Really struggling...

[elportodelgato]

I don't know where to post this because I feel a bit in despair about everything at the moment but it's probably pregnancy-related so here goes.

I am 20wks pg with my 2nd child and am really struggling to cope.

Partly it's that me and my DH both work fulltime in pretty demanding jobs which renders me exhausted at evenings and weekends. DD (2yo) is at nursery fulltime and while she loves it there I feel like I don't see enough of her and that at the end of a long working day she gets the absolute worst of me - I am tired, lacking in patience, sometimes just crying constantly for no good reason and not being a very good mummy. I feel so very sad that my one-to-one time with her is limited now that another one is on the way. I also feel angry and frustrated as well that actually, when I am with her, I am not at my best and she's not getting all the love and attention that she needs from me. I struggle to do just usual every day things like cooking and laundry - we have a cleaner thank God, but running the house still seems completely beyond my capabilities, I am just so tired all the time.

My DH's job is even more intense than mine and he frequently works late, coming home about 9ish. I get annoyed that he isn't supporting me, and pulling his weight round the house (though this may well be my perception). He feels like he is doing all he can and is equally fruistrated that I am so sad and angry all the time and that he doesn't have the time or energy to support me properly. I really need him to pick up some of the slack but I know he is already run ragged and has no more energy to give.

On top of this, I am so worried about this pregnancy. I don't think I have felt as much movement as I did last time around. We have the 20wk scan tomorrow and I am terrified that they will say there is something badly wrong and I have to have a late termination. I've almost completely convinced myself that something awful will come up. When I'm not worrying about this, I am panicking about coping with 2 children. I had PND last time around and I can feel it starting to rear up again when I contemplate the realities of being on maternity leave. I don't enjoy the baby phase, I have no idea how I will cope on those days where I am completely on my own with 2 of them, I am actually quite afraid that I will do something terrible in a fit of anger. I am horribly sad about the state of my body, the time it will take me to lose the weight, the fact that I will never ever have time to exercise and that I will emerge at the end of it looking about 10 years older. I know this sounds petty but it feels like the whole thing is just draining the life out of me.

Can someone please come and tell me that it is just my hormones poisoning my brain and that I will manage to cope? some days I feel like 'yes, I am a capable woman, this is do-able' and other days I just want to run away and hide and never come back because I am so wiped out I just want to collapse

Hi novicemama - wow, poor you, you really are having a rotten time of it. I am sure, as with most things, there will be lots of comments with lots of different opinions on your post! I personally think that pregnancy hormones have a lot to answer for! They are the worst and they are so uncontrollable which is what I hate most about them as i don't like not being able to control my emotions! I had the easiest pregnancy with my DS1 and he was also a dream of a first child - he still is at the age of 10. Just perfect. My second pregnancy was equally easy, and the labour was pretty text book too (if somewhat painful!!). However DS2 was just a nightmare and cried from morning till night. The only upside of that was that he was so exhausted from crying all day he actually slept through the night from about 5 weeks. However, it made me very VERY depressed and in hindsight I now know I had terrible PND but told everyone i was fine. He was diagnosed with reflux and had lots of medicine that helped ease his pain, but he was still a difficult baby. He was then diagnosed with cancer at 18 months and relapsed at 3. He is now 7 and doing great. The reason I am telling you all this is that I am now pregnant again and having a shocker of a pregnancy. My husband has promised to look out for any signs of PND when this one is born, but if I have learnt anything after having 2 kids it is that this 3rd one won't be anything like my first, just as it won't be anything like my little devil of a second one! Equally I won't be the same. I am older (ALOT!!) and wiser (not so much!!) and if i do feel depressed in any way i will not be too damn proud/stubborn to admit it this time and will get whatever happy pills i can!

