, I thought I would need to have at least one period first.
I am truely petrified about telling my partner.
I know he is going to be gutted, the first thing he did when I told him last time was not enquire about my thoughts, he went straight online to see about how I go about having an abortion! :(
He isnt a bad man, im not scared of violence or anything, I fear he will think I have done this on purpose and I know he will not wish to keep the child, when I desprately do, despite being very scared of the enormity of becoming a mother.
It just isnt the right time, he is in minimum wage employment and is trying to go back to college, were both in abit of debt and children dont come cheap and to top it off we dont live together anymore and financially cannot afford to again. I cant sleep or anything due to worry about how to tell him, I have kept it from him for 2 weeks already and feel guilty everytime I see him, I cant hide this much longer. How do I tell him?

I think you need to decide whether you definitely want to keep the baby then contact an advisory service (Brook is good) and Citizen's Advice (for benefit information). You will be supported whatever decision you make so don't feel pressured into anything, or rush yourself.

Good luck.

The contreception thing is kind of my fault I feel. I am the one who thought it would be ok as I didnt think I would be able to get pregnant until after I had another period, I do feel silly about this now but I was not told otherwise by the nurse I saw after it was confirmed I had a miscarriage. We only had unprotected sex the one time, and used condoms after that 'just in case', but I guess thats shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted!
I do want to keep the baby, but I know he will not. I know I cannot magically make him want children, but my real thought is just how much of a right do I have to force him into it, which is what I would be doing if I kept the baby against his wishes.
If I had an abortion I know I would always regret it and feel guilty about destroying a life.

kyekitten

I've only been pregnant once, but my DP didn't want the baby. I too was worried about him leaving me, and how selfish it would be to keep the baby.

I thought about abortion very seriously. What was most illuminating was talking to a doctor about it, as well as a counsellow and a lady at Marie Stopes. ALL of them said that I didn't seem like I wanted an abortion and that, if that was the case, I shouldn't have one.

If you decide, of your own accord, that you want an abortion, then by all means go for it. But if it's a decision that is making you cry, hate yourself, and feel extremely guilty, then think about it some more.

As everyone has said: there is no magic way of changing his mind. I was only able to make the decision properly once I accepted that I was 'ok' with losing DP because of it. Not really ok, you know, but had accepted it.

Keeping the baby against his wishes is kind of forcing him into fatherhoos, but as DP and I discussed, if one of you wants an abortion and one of you doesn't, SOMEONE is going to have to be 'bad cop' and have things 'their way' as it were. You have the right, legally, to keep the baby if you want to. Since keeping mine (still pregnant) I do feel that I have forced DP into it, but would it have been better for me to suffer an abortion I didn't want, and what I know would have been years of guilt and self-loathing?

Sorry - no real answers there! But just some thoughts on the issue.

KyeKitten, you're not forcing him into it. He should take equal responsibility for contraception. Did he go online to find out how fertile you were after a MC?

I think it sounds to me that you don't really want an abortion. So, is it viable that you don't have one? Can you talk to your partner first (he may be gutted, but he has to grow a pair - this is part of grown-up life after all) and really see how he feels about it? And then at least you'll know how to proceed then. How viable is it for you to keep the baby and go it alone? Do you have a supportive family who would help out?

On the other hand, if you think it's best to have a termination, this should again, ultimately, be up to you. Your partner doesn't really sound like he's ready to shoulder his responsibilities. Good luck with telling him, and with whatever you decide.

You said - 'If I had an abortion I know I would always regret it and feel guilty about destroying a life.'

Having an abortion when you do not 100% want one will ultimately destroy your relationship and could have such a negative impact on your life.

I agree with what everyone else has said. He went ahead and had sex shortly after finding out that he had already gotten you pregnant once. Did he not get how it happened??

I don't know your DP and I don't know your situation - all I know is that I would put the life of my unborn child above anyone else (apart from my other children) and I would never get rid of a baby just cos it didn't suit the father for me to have it at that current time. I feel from reading your post that you are the same as me.

i hope he comes around to the idea and that you can all be happy together, but if he can't come round to the idea, please please don't put him before your childs life, you will ultimately blame him.

I can't decide who was more irresponsible - him having unprotected sex when he did not want you to get pregnant (and knew you didn't mind getting pregnant) or you having unprotected sex despite knowing what his reaction would be. On balance I think him, because he is the one that didn't want a baby.

Meanwhile I think you do need to tell him, if you say so now you can say you just found out if you leave it longer he's going to know you hid it.

However you need RL counselling and support so you can make the right decision.

I became unexpectedly pregnant in Feb. I had no steady job or maternity rights at the time having lost my job last year and had got into financial problems. I have a DS and DD already. I had a termination and have regretted it every single day since. I can't take back what happened and I will probably never be able to have another given my age and previous fertility problems.
Your relationship may prove to be transient, but a baby wouldn't. Think very carefully about what you really want out of life.

I had a termination about 5 years ago and I have always regretted it - even though I know it was right at the time. Last year had an ectopic and all i could think was this was my payback - now and preg again and although all is right and seen heartbeat I still am worried about mc. You need to decide whats right for you - let him decide whats right for him. I wish you luck and hope that you get through this difficult time xx

lydma2be and gwenner - just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you have regrets.

It must have been such a hard thing to do and to regret it now must be heartbreaking.

We are human and sometimes we just make the wrong decisions and I hope you are able to move on and not blame yourselves too much

From your post it seems you want to continue with this pregnancy and have this baby. It could even be argued that your subconcious was at play when you got pregnant? Unfortunately there are no guarantees that you can 'have it all' so to speak so you need to decide which you want more? A life with this man and no children or a child and possibly no man (for a while)
It is imperative that you get sound advice - please try and see a counsellor or someone similar that will help you work thru this and would be unbiased in helping you. Best of luck.

No advice to give as such, cos it seems to me you need to see an impartial counsellor, but, firstly the pregnancy isnt "your fault" as you put it, its simple, if a bloke doesnt want babies, then he wears a condom, doesnt matter if the partner is taking the pill, has an injection or a coil, contraception is down to every individual if you dont want babies. Secondly i got pregnant the first time i slept with my now ex boyfriend, he was great at first very supportive, said all the right things, then everything went tits up and now at the age of 35 im going to be a single mum in four and a half months, which is the last thing in the world i ever wanted, but here i am, feeling my son moving inside me as it type. If you decide you want to keep the baby and you have to go it alone, you will cope, and you will get over him in time. You have some serious thinking to do, but dont feel forced into an abortion just to keep your boyfriend, cos im certain in the end the relationship will suffer anyway. You need to talk to someone more qualified than us to sort through your feelings and emotions, make a doctors appointment as soon as you can, the sooner you so the better for everyone involved, and good luck

Tbh guys, I seriously didnt get pregnant again on purpose, I know how stupid it sounds now, but I thought I would need to have a period first, as my womb wouldnt be ready as it was still not recovered from the miscarriage, otherwise I would not of consented to sex without some form of contreception.
I was on the pill the first time I got pregnant, I was on it for 13 years beforehand as I was pescribed it young not for being sexually active but for very painful and irregular periods. I did miss a few days, one here and there, but I have always done that and never caught before so it was a big shock.
Due to this I was going to get an implant instead of taking the pill, which is something I talked to the nurse at the gp's about, just incase it happened again, as though I decided I did want children in the future I thought the time wasnt right and I didnt want to go at it alone with my DP not living with me anymore, I wanted to wait untill we resided together again.
I have decided against an abortion as every person I have spoken to who has had one have told me how much they regret it, and I already know I will regret it if I go forward with it.
lydma2be and gwenner - I am so sorry to hear of your experiences, thank you for telling me of them, it must be very hard to discuss. I do hope you can both heal and move on from the experience.

Thanks hippychick, I think your right, he shouldnt be put before the unborn child. I have been thinking about this none stop for days and it isnt right, as im the one carrying the child and have to go through the procedure. I think I will give him the choice wether he wants to be in the childs life or not. He is a good man at heart and I seriously doubt he would walk away, he is too good a person to do that, but I feel I should give him the option.

Thank you for your help everyone.xo

Good luck and big hugs XXX

Best of luck - follow your heart and stay true to yourself and it will work out. Of course give him the choice - he might panic initially but like you said if he is a good man he may well come round. It can be difficult for men until they actually see a baby. Take care of yourself and we are all here if you need us x

Let us know how you're getting on. take care. xx

Good luck with whatever happens - you are strong to go with what you really want. Well done you! xx