Remember that you are not alone. You are not the only working pregnant mum who is feeling shattered, who has that horrible working mum guilt of not being a good enough mum or a good enough wife. There are lots of you out there. I think you sound like a wonderful wife and mum anyway - you are obviously worried about your new baby (don't worry about not feeling any movements - I felt loads with DS1 at 16 weeks, none with DS2 until 24 weeks, and none with this one until about 26 weeks!), you understand and sympathise with your DH even if you still get annoyed with him and you are worried about not spending enough quality time with your DD - well only a loving mum and wife would worry about these things.
Please don't worry so much - stress is so bad for you and your pregnancy. There is no point in worrying about PND now as there is nothing you can do about it now - if you do find you have it after the birth then ask your Dr for help. Or perhaps go and see your Dr now for a chat?
Take care of yourself x

As cluds said your experience will be completely different this time, I hated being at home with dd1, I felt isolated and bored, loved being at home with dd2 and ds, it was completely different. You have a huge amount on your plate, I am 28weeks and have being doing about 3/4 full days the last two weeks while the manager has been off and I have been truly exhausted, is there any way you can use some paternity leave to adjust your working hours now? Can you give yourself an easier time of things on the cooking front, you could talk to your midwife for advice, and most of well you have to believe that you are doing incredibly well to keep the plates spinning I could no way work full time at the moment, btw my house is 100% messier than it usually is and that is with a cleaner.

I could have written your post myself, except I'm only 10 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Firstly - I think it is normal to worry about scan results, and it is much much worse when you are already feeling stressed and vulnerable. I am having my nuchal scan next week and feel just the same.

The overwhelming probability is that everything is fine. This worry will be gone after tomorrow, although if you're anything like me you will probably find a new one!

The way cope with these feelings is to force myself to mentally put the worries away in a 'box' so that they can't take over your mind too much. I find this helps me to be less tired and more 'present' when I am with DD (20 months).

I also work full time + and it is very hard to find enough time with DD. I try to consciously make sure that I get at least 1/2 hr of proper 'quality' time with DD every day, even when that means giving her a ready meal or fish fingers for tea so that I can spend the time playing with her. Like you I lack the energy and patience for very active play at the moment, I tend to get down on the floor with her and an assortment of toys and let her lead. This seems to make a big difference to her and she is a much happier little girl if I make the effort.

In general I try to remind myself that much as I hate being pregnant if all goes well I will never have to do it again. I enjoyed DD from about 6 months onwards and a year from now DC 2 will be 6 months old and I will (hopefully) be starting to enjoy it again.

In the meantime everyday is an achievement and brings you closer to the fun bit!

Hello novice,

I haven't much time to write....

I just wanted to see if I could offer a few suggestions:

1. With you and your DH both working full time, is there any way you can afford to get someone to help you with household jobs. An ironing lady, a cleaner, someone to do the garden, that sort of thing? Might free you up for some extra time with your daughter and mean that the time you get with her is (a) when you're less tired (b) when you're less fraught because you have so little of it.

1. Do you have special time with your DH when you get to enjoy just the two of you being together. While initially this may seem constrained by the same financial issues as (1) it doesn't need to be. With a two year old I'm sure you could have an evening a week where you got a DVD out / did nothing except cooked a nice meal. Maybe if you can get your DH to agree that this is protected time, either on the same day each week or a day that you diarise a week in advance.

1. If (1) isn't an option DH and I have a solution that avoids tension / nagging. We basically have a jobs Rota. Very undergrad I know, but it means that we both know what we're expected to do in any given week. We retain a high degree of flexibility (i.e. it isn't a case of Monday do X, Tuesday do Y, more a list for week 1, week 2 and then return to week 1 meaning we don't always do the same job components so that helps avoid resentment from always cleaning the toilet.

1. Have you thought that maybe you might be suffering from some form of Antenatal depression. I don't know how things were with your DD, but post and antenatal depression are highly correlated.

1. Try not to worry too much about the movement. As the other ladies have said all pregnancies are different.

1. If you don't enjoy the baby stage it's really really important that you build things into your week that you do enjoy so you don't feel like you're being worn down.

:) xx

I am back again but only briefly - more later when I am home and DD is in bed. Thanks so much for the messages, I feel quite tearful for the brilliant advice and hearing that I am not the first woman to feel this way

Hi Novice - you poor thing. Sounds like things are pretty tough for you at the moment, but things will get easier with time.

Firstly hormones definitely have a huge part of this... I'm 7 weeks pregnant with DC2 and really struggling to cope with feeling sick all the time and I'm sure I'm getting more upset about it because of the hormones. I keep getting really upset about DD not getting as much of my attention, unfortunately the TV is going on far too much which makes me feel like a bad mummy. Luckily my DP is very supportive and making a lot more effort around the house and making sure he gets DD out at the weekends to give me a bit of time. I just keep reminding myself that its only for a short period of time...

Anyway, a few suggestions:

1. I've no idea on your financial situation but could you speak to work about going part time - maybe just having one day off a week or evening an afternoon?

1. Have you spoken to your DH? Does he understand how you feel?

1. Have you spoken to your midwife about how you are feeling? I'm sure some are better than others, but she maybe able to help or advise?

1. Have you got friends or family who could help? Maybe take DD out for a couple of hours at the weekend to give you a break? I know you are worried about spending time with her, but you might find having a couple of hours off gives you better quality time the rest of the weekend.

1. Rest as much as you can. Don't worry about the housework - I know its easier said than done, but the only thing which is important is you and your family. The housework will still be there when you're feeling better!! (unfortunately!!)

Anyway, hope thats some help and wishing you lots of best wishes for tomorrow. xx

Thanks all, I tried to get back online last night but kept getting a damn Persil advert popping up every time I tried to type something

OK, so I had the 20 week scan this morning and everything is absolutely FINE which is an enormous weight off my mind . I am so enormously relieved to see the little bubba, and see him / her wriggling around (we resisted finding out the sex). It was absolutely wonderful. I was so pleased and relieved that we completely forgot to ask for any pictures . Apparently it's no big deal that I can't feel the movement yet. We saw the baby give me a monster kick during the scan but I felt nothing so perhaps it's just very roomy in there and he / she isn't touching the sides much yet

I have really been thinking about some of the advice you have all given me. I think I need to remind myself at least daily that it is mainly my hormones causing all this upset. Cluds, I am the same as you, I am normally quite good at controlling myself so being out of control is quite scary and I hate it. Sometimes DH says 'have I got nice wife or shouty wife today?' because he never knows when I get up what it will be like. The worst of it is that I don't know either! It's a complete mystery as to whether I'll get through the day fine, or be crying in the loos by lunchtime. Only another 20 weeks to go eh...

Pushmepullyou I consciously tried to do what you suggested with DD last night and just got down to her level and let her decide what she wanted to do. Perhaps it's coincidence (I think not!) but she was more chilled out last night than she's been in weeks - we had no battles over bathtime or bedtime or wanting another story, no tantrums she was absolutely charming. It was a complete delight to be with her. I think I need to chill out about getting chores done the minute I walk through the door and just focus on her and what she wants from me. Seems obvious really, I have been a bit stupid I think, can I blame the hormones for that too?

Pamplemousse I love love love your idea of having a night each week where we cook a nice meal, I feel so stupid for not thinking of this. We both love food but we haven't cooked and eaten a nice meal together for months and months so this is definitely happening from here onwards.

Unfortunately I can't cut back on hours at work at all - I am working towards a deadline in late November which is not moveable and so on that front I have to just grin and bear it and slog through the next few months. However, I am going to work from home whenever I can (thus avoiding evil daily 1 hour commute each way) and I think that I am going to ask my mum for some more regular support. She lives locally but I have resisted asking too much of her so far, as I really don't want to take advantage. But actually I'm sure she would love to help with DD and I would really welcome even one evening a week with someone else helping me out, or a few hours on a Saturday.

Cluds, like you, I now know what PND looks / feels like and agree that if it gets bad again I am just going to demand help and keep demanding it til I feel better.

I want to say an enormous thank you as well, I really do LOVE mumsnetters xx

Yey, I'm so pleased about your scan

I had a bit of an embarassed forehead slapping moment the first time I tried just sitting down with my DD as well . I think when you feel a bit rubbish about yourself it is easy to underestimate how happy it makes your toddler just to be with you and have the attention.

I tried pamplemousse's nice meal idea last night as well and had a properly lovely evening with my DH for the first time in ages. I can definitely recommend it!

I do empathise on the work hours and commuting as my situation is similar, although alarmingly my critical deadline is 2 weeks after my due date...

My mum has been fab - I couldn't do it without her